More of a WWYD...

[gettingabitnervousnow]

Sorry this is more of a WWYD rather than AIBU but I would like to get as wide range of opinions as possible.

At the moment we (DP, DD and I)live about 5 mins from my mum. Me and mum are extre,ely close and we all see a lot of her. She has DD a lot for me when I am at work - I realise how lucky I am and am very grateful and try to show her this whenever possible.

For some time now my mum has mentioned about us all living together - she says it half jokingly but I know deep down she would love it to become a reality.

I have never taken much notice before but since having DD I have started to think about it more seriously. There are just so many advantages:

1. Together we can all afford somewhere much nicer than either of us can do apart.
   
2. We can afford a better area in terms of schools etc
   
3. Most importantly I think it would be a lovely environment for DD to grow up in. Mum and DD adore each other and I know mum would love to see her everyday. I love the idea ofa big family home and genuienly think 3 generations living togther is going to become more and more common given house prices etc.
   
   I know there are bound to be teething difficulties but we have all sat down and talked about it and agreed that we will set some ground rules before it happens. We have also agreed that we need to be quite specific about the property lay out (ie seperate reception rooms, own bathrooms etc). I should also add that DP gets on great with my mum and is very much behind the idea.
   
   So, give me a reality check - am I mad and missing the obvious issues this could cause? Would any of you buy a place with your parents?

[cupcakesandbunting]

[colditz]

Of course I might buy a place with my parents.

There would never ever be a point in my life when I would consider buying with my INLAWS.

You need to talk to your husband about this, not us. He's the one who will have to live with his mother in law.

[EccentricaGallumbits]

yes. i love the idea - unfortunately Dh doesn't. I'd also quite happily live with MIL too.

I'd really like a big castle/commune thing with everybody there.

I'd be pissed off and murderous within a month but the idea feels nice.

[Wineonafridaynight]

Well if you all get on then it could be good. Have you spoken to your DP about it? It sounds like it has a lot of benefits to it.

My nephew once queried how much my house, my parents house, his parents house, his uncles house and his great grandparents houses were all worth. He then proceeded to tell us we should all live together as we would get a far nice house together. Not sure it would be bliss in our family!!!

[wukter]

You need to talk, talk, talk to your husband.

If you go through with it, consider setting ground rules about how much time is spent together, as well as considering seperate house areas.
You & DH need time together alone.
Your DD can't be screeching into Grandmas room at 6.00 am. etc, etc.

[gettingabitnervousnow]

Colditz - of course I have spoken to DP about this - in depth! And as I said in the OP, he is very keen on the idea. Although I think that is partly because he thinks that he would have to do less with two women around!

[SmellsLikeTeenSweat]

I couldn't live with my mother unfortunately, there would be blood very quickly.

But in an ideal world, the older generation lives with the younger ones, to help out and be supported in turn. Why not go for it? If DP is all for it, it sounds great!

I have an unmarried work colleague (in her 40s) who lives with her sister, BIL & their dch. Has done for several years. I can't imagine how it would work but it does, for them.

[venusonarockbun]

I think this is a great idea as long as its big enough for seperate areas etc. I think families are so split these days due to work,dcs going off to uni - never to return etc. Its really lovely for a family to care about each other to want to do this.

[gettingabitnervousnow]

I absolutely take on board about talking to DP. We have all agreed that we would have to find somewhere with two living rooms so we can still all have our own space. In some ways we would probably have more time alone, as we would probably be able to go out more than we do now. I dont like to ask my mum to babysit too much as she has DD during the week, but I know if she was in her own home she wouldn't mind at all if we went out for the evening.

It is a very good point about DD and one of my main concerns. She is only 18 months so it will be difficult to make her understand that she can't bother nanny all the time.

[booyhoo]

would it be possible to do a trial of a month or so to see how you all get on? have you got the space in your house for that?

[MaisietheMorningsideCat]

I think it makes perfect sense, as long as you set the ground rules and have very clear, seperate living space. It's going to become very expensive for elderly care, so although she doesn't need it now it will mean that you don't have to think about it in later years. It sounds as if you're being very careful and cautious, and communicating well with your DP and mum, which makes for a good outcome imo.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I think it's a fine idea, if you all get on well.

You'd have to have your own space though.

Friends of my parents had a good set up. The grandmother had a self contained flat on the ground floor, the rest of the ground floor and most of the first floor was the parents, a couple of rooms on the first floor ( a bedroom and a study) and the attic rooms (which made a couple of bedrooms, a living room, bathroom and kitchen) were theirs (the friends of my parents).

They all shared the massive garden and the cellar rooms (workshop, garage, music room etc) were divvied up.

They lived their own lives in their own space within the house but were together too. All ate together on Sunday, spent time together but also alone with their own family unit.

I think that sort of set up is great.

Am unsure how sharing a kitchen and living room would work out long term. I fear it's too close, too intrusive and might lead to blurred boundaries.

[gettingabitnervousnow]

Thanks everyine for your comments, they are very helpful. I'm glad to see that you seem to think it could work, as long as we lay the ground rules and make sure we get the right property so we are not all on top of each other.

Although there are a lot of practical advantages, the main one for me is I genuinely think it will be lovely for us all to be together and for DD (and hopefully any future DC) to be brought up surrounded by so much love. I also love the idea of us all being together when my sister and her family come to stay.

We could do a trial month in either of our houses but neither are particulary large so we probably would be on top of each other! I guess its worth thinking about though

[gettingabitnervousnow]

"to be together and for DD to be brought up surrounded by so much love"

Sorry just realised that sound a bit sick making! I hope you know what I meant!

[LemonEmmaP]

We did this about 6 years ago. It was DH's suggestion too (my parents). 99% of the time it works brilliantly - the kids get to spend lots of time with Nanna (sadly Grandad died 18 months after we moved here, but he and DS1 got to spend lots of time together in those months). Mum helps out loads with the kids - she drops them off to their childcarers in the mornings after we've gone to work, and picks up DS2 at the end of the day before we get home. One of the best things for DH & I is the freedom to go out in the evenings, once DS2 is in bed. It's great to be able to go out regularly as a couple. Even daft things like a trip to the shops is easier as the DCs can choose to stay at home with Nanna if they don't fancy coming with us.

The 1% of the time that it's not so brilliant is when Mum & I rub each other up the wrong way. I realise that my relationship with my Mum was 10x better when we lived apart, whereas living together we're more likely to clash from time to time. In that respect, it's worth thinking back to how your relationship was when you were living at home, rather than what it's like living separately.

As far as the house goes, we've found that it really helps to have separate living rooms, but we also have separate kitchens & bathrooms which I think is helpful.

[venusonarockbun]

No this is not sick-making at all. It makes a lovely change from all the moaning about mothers that seems to be so prevalent these days!

[CarGirl]

What about your sister?

How would she feel seeing your mum financially tied to you? What about when your Mum dies does it mean your sister inherits nothing?

[Daffydilly]

My DH and 2 DSD's moved in with my DH 97 year old Grandad to look after him. Unfortunately he didn't live all that long after we moved in but I think it's a lovely thing to live with extended family. Last year my MIL moved in with us for a few weeks as she had broken her arm and as far as I was concerned she could have stayed forever. There are some downsides but as long as everyone is clear about what they want from the start I think the benefits outweigh the negatives. I do think it's good for young children as well as they learn how to compromise and make room for other people in their lives.

[ageing5yearseachyear]

i have a old work friend who did this. she didnt have kids but her/hubby sold their house as did her parents and they moved south together.

they actually rented for the first year which was sensible. it also took then that long to find the right house.

i do remember though that he parents and them spent a long time thinking about what happens when parents pass on- not wanting to be morbid but you have a sister so it needs thinking about. I think they agreed that parents half of the house would be left between them with them first option to keep the house and buy sister out.

if you and hubby thinks that this will work then it probably will!

[fatoftheland]

OOh, tricky one. It's great that your mum and dp get on so well but what would happen if you had an arguement? She would probably be able to hear it and there is the chance it could sour relations between them.

It is great in theory but I wouldn't do it because there is so much that could go wrong and if anyone has had enough of living together it would be really hard to sort it all out.

Plus you couldn't have noisy sex wherever you wanted

[expatinscotland]

I'd love to live with my folks provided the house was big enough!

Or even with my ILs.

So would DH.

We dream about it. We fantasise about how if we won the Lotto we'd spend half the year living with the ILs and the other half with mine in two large enough houses, and buy homes close enough for the rest of the family to be even in the same street.

[gettingabitnervousnow]

Thanks for all the experiences, it is very helpful to hear from people that have done this.

I have spoken to my sister about this and she is fine with it - the only thing she said it would I be embarrassed to tell other people?!

At the moment we have all agreed on a 5-10 year time frame and then we will reassess the situation as obvioulsy a lot can change in that time. Mum is only 54 so hopefully she will be well and with us for a long time yet but if god forbid anything happened to my mum, I would either buy my sister out or we would sell if that wasn't practical. I certainly wouldn't see her lose out on anything.

Herecomesthesciencebint - take on board what you are saying and I think perhaps we do need to talk about these issues a bit further. I guess I've pushed them to the backof my mind.

expat - I would love that too! My sister would never agree though. We are very close but she likes her own space!

[bubblerock]

We have lived with my Mum for 6 years now, we all sold up and moved north to be mortgage free. It works really well, but we do have a massive ex hotel which basically provides completely separate living space. We pay an amount into a joint account each month which pays for bills.

We are actually testing the housing market right now and may go our separate ways but this is purely because Mum would like some equity from the house to enjoy herself a bit. If the house doesn't sell we don't mind as the situation is fine otherwise. Do you want to buy our house? lol

I couldn't live with Mum in a regular house though, even with separate lounges. We definitely all need our space!

[BuzzingNoise]

I'd do it if I had the chance.