in deciding to withdraw my support just now?

[Shodan]

In the last week I have had a major row with my mother and a falling-out with my sister.

So. Firstly, the thing with my mother. I have always been the one to help her out, especially with the hospital visits and operations she has had over the last few years, despite the fact that I am one of six children. It has always been me who does the fetching and carrying, the one on the end of 'emergency' phone calls - the one who sorts it all out.

Then, two years ago, after I had done all of the above, plus visited every other day both in hospital and at home, doing her shopping, cooking etc with a young baby, brought her bed downstairs because she couldn't get upstairs- you know, all the caring stuff- I heard from each of my siblings that she had been telling them that I wasn't doing enough to help her out.

I decided then and there to back off and told my sibs I was doing so, thereby forcing them to take a more active role themselves.

This week, in a phone call, I lost my temper over something she keeps interfering about, something I told her years ago to just drop. I haven't felt such anger ever, it was a complete surprise to me. Anyway, the phone call proceeded with her calling me patronising and how I shouldn't tell her off as she had done more for me than anyone else. (I can explain further, if requiredbut don't want to make this the world's longest OP).

Then, last night, my dad sent me a copy of an e-mail my sister had sent him. Basically she was asking him for money to do a course and said that she didn't want to just stay at home and 'spend my husbands money like Shodan'.

I never realised she felt like this, tbh, especially as I have always helped her out, babysitting her children when she went back to her job, lending and giving money when she needed it. DH and I were the only ones on our side of the family who went to her (second) wedding in Cyprus- a wedding that I discovered had been partly funded by my father.

The thing is, I know how lucky I am to be able to stay at home with my DC - I never take it for granted. And it is a far cry from my first marriage when I had to work several jobs to keep us afloat because my XH kept walking out of his jobs. In fact. it's only been a couple of years since I gave up any kind of work- I worked for several years as a cleaner before DH and I got married and carried on for a year after the marriage.

Oof. Well done if you've got this far.

So- AIBU? Or am I being over-sensitive or something? I don't think I am, but being in my current rather overwrought state, perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.

give me your words of wisdom, please!

[StealthPolarBear]

yanbu
i'd be tempted to email a copy of this to your mum & sister
how dare they?

[scurryfunge]

I think you are being taken for granted. Could you have a family meeting where you discuss support, finances and any underlying grievances anyone may have?

[TheCrackFox]

They are taking you for granted - you have to start saying "no" far more often.

[scurryfunge]

What was your dad's motivation for showing you the email?

[ChickensHaveSinisterMotives]

Yes, why did your Dad send you the email?

[itsmeitsmeolord]

You don't need to justify why or how you can stay at home. That is a matter for you and your husband.

YANBU to withdraw, I have done for similar reasons and life is much easier now.

However, why on earth did your dad send that email to you? Surely he knew that it would hurt you/cause trouble?

[chitchat07]

YANBU- I think for your sanity's sake you need to back off and start concentrating on yourself for a bit. Clearly your family dynamic is not going to change until you do something to change it. Perhaps limit the time you spend at your mother's 'beck and call' to once a week and limit the type of things you will do. If she asks for more, ring up one of your siblings while at her house and say 'I've just done X for mum and she wants Y done can you arrange between you and the others to get it done as I have something else on (be vague, no need to tell them what that something else is!).

Oh, and definitely let your sister stand on her own two feet for awhile. I'd like to see her try and study if you aren't available for all the babysitting!!! (ungrateful wretches!!!!!)

[IndigoSky]

So your sister is happy to take your dad's money but not her husband's. interesting.

FWIW I would leave them all to it. They are taking advantage of you and I suspect that will never ever change.

In your shoes I would just get on with my own life, put my own dc/dh first and leave your parents/siblings alone for a bit. Don't call them. If they call you then fine - be polite and civil but don't go the extra mile as you have been.

[Shodan]

A family meeting is a great idea in principle, but would never happen, scurryfunge. (What an excellent name, btw) My brothers live all over the country and it's been hard enough to get them down for a few visits while Mum was in hospital over the years.

I must say, I am heartened by your responses. I have spent so many years being belittled in one way or another that I was beginning to doubt my own feelings. DH is wonderful, and does his best to reassure but, having never suffered a crisis of confidence or skewed family dynamics he finds it hard to comprehend why I didn't cut them off years ago.

[posieparker]

You sound like the envy of the family, have you done better than the rest?

[Shodan]

Blimey I type slowly.

I have no idea why dad sent me the e-mail, actually. He said in the one to me that because I was 'more like a Mother and firend to your sister than your own' that I should read it. It's a puzzle, I admit.

Perhaps he thought I should know what she thinks of me? Or maybe he wanted me to have a word with her about not asking for money from him?

I have never fallen out with my sister before. I always thought she really respected me.

[Mouseface]

Your good nature has been abused here I feel.

It seems your family have just taken you for granted, knowing that you'll do it because a) you have in the past or b) you want to, she's your mum.

Maybe it's time you did more for you and let them get on with it?

[Shodan]

posie- maybe? DH earns quite a lot of money, far more than any of my family, but I only married him, iyswim. It just happened that that's who I fell in love with. I was the only one to be privately educated- Lord knows why- but had to 'pay' in other ways. I know that that has been a small source of envy but it was hardly my fault.

And I have never flaunted the fact that I have more cash available now, although have been called a 'rich bitch' by my mother.

[Shodan]

Hmm. So it does seem that my gut instincts weren't so far wrong. I'm glad of that, at least.

Thank God for MN! I can't tell you how much your wise words have helped.

[stoppingat3]

Oh Dear I really feel for you. I am one of 6 and the politics that go on are unreal (5 girls and one estraged boy).
Over the last 6 months I made a decision to distance myself from all the crap that goes on.
Its taken a while and things still get to me but I am now starting to see that I don't need to be bothered by it.
I wouldn't worry about confronting your sister, or if you feel the need to let her know that you are aware of the situation I would make some sort of comment when you next see her, something nice so that you can take the moral high ground. She definately sounds jealous to me.
re your Mum, again I would be tempted to leave the situation, take a step back and enjoy the view (from the high ground )
Good luck x

[scaryteacher]

Withdraw completely from your Mum and sister; don't do favours for either.

I think your Dad has probably had enough as well of you running yourself ragged and being taken for granted, but doesn't have the appetite for a fight (presumably he is still with your Mum), so he's letting you know what's going on, and leaving you to deal with it.

Show the email to your dh as well.

[CarGirl]

They all sound vile. Perhaps your Dad was trying to stop you being taken for a mug by your sister but he certainly went the wrong way about it! He should of told your sister to grow up and appreciate you.

As for your mum , they all do sound very green eyed.

[scurryfunge]

The important thing is not to feel guilty about whatever path you choose to take with the family.There appears to be some emotional-laziness about them...are they used to you doing all the thinking, organising and decision making? They must take some responsibility themselves now.

[Shodan]

scaryteacher- no, Mum and Dad have been divorced for thirty years, although Mum still goes on about it like it was yesterday.There has always been bad feeling between them- less so from Dad, who has become far more supportive to me over the years- which has caused countless disputes with Mum when it comes to family events.

I wish I could rid myself of the distress. I have never been the one to stand up for myself- there are others in my family who are happy to shout about how hard their lives are and how badly they're treated. This is the first time I have said something in my defence and it's made me shaky.

[CarGirl]

No wonder your Dad wants you to open your eyes to your sisters nastiness then.

I think you can rest assured that if you distance yourself in a dignified way that your Dad will support you 100%

[scaryteacher]

Your Dad is sick of seeing you taken for a mug then.

Why do you need to defend yourself? How you live your life is no-one's business but yours and dh's and frankly, I would concentrate on him and your dcs.

There are no rules when you are grown up to say that you have to like your family or do anything for or with them. Once you get your head around that you have no idea how liberating it can be. Took me years to work that out!

[5Foot5]

Perhaps your Dad was struck by the irony of your sister asking her Dad for money so she wouldn't have to "spend her husband's money!"

[Shaz10]

Your dad is a legend. Your mother and sister are leeches. Stay away!

[Shodan]

Indeed, 5Foot5 (and IndigoSky)- I had missed the irony of that. It's certain my sister has too.

I'll have to work on distancing myself, I can see. Ugh. No doubt the phone calls will start from the brothers now. The jungle drums don't stay quiet for long.

[lottaluvin]

I don't think your dad should have shown the email to you tbh. But -like everyone else says, cut the slack, you have been taken for granted. You didn't ask to be born into that family and you've done more than your fair share.

I have a gay friend in this situ who did all the elderly mum stuff and more as according to the rest of the family - he didn't have kids so didn't have a life of his own!

Might be a big family thing, but it sounds like jealousy, squabbling and petty behaviour. I've not worked for 12 months, I'm making my redundancy last as long as possible as I will never have this time back,
don't let anyone make you feel guilty, it's your family money, you're not sat at home scrounging off the state.

Get on with your life and your lovely sounding DH and leave them writhing in their vipers nest.