To think this is unreasonable?

[TheChicOfIt]

DH and I have been invited to a wedding next month - DH is the best man and it is quite a small wedding - I think they are having about 18 people. I assume they do not want any children there as our DS was not on the invite.

Anyway, when we first knew about it (almost a year ago), I asked my mum if she would look after DS as we will need to stay overnight as it is quite far away. She agreed and even said to us that we may as well make a weekend of it.

She lives about 400 miles away, so she would need to come down and stay for a few days anyway.

Anyway, she was down in London for the weekend and we met her and my stepdad for lunch yesterday. I nipped to the toilet and she came in and said "I have a bit of a problem - the only time we can book our holiday without it being really expensive is the weekend of the wedding - do you think DH's mum would look after DS?"

I was pretty stunned. The reason we asked my mum in the first place is because DH's parents are 71 and 79 and both have back problems which means they find it difficult to lift our very heavy DS out of the cot. (They are ok babysitting at night when he's asleep or couple of hours in the day, but a whole weekend would be too much).

Anyway, even if they could they are at a wedding anniversary that night and staying over. I told my mum this and she suggested that I could take DS and his 17 year old cousin to the wedding and she could stay in the room with him for the evening while we are at the reception .

So she wants me to turn up at someone's wedding with my DS who is not invited and my 17 year old neice who is also not invited!!!

Obviously I cannot do this. I feel really let down but I am damned if I am going to beg her to babysit now.

I haven't told my DH yet - he will hit the roof - he has paid for 2 nights in the hotel at £200 a night!

[BunnyLebowski]

YANBU.

Your mum has let you down badly and I'd feel exactly the same as you do.

Very selfish.

[ZacharyQuack]

Could you offer to pay the difference in her holiday costs so she can go on the more expensive time?

[compo]

It does eem a bit mean of her to go back on her commitment, but maybe it's true that that is the only time they ca go on holiday
I'd just let your dh go on his own tbh
weddings are usally quite yawnsome affairs

[compo]

or get dh to ring the groom, presumably they are good friends if he is the best man, and ask if ds can come as you don't have a babysitter

[Nyx]

YANBU. Your Mum, as Bunny has said, has let you down in a big way. The only thing I can think of is whether you have any friends who would be able to babysit for you instead? I would want to go to the wedding if my DH was best man, also you've known about it for so long. What a shame - hope it works out for you.

[MitchyInge]

if your husband is the best man maybe an exception could be made so your son can go too?

[blonde36er]

YANBU.

Would you be happy to let the 17 year old cousin babysit for the weekend at your house? It seems a real shame that you'd have to miss out on the wedding and a weekend away!

[TheChicOfIt]

Well I would quite like to go to the wedding as they are good friends of ours and DH is the best man, but if I can't I can't.

TBH it's more the principle of it. It's really a bit late now to look at other options.

[TheChicOfIt]

Actually I don't think the 17 year old neice would be allowed to babysit! Her mum is quite strict and doesn't let her even stay home for the weekend by herself. Also she has not babysat before and DS is only 19 months.

Thank you for the suggestions though - I will see if one of my friends can watch him in the day and I might need to just come home at night.

[compo]

what about your neice's mum then - your sister? she might have him at her house for the weekend

[PrivetDancer]

How did you leave it with your mum? I would be furious and would have just said, no we can't do that, you said you would babysit.
I feel your anger!

[TheChicOfIt]

It's DH's sister - I can ask her, but I think she may be going to the wedding anniversary that the in laws are going to.

I was so shocked about it PrivetDancer that I just went, "It's ok I'll sort something out - you go on your holiday".

I feel like ringing her up later and just saying that I am really upset about it.

I think it's the fact that it has been arranged for so long, and then I find out a month before.

[Buzzybb]

We had to attend a family wedding recently so I asked my BF daughter 16 to mind dd during the day and her Mum came over at 7.30 to help her with bedtime etc and we left cash for dvd,takeaway, We also left junk food and as they were staying a basket of pampering stuff facemasks bubble baths and nail polish etc so the had a mother/daughter`pamper evening [they stayed at ours over night] I think they both enjoyed it I def enjoed my night away . Could ye do something like that? I hope ye sort it all out

[PrivetDancer]

I think I would have to ring and say something, if she hasn't already booked her holiday, she may still do it, and you don't have to beg. Just say you can't find anyone else so can she please stick to the arrangement.

[diddl]

Are you sure your son can´t go?

I know that that´s not the point, but tbh I don´t think we named all children on invitations.

And when it´s been planned for so long I think it´s terrible that she has only just told you.

If it turns out that you don´t go, can you at least recoup some money on the hotel room?

[twotimes]

YANBU - Has your mom let you down like this before, its just you said "It's ok I'll sort something out - you go on your holiday". If she's used to you responding like this it's likely she wouldn't have even given it a second thought. You should have been firmer with her in letting her know you disappointment. I can imagine you and dh were really looking forward to the time off, gorgeous hotel and lovely wedding. Feel bad for you, hopefully you can sort it out before then.

[AnyFucker]

she sounds just like my mother

I stopped relying on her a long time ago...

[Rindercella]

YANBU, your mother has let you down quite badly. I think you should actually call her and tell her you are upset about it rather than saying nothing and it then becoming an even bigger issue for you.

[underactivethyroidmum]

AF I think we may have found another sibling

[AnyFucker]

[skinsl]

Hang on.. maybe she was just sounding you out about if you could get someone else to do it. She hasn't booked her holiday yet has she?And she probably just thought she was trying to fix things by suggesting the cousin?!! and if you said "It's ok I'll sort something out - you go on your holiday" then she probably thinks it's not a big deal.
TELL HER it's a big deal,and she has let you down and you don't have anyone else to do it.

[TheChicOfIt]

twotimes - kind of....
It's all a bit of a blur but the instances I can remember are:

When DS was 5 weeks old I was really struggling with no help from anyone so my mum very kindly flew down and asked if I would go back with her so she could help and "mummy" me and DS. After a very traumatic journey back up there with DS constantly crying and me very stressed, she spent the whole week looking after her other grandson as she had neglected to tell me that my sister was away on holiday. Perhaps not intentional, but I feel I would have been better off at home as at least DH would have been able to help in the evenings.

Offered to take him the night before our wedding so that I got a good night's sleep, then backed out of it at the last minute leaving me with a grand total of 5 hours sleep.

Had him the night of our wedding, but called at 9.30am the next morning to find out when we would be back, when I said I had to wait until we could get a lift, she suggested about three other people I could ask - I ended up getting a taxi and leaving DH at the hotel.

There may have been others but I can't remember.

You are right - she probably thinks it is not a big deal to me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind though, I feel that my stepdad may be behind this - very selfish, domineering man, who has probably told her to cancel it so they can go on their holiday.

I think I'm just a bit gutted because I never get a break. My sister goes out twice a month and often my mum has her DS overnight on random occasions so that she can pack for her holiday in peace/go to the doctors/just get a rest. I know I forfeited my right to that in a way by moving away, but I just thought that as a one off so we could go to DH's best friends wedding, she would have honoured it.

Not sure of your background AF and underactivethyroidmum but where do I sign up for your club?

[AnyFucker]

my background ? lol

weak mother very influenced by narcissistic and emotionally abusive husband (my father)

he has given her a terrible time all their married life, belittled her, driven her to breakdowns

I now feel sorry for her, but she has let me down many times and has a very, very narrow world that she inhabits

both of my parents have a massive sense of entitlement, think the world revolves around them and want everything on their own terms

I don't ask, or expect anything

'tis the best way (but very hard-won to get to this point...)

you did ask

[taffetacat]

OP - I really feel for you. My mother is not the doting helpful grandmother I thought. I used to get quite jealous of people that have on tap help from eager relatives, but don't ask or expect anything any more, and as mine are a little older I pay for babysitting.

In your situation, I would tell your mother how disappointed you are, if you don't then it will always be in your mind and you will resent her. I would get your aunt/friend to babysit for the day, have DH stay the night and come back yourself in the evening.

Far from ideal I understand.