Probably I am completely. Don't know anymore. Or DH is having a nervous breakdown.

[Portofino]

Thought about namechanging for this but sod it. I'm not sure if I am losing the plot. My relationship with DH seems to have been rocky for ages, especially after we moved abroad. He got a big promotion after years of me being the main wage earner. I have done all I can to support him (gave up job, sold "my" house) It was hard at first, but I found a new job, we got settled etc. I'm not all bitter and twisted about this by the way. It was a good move for the family!

Like many people we have had a tough year financially. We moved last year to a bigger house (rented) and the bills cost more. DH seems to have got more and more unpleasant as time has gone by. I know he is stressed at work and do try to take up the slack. I work FT too so not always easy.

He wants to come home from work and watch tv cos he is stressed! I cook dinner, make pack lunches, bathe dd etc. If there is something on I want to watch I do, otherwise I mn or soemthing. I'm not allowed to bother him when he is watching something as he "had a hard day". Despite efforts to get more "engagement" from him nothing happens and I have taken to drinking wine and MNetting of an evening.

Tonight it has completed exploded. I've been telling him for ages that I am fed up of sorting everything as he is "too busy". I sent him a couple of choices for nxt years holiday today. He has yelled at me that he is so busy he can't look at such things and how selfish i am to expect him to. But only the other day he emailed asking about my Amazon wishlist and sent me a link to his...

He has totally gone crazy tonight! I am on his back all the time! He doesn't get a moment's peace (I left my bag at home this am and he was still here in his dressing gown at 9am), I spend all my time drinking.

Sorry for going on. So he completely went crazy tonight. He is not having any fun, he has no money, he earns XXXX a year so he should be able to shopping as he sees fit, he NEEDS peace and quiet when he gets home from work. I am driving him crazy with my incessant nagging (mentioned picking a campsite). He was yelling and screaming in quite an alarming way then stormed off.

He is a perfectionist and does tend to bottle stuff up. I actually remained calm during the outburst. ie stuff at work is not my fault, and maybe we need to talk to someone about stress and the relationship. He went even more crazy at the horror that this is his life. Yep, wife, child, responsibilities. From what I could work out from the yelling - He earns so much he should have designer clothes, lots of fun, and not have the stress of choosing one campsite over another. Oh and all this is my fault as I drink too much wine and go on MN.

Sorry have gone on! It is therapeutic to write it all down. But St Nicolas comes on Sunday so I don't feel like I should pack the bags and go back to UK.....

[Portofino]

Sorry - know it is long post. But in effect DH seems to want to behave as if he was single, and finds it unreasonable that hey, sometimes things are tough and you have to suck it up....

[WetAugust]

Sorry that you're experiencing this Portofino.

He sounds uber-stressed (work perhaps?) - but he shouldn't be taking it out on you.

[Portofino]

I KNOW he is stressed. Thanks WA - I guess I need to know that I am really the cause of it all!

want to address it and sort it out but apparently talking is too horrible and oppressive. So I face the end of my marriage!

[bellavita]

Oh Portofino, it sounds like he is having a mid life crisis. Poor you and poor him.

Maybe you should just leave it a day or too and slip into the conversation about going shopping for some designer clothes if he needs something new? Or instead of booking a campsite, just book a hotel without asking him.

I understand you work too but I am sure if I worked full time (I do part-time), I would still be landed with all the bill paying, holiday choosing etc etc...

He said you drink too much, do you think you do?

[pushmepullssantassleigh]

Your DH sounds similarly stressed to my DH - particularly wrt the earning XX amount and should be able to spend what he likes.

I know in the case of my DH that he finds it very stressful working so hard and particularly being responsible for other people's careers, but being unable (because we have a long commute and a lot of debt) to spend any money. I find it hard because I am his direct equivalent in a different department so have no more time available but there is still an underlying assumption (and therefore resentment!) that the running of the house and family is my responsibility.

ime there is no point talking to DH about this whilst he is actually in the throes of a stressy panic. The most helpful thing has been to try to engage him in our finances and other issues that stress him when he is otherwise calm. This makes it easier for us to relate to each other as adults rather than as a couple of angry children!

Sorry I can't be more help, but I do empathise.

[bellavita]

Btw, I know the clothes shopping isn't the answer, but maybe it would satisfy one of his whims...

[corriefan]

Does sound work related what with mentioning money often. It sounds like he feels he should be earning more for what he has to do. It's not fair to take it out on you though.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

I don't think I have anything useful to add other than it sounds like you both need to have a really good heart to heart and get everything out in the open so you can both deal with it.

[MmeLindt]

I have heard the 'I earn all this money, surely I should be able to spend it on something nice' line from DH too. In our situation it is a bit different though, as I am a SAHM.

Since you are contributing to the household finances, it is extremely unfair of him to use this against you.

Who does the housework?

DH and I had a similar crisis last year. You need to put the TV and the computer aside, sit down with him and talk.

Assuming he is willing to do that.

[Portofino]

pushme - thank you! Good to know I am not alone! I do drink too much. I freely admit that. I suppose I see it as a symptom though rather than the cause. I drink too much because i am so fecking bored of an evening with a dh who seems to think that having a conversation is wasting his valuable off time when he could be watching tv! Or at worst, I talk to him just to wind him up!

[alarkaspree]

Do you think maybe he feels guilty that he has uprooted you all in order to move abroad for the sake of his job, and now the job isn't what he hoped or he is not coping well? I think feeling guilty about someone can sometimes make people behave pretty unpleasantly towards them.

I am in a similar situation - moved abroad for DH work - and I know he sometimes feels that he can't complain about work because I made sacrifices for the sake of his career (although I am very happy here and he knows that).

I'd suggest you talk to him when he is calmer, repeat back the hurtful things he said to you and ask him if he really means them. Maybe it will help him understand how unacceptable it is to blame you for all the problems.

It does sound as if he could do with some medical help as well. Would he go to the GP?

[maamalady]

Hello, I'm a new mumsnetter so obviously don't know you (yet!), but didn't want to just dash off after reading. It sounds like a horrible situation - is there anyone you can talk to who will be able to talk to him? Not that you can't of course, but more someone who is less close to home, if you see what I mean. Maybe a good friend, or perhaps his parents? Sorry if this is really not an option! Otherwise, there's always your doctor and/or a marriage counsellor, which might be an option for you even if he won't go with you?

Sorry if you think I'm speaking out of turn or missing something that everyone else knows about you (what with me being a newbie), please ignore me if so Hope things improve for you soon.

[Portofino]

MmeLindt, he actually quite good round the house _ I could never throw that at him. He is just so defensive all the time. Everything is my fault. I see the problem that he shows no enthusiasm for anything at home - I mean anything, a joint meal, a trip to the park or swimming pool. I am of the opinion that choosing somewhere to go on holiday should be fun, or at the very least a nice thing. Not something to divorce over anyhow....

Everything seems to have become a big deal. Today i left my bag at home and had to come back for it. He was just in the shower. He said "what are you doing here?" If the roles had been reversed I would have been concerned that something had happened.

[pushmepullssantassleigh]

well here I am with mumsnet and a glass of wine on a Friday night . DH is watching supernanny .

It sounds as though he is lashing out at you due to external frustration, probably because you are the closest person.

I know I have been am guilty of following the line of least resistance because mn and wine are so much easier to deal with than a grumpy DH and wonder if it is the same for you? We now have at least 1 night a week where we sit and share some wine in the kitchen together with no tv or computer which definitely helps

[MmeLindt]

I have to badger DH to get a decision on holidays, but then I enjoy the researching and the booking of holidays and he does not.

It does not sound like he wants to spend time wiht you though, and that is worrying.

DH used to get narked at me being online too much, he did not understand that I was on MN because he was asleep on the sofa. Did he expect me to sit and look at him?

He was jealous of my online friends, he admitted later. He even worried that I had a online flirt.

I still go online occasionally in the evening, but not as often as I used to.

[Portofino]

I think he could do with going to the doctor, but he won't because everything is my fault. It is not him IFYSWIM.

I actually think that I WANT to leave now. I get nothing from the relationship anymore. I can't though. Money and DD!!!!

[Tortington]

perhaps there needs to be some structure. whereby everyone knows the part they have to play. Obviously this will have to be negotiated. Like you, i have often times felt neglected - although with dh its in favour of the computer.

over many years we have created a routine or structure o our evenings. I have told dh that i desire his company and that we should (if we love each other) give each other of our time.

to this end, our structure goes something like this.

i get in from work first and start the evening meal.

DH comes in - we chat about our day, he helps dish the meal whilst we chat.

after the evening meal, we both depart and go our seperate ways for an hour and a half ish, then we sit together and watch a film or a couple of programes. At 10.30 ish we again go our seperate ways and then at bedtime dh shouts down that he is going to bed. I then make a choice to go up or not depending on how tired i am.

at the meal time, we talk with the kids about their day too.

its a structure we adhere too. It helps us communicate as a family - i get my time - he gets his and we get ours.

we also have negotiated chores. dh does bins, recycling, makes sure they get put out for binmen. he loads dishwasher as i have cooked. he washes and irons his own shit.

i really think that communication is key in your situation. I think that your dh needs to realise that his time is not more important than your time. His job is not more important than your job. You are equals. More than that, you are in a partnership together to forge a life for your children. As an intelligent man, he should realise that partnerships in the workplace take meetings and communication. So he can make a choice. He can actively work at this partnership, negotiating the terms and conditions of this partnering agreement throughout the years. But to not mistake that his partnership with his family is THE single most important contract that he will ever be involved with.

[Portofino]

I know I have been am guilty of following the line of least resistance because mn and wine are so much easier to deal with than a grumpy DH and wonder if it is the same for you? We now have at least 1 night a week where we sit and share some wine in the kitchen together with no tv or computer which definitely helps

I tried this tonight! Hence explosion! Having a conversation is too stressful!

[MmeLindt]

You need to sit down and talk.

That means agreeing a time to talk about it, when you both have time and no distractions.

Did you spring the discussion on him?

Is he watching something that he wants to watch or is it just mindless channel flicking?

[Tortington]

oh yes - we converse at meal times and when pottering around and when he first gets in.

but i wouldn't set aside a time to sit acorss from him for a conversation. that;s madness all i would think about is how something needs fixing or how the kids need something or how he didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher. nay nay nay.

we watch something together and chat lightly whilst making a brew or something.

[Tortington]

i mean in the run of the general day

abviously you need to sit and talk about this continuing situation

[PerArduaAdSolInvictus]

Oh porto this doesn't sound right. When was the last time you spent time away from him? Would it be worth coming back to blighty for a week or so, (pref leaving DD there) so he got a chance to miss you?

[Portofino]

Custy, I totally agree with you! DH is good on the chores part, just not the communication part. He doesn't realise that I am as important as him. He doesn't get that at all.

And the idea of doing family stuff! Shock horror! Weekends are for football and recovering from the stressfull week. To be honest I think he cares more about his job than he does about us. It defines him IFYSWIM.

PS I saw photos on the dreaded FB - you are gorgeous!

[Tortington]

give over!

i think before you sack it in you need to

a) get drunk in brighton

b) go to counselling