Christmas problems

[MaggieMay1]

Hi
I'm having the age old problem with childre and Christmas when you're separated.
My ex and I take turns having our boys over Christmas. Every year they go to his mums on Christmas eve from about 2 til 9, then either I'll have them all day Christmas day or he will pick them up in the morning and have them all day(alternating each year).
My problem this year is that he now wants to have them for half of Boxing Day too (his wife's mother's birthday).
My youngest (11) is really not happy about this and wants to spend Christmas day with me, my eldest (14) says he doesn't mind (bless him, he doesn't want to upsent his volatile dad) I would be perfectly fine with this arrangement if it wasn't for my youngest not being happy at all. He has tried to speak to his dad but he makes him feel bad by saying STUPID things like 'do you love your mum more than me then?' (I can't quite believe he'd be as irresponsible as that, but then again I can)
In the past when I've tried to talk to my ex about matters like this, he completely flies off the handle telling me 'he has to do what I say, etc, etc' and I don't want to cause problems that my children will have to suffer the consequences of.
Really getting stressed about how I can handle this situation.
Any ideas?

Maggie

[missingtheaction]

Is it your Xmas day this year or his?

[WhatDidISayRoy]

if it is his turn to have xmas day, then a bit mean to have them box too.

[MaggieMay1]

It's his turn to have them Christmas day this year, but he wants to have them on for half of Boxing day because it's his wifes mothers birthday. They both really don't want to go there.

[Vivia]

Sorry to be blunt, but why would your DSs care that it's their father's wife's mother's birthday? That's no reason to keep them there when one DS is unhappy. Your ex's birthday I could understand, but this isn't reason to upset a child's christmas hopes.

[diddl]

I think he´s asking too much tbh.
Do your children care about his wife´s mother?

Do they want to see her on her birthday?

[MaggieMay1]

When I said that to him a previous year he got extremely angry shouting 'it's MY WIFES MOTHER and they have to do what I say'
I've emailed him asking to sort this out without any problems, and that they're old enough to make their own decisions.
Expecting an angry phone call or email back now.

[MaggieMay1]

They actually hardly know her mother at all, and last year had to sit and watch her having her toenails cut. They don't want to go there at all. (understandably)

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Surely that last statement was for comic effect? If it's true, and regardless of whether it is or not, YANBU. He is, why would your ds' care about someone who doesn't share any blood ties with them at all. Tell him to chuff off.

[sis]

If it is that important to your ex and his wife, you could offer to swap Christmas Day with Boxing Day -i.e. they get the children on Boxing Day but you get them on Christmas Day.

[MaggieMay1]

I too believe that being related by blood doesn't make any difference (my son has said countless times he'd rather my partner was his dad than his own).
If my ex was a reasonable person I wouldn't have this problem, my problem is him and his controlling ways (the reason I left him in the first place) unfortunately, being separated hasn't stopped him trying to control us.

[Surfermum]

I agree that an extended step-family can be important. Dsd loves spending time with my family and loves being at my mum and dads.

But when it comes to things like this we always take the lead from dsd and what she wants to do. Your son clearly wants to spend some time with you over Christmas and I don't think it would be unreasonable to offer to swap Christmas Day for Boxing Day so they can go to the birthday party.

[MaggieMay1]

I've sent this email:
Hi

As you may be aware, (our youngest) is getting quite upset about the Christmas arrangements. As you are having them for half of Christmas eve, half of Boxing day and the whole of Christmas day I feel like we should make a compromise. If (our youngest) was happy about this arrangement I would be too.
(Our eldest) is saying he doesn't mind, but I think that is more to do with the fact that he doesn't want to upset you, and he shouldn't have that worry.
My suggestion is that the boys stay with me on Christmas day and if you would like, I will drop them off on Boxing day morning. Otherwise have them Christmas day and I will pick them up in the evening.
I'd like to think we can sort this out without any problems, and as you say, they are getting to the age where they should be able to make their own decisions about such things now

That sound reasonable?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I think that sounds very reasonable. He won't be able to force contact for much longer, he has had his opportunity to develop a proper loving relationship with them and by the sounds of things he has failed.

[ChrisMissWooWoo]

I think swapping days this year is a great idea - so you get them christmas day and he has them boxing day - if he wants it that much then surely he can be flexible?

[Surfermum]

Sounds good to me.

[MaggieMay1]

Sounds good to me, if only my ex would agree to that too.

[MaggieMay1]

ok, latest is, I've spoken to my ex's wife (because he was too angry to speak to me).
She has told me how very upset they are that my son doesn't want to spend christmas with them. That he is 11 and should 'do as he's told'
I've offered a compromise of picking them up on Christmas day evening so they spend the day there but not half of Boxing day - she wasn't particularly happy (dread to think how my ex will react towards his son when he sees him tomorrow).
Basically she thinks he's being a spoilt brat and not considering his father's feelings.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

But why on earth should they expect him to want to be away from his Mum for the whole of Christmas, especially if there is the attitude that this is all for the father's benefit rather than his?

It might be worth reminding your ex that shared contact/access whatever you want to call it is supposed to be for the benefit of the children, not the parents.

[diddl]

Another point, does the wifes mother care about seeing your children on her birthday?

But he shouldn´t expect to have them Christmas Day & Boxing Day.

[MaggieMay1]

Have spoken to my youngest and he has agreed to stay over if he is dropped off in the morning (so basically spending only a short amount of time at his wifes mothers).
I feel like he is compromising to keep things easy, which surely should be what his father should be doing.
I can't quite get over how she kept going on about THEIR feelings, as if an 11 year olds feelings don't count for anything. Grrr.