..re half sister and HER half brother?

[Brunettelady]

Sorry long one

I have 2 half brothers and a step sister who I am quite close to and I have lived with them at one point (I was mainly brought up by my nan). I think if these as 'proper' brothers and sister and never bother with the whole half thing (felt it was nessecary else people may not understand the thread). These are now all adults and I get on well with them. I also have another half sister (I'll call A) who is only 12 and her mum (we share a dad) has a son (I'll call B) from a previous relationship.

I have always treated all 5 'siblings' the same but I am getting fed up of this with regards to xmas and birthdays. No problem with the grown up siblings. The problem is with A and B. I have always bought presents for them for xmas and birthdays but never ever had a thank you. They are pretty spoilt and not that grateful. The year I had my DS it was my Bs bday the week before I gave birth. We had recently been evicted while I was pregnant, living somewhere we hated and I had an iminent birth on my mind. I forgot Bs bday. As a result I got no present (not that I expect it) or card, which yes I did expect after all these years of knowing their mum and getting on very well with her (when I had DS). My dad said his DP was annoyed that I 'didn't bother' with Bs bday. I explained to him my reasons and to be honest it is not that important to me anymore. Then his DP only came to visit me as she had kicked B out of the house (a regular occurence, he has serious behavioural problems, down to bad parenting on her part) and didn't want to sit a listen to him banging on the window. I know what he is like and he is not a nice person, and once he is an adult (not too far off) I know I will not see him, I only see him now about twice a year. I rarely see A also even though she lives down the road from me. I only seem to see her when she needs somewhere to go or to be picked up etc, which I have always done.

Anyway, this year I didn't get a present, I just sent a card when it was As bday as I know that if I gave her a present and not B, their mum would moan big time (you can't not give both, etc). When I went on holiday (a token from the newspaper holiday) my sister (A) asked me if I had brought her anything back, not did you have a nice time, just all about wanting as usual. I said we didn;t get anything for anyone and we weren't made of money. She then came out with (and if this had been face to face and not online I would have swung for her) "oh you can afford a new kitchen, carpets and go on holiday...." We have been saving for years to get a shared ownership house (all we can afford) and we had a little left over for some home improvements, I had a bit of inheritence to use for this. I started telling her then I said I didn't need to explain my finances to a 12 year old and who did she think she was. She then started going on about she always buys my presents when she goes away (no she doesn't, and not that I expect her to) and how she spent £30 on my DSs bday (again it was £10 but I don't care if it was a fiver, its the thought that counts).

Anyway for xmas I'm getting bloody fed up of it and have bought my grown up siblings some alcohol and I know they are getting DS some great stuff, don't know about me but not bothered. I have only bought A some chocolate and giving her photo keyring of her nephew. I have also bought a tin of sweets between A, B and their mum (who I'm not exactly sure if my dad is even with and if she is even going to be there on xmas day). If their mum is there I know there will be comparisons with what I have got my grown up siblings to what I have got her children. If she isn't there I know that the fact that I have got A something (even if it is small) but not for B will probably turn into an issue too.

So, really sorry for the long story but AIBU?

[kinnies]

Dont sweat it.

Just refuse to be drawn into a row with them. Remain polite but take no sh*t.

A,B & their mum sound charming!! lol

[ineedalifelaundry]

They sound very petty and materialistic. I bet B turns into a right madam when she hits her teens.

Don't engage with such selfish, consumerist behaviour. Ignore as much as you can.

[Plumm]

YANBU.

What kind of 12 yrd old has an attitude like that - disgraceful.

[Brunettelady]

Thanks, I really thought I was being the petty one, arguing with a 12 year old and that. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I am naturally a worrier about what other think etc.

TBH their mum is nice and we get on well (well shes always nice to my face and complains about the presents thing to my dad). She is very well mannered and well spoken, its just a shame she hasn't passed on these traits to her children.

Ineedalife, she already is a madam, no need to wait for teens! lol. She is only going to get worse, especially from what my dad has been telling me about her attitude. I'm ot sure I want someone like that around my DS anyway.

Plumm, so glad you agree! My DH said I shouldn't get into an arguement with her etc but I refuse to just let her disgusting attitude win and I have to let her know how appaling I find it.

[Ivykaty44]

Just say - oh money is tight we are going to have to leave presnts with some people this year - can you not buy for us pleaseso we don't exchange persents.

Then leave it at that....

Ideal if you can shot it down in an email and then mention again face to face.

You can give keyring and oher pressy to someone else or keep

[2rebecca]

B is your stepsister, but as you've never lived with her then I wouldn't expect a present buying relationship.
My stepson doesn't buy my kids presents, he's never lived with us and now lives on his own. He buys his sister presents.
Your dad is the one who has behaved shoddily here. My husband buys his kids presents and I buy my kids presents.
He should have bought you a present regardless of whether you bought his new partner's daughter one. He is the person you have a relationship with in that family really.
I would stick to sending cards to the kids and buying a present for your dad and making it clear that you expect a present to be reciprocal to you buying one for him, and that it's him you have the relationship with, and the number of new wives and kids he has after you lived independantly shouldn't affect this.

[Brunettelady]

2rebecca, I think you have the wrong end of the stick. My dad has always got presents, there is no issue there. He just told me what his DP said to him about me not buying HER son anything. B is my half sister not step, we have the same dad. A is my dads DPs son (they were never married so he is not related)

[Brunettelady]

Sorry, A is my half sister, B is her half brother. Me and A share a dad and A and B share a mum. I know its confusing. lol.

[2rebecca]

Your dad didn't buy you a present after you didn't buy B one though did he? You said his new partner didn't buy you one, but I really feel it's up to your dad to buy you whatever sort of present it was you were expecting. I'm not clear if it was a birthday present you didn't get, or a present for the new baby. Either way this seemed to be a present you didn't get from your dad, as I assume he is still with A&B's mother.

[Brunettelady]

My dad DID buy a present and get a card, this really isn't the issue. He and his on/off DP have always done separate persents. His on/off DP has always got presents for us in the past therefore it is expected that we buy for HER son, but she doesn't expect her son to go and spend his (substantial) pocket money on us but we (grown up siblings) are all expected to go and buy for her son. Even when my grown up brothers were in very early teens she still expected them to go out and spend their money on HER son. I remember her saying about it.

[2rebecca]

Sorry when you described A&B's mum as your dad's partner it didn't occur to me that she and your dad would buy seperate presents as that is quite an odd situation in my experience.
In that case the situation seems quite simple. Just tell A&B's mum that you'll be sticking to cards for her, A&B from now on.
If sibling/ stepsiblings buy each other presents then it should be reciprocal, with the parent buying a present from the younger child if the younger child is too young/ doesn't get pocket money.
She is expecting you to behave like their aunt which is inappropriate.

[Brunettelady]

Yeah I didn't think to say about the seperate present buying. I'm so used to it that I don't think about it anymore .

My half sister has just pissed me off even more now!! Bloody facebook. She answered a question on social interview about whether I had ever done anything for her, she said no!!!! The amount of times I have looked after her, taken her and friends out on her bdays because they needed more than 1 car. I pointed out that I have looked after her and her answer was "its only because dad asked you to". Stupid ungrateful little cow. She also had the word fuck in her status and I said "language (she is only 12 after all and her mum is on her friends list) then I had the word bloody on mine and she commented. Last time I checked I was an adult and she was a child. I know its childish but she pisses me right off!! Arrrggghhhhhhhhh

[2rebecca]

Delete her from your friends and stop looking at her facebook stuff. Just because your dad is having a relationship with her mother it doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with her if you prefer not to.
I'd keep it cool and concentrate on the relatives you like as it sounds like you have plenty of those, she may be OK in a few years time

[Brunettelady]

Yeah I have just said to my DH that I was thinking of deleting her, just before I read your post .

I should concentrate on the others. Some of my family I (and others in my family) would quite happily never see again. Luckily there are some who are great! I'll just focus on them! Thanks for the advice, I know I shouldn't let a 12 year old get to me this much. lol.

[Vivia]

Definitely delete her from Facebook for a start - she won't know you've deleted her unless she looks for your page (make yours private). I'd be infuriated by this child too! But she is just a child and will hopefully grow out of it.

[LoveBeingAMummy]

She's 12 years old ffs. She's got parents with a strange relationship, half brothers and sisters a plenty. Have you thought about this from her pov, I don't just mean you and present thing but her life.

[troutpout]

Aww..She's only 12...must still be confusing as to where she stands with the family. It sounds as complex as mine tbh!
I'd still buy her a present (and try to like her when she is being abnoxious too...it comes with the terriotry at 12 i think).
You don't have to go mad...my 12 year old would be happy with something chocolate tbh.

[Brunettelady]

Lovebeing, she does have it ok. I don't think she would want my dad to live there cause then she would actually get disciplined and not be able to swear and talk exactly how she likes.

Troutpout, I do get something chocolate, that is what I have got her this year but for her I haven't spent enough. Its tough as thats what shes getting.

The main problem is that if I buy her (which I have, even if it is something small) I feel like I have to get her half brother as well, and I really don't want to, I love giving presents to people and want to spend my time and money on the ones who bloody appreciate it!

[LoveBeingAMummy]

I do believe that no rules equals uncertainty for children. Put your own rules inpace and it may be the making of her. Children generally behavur when they visit friends houses (think kevin the teenager ~ harry enfield) becuase they knw they can't get away with it. Children push to see how far they can go.

[Brunettelady]

Oh she knows I won't stand for the way she is/talks to people, and that I don't allow it in my house. Thats probably why she doesn't come over (even though I have said she could come over whenever, this was before she started being gobbier than ever though).

[StrictlyKatty]

Wow I'm shocked you were ever buying B presents! I buy my half borther and sister presents but would never buy THEIR 2 half brothers from their Mum's first marriage presents... I'm not related to them, nor have I live with them.

I think you were very generous to do it all TBH.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

I agree it sounds over the years you have been very generous to your half sis and her bro!

she's doing a great job of manipulating you at the mo.

My advice would be NEVER to communicate with her other than face to face or on the phone. Commmunication is always lacking if it's text/email/facebook. And I'm afraid getting drawn in to commenting on her stuff on facebook just brings you down to her 12 yr old level. Don't let her. Just delete her and communicate in person and keep it at that level.

and don't second guess yourself, you have NO reason to justify your spending to a kid, and you have clearly been at great pains to keep good contact with your wider family all this time!

[Brunettelady]

Thanks Strictly and Cirrhosis. That does make me feel much better. Its because A and Bs mum has always bought for me that its a mortal sin (in her eyes) if we dare to leave out her son (who she constantly says that she can't wait for the day he turns 16 so she can kick him out!).

She has put a couple of things on facebook but I have deleted them without commenting (which was so hard) but you are right, I shouldn't reduce myself to her level.

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

Can I make a counter-suggestion? I don't think you are BU, but I wonder whether you are making yourself as happy as you could be. It's clearly a difficult and frustrating situation and you have clearly been a very loving and committed family member.

I just think sometimes there's a lot to be said for taking the moral high ground and being super nice even though you don't need to be. You can then rest comfortable in the knowledge no-one can criticise or carp about you, and you won't have to look forward to Christma anticipating complaints and misery. Maybe, just maybe, by spending £5 on a box of choccies or whatever for B, you would be buying yourself peace, quiet and a warm glow inside [insert angel emoticon here].

Just think about it, and see whether that gives you a calmer, happier sense inside - if so, then go ahead and buy a token gift for B. It's really a present to yourself at Christmas.

[Brunettelady]

Great advice Working!! If I do get a little something then at least they can't say I haven't bothered.

What I have done so far is get A a selection box and a photo keyring of her nephew (not actually sure if she will like that but my other brothers and sister loves them and wanted them early). I also got a large tine of sweets between A, B and their mum. Do you think this is enough or should I get something small for B too?