Note: Please bear in mind that this topic encourages posters to give their opinions - i.e. they might disagree with you. That said, in line with our Talk policy elsewhere, we don't allow personal attacks no matter how unreasonable you think someone is. Do report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ.
...make an issue out of his female best friend
|
(79 Posts)
|
Hello
Not posted before but I read daily... thought maybe you guys could give your opinions on this situation.
I've been seeing someone for about 3 months, things are pretty good, he's met my children, etc - all fine. However his best friend is female, she is single, and in the past they've slept together (on two occasions he says). I thought that was a bit odd when he first told me, but thought hey, he's with me - forget about that. They didn't see each other all that much for the first 6 weeks or so that we were together, but recently they've been meeting up more (which he tells me about, which is good, right?). But now they've decided that they're going to go swimming together two evenings a week... was a bit
when he told me, but didn't say anything. He rang me last night and said he couldn't see me tonight as they were going swimming, but will come over weds evening instead. I said ok... then about an hour later had a text saying "I can come and see you tomorrow (tues) after all as i'm not going swimming anymore". I replied saying "Oh, why's that..." to which he replied saying "X can't make it anymore and I'm not motivated enough to go on my own"
Am I being childish by feeling that I'm second choice? Like, if she was free he'd go swimming with her, but now that she's busy he'll come and see me instead. Part of me thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I can't helping feeling rubbish about it all.
Thoughts? I would prefer complete honesty, if I'm being a goon then tell me so! (PS. I'm confined to home every evening unless I get a babysitter or the ex and very not dear H happens to have the children. This may be adding to my frustration.)
OK, so you have agreed on monogamy and trust him. In whcih case YABU and need to find yourself something else to think about so you don't spend all your time obsessing over what he's doing and who with.
SGB - We've talked about the fact that we are in a monogamous reationship and we are only sleeping with each other... I don't think that makes me desperate, just means that I don't want to shag about and I don't expect my man to either (he feels the same).
Spent most of the weekend with him and found out that it was just blokes out on friday night,the best friend was away this weekend.
I'm not worried that he is actually sleeping with her,I trust him that he wouldn't do that,it's more the idea that there are underlying feelings. I know I can't ask him not to be friends with her,there's no way i would want to do that - my OP was asking if I was being unreasonable for 'feeling' a bit hurt and bothered about him choosing to go swimming with her once or twice a week.
How much discussion have you actually had with this man about monogamy, boundaries etc? Because he doesn;t appear to be lying to you or concealing anything from you, which rather suggests that he doesn't, at least yet, see the relationship between you and him as a big serious exclusive major commitment. And at only 3 months into it, unless you have both agreed that you are desperate only interested in Serious Relationships, nor should you.
he's just not that into you,op
move on
YANBU at all! You'd have an issue with him going to the pub with his mate Dave if he'd shagged him twice too right??
DH had a female friend when we first met - she was a peculiar girl who appeared to be stalking a friend of his. She'd turn up on a Sunday morning and join us for breakfast with no sense that maybe she was intruding, in the hope we'd see his friend at the pub in the afternoon. She came out with us as like the third person in the couple, it was just odd and I couldn't understand why he was humoring her.
We hadn't been together long at the time, but I knew it wasn't something I could put up with longterm, so said so - as in all things relationship wise, just be honest.
If it's bothering you now it will continue to do so, and I think he'll have the same problem with any new girlfriend tbh. Wether they admit ot or not.
After 3 months you should have been invited to his birthday.
Sorry, but that is ringing alarm bells for me.
Maybe he's not looking for or ready for a serious or regular relationship?
he didnt invite you (his girlfriend) to his birthday?
you dont have a boyfriend you have a fuck buddy
he doesn't consider you appropriate to come to his birthday.that speaks volumes
He didn't invite you to his birthday, need i say more.
Fwiw, I think any guy who cancels regular appointments just because he's got a new girlfriend is an arse. If they always go swimming on atuesday, why should it change just because there's a new woman in his life? You wouldn't ask him to cancel his macrame evening class either, because he should want to spend time with you instead.
As soon as she cancelled the appointment he wants to spend time with his new girlfriend. That's a good thing. He could decide to stay at home watch champions league and scratch his balls instead.
Also, the best friend has cancelled appointments twice, it could well be that she's actually nudging him into spending time with you.
The question when he slept with her is neither here nor there. I slept with my friend numerous times over the course of 6 years, the last time about a month before getting together with my husband, who I had been known for about a year at that point in time. To make things complicated it was long distance for a year when husband and I got together. Husband knew about past with friend, but at no point in time ever asked me to cease contact with friend. The opposite is true, the two guys get along like a house on fire. I even kept sleeping over at friends place (in separate rooms) after parties. It was never an issue, because husband trusts me.
Friend was invited to our wedding (with his wife and daughter) so were a couple of my husbands exes.
It's all a question of trust.
Wow
just caught up with all these replies from the last couple of days, thanks so much to everyone who's responded. Obviously different viewpoints are what I wanted so it's great to hear so many. I'm still undecided...he ended up coming over twice this week as she cancelled their plans (swimming on tues and badminton on thurs
) .
I really don't mind having a boyfriend who has female friends, i have male friends and i honestly think that's fine. It is purely the issue of having such a close friend and one who he would choose to spend time with over me. An ex boyfriend had lots of male friends who towards the end of the relationship he chose to spend time with over me, and i had a problem with that too. In no way am I saying he should want to see me every day, i don't want to see him every day at all, but the whole "I'll see you if she's busy,otherwise i'll be with her" mentality is what irks me.
Forehead that scenario is exactly what I suspect and fear is the case... that they aren't together because she has vetoed it, if she changed her mind i probably wouldn't see him for dust.
Ah well i'm going to ride it out and see what happens over the next couple of weeks, and suggest meeting up with his friends. He went out with them all (inc her) last night for his birthday, i wasn't invited
Baby name finder
Shortcuts