a genuine aibu - I don't know (v. long)

[TheArmadillo]

Dp has gone out lunchtime today and stopping over tonight at a mates. he rarely goes out and has been having a hard time, losing his job on top of everything else. I encouraged him to go.

I started getting a migraine before he went, but MIL was coming over to see us later and would take ds out for a bit if I was feeling crap. She was also going to take me shopping to get stuff desperately needed (I had to bake cake for her party tomorrow adn we were nearly out of food).

By the time she got here I was in agony, no painkillers in house, and throwing up constatnly. ds was getting freaked out. She brought me painkillers and took my shopping list saying she would come back later at ds bedtime and put him to bed.

Ds never stays in bed. I was in agony, still throwing up and MIL wanted to know if rather than going out with ds I wanted her to stay as she was worried about leaving me in that condition.

BAckground is when I get migraine that bad I get disorientated, clumsy, my vision goes and slur my words and I lose track of time so have to be monitored to make sure I don't overdose on painkillers (as I can't remember what I have taken or when). I also have habit of doing something stupid as pain just leaves me just completely unaware almost of my actions. Dp will never usually leave me alone let alone with ds and lodger is out all night as well. MIL couldn't stay as has big meeting tonight (not that it is her job to).

So when she left I phoned dp in hysterics begging him to come home. I would never and have never done this before. He said no so I hung up. I stupidly decided to have a bath and nearly drowned (having taken to many painkillers I realised later when I counted them) - I woke up as lodger came back to get something and slammed every door in the house (just generally noisy). I had slipped down in bath and mouth full of water.

I am furious with dp at mo. Head is ok at mo and I have stopped throwing up but it may come back when painkillers wear off from experience. I am just worried about being alone at home with ds when I can go downhill again and what if something happens. He hasn't even phoned back to check I'm ok.

I feel like I can't rely on him and I havne't got anyone else. There is a history to this being the only other time I begged him not to leave me adn help me out (I was fainting from tiredness as ds had terrible colic and wouldn't sleep for more than 10 mins at time and had been like that for motnhs - dp wasn't living with us at that point so was getting full nights sleep) he refused saying he couldn't let his friends down. This was when ds was baby so about 4 yrs ago.

Generally though he is fab and fully does his share of housework and taking care of ds without being asked. He has been brilliant support for me through the past few months with loadsa shit from my family.

And he is on his only night out in ages. And I am okish now and for the time being. And I am a grown up. But I was terrified, hysterical adn in pain and worried for ds safety. Dp has come home from work before (without being asked) because he won't usually leave me in that state alone - it worries him too much. He usually has to pin me down to stop me doing something stupid - things I would never in my rational mind normally do. It is a horrible thing and difficult to describe how much I lose any rationality or ability to do stuff. I just feel that when it comes to the worse I have no one I can completely rely on, now I don't have my family to do that. Not even dp.

AIBU

[mumof2andabit]

YANBU

You are his family, you should be his first priority. If it was reveresed I bet you would have gone home to him.

[ravenAK]

I wouldn't leave my dh if he were that ill.

OTOH, if he were that ill on a regular basis I'd be insisting he got it checked out! How regularly do you get these migraines?

(I also have migraines - can't see clearly or think straight so wouldn't want to be in sole charge of dc, but they aren't such agony I forget what painkillers I've taken & they're maybe once a year if I'm v tired/stressed).

[thisisyesterday]

no, you aren't being unreasonable at all.
I can see why he would want to be out, like you say there are many reasons for him to want to enjoy his night away.
BUT that is not more important than your wellbeing and that of your child.
he's being selfish

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

YANBU
Poor you. He should have come home, no question. He could have rearranged his night out. How upsetting for you.

[TheProvincialLady]

YANBU but you also need to take a bit of responsibility for yourself. If you are prone to being unsafe when taking medications/having a migraine then having a bath is just plain silly. And you need to come up with a plan for managing your medications in future, such as a timed pill box or something. You don't want to end up dead or with a damaged liver or drowned

I do think that your dp is a selfish idiotic git though - or at least his behaviour on this and the other occasiob would suggest it. Do you think he really understands how bad it gets for you, or do you think he is annoyed with you for not taking proper care of yourself or what is it?

[CarGirl]

YANBU

I get panicky and disorientated when I have a severe migraine and certainly aren't capable of childcare duties!

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

I think you need to work on getting some sort of proper support system in place and a full investigation from your GP and properly managed treatment, because even if your DP did his best on every occasion, there are going to be times when he simply can't be there (ie if he is working 40 miles away, or breaks his leg and is busy having it plastered up when your migraine strikes).

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

I think you need to work on getting some sort of proper support system in place and a full investigation from your GP and properly managed treatment, because even if your DP did his best on every occasion, there are going to be times when he simply can't be there (ie if he is working 40 miles away, or breaks his leg and is busy having it plastered up when your migraine strikes).

[LoveMyGirls]

I think your mil if she couldn't stay - and I agree why should she, although if she could have arranged to stay it would have been better than leaving you with no-one as she also has a duty to her grandchild's welfare surely, how would she have felt if you had drowned in the bath and your ds had found you? (maybe wise not to have a bath while you have migraine and are alone) maybe mil should have called your dp and explained on your behalf, would he have said no to his mum? I know you are not children etc but sometimes boys men do listen to their mum's more than their dw's sometimes and your mil sounds lovely.

[theDreadPirateRabbits]

Agree - YANBU, but you need to work out the medication thing. Have you tried triptans? I moved to them when I was having very vomity migraines, and just couldn't work out whether or not I'd kept down even a half dose (my personal best was 3 hours vomiting every 20 minutes...) You can get one of the triptans in a nasal spray, so stomach doesn't come into it, and there's also injectables. See your doctor [stern].

I know how terrifying it is - when BFing I was getting two a week, luckily mainly visual, but still terrifying, especially the first which came on as I was changing a nappy on the dining room table and suddenly couldn't work out how many legs there were...

[Uriel]

YANBU to ask dp to come back (although he may not have fully realised how ill you are and has probably had a drink) but YABU in that you haven't got your migraine meds sorted.

I get migraines and there is stuff out there to stop you throwing up. You need to see your GP pronto.

Hope it doesn't come back tonight.

[TheArmadillo]

I do get migraines regularly but ones like this are maybe once a year or so.

I was stupid to run out of pills - I was trying to save money figuring that I was unlikely for something that bad to hit so I was unable to get to shop.

I know I shouldn't take a bath in that state and normally I wouldn't - but in that state I am not rational or reasonable. I have been restrained from doing terrible things over the years firstly by my mum (they started when I was a child) adn then by my dp which is part of the reason I am so angry as he knows I cannot be trusted. It is like in a way being hideously drunk or high and having no control or no ability to stop and think 'that's a stupid idea'. Though a timed pill box would be brilliant if I can find one.

I have no one else to turn to apart from dp for this. This is the first time since I cut the strings from my family (though I am still in reduced contact with them) that this has hit me. Normally I get enough warning that dp can get back. Previously at worst I would have asked my family to take ds - but I can't anymore. I think that's why it hurts so much.

[Ronaldinhio]

you are not being unreasonable but I think a deep breath and a nights sleep will give you a different perspective.
Rehashing incidents from years ago won't help but they always come out in any argument I conduct in my head too.

It sounds as though you are having a terrible time with your migraines. Please, please try to get something to help better control them.
Even in terms of an agreement that a friend, MIL or DP agree in future that you are never left on your own again whilst so physically unwell especially in charge of a child.
When you start to get warning signs a timer and tablet seperater would be a better plan than the one you have at the moment.

Hanging up probably didn't help bring your DP home but in that physical state you probably weren't best able to reasonably argue your point or anything else for that matter.
You poor thing!

I think honestly telling him how frightened you were and how unsafe and unhelpful he was and making a plan for the future is the way forward.

BTW get off mn.....flickering screen will not be helping your head

[TheArmadillo]

The computer prob isn't helping but it's keeping me awake till ds falls asleep (he keeps running downstairs and if I go to bed while he's awake he won't sleep at all).

I have a fear of drs because of partly the way they treated me when my mum called them out when I first had one this bad. I've never believed they will take me seriously if I go to them with this. I also think that there is information that will come out that will lead to them refusing to give me any tablets.

I'm going to check ds is asleep and then go to bed if he is. Hopefully (probably) I will have calmed down by the time dp comes home tomorrow.

thanks.

[solidgoldshaggingbunnies]

Well it sounds like you are having a horrible time with your migraines but it also sounds like you are making things a bit more difficult than they need to be (cutting off family, resistant to going to doctor), and while I don't think your DP is being as supportive as he could be, it might also be that he is getting a bit 'oh god, not again, why won't she sort it out?' Because it can be quite difficult living with someone who has a problem of some kind which makes them dependent on you, particularly if it seems as though they are not being all that proactive in fixing the problem.
Basically I think he should have come home, but can see why he didn't (ie it's not just that he's a selfish bastard...)
See a doctor for your own sake, there are lots of treatments for debilitating migraines and no need to suffer like this.

[traceybath]

umm, perhaps he felt if you were well enough to make a cake you were ok to be left alone.

Pretty much agree with solidgold.

Hope your head is better though.

[FlukeU]

solidgold has the gist. Its not all about you dear.

[onebatmother]

You know, FlukeU, it's not interesting or perspicacious to be unnecessarily unkind. It's just, you know, unnecessarily unkind.

And ultimately attention-seeking, I think.

[Ronaldinhio]

funny I was just searching on fluke but couldn't decide whether it was a pleasant Easter visitor or a name changer trying to goad some excitement

[FlukeU]

How sad you are that you cannot receive a new poster in a kind spirit. I post my opinion. Is that wrong because it doesnt comply with your partyline?
How sad.
Unkind no - truth yes.

[pointydog]

how sad m y arse

[FlukeU]

oh go to bed