to not want exP to take our 5mth dd to spend the day with his gf....

[alandimi]

..... when I haven't met her yet, don't really want to and am not really interested in doing so? (nothing against her, although she is everything I'm not and even though I don't ever want to get back with exP it just kind of reminds me that I'm not what he wants).

I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just don't like the idea of them playing happy families with MY dd and him posting pics of 'his girls' on facebook or using a photo of the gf and dd together as wallpaper on his phone (which I know he would do).

I know they've got to meet as some point and dd probably won't even remember spending the day with them at this age but I don't want the gf hugging and kissing my dd or being looked after by someone I don't know.

Me - Possessive, irrational, jealous? probably but it just really grates on me.

Any advice on how to handle this. I want exP to have some time with dd as we are moving north next week and he won't see her so much but I'm just not happy about him taking her to spend the day with the gf.

[cory]

Is she his daughter?

And if so, what about if you meet someone? Could your exP then reasonably insist on your dd not having contact with your new partner?

This one could come back to haunt you.

Unless he has been violent or abusive towards his dd, then she is as much his as she is yours.

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

How you feel is perfectly understandable: unfortunately, if your XP is a good dad in other ways (ie just not the right partner for you) then you kind of have to deal with the feelings and not act on them. It will bother you less as time passes, honestly - and there will be a point where you will be happy for your DD to have another adult in her life who cares about her, which may happen if the XP stays with this new girlfriend - or finds a subsequent one. And don;t forget, as Cory says, you may find a new partner in the future and want this partner to be a feature in your DD's life.

[mankymummy]

understandable. totally. but you will always be her mum. try to accept the inevitable gracefully...

keep yourself busy / pamper yourself whilst DD is away.

[LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits]

YANBU in not wanting this event to occur but YABU if you actually prevent this event from occuring. It must be really difficult but maybe you could look at it from the point of view that it's great that he wants to spend time with your DD. Don't forget you will always be her mum

[Nabster]

I really think you need to meet her before letting her spend any time with your child.

[VinegarTits]

YABU and you know you are but i fully understand your reasons for this, especially if the reason you broke up is because you are not what he wanted, i am afriad you are going to have to bite your tongue and let them get on with it, he is her father(i assume) and has every right to bring other people into her life, just as you do

Its hard, i know its is, i have been there, but you never know she may be a really nice person, and it is not her fault that you and your ex didnt work out, at the end of the day, you will always be mummy, nobody can take that from away from you, you will always be number one in your dd life, but it is good and healthy thing to let other people enjoy her too

[alandimi]

Yes, DD is his daughter and no, he's not violent or abusive. It's just that if the gf was just a friend and not a gf I'd feel differently but because she is the gf it just feels wrong for some reason (potential step-mother....?).

I agree with the whole 'what about if you meet someone' but I feel that as dd lives with me, if I meet someone they will meet her and this will initially be as a friend...

I know it's a warped way of thinking.....

[alandimi]

I think what worries me is the idea of her possibly being my dd's 'other mummy' and that takes something away from me.

[cory]

Try to think of it as something that gives something extra to your dd, not takes something from you. This other woman will never be your dd's mum, but with luck and if things work out, she can become a valued friend to your dd.

[nellyfin]

well, emotionally yes, it's tough, but you just have to deal with it I'm afraid. That's life. Rather than being worried they are playing 'happy families', you need to be pleased they are and encourage it. Step parenting is tough FOR ALL involved (including your ex and his gf), try and make life as easy as possible for all involved and the benefits for your DD will make it all worth while.

[VinegarTits]

But it doesnt take anything away from you, honestly, and just because your dd lives with you, doesnt mean your ex loses his right to intruduce new people to your dd, as long as he is a good father there really is nothing you can do to stop him

My ex didnt even tell me he was intrudcing a new gf to my ds, i only know because ds talks about her, i have no right to tell him he cannot bring people in 'our' ds life, just as he has no right to tell me, we are equal as parents.

[alandimi]

I'm not saying he can't introduce new people, of course he can. I just think when it comes to potential step mothers it's different.....

Plus I left my dd on her own with exP (for a whole day and night) for the first time this week which was a huge thing for me and him now saying he wants dd to spend a whole day with a woman I don't know, who could be her other mummy is an even bigger thing.

[alandimi]

Maybe it would be different if dd was older. I don't feel like I have much of a head start in the mother department with her only being 5 months old.

[PersephoneSnape]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all - your DD is 5 months old, so possibly won't know thatteh gf is a gf etc, but how long has xp been seeing gf? I'd want them to have a reasonably stable realtionship before DD was introduced to a significant other. If gf is recently on the scene, I'd want them to be together for an appreciable period before DD was introduced and would stand by the same rules myself in introducing DD to any potential partner.

[PersephoneSnape]

sorry - distracted and posted before I'd explained myself fully! I think my point is casual girlfriends/boyfriends probably wouldn't be ideal, especially when your DD is a little older and has an appreciation of realtionships - I think children need stablity. if your ex and gf are having a serious relationship, then, after time, she should meet DD. If it's the early stages of a relationship or the relationship isn't serious, then she shouldn't meet her at this point..

[alandimi]

Bit of background. exP and I went out for a couple of years, split up and about 8 months later had a one night stand, got pregnant (exP surprisingly happy considering the reason we split was because he didn't want kids), I was still in love with exp but he didn't want to go there again. I agreed to move south so he could be involved (me still in love at this point with the ridiculous notion we would get back together when baby was born) He met gf in may(?) last year but didn't tell me, they got together properly in august of last year (didn't tell me until september after baby was born). Realised when baby was born what a prat exP could be and now no longer in love with him. His gf is 23, he is 30. She apparently doesn't want kids. I think their relationship is pretty serious but I just can't get my head round this 'other mummy' thing. I do think it is very different introducing a friend rather than a 'significant other'.

[nannyL]

sorry to be blunt but i think you have to get over it regardless of the situation

he is the dad and is entitled to introduce the baby to his GF (end of, so long as they arnt violent, high in drugs etc etc which doesnt seem to be the case)
sorry.

You will always be mummy...

(I have a step dad, i cant stand him and there is no way i have any less feelings for my real dad as a result of having a step dad)

[Splizzard]

You are not being unreasonable to FEEL this way. Its natural. This is your baby and its perfectly normal to feel protective and possessive.

But this is a point where you have to just take a seat back and look at things in a different perspective.

I have been through a similar situation to you...only I was the new girlfriend.

Its difficult starting a relationship with someone who already has ties and has "been there done that" in a sense. If your ex is SERIOUS about this woman then at the end of the day the best thing for your girl will be for her to bond with her.

It will be alot easier for your daughter if she gets to know and love the gf now whilst shes young and for her to see it as normality for her to be in her life. This will be easier for her than maybe in a year or so time when she is more aware for a new person to suddenly be introduced into her life.

That said, I do STRESS that this is only the best option if your ex is secure with this woman and is sure that it is a long term relationship. If hes just dating her then he can bloody well wait!

I know its really hard but if this woman is here to stay it is the best thing for your daughter especially to maintain a good relationship with her father.

From experience I have a wonderful relationship with my stepson. Hes 2 and a half years old. I met him when he was 6 months old. He calls me "momma Ria" but by no means do I try to take the place of his mum and he knows that mummy is mummy and always will be. He can differentiate between the two of us and of course will always have a different bond with his mother than with me.

My heart goes out to you. It will get easier.

[AnitaBlake]

It would seem the relationship is going well, and I'm sure he wouldn't introduce your dd to someone who could cause her harm. He wants to be involved with his daughter. As others have said if the way you feel is unreasonable, but it is the way you feel and you need to deal with it.

If your dd is introduced to her now it will become normal and much easier for everyone (including you, believe it or not). I understand you wanting to meet her first, but would you be willing to introduce any new bfs to your ex before they can meet your dd?

This new gf will not be a 'new mummy' or another mummy, this is part of the problem that sm's and potential sm's have to deal with, if she is any kind of person, she will only want the best for your dd, and can add to your dds life in many different ways, but your dd will always know who her mummy is!

[sylvandale]

Yanbu I don't think I could be as strong as some of the pps and I would have to meet her first. A whole day with her sounds excessive for a first introduction too.

Horrible circumstances. It must be hard for you.

[NicEm]

I agree with the others that there's not much you can do as her dad has the right to spend time with her as he wishes...but completely understand where you are coming from.

However...5 months is incredibly young and at that age babies are forming attachments etc and to suddenly spend 24 hrs away from primary caregiver cannot be ideal. Shorter but more freqent visits with her dad and then gf would be a gentler way to approach things? (for both of you?)

[HecateQueenOfGhosts]

She is as much his daughter as she is yours. You can no more dictate stuff like this than he can. But you know that. I would never say someone was unreasonable to feel a certain thing - feelings are often not (rationally) reasonable.

But you know that your daughter isn't your property, you know that she is jointly the responsibility of you and her father. she is his daughter and you know that you have to seperate that from how you feel about him, so that they can have a good relationship.

Has he ever given you reason to believe that he does not have his daughter's best interests at heart? It doesn't sound like it from your posts - so trust that anyone he has in his life will do no harm.

Meeting his partner is a good idea - as long as he will meet any partner you intend to bring into her life at any point - otherwise that's terrible double standards.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, it's normal. But try to choose to behave according to the way you know in your head is right, not be led by these feelings.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

YANBU for it to bother you but like everyone else says, there's not much you can do about it.

If your ex has known his gf for coming up to a year, then she is clearly an important part of his life and as such, he will want her to be part of his dd's life as well.

You will always be her mum. No one will ever change that. I am a step mum (and have been part of my dsd's since she was 12 months old). I love her to bits and I know she feels the same. I also know it doesn't come even a teeny bit close to what she feels for her mum (and nor should it).

I know dh's ex probably felt similar to you when we first started seeing each other, but she has said now (5 years on) that she's really glad that we've settled down and dsd has stability and another adult looking out for her