To not want my son playing with the "horror" of a boy who comes into our street.

[mumhadenough]

DS is 6 and normally plays lovely with "M" next door who is 7. We live in a lovely little estate that is very safe, has speed bumps etc and is generally a good environment for kids. We have a trampoline in our front garden which most of the kids play on and its just a lovely place.

However, a few streets away from our estate is a not so nice bit, its across a very very busy main road though so we weren't that fussed about it when we moved here.

Recently, there's a young lad, 'K' who comes across from the not so nice bit to our street to play, I can't blame him, as I said its a great place for kids. But he's 7, he crosses the main road and is round here for up to 6 hours at a time with no-one obviously checking up on him. Several times my dh has asked ds not to play with M, as we've caught him smashing bottles and just generally being a nasty little shit. I can't describe it, I don't like the wee boy, he's very very cheeky, "smirks" at me whenever I've asked him or my ds not to do something, he constantly jumps our fence despite being asked not to numerous times, then runs away laughing when i go out to reprimand him. grrrr he does my head in.

Anyway, to get to the point, M next door and K are in the same class at school, so quite often when ds and M are playing happily, K will turn up and all hell breaks loose. M's dad doesn't want him playing with this boy but his mum lets him because they are in the same class. She know's his mother, who apparently has had a child removed before and in her words is a bit of a "fuckwit" so I think she feels sorry for him. I did too, when we first moved here I let him come in to play as he'd been wandering the street in the pouring rain, but some money went missing from ds' bank so he's never been allowed in since, but of course I couldn't prove it was him and I would never accuse a child of stealing without proof.

We've told our ds loads of times we don't want him playing with him, but he says he's not, he's playing with M and K just keeps turning up. However, M wants to play with K so our ds tags along, he usually ends up fighting with K at some point.

I know I'm rabbling, but our son is by no means an angel, he's very very easily led and I have seen K try to get him to do stuff, so I really don't want him near him, he's trouble. But what can I do when M is playing with him and ds wants to play with M. Today i've brought him in away from K, he's upset, but he says himself K is a nasty boy and does horrible stuff, but I can't keep taking him away from M.

I'm just at a loss as to what to do. I'm very aware K is the way he is because obviously he is unsupervised most of the time and gets away with murder. he really is going to be a loose cannon when he's older and I don't want my son being involved with him.

Opinions?

[twinsetandpearls]

I would be pleased that my son is not a snob and wants to play with a boy that others are quick to judge. How can you dislike a 7 year old?

[Saturn74]

Poor K.
I'd probably let my DS play with him, but only in the garden where I could keep an eye on them.
Seven isn't very old - it's a shame the poor child has a reputation already.
Perhaps he won't be a "loose cannon when he's older" if he's welcomed into a family environment with firm boundaries.

[mustsleep]

maybe you could teach him not to be so easily lead

at some point he will have friends in school that you are not keen on but maybe he will have learnt at an early age to make judgements about right and wrong himself and not be lead into trouble

[pReachyTheExorcist]

He's not a nasty shit he's a p[oor neglected child

My maternal instinct would be the opposite of yours, to embrace the child- under supervision obv, but frankly at 6 mine would be anyway (I know views vary on this).

If he's 7 and alone for 6 hours at a time btw can I ask why (or if) you haven't informed SS?

[PeaMcLean]

Sadly I don't think you can pick your DC's friends. All you can do is insist they play where you can supervise them. I have a similar situation and I just make sure DS doesn't go round to the other boy's house.

[mumhadenough]

Yeah fair enough, I do get your point and I have tried to let him use his judgement to come and tell me when K has asked him to do "bad stuff". Additionally I did also think that we have a nice family etc that I know he doesn't have.

BUT (and also why I can dislike a 7 year old!).

He has stolen from my home, despite me saying I can't prove it I know it was him.
He "smirks" in an evil sort of way.
I have tried my hardest to be nice to him and all I get off him is cheek and swearing.
He had a mop in his hand last week and asked my son (right in front of me) if he wanted his arsehole washed! .
He is constantly hitting ds and turning M away from him.

So yes, I do still feel sorry for him, but I don't want my son picking up that behaviour. Am I being unreasonable for that?

[unfitmother]

Poor lad, labelled as 'a nasty little shit'
YABU

[PeaMcLean]

I don't think it's unreasonable to dislike a 7 year old. I think "nasty little shit" is a bit extreme but I can well understand why you don't like him.

[mumhadenough]

DH and I discussed calling SS next time we've seen him round in our street from early afternoon until well past dark. I don't actually know where he lives but the next door neighbour does.

I did feel he was a poor wee soul and brought him in from out wandering about in the rain etc, but I feel I've given him a few chances to join in and try to be polite etc and I just don't think he's capable.

That sounds really shit and snobby doesn't it. I really didn't mean any of this to come out the way he has. I suppose I'm just like any other mum who doesn't want her child being influence by others in a negative way. DS is under assessment for adhd so there's quite a few social skills/boundaries that he doesn't get, he's having to try harder that most kids his age to learn them. I'm worried he'll think that the stuff K does is ok.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

Well then it is up to you to make sure he doesn't.

[ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe]

Well then it is up to you to make sure he doesn't.

[PuzzleRocks]

In wanting to protect your child and prevent him picking up bad habits, I do not think you are being unreasonable. I think the problem is that you mentioned he is from the "not so nice bit" which is leading people to assume snobbery is playing a large part. As someone who as a child was on the receiving end of snobbery from other parents, it was pretty distressing. (I was a very well behaved child incidentally). If he was from a nice home, do you think his behaviour would trouble you to the same degree? If it honestly would then I don't think you are being unreasonable, perhaps just a little overprotective but I totally appreciate that.

[Saturn74]

Well, if he hasn't got firm boundaries at home, then he's going to have developed some less than adorable traits.

It's not your responsibility to look after this little chap, of course it isn't.

So, if you don't want to welcome him into your 'world', you'll have to closely supervise your son, and not let this child play at your house.

But I do think that you should inform someone about the fact that he is allowed to wander the streets for hours on end - either SS or his school.

Because he's not your responsibility, but he's seven, and he needs to be protected.

I still think that a little kindness and some firm boundaries from you and your neighbours would do this child the world of good, though.

[mumhadenough]

Yes, his behaviour would trouble me if he was from a "nice home". I can see why the "not so nice bit" would annoy some folk, I wouldn't even have mentioned it but was meaning that I can see why he wants to come here to play as its so much nicer than where lives, iykwim.

My cousins live in the same street as him btw so its not as if I'm far removed from it.

[Saturn74]

"DH and I discussed calling SS next time we've seen him round in our street from early afternoon until well past dark. I don't actually know where he lives but the next door neighbour does".

But surely he knows where he lives?
I'd have walked him home, and asked the neighbour to accompany us, and I'd have spoken to his parents.

It's one thing to not want him in your home, but quite another to let a seven year old boy wander around on his own for hours.

It would be an excellent learning experience for your son to see you acting responsibly for another human being, irrespective of whether that human being behaves exactly as you would like.

[mumhadenough]

No I shouldn't have called him a "nasty little shit", thats just horrible isn't it? It was how I felt at the time of writing that though, after bringing DS in with yet another whacking off K.

Thank you for honest opinions. I will allow him to continue to play in the garden where I can see them and continue to go out and say when i think behaviour and or language is unacceptable. Perhaps it will sink in eventually.

DH doesn't want him anywhere near him, so i suppose thats my battle to deal with. I do try to be a bit more sympathetic towards him.

I will also raise my concerns about how he gets to wander the streets etc when I am next speaking to the headmistress. i've often commented that K could be knocked down/kidnapped or anything and no-one would be any the wiser!

[2shoesdrippingwithblood]

poor K
sorry you do sound a bit snobby in your op, but i don't think I would have wanted my ds to have a freind like that at that age.
If you don't want him there, just tell him to go away.

[pReachyTheExorcist]

'He "smirks" in an evil sort of way.'

[Twiglett]

MN high horse getting a bit overloaded isn't it?

Look

Everybody knows OP was mouthing off

Everybody also knows exactly what she means about a child who pushes boundaries, doesn't listen to adults, is rude and aggressive

And everybody knows the worry about letting your own child play with them

and yes at 7 they can be appallingly rude and push boundaries you don't want pushed

so I think it's a valid question

but your only choice is to not allow your child out to play when K is there

[hecAteTheirBrains]

Well, I wouldn't allow my children to play with someone I truly believed had stolen from me, who swore at me and was rude to me, who tried to encourage my children to do things that I did not want them to do...

At the end of the day, my first duty of care is to my children and I wouldn't do anything to cause any harm to them - and that includes bad influence - so that I could be seen as protector of the disadvantaged youth. "oh come in, let me mother you, you poor thing, while you abuse me and lead my kids astray" I think not.

If the child is wandering around all day - report that. As a concerned adult, you have a responsibility to do that, but you are under no obligation to disregard his behaviour and allow him into your life if that is not in the best interests of your child. What I would do, is say well, if M plays with K, and I will not have you playing with K, then you cannot play with M.

You can't choose their friends when they are older but you can bloody well choose them and control them at age 7!!!

And the reason it is important that you do have this control is that THIS is the age that you lay down the foundations. Right from wrong, good and bad - by the time they are teens, that ship has sailed and you just have to hope you did enough in the formative years to bring them through the terrible teens!

I realise this is not a popular view (certainly not on MN!!! )and I am likely to be called all the uncaring bitches under the sun but I am sure you want all opinions!

[Twiglett]

oh c'mon peachy .. I know a 7 year old who smirks in a horribly knowing way too .. immediately after lying to you, normally about whether he's stolen something from your child or not

[mumhadenough]

Preachy. I don't know where you get "pointless thread" from, I'm asking for advice and getting it. Very sorry, if I describe him as doing an "Evil Smirk" but that is what he does! Its horrible! usually just after he's belted lumps out of my son! Sorry, but I'm not backing down from that one, an evil smirk is an evil smirk!

[mumhadenough]

Yes I did want all opinions, thank you.

Just even more confused now as to what is best to do! I'm very torn between trying to do the "good" thing and the "best" thing.