to not want to wake DD (9 months) in the middle of the night just so we can all have a nice meal?

[jumpyjan]

Would really like some opinions as this is an issue that keeps coming up.

My 9 month old DD is very settled in her routine and as a result of which she goes to bed without any fuss at all at about 7 every night - in the early days she was a nighmare and we never thought we would get to the point where she did this and slept through till morning.

Some family want us to visit for Christmas but have said they are fully booked with other family and suggested we stay in a hotel. I have said to DH that I don't see the point in staying over (its close enough that we could just visit for the day) because we would all have to leave at 7 and put DD to bed in the hotel room and we would obviously have to stay in the hotel room too - so not much of a fun night. DH and the rest of the family are of the opinion that we should put DD to sleep in a room upstairs then wake her when we would want to leave (about 11pm) for our hotel room.

I don't want to do this as I would feel really mean waking her up like this and I think she would be very upset. Also it might take a while for her to settle in a strange room in the first place so it could be quite a stressful night for all of us.

I feel really fed up and a bit down because I feel that family keep being inconsiderate of the fact that we now have a baby and feel that noone gives us any support or consideration (i.e. an offer of accommodation if we are going to stay over, or an offer of babysitting once in a while, some understanding that we can't just jump in the car and drive for hours like we used to) and as a result we have to say no to everything.

Am I being too uptight about her routine to not want to wake her up like this? My suggestion is that we just go for lunch and leave in time to get DD home around bedtime. At the moment I actually feel like just not going at all as I feel totally fed up with all of them. AIBU?

[RubyShivers]

TBH, one night won't make much difference to her routine and all sleeping in one room for one night isn't such a big deal is it?
at 9 months babies are still portable enough to take out
much nicer to see all your family and let them spend some time with your DD?

[JodieG1]

YANBU imo, I would go home.

[RubyShivers]

just to reassure you, i have done this with DS a lot
we have to travel to see my parents so we often had to wake up DS to take him home
he always fell straight back to sleep in the car (that is if he even woke) and then we would put him in his cot when we got home
never bothered him

[bunnyhunny]

couldnt you get her all ready for bed, put her down (somewhere close by) at her normal bedtime , then just trasnport her straight into the bed when you get back to the hotel room?

I find that ds goes down at 7.30 really easily, so if we are out visiting, we will put him down in the car then, drive home, then put him in his cot when we get home. he doesnt even wake up.

[Jojay]

Your suggestion of going for lunch sounds a reasonable compromise.

But TBH, my DS is 10 months, and on several occasions we're put him to bed at other peoples' houses etc so we can have an evening out,and have taken him home at the end of the evening.

A few times he's hardly woken up as we've transferred him from cot to car to cot. Other times he has woken up but has settled back easily once in his own cot at home.

Could you do a trial run? Perhaps visit an understanding friend or relative, and put her to bed at their house and take her home later on, and see how it goes? You might be pleasantly surprised.

Finally, don't be too hard on your family - everyone has different views on what is acceptable when a child is involved. My dad can't understand why I'm not happy for my ds to sit in the pub with us all evening occasionally - he swears that's what he did with my brother and I, and doesn't see anything wrong with it. It's horses for courses I guess

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

Hi - I'm the same as you in that I want to protect DD's night as much as poss and I always feel very nervous when we 'so something different'. We have a few times gone over to friends for dinner and put her in a cot bed there (following the normal bedtime routine) and she's been absolutely fine. Then when it's time to go, we just gently rouse her (because it all goes wrong if we just pick her up!) and she wakes up properly as if it's morning etc BUT when we get back to ours (15 mins later or so), we give her more milk with lights off etc as per her normal routine and then tuck her in and she settles back to sleep straight away without any problem.

[LilBloodRedWantsGore]

DD is very like your DD and to be honest at nine months I was the same. DD is now 17 months and if it's an important occassion we do keep her up late. She has proved to be far more flexible than we gave her credit for.

Tell your husband that you will do what he wants this year, on the proviso that HE takes responsibility for her on the evening, including when you get back to the hotel. Maybe ask him to consider going home - you say it's close enough. Just say, well we'll go, see how she does and then when she's getting grumpy/upset, we'll come home.

You relax, have a glass of wine and let DH take the strain.

You may find that she wants to stay up rather than nap at someone elses house, as there'll be so much going on. We recently went to my parent's 50th wedding anniversary party and expected DD to only last until about 8.30-9pm. She was still going strong (although had just started to rub her eyes) when we left at 10.45pm! I was very proud of her.

[LilBloodRedWantsGore]

Agree with Putthatinyourpipe - save her bedtime milk until she is really going to bed. After my parents' party, we got home and DH gave DD her bedtime milk and she was in bed and fast asleep by 11.30pm.

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

We also take a fav bear or three so that the inside of her 'new' cot is familiar. We actually give her milk twice - for each time we 'put her to bed'!
The only trouble with putting her down for the night in the hotel room when you all go together, is that you rustling about and getting changed / flushing toilets etc might wake her up again and then she might have real trouble settling?

[RubyShivers]

lots of babies are heavier sleepers than you think
we had a week's holiday with DS and we all shared a room - no probs with DS waking ...
although he kept us awake with his snoring

[Caroline1852]

Just do it.

[jumpyjan]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

We have had a bad experience with all sharing a room together - actually it was the last time we went away so probably why we have not been since. DD does seem to be a light sleeper and she woke about every 2-3 hours every night of the holiday and it was really hard to get her to sleep after waking.

I guess also at the root of the problem is that holiday was a nightmare as we went with DH's family. I felt that DD's routine was constantly being questioned 'oh are you putting her back down for a nap already', 'are you sure she can't have a bit of bread or something' (she had not even started solids at that point)! With no help whatsoever offered the whole holiday! Sorry - turning into a general rant about DH's family.

Its just that they don't seem to understand that the reason DD is a happy baby is because I don't let her get overtired, or hungry etc and that in order for me to relax its better if she is in her routine.

Also like you say Number6 it does seem to have a knock on effect if we do anything different and we are in for bad nights for a week or so afterwards.

Lilblood - problem is I just can't. I do trust DH and everything its just that if DD is crying/not settling etc. I can't just sit there having a glass of wine, I have to go and try to settle her myself.

[kindersurprise]

If this is to be a one off, then I do not see that it is a problem. I would not want to do it every week but for a special occasion I would go for it.

When my PILs go out for a meal, they always want to go out at lunchtime and I always found that worse. Try having a nice meal with a baby and 2 yo, both just tired and wanting a sleep.

It is difficult when your family is inconsiderate of the changes in your life since you had DD, I get the feeling that bothers you almost more than the breaking of routine.

[Habbibu]

I do sympathise with the bad sleeper - amazed at all these children who barely wake from cot to car to cot. Mine snoozes for 5 mins and wakes up as refreshed as if she's had 8 hours sleep! How long has she been sleeping well? At some point you'll probably need to experiment to see if you can do something like this - whether that time is now is down to your own judgement. If I was doing it, I'd probably do a mini bedtime routine when I got her to bed - story, milk, blah blah, even if it was quite late. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[chocolatedot]

We have always moved our children around from cot / car / bed at various times and still do. I can't imagine being able to manage the travel we do or for that matter, our social life without the ability to do this.

[katierocket]

"I do sympathise with the bad sleeper - amazed at all these children who barely wake from cot to car to cot. Mine snoozes for 5 mins and wakes up as refreshed as if she's had 8 hours sleep!"

Ah, how true, how true. My two (6yr and 9months) will wake if you breath to heavily - literally. There is no way on earth you could transfer them from car seat to cot or the other way around. But I know some babies do....{sigh}

[LittleMissBloated]

Its a one off special accasion so i wouldnt feel bad about breaking her routine, you not being mean at all to your DD she probably wont even notice, take a blanket and her favorite teddy from her cot so she has something familiar in the hotel room
Ive done this with ds2 many times and he always settles straight back into his normal routine once we are back home
Its Christmas! go and enjoy yourself

[jumpyjan]

You are right Kindersurprise. TBH I feel very hurt by the way DH's family have carried on since DD has been born particularly MIL.

When I was pregnant they all made such a fuss and I thought MIL was going to be very hands on and involved, she was even there for the birth (which I regret now). But we basically disagree on how DD should be bought up. I also feel like DD is some sort of trophy grandchild to be photographed and talked about to friends but not actually visited that often or babysat ever. If we ever visit her with DD she wants to go off with her and show her off to her friends but never actually spends any quality time with her.

I just feel like its quite difficult at time being a first time mum, especially when noone else in the family has children and I thought I could count on them for some support and consideration but we just can't.

Hmmm I obviously have issues!

[LittleMissBloated]

just read you last post jumpyjan as must have x-posted, is it maybe your dh's family that are putting you off going and your using the routine/waking her up as a excuse? maybe to an extend?
sorry if that way of the mark? just that you had a bit of a rant about them

[themoon66]

A new slant on things here.....

If the people who have asked you over are all booked up with other family staying, can you not ask to do a swap with 'other family'?

Say the ones without LOs stay in the hotel? Which means you can put DD down at her normal time and eat downstairs with family.

IYSWIM

[jumpyjan]

Numbersix - we sound very likeminded. Because of DD's bedtime routine, once she is asleep I am confident that's it for the night and am now at a point where (if anyone ever offered to babysit!) we could go out for the evening. Have not tried it yet but if we put her down at someone elses house, provided we follow her bedtime routine, I think she would be ok too i.e. if DH's family offered us a room for the night I think that would work fine (better still if she had her own room but I am sure we could creep about for one night as we could get ready for bed in bathroom unlike hotel room where we would be more likely to disturb her). The problem for me is waking her and transporting her to a hotel.