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AIBU?

To wonder if

38 replies

Spandex · 21/05/2007 20:16

when a relative gives you hand-me-down clothes for your children, it's unreasonable for her to ask for them back when you've finished with them so that she can give them to the charity of her choice?

It could be years before I've finished with them and now I have to catalogue what she gave me?

OP posts:

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hana · 21/05/2007 20:17

just put a dot in the tags, maybe with a red marker? I have friends who do this, don't see the prob.

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LizaRose · 21/05/2007 20:19

That's unreasonable- if she's given them to you then they're yours to do as you want with. After they've been used by two sets of children, they probably won't be fit to be passed on again anyway!

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scatterbrain · 21/05/2007 20:21

I lent a friend a load of Boden & Gymboree baby clothes - I said at the time that I'd like them back when her dd had finished wearing them - anyway - I found out recently that she'd ebayed them ! I was very pissed off and will never lend her anything again !

The same girl - lent some maternity clothes to another friend who's dh dies suddenly when she was 3 mths preg - when that friend failed to return the clothes after her baby was born - my friend wrote her a stinky letter saying that she needed to send her a cheque for £100 as she had not returned the mat clothes.

Needless to say - I am no longer in close contact with this girl !

I think my personal view is that you should at least offer the clothes back to the lender befoer you eithet give them away or sell them on !

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dyzzidi · 21/05/2007 20:22

Hmm Whenever I am given any hand me downs i state I give all my DD's clothes to the charity shop at the local childrens hospital is it ok if i do that with these when I'm done. I am maybe preempting them asking for them back but they can hardly argue with a childrens charity.

Why not ask her which charity she woul dlike them to go to tell her you will organize it yourself that way you can add other things to it. Maybe she will be happy with that?

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Bouquetsofdynomite · 21/05/2007 20:24

Wish I'd thought of that before I gave away some of our handmedowns. Who would have thought someone would be so sentimental about baby clothes that had been through 4 babies, 2 of which not her own? Still feel rotten.

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fizzledizzle · 21/05/2007 20:26

think it a bit unreasonable. if you give something to someone you cant ask for it back later. whats wrong with you giving them to the charity of your choice?

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scatterbrain · 21/05/2007 20:27

I suppose it depends on whether the clothes have been LENT or GIVEN ! I certainly felt I had lent mine - but I have been given hand me downs that I have then put into the charity skip.

Perjaps we shoudl all check the nature of the act to avoid the problenms ?? ie. ask at the time !

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purpleturtle · 21/05/2007 20:30

I usually check. Maybe I have a particularly good memory, but I usually have a pretty good idea of what came from where - and we do have clothes proferred from lots of directions.

I always make clear whether I'm lending or giving.

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mistressmiggins · 21/05/2007 20:30

Im surprised at you being asked for them back

whenever Im given hand-me-downs, people usually say "give them to charity if you dont need them/dont fit"

I never give them back - I usually hand them onto someone else or if reached end of life, give them to charity

I guess its different lending people decent / designer stuff - I always get Tescos/next

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macmama73 · 21/05/2007 20:31

I normally arrange at the handover whether the clothes are to be given back or not. I don't normally want anything back, unless there is a particular thing that I am very sentimental about.
But then if I am likely to go all weepy about it, then I wouldnt pass it on in the first place.

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Hulababy · 21/05/2007 20:33

So long as you know upfront what is a loan and what is for keeps, I can't see the problem. Just label them in the clothes tags to help you remember.

If you don't think you can remember who gives you want, then just decline the offer of the loan.

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Hulababy · 21/05/2007 20:34

I assume people might lend them out as they plan to have another child (or know of someone) who would also get use out of them. They are just being kind offering to lend them out to yourself in the first place. They could just store them for themselves and leave them sat in the loft until they want to use them.

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scatterbrain · 21/05/2007 20:44

Yes - that's why I wanted mine back - expensive and hoping for another baby - although that's looking a bit forlorn now !

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kittyhas6 · 21/05/2007 20:50

No, not unreasonable. I've always catalogued everything handed down to me. I'm grateful to have been leant them at all.

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lizziemun · 21/05/2007 20:57

I lent some clothes to a friend, and as i am now pregnant again she was worried about the fact she had had to throw some away as they were stained. She asked if she could pay me for them, i told her she was being silly i didn't care about that.

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tigermoth · 21/05/2007 21:16

I think it's unreasonable for your relative to suddenly spring this on you, spandex. It's up to the giver to make it clear when they give clothes on what terms the clothing is given or loaned

Still, at least you'll know to check next time if you are given anything. I think it's a good precaution to ask at the outset.

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Spandex · 21/05/2007 21:24

These clothes aren't designer! We're talking Sainsbury's, Tescoid's, Adams, Mothercare. It doesn't really matter but I just can't be arsed to catalogue them. My life is busy enough!

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luciemule · 21/05/2007 21:24

bit off actually saying she wants them to give to her fave charity. Could understand if she wanted to give them to another friend or sister but why couldn't she just tell you what charity to give them to? perhaps she just wants them back but if it was me - I'd only give away stuff that I didn't mind not getting back.

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Rachmumoftwo · 21/05/2007 21:32

I find it a bit odd, either give or lend, but don't give and then say you want them back. My 2 DDs get a lot of stuff from a friend of mine. She knows if I don't use it, I will pass it on to a good home or charity. If something is precious, keep it, don't lend it. If something happens to it, as is quite possible when children are involved, it just causes upset and bad feeling.

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Flamesparrow · 21/05/2007 21:33

I only give away things I don't mind not getitng back, though some things I say "If it is in a state to come back then I'd quite like it" iyswim.

People who have given me clothes tell me at the time if they want them back or not.

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SpringBunny · 21/05/2007 22:08

My SIL has given me some lovely dresses that their middle dd has grown out of - nothing is ever said but I know which ones she wants back for the toddler when my dd has grown out of them.

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HonoriaGlossop · 21/05/2007 22:33

I can't imagine why you would bother to 'lend' hand-me-downs. They're a gift and people hand them on or give them to charity as they see fit. It seems bizarrely controlling to give hand-me-downs and then ask for them back so YOU can give them to charity.

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fransmom · 21/05/2007 22:42

i had a similar situation, though not with clothes it was with a pushchair. i had already been give the car seat to go with it (it was 3-in-1 jobbie) and then ended up being given the rest of the buggy i was tol at the time - you might as well have the pushchair you already have the carseat. to cut a v.long story short, it cost her a friendship ( it was the 3rd time she'd badly hurt me) and it blackened my name where i work as well as worsening my pnd.

if something is given, then there is no right on the giver's part to ask for the item to be returned. if, however, it was merely lent (and this is clear on both sides) and is lent only for a short time, i.e., for a few months (less than a year) then yes, the item should be given back. but if, as posted, that the items are hand-me-downs, then it is a bit more difficult.

it is a very good idea to sort things out at the time.

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Scotia · 22/05/2007 12:05

My friend gave a bag of baby clothes to another friend. The other friend then tried to SELL them back when the first got pregnant again. Bloomin cheek!

I lent a Fisher Price swing to a friend of my daughter when she had her baby. This was made clear at the time, it was expensive and I wanted to keep it, but I have never seen it again. I feel too embarrassed now to ask for it back.

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GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 22/05/2007 12:17

It does seem odd to want them back. I pass DD1's stuff on to my SIL for my nieces the eldest of whom is 15 months younger than my DD, and her sister is 3 yrs younger than her, so all 3 get wear out of the clothes. I will admit I only give her the nice stuff in excellent condition, and the rest gets sorted into charity shop or recycling, depending on the condition. I always say to SIL to do what she likes with anything that doesn't fit/she doesn't like etc and would never ask for anything back once it has been given. That just seems mean. It's a bit different if it's equipment like a pram or a cot - you can lend those things without giving them away, but clothing seems a bit petty.