AIBU to put myself first?

(47 Posts)
ellamoromou Fri 25-Nov-16 23:15:50

I'd really appreciate opinions on this as it's tearing me apart - literally! lol

To keep it as short as I can:

I'm a single parent with one son who I love the bones of. We're very close as since he was a baby it's only been me and him (with lots of input from parents who helped out a lot and which I'm so grateful for - he's extremely close to my parents).

So my dilemma is I've been with my partner for over 3 years now. I love him to bits and he loves me to bits. Problem is he lives in a different country sad He want's me to emigrate, get married and be together 'properly'. He's begged me lots of times to go across but I've always said no because I couldn't leave my family - i.e my son and parents.

My son is in his mid 20's now, good job, long term GF who he is buying a house with next year and as settled as someone his age can be.

But he's dead against me moving abroad and I'm torn. His argument is that he still lives at home so why not wait a couple of years and then go over - my partners argument is I'm tired of waiting and want to be with you more than a few weeks here and there. I've an ultimatum - either I put 'us' first or as much as he doesn't want it to - we're over.

Added to that I have fantastic job with a good pension so should I stay in UK? My partner is a businessman who earns 20x what I do so the possibility of him coming to UK is zero. There is no way that he'd be able to earn what he does there.

Oh heck I'm rambling now - so much for keeping it short lol - would really appreciate opinions

wysiwyg16 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:18:39

Your son is an adult with a life of his own. It's time you lived yours.

StealthPolarBear Fri 25-Nov-16 23:19:49

I assumed your son was a small child and was ready to shout NOOOO
but as it is smile do whatever you choose and nothing is irreversible. If you have a good job, what would you do over there? Could you set a date of maybe a year in the future to allow you to work through things?

harderandharder2breathe Fri 25-Nov-16 23:20:56

Do you think your son is trying to protect you? Has he met your dp? Do they get on?

Important to consider is do you speak the language of DPs country? What are your job prospects there? What would happen if you were to split up?

QueenMortificado Fri 25-Nov-16 23:21:00

Agree with wysiwyg

What country is your partner in?

WorraLiberty Fri 25-Nov-16 23:21:06

Well that's your son's argument and your boyfriend's argument, but what about your argument?

What do YOU really want deep down?

I'm sorry but I don't think the fact that your mid 20s son is still living in your home, is a good enough reason to put your life on hold like this.

He probably needs to stand on his own two feet, that way you can make a proper informed decision on your own.

luciole15 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:25:46

Why can't your partner move to where you live? I wouldn't sacrifice a good job and happy home life lightly.

luciole15 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:27:22

Sorry. Missed the bit about his job...

SheldonCRules Fri 25-Nov-16 23:30:14

Why do you have to do all the compromising? You have to leave you child and job simply because he earns more?

If he loved you he would find work here so that you didn't need to leave your son.

NapQueen Fri 25-Nov-16 23:33:26

Sounds like both the men in your life think you need to put them first when in reality you need to put yourself first.

It's not a good sign from either of them tbh.

What do you want? And I don't just mean of the two options.

ellamoromou Fri 25-Nov-16 23:34:03

Deep down if it wasn't for my son I'd have moved across months ago - without a doubt.

Work over there would be totally alien to what I do now but I don't doubt I could do it - I was across for a few weeks over the summer and it worked out ok

[Do you think your son is trying to protect you? Has he met your dp? Do they get on?]

I think he's protective rather than trying to protect me if that makes sense? They get on great - absolutley no issues and yes he's met him a few times

LassWiTheDelicateAir Fri 25-Nov-16 23:34:30

In what sense have you been with your partner for over 3 years if you live in different countries and both work?

I would not go unless (a) it was a country I could continue working in and maintain my financial independence or (b) If that were impossible I get a cast iron prenuptial marriage settlement.

The country itself would matter a lot too. As a UK citizen I would be thinking long and hard if it were not an EU country (and not even all of them) or somewhere like Canada or New Zealand. Sorry that probably sounds very xenophobic but I would not want to live in a country where religion dictates law and woman do not have equal rights.

WorraLiberty Fri 25-Nov-16 23:35:04

My son is in his mid 20's now, good job, long term GF who he is buying a house with next year and as settled as someone his age can be.

But he's dead against me moving abroad and I'm torn. His argument is that he still lives at home so why not wait a couple of years and then go over

See that ^^ is what bothers me.

It's not that your DS is saying he can't bear the thought of your moving abroad, it's that he seems to want you to wait a couple more years until presumably, he's able to buy his own home.

It's all a bit 'Me, Me, Me' isn't it?

luciole15 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:36:13

If that is the case, do you want to live where he does? If so, be very careful. Does he really earn that much? Does he really have a good career? If that is all genuine (and you really have to get solid proof), and you want to go, can your son live at yours? Do you own it? Don't part with it if so. Your boyfriend will have to make some serious promises about supporting you. You need to consider whether you could ever get your job back and retirement etc if you and your partner split up and then you want to move back home.

Think very carefully before you move for good if you go for it. Esp if you will be a long way from UK.

Or, you could throw caution to the wind. Could be the best thing you ever did. Have you met his friends? Family....?

UKcanuck Fri 25-Nov-16 23:40:56

Would your work let you take a leave of absence/sabbatical so you could explore the idea of living elsewhere for a bit longer than a holiday (eg six months or a year, maybe)? Agree with pps that your son's reasons for delaying your departure come across as a bit self-centred, but then if he's been used to it being just you and him then I guess it's not surprising he might feel a bit insecure at the thought of you not being there anymore.

LassWiTheDelicateAir Fri 25-Nov-16 23:44:26

my partners argument is I'm tired of waiting and want to be with you more than a few weeks here and there

I would not give up my family and career to go to live in another country with someone I only knew on that basis.

StripeyMonkey1 Fri 25-Nov-16 23:48:49

Your son is an adult and has a partner and a life of his own. Whilst of course you would miss him and this would and should be a factor in your decision I think it's a bit of a red herring.

The question here really is what do you want? Would you be happy leaving your job, friends and family to move to your partner's country? Would you be able to visit home regularly? Could you move back again and get another similar job if it didn't work out? Do you love your partner and are you prepared to take the risk?

ellamoromou Fri 25-Nov-16 23:49:45

*WorraLiberty Fri 25-Nov-16 23:35:04
My son is in his mid 20's now, good job, long term GF who he is buying a house with next year and as settled as someone his age can be.

But he's dead against me moving abroad and I'm torn. His argument is that he still lives at home so why not wait a couple of years and then go over

See that ^^ is what bothers me.

It's not that your DS is saying he can't bear the thought of your moving abroad, it's that he seems to want you to wait a couple more years until presumably, he's able to buy his own home.

It's all a bit 'Me, Me, Me' isn't it?*

you've found the nail on the head worra - even though I know he'll be gutted if I emigrate the fact he said, basically, #once I'm sorted then ok find to go# and then I think no way should I wait 2 years, and then i'm torn sad

WorraLiberty Fri 25-Nov-16 23:54:41

My eldest DS is also in his mid 20s OP.

I love bones of him too and if he wasn't living in his own rented flat, I'd happily have him living here and saving so he could buy his own place next year.

But having said that, if I was in your position I really think I would point out how lucky he's been up to this point, to be able to save enough to buy his own place and that as much as having to rent somewhere will set him back a couple of years, he really needs to do that and let me get on with my own life now.

If you don't make the break now, who's to say that in a couple of years you won't be needed for babysitting duties, or you'll feel even more torn at leaving a grandchild behind?

Butterymuffin Fri 25-Nov-16 23:57:19

I agree with Lass. How much time have you spent with your partner, actually physically in his company? And what rights and opportunities will you have in his country? I would be very wary of emigrating in your circumstances on the basis of a long distance relationship. Could you take a year's unpaid leave from your job, go out and have a trial run? You could get a lodger to share household expenses with your son.

Chewingthecrud Fri 25-Nov-16 23:58:01

I don't like that your DP is giving you a fixed ultimatum because HE wants you over there

He does appreciate I assume that a move to his country removes you from close contact with your parents, your son, your friends and changes your job and independence?
That is a huge ask from someone.

You haven't ever actually lived together so I'd be absolutely having a trial period before I moved myself permanently. But I'd be very reluctant in your shoes.

Flip it round. Say you gave him an ultimatum? His reason for not moving to the uk is because he earns more there. Does that really compete with your family? Money isn't everything.

Bloodybloodyheckers Sat 26-Nov-16 00:01:47

Where is the other country?

How long have you actually been with this partner in actual physical presence?

Are we talking US businessman or Nigerian billionaire? (Don't care if that sounds wrong!)

The thing is forget what your son at 20s does/doesn't want, think about if it's a sensible decision. If it is then go!

HeddaGarbled Sat 26-Nov-16 00:04:01

I would never give up a fantastic job, pension, financial independence and family for a man who threatens to dump me if I don't do what he says. Toooooo risky.

LassWiTheDelicateAir Sat 26-Nov-16 00:08:09

I've an ultimatum - either I put 'us' first or as much as he doesn't want it to - we're over

Agree with Hedda. I think I'd be saying, byee, it was fun while it lasted.

ellamoromou Sat 26-Nov-16 00:16:51

Bloodybloodyheckers Sat 26-Nov-16 00:01:47
Where is the other country?

How long have you actually been with this partner in actual physical presence? 3 years - been together from 2 weeks to 3 months

Are we talking US businessman or Nigerian billionaire? (Don't care if that sounds wrong!) haha! neither -sad

The thing is forget what your son at 20s does/doesn't want, think about if it's a sensible decision. If it is then go!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now