MIL has given some money towards the wedding. Can she invite guests?

(48 Posts)
Dingarees Tue 22-Nov-16 22:25:08

I'm getting married soon. My family are paying the lion's share, myself and DP are paying quite a bit and MIL has given us a small but generous amount as she doesn't have a lot so it's very kind. We didn't expect anything and are very grateful for this.

MIL and DP did "their side" of guest list together ages ago. Both sides of the family have an equal number of guests. MIL has invited a handful of her friends (not ours but DP knows them I haven't met some of them) and they were on the original list. That's fine my parents are doing the same.

MIL now keeps mentioning extra people she would like us to invite to the evening. It's he evening so not as costly but it still costs some money and I don't know these people at all, DP vaguely knows them but wouldn't ever think of inviting them.

MIL is very good to us but I want to draw the line and not have people at my wedding I have never set eyes on before. A few is fine but I'd like to limit it. I don't want to upset MIL and feel because she's contributed to the cost I'm not in a position to say no.

AIBU?

Cherrysoup Tue 22-Nov-16 22:29:38

I don't think she can 'buy' guests in, plus surely you're sorted with numbers already anyway (or at least you can say so!) Just keep telling her it's a shame you've already sorted the guest list/venue is at capacity/health and safety etc.

ConvincingLiar Tue 22-Nov-16 22:31:37

Get your future DH to deal with it. I don't think she's entitled to any extras. He needs to find a tactful way of saying no. Numbers? Friends/colleagues of yours that you've not been able to include.

MsVestibule Tue 22-Nov-16 22:31:51

How have you reacted when she mentioned the extra people she'd like to invite? Non-committal?

OVienna Tue 22-Nov-16 22:32:24

If it's just the evening do I'd probably let her. How many is she talking about?

QueenOfTheNaps Tue 22-Nov-16 22:33:49

If it was just the evening I would be tempted to say yes. She's obviously thrilled her DS has found someone to wed that she also wants to show off, its quite sweet really! Obviously there would have to be an upper limit but I'd also tempted to think of it this way: more guests, more gifts heh.

Lasvegas Tue 22-Nov-16 22:36:45

I think it's odd that MIL and indeed your parents are inviting their friends. Surely at their wedding they invite their friends and at your wedding you invite your friends.

My PIL paid for my wedding, but we chose all the guests.

Kangamum Tue 22-Nov-16 22:50:17

I am getting married soon and both sets of parents are contributing equally, neither was asked but offered and we are very grateful, my dad whom I adore has asked to invite his sisters, obviously my aunties, but I could walk past them on the street and not know who they are!! Never seen them since infancy, and step-mil who I have a great relationship with us asked for 4 of their friends to come whom I've met once, and they seem nice. I've politely but awkwardly said no to all. It's our wedding, and it's not about the money, but we have rather large families on both sides and day time guests are already difficult numbers wise and I don't want people who are practically strangers at the day when I've essentially 'bumped' people we see more often for them.I have said they are all welcome at night though as our numbers can be doubled then. I think it's your wedding day and you won't want to have to be reminded of who such and such is in a photo afterwards

No, I don't think you are being unreasonable as you don't know them and it is your day. You shouldn't do anything that if it bothers you now, it will only get worse as the wedding draws near.

My MIL gave us a very, very generous donation towards our wedding/honeymoon, but nothing was expected of it. However, I have a very large, close family, see my cousins every week etc and I very much wanted them there. My husband has a very small family and our side outnumbered theirs by about 4/1. So I asked her if there was anyone special who she would like to join her in celebrating the day. She picked two couples.

I know this doesn't mean anything really and I don't want to sound grubby but it was just one of those things you never forget, it kind of blew us away. One of these couples bought an item we put on our wedding list kind of as a half-joke, like we loved it but would never normally buy it as far too expensive (designer bedset). They bought this. First item off our list. Gobsmacked. If it had been a £5 item we wouldn't have cared as everything we got was treasured, but that just really shocked us.

DelphiniumBlue Tue 22-Nov-16 22:59:43

My view, for what it's worth, is that weddings are family occasions, and so if MIL wants family friends there ( maybe people who've seen DP grow up) then that's lovely and should be accommodated if possible. It's not unreasonable for MIL to want to celebrate her son's wedding with close friends present, and if the cost is not an issue, then the fact that you don't know them (yet) is not a good reason for excluding them.
Think of the extra goodwill coming your way!

woodhill Tue 22-Nov-16 22:59:59

I think it's fair enough for dps or ils to invite people to their dcs wedding especially if they are funding it. I invited some of my friends to dads.

woodhill Tue 22-Nov-16 23:00:23

I mean dds

19lottie82 Tue 22-Nov-16 23:09:19

to avoid any arguments and for a bit of damage limitation can you not spin a little white lie and say "MIL...... we were just looking over the number of guests and we are only 2 (or 4) away from capacity at the venue, would you like to invite another 2 (or 4) guests?"

That way she will get the message that the rafters are well and truly packed but also be chuffed as she got th impression that she got to choose the last guests?

BackforGood Tue 22-Nov-16 23:23:06

That's a great idea 19lottie82

I was going to say that it's nice to invite some family friends - but I see you've already done that, so no, I don't think she can keep adding to it. OTOH, if you are adding on a fiver for another plate of buffet, then it's not a lot in comparison to what the whole day is costing, so I think lottie's idea is great in that it says she can, but then that is it.

NotWeavingButDarning Tue 22-Nov-16 23:40:23

Hmm I know it's a bit of a pain but honestly I'd be inclined to say yes.

Good relations with your future MIL are worth their weight in gold and if the people she wants to invite don't really know you then there's a good chance most of them won't come anyway, I'd have thought? I'd hate to go to a stranger's wedding!

daisychain01 Wed 23-Nov-16 04:48:59

It's your wedding but if the only reason you don't want the extra guests is because you don't know them, then I'd say that isn't a strong enough reason not to extend the invitations your MIL has requested.

Believe me, on the day, and especially by the evening you really won't even notice the extra people, you'll have had a wonderful day and it all goes by in a hazy mist. And very very quickly.

In the nicest possible way, unclench a little, don't sweat the small stuff and let MIL have her extra friends along to the party

Waffles80 Wed 23-Nov-16 06:23:04

likebigbots - genuine question - "blow away" upset, or "touched"? Just can't read the tone (and sorry for being nosy).

luckylucky24 Wed 23-Nov-16 06:40:04

We had the same problem. FIL and his friends apparently always go to each others family weddings. We said no. End of.

Ilovenannyplum Wed 23-Nov-16 07:16:36

I'm getting married next month 5 weeks today shock and my mum and my MIL have asked to invite one couple each to the evening.
I have never met either of them but just said yes, I wouldn't be happy with any more than that though.

OP stick to your guns, if you don't want them, don't invite them!

What a PP said about telling her it's nearly full but asking her to choose the last 2 guests seems a good idea though

MrEBear Wed 23-Nov-16 07:53:12

Stick to your guns.

She is already inviting some friends and she will have lots of family there. You need to give a united front with DH over numbers.
I've ended up with exactly the same regrets as my father "folk at my wedding I'd never seen before and not seen since". Dad got talked into it by his parents I got it from my ILs. It might only be a few extra at night but its still extra people you have to say hello to and be introduced to.

Candlestickchick Wed 23-Nov-16 08:51:08

Are you having evening guests anyway? If so then I think let her have them along. I agree in the day it's nice to have people you know, but I think it matters far less in the evening. I would also say that while yes it is your and your fiancé's wedding, it is a special occasion for your MIL as well so if this will help her enjoy it that can only be a good thing.

Somerville Wed 23-Nov-16 09:09:01

For future reference (though hopefully you won't be getting married again smile) it is always best with gifts to check whether they come with strings at the point they're offered.

I'm getting married soon too - we've booked and paid for everything ourselves, and sent invitations from us and my children rather than my parents. But even so, both parents offered to pay for things and seemed keen.

For our own reasons we want to keep numbers very small and intimate so we declined - whilst remaining polite and grateful for the offer of course. Eventually both set of parents made clear that paying into our budget and then inviting friends wasn't their expectation and both came back to us offering to pay for a specific part of the wedding as a wedding present. Very sweet of them and on those terms, we accepted.

I'd sit down with her and discuss the fact that the money she gave you had already been assigned to pay for the flowers (or whatever) and also that you would like to keep numbers on each side equal and limit the amount of people you don't know. Show her the spreadsheet of guests and be prepared to compromise a little, especially if the numbers are higher on your side.

KookSpook Wed 23-Nov-16 09:11:09

No.

Tell her to renew her vows and have her own shindig. then gatecrash with all your friends

Boolovessulley Wed 23-Nov-16 09:18:49

My mum said to me 'he who pays the piper calls the tune'
Good advice.

We paid for our own wedding and invite who we wanted.

MaxPepsi Wed 23-Nov-16 09:24:11

It's an evening do. It won't cost anything to invite them. No one ever caters for full numbers at an evening do......not even the caterers!
We had people at our day and evening do that I didn't really know as they were friends of PIL. DH had been married before so it's not like they hadn't celebrated before. But they are important people to my PIL and I have therefore met them since. It's nice to have something to talk about!

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