To not invite her to dd's party after this.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

The dd's have had a really good friend on our road for the last year. Anyway to cut a long story short they had a falling out in August due to another girl stirring things and manipulating their friend. This really upset dd1 especially. With her friend being rude to her and deleting her on their little apps they play games on. Anyway, this girl was supposed to be inviting the dd's to her birthday party and but then they fell out so they obviously didn't get invited. The girl made a her party (at home) obvious to dd's. Dancing in front of the windows and outside etc to deliberately upset them. The girl made it obvious on party day trying to upset dds. Fast forward 3 months and just before dd's and another mutual friends birthday/party. (she fell out with mutual friend too at the same time)
The girl has decided she wants to be friends with them all again. And has just told dd that she's going to try to get her mum to get her invited to "mutual friends" party that has been arranged for ages. Which means she expects to now be invited to dd's. Both parties not pay per head or anything.
AIBU to think in no uncertain terms will we be inviting this girl to our party or are we going to look like arseholes. They're all 9 btw.

[TotallyOblivious]

Obviously I don't know the reason for the falling out but what the girl and her friends did sounds like usual petty childish behaviour... If they've made up I don't see no reason to exclude her (it might cause another argument). Kids don't tend to hold grudges and if your DD is friends with her again I think you should just grin and bare it...
(Sorry if I misunderstood)

[Ameliablue]

If your dd wants to be friends again, then invite her, if she doesn't then don't.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

No you haven't misunderstood at all. I know what you're mean. That's what I've been thinking too but I'm so conflicted. This "friend" lives opposite and hasn't spoken to them for 3 months, given them dirty looks etc. The dd's have tried to make friends so many times to be told no. And now she expects all that to be forgotten.

[Richardhun]

She just wants to be invited to the party 😞
I'd let her learn how mean she has been.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

You're a bit of a poet Richardhun that's where Im at at the minute. I hope she doesn't get a late invite to the other friends party otherwise we will look. It's tough luck as far as I'm concerned. I feel like I'm being childish but I was so angry and upset for the dd's. They're so forgiving and they need to learn that a friend like they'll really isn't a friend at all. They need to learn that no one should pick them up and throw them down whenever they feel like it.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

I am* argh damn phone

[baconandeggies]

The girl has decided she wants to be friends with them all again

But do your dds want to be friends with her? If they do, they should invite her, but you could have a chat about managing their future expectations of this girl!

[Okkitokkiunga]

My DD had a friend a bit like this. Blew hot and cold on her and basically used her. I got fed up of seeing her being hurt all the time so put my foot down. Told DD she was to be nice and polite at all times but this girl was no longer welcome in our home and I would not be accepting any more play invites etc. She has much nicer friends now.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

Yes Bacon they do want to be friends again. They have always been obsessed with her. Before the falling out it got to the stage of her being in our house constantly. Knocking as soon as we got home from school and not leaving until bedtime. Their school work suffered. All they wanted to do was be with her. That's why it upset them so much when she dumped them. She is no longer welcome in our house.

[LowDudgeon]

how does mutual friend's mum feel about her? have you discussed it?

I would exclude her this time (& hope other mum would too), hope she learns from it, & see how she behaves after that.

I have 2 DDs & they had some horribly manipulative friends when they were young. Drove me mad.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My dd is coming up 9 and some girls just do act like this. My dd has learnt to go and play with someone else and that the other persons behaviour is about them, not her. We talk a lot. She had a friend fall out with her for a while and didn't end up being invited to dds party as they weren't friends when the invites went out and there was a specific maximum number. They're friends again and have play dates. Dd learnt to see if the girl wanted to be friends again and if not, it was best to ignore her until she was ready to be friends again on the basis that her friend needed some time to get over their falling out when dd didn't. I think your dds need to learn this lesson as well. Going to the friend and being rejected and feeling dejected gives all the power to the other person, whereas looking it as them having the issue with themselves instead of others is a different way of looking at the same problem.

If your dds want to be friends with the little girl, I would invite her. Maybe she doesn't have a nice mummy or a mummy, who is able to explain all the things she needs to learn. I'd rather be kind than not. I'm friends with the other little girls mummy and she and I talked to her dd when she wasn't talking to my dd. The little girl wasn't being nasty, just struggling with growing up and difficult feelings she couldn't express.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I wouldn't invite her. I'd guess the little madam has only decided to be friends because she wants an invite to the party. At 9 she is old enough to learn the consequences of her shitty behaviour and your DDs can learn not to let people treat them like dirt and all is forgiven when they coming running back.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ah just seen the update. The obsession. Had this issue with dd too. Child dd had an obsession with turned on her too. Were besties but not anymore - orchestrated by parental interference no less and refused to play with dd for 6 months. Life lesson for dd. Mother of the child is pretty controlling and queen bee in the playground. She still got invited to parties and I did everything possible to steer dd towards other friends as the mother would no longer have playdates with dd and dd only wanted play dates with her It was grim. She was 5. Dd is an only child so we picked an activity everyday so playdates weren't an option and had a set day for weekly meets with a friend.

My only advice for this one would be to get your dds busy and meeting kids outside school. Dd did dancing, judo, riding and swimming plus meet with friend. I imagine this is far more difficult and costly with two.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Harry. I agree it is likely timed for the party. And I can't imagine she's a happy, balanced child with great parenting to be acting out like this to ops and other children. I do get where you're coming from.

I also forgot to say. Three years on and dd is FINALLY FINALLY no longer obsessed with said child and has decided not to invite her to her party next year as the child excluded her from her party - again. It was devastating the first time dd was excluded when she was 5. I do feel for your girls. Dd is 8 btw.

[baconandeggies]

Ahh... So she knows how much power she has over them. Well yes, in that case I think an executive decision is for the best. As long as your girls understand why.

[bangingmyheadoffabrickwall]

Personally I would be telling DDs, even at aged 9, that this girl only wants to be friends with them because she will feel excluded from their party if 'everyone else is going'. She doesn't sound like she wants to be friends for real and truthful reasons. I wouldn't want my daughters strung along and taken advantage of.
They may be 9, but 9 year olds know how to be manipulative.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

If I were you, I'd trust my better judgement, and see if she still wants to be friends, after the party !
She appears to have learned the art of manipulation.

[Strongmummy]

Does your daughter want her at her party ? If so, invite her. If not, don't. I would get so emotionally involved with the friendship groups of my kids. They change from day to day!!!

[EweAreHere]

She just wants to be invited to the party.

9 years old? Knows what she's doing.

I wouldn't invite her.

[LowDudgeon]

Nice kids are pretty good at understanding what's fair, aren't they? (Rather than tit-for-tat exclusions)

Tell yours that as she chose to exclude them from her party, & not only that but chose to make sure they knew they were excluded, it really wouldn't be fair for her to be invited to theirs now just because she wants to be. (After all, they wanted to go to hers.)

If she can prove to be a good & true friend, & stay friends until this time next year, that's different

[Strongmummy]

*wouldn't

[user1478450549]

Before the falling out it got to the stage of her being in our house constantly. Knocking as soon as we got home from school and not leaving until bedtime. Their school work suffered

You let 9 years olds just do as they want, have friends over whenever and how long they liked, even when their school work suffered? Why didn't you act like a parent and manage this relationship properly in the first place?

You seem over invested on the emotional side of this issue, and completely under performing in the practical side.

[LowDudgeon]

Strongmummy yes many friendships do change from day to day, that's true.

but unfortunately there are some children (usually girls ) who run rings round the others & play them for fools. This child sounds like one of those & it doesn't do any of them any favours to let her get away with it.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

Other mum has now invited the girl to her dd's party. She wants to give her one more chance.
The girl doesn't go to our school. We moved areas and dd's still go to school in old area.
Our party is at home so it's not just the case of not sending her an invitation.

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

user1478450549 - we moved to the area. It started off as occasional and grew out of control. It took us by surprise. She lives directly opposite so no way we could avoid her. We didn't realise the impact it had until they fell out and I saw the dd's flourish.