To think that actually my job is important too?

(62 Posts)
Imawishfulthinker Tue 25-Oct-16 11:18:59

DP runs his own business - self employed agricultural contractor which means he does all sorts, has sheep, fixes things for the local council then does things like hay making and stuff in the summer. He only ever takes time off when he has his son overnight and only if its raining - he very very rarely takes any time off to do anything with me. He works from around 7am-7/8pm in the winter and until about 9/10/11pm in the summer every day.

I work 9-5, go back and sort various animals (of his), go to his house around 7.30 (or he comes to me) and start tea and it's usually ready when he walks in, then if I am at his I will leave at 9 and then start work on my sideline business until around 11.30pm, go to bed, get back up at 6 repeat the cycle.
I don't work weekends in my 9-5 but this time of the year I usually have a stall at various events and then any spare time I get is back to my business or I help him as often as I can with his work.

Now I know I don't NEED to do the sideline business but I really enjoy doing it and hope to make it a full time business one day, I am also saving like mad so I can get out of the house I live in now (very expensive mistake - neighbours from hell etc)

Everytime I suggest we take a break, go somewhere, do something I'm always made to feel guilty because "I don't understand what's involved with running my own business, he cant just take time off as and when he pleases, there is always something that goes wrong, someone has broken down and needs help, sheep have escaped etc" so I let it go.
Whenever I say I'm tired I always get the response of how can you be tired when all you do is sit down all day and type on a keyboard, you're not out in all weathers doing a physically demanding job.
So when I say no but I come home and sort YOUR animals, its always "well it will benefit you in the long run" - now we don't live together, we don't have children together, we aren't married so in my eyes I think well that's all well and good as long as we do actually end up married/living together... As far as I can see it just benefits him at the moment because if we split up tomorrow am I going to start asking for payment for all the hours I've spent helping him with animals and things? No... Don't get me wrong he's not making me do his animals - I offer because I know he's very busy and I try to support him whenever I can and now it's just become a routine thing that I do for him everyday.

And then when I say that I go home at 9 and start working again he says that's my own fault, no one is making me do it and it's not really a "business" its a hobby, and I don't have to do it as I get paid every month whether I turn up for work or not, if I decide not to go into work one day because I'm ill then my wages get paid and his don't.

I'm always made to feel that because I don't run my own business then I should never feel tired or stressed and if I do then its my own fault because there's no reason I should feel stressed siting at a computer all day in a warm office and anything I do outside of work that makes me stressed is my own doing and that I should just stop doing it but he can't because he has to do it to make money.

I do appreciate that he has a demanding job and that he needs to make ends meet but I'm getting seriously pissed off with the comments about how my job isn't as "important" as his because he needs to work more hours to earn less money than me and that if I had to do his job every day I would never cope with it.

minipie Tue 25-Oct-16 11:24:00

YANBU at all. He needs to stop belittling what you do.

SpaceDinosaur Tue 25-Oct-16 11:25:50

Oh my goodness, what are you actually getting out of the relationship?

NapQueen Tue 25-Oct-16 11:26:26

I'd just stop doing as much for him tbh. He can sort his own house and animals out. If he wants to see you then he will make time.

Stop pandering to him.

DeusExDomina Tue 25-Oct-16 11:26:53

Run. He doesn't value you or your contributions and likely never will. He's going to continue working like this and if you live together, he would expect you to take care of everything domestic because he has to work so hard. Run far away and fast OP, he is a workaholic and will only get worse.

ElBandito Tue 25-Oct-16 11:28:52

Actually your job is more important, higher paying, presumably more job security. He sounds unreasonable.

Marynary Tue 25-Oct-16 11:30:57

Your relationship with him doesn't sound like much fun. He is never going to change so you need to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship as things are now. I think most people would run a mile...

Rainbowqueeen Tue 25-Oct-16 11:36:45

What Deus said

Yo u deserve someone who makes you feel appreciated and good about yourself not someone who takes without being willing to give

I would end it

flowers

littledrummergirl Tue 25-Oct-16 11:37:35

He sounds like someone a friend was engaged to. He wasn't available to see her every day as he worked long hours in agriculture. He had three women he was going between who lived up to three hours apart.

Your op put me in mind of him. My advice is to put yourself first and kick him into touch.

AyeAmarok Tue 25-Oct-16 11:38:17

He sounds like an entitled arsehole who thinks you should be grateful to skivvy round after him, making his life easier.

PerpendicularVincent Tue 25-Oct-16 11:40:55

He's annoying me and I'm not the one shagging him.

YANBU. It sounds like he doesn't value you at all.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 25-Oct-16 11:41:56

Oh god! I couldn't do this. He treats you terribly, this really is t normal behaviour whatever you do - do not have kids with this man. He doesn't respect you for a start!

Maxwellthecat Tue 25-Oct-16 11:43:11

Wait a moment because I think I must be misunderstanding this.

So you never see him? When you do he belittled you? He expects you to have his dinner on the table and look after his animals without a thanks? You're not married?

I can't possibly have that right do I?

Applecarts Tue 25-Oct-16 11:43:58

Agreed - what's in this for you? You're essentially providing free animal care (and I'm assuming these are on a smallholding or something, rather than you just nipping in to feed the cat and budgie, or something?) for someone who continually belittles what you do because you aren't self-omployed and your job isn't physically demanding. Unfortunately, I have seen this often with family members who married into a family farm where income from agricultural contracting and the like was needed to make ends meet - the men were essentially married to the farm, the women, often working themselves, were farm widows for part of the year and got stuck with disproportionate amounts of childcare and housework - it has resulted in a lot of unhappiness and one-sidedness. Obviously there are lots of farm marriages that work well, but those are generally pre-agreed and everyone knows the score, the people are committed to one another, and both partners stand to benefit economically from the business. You don't. I would think very carefully about your future in this relationship.

dailymaillazyjournos Tue 25-Oct-16 11:49:09

Sounds like he's 1950's man. He has the 'big important job' and has his dinner on the table when he finishes and his partner has her 'little job' that is totally unimportant and unecessary.

I'm sorry but that is just bullshit. What are you getting out of this relationship? Is he your best friend, do you have fun, do you support one another through the good times and bad, are you a team?

For starters i'd stop doing the animal care and having his dinner cooked. Doesnt sound like he appreciates what you do so let him do more of it himself.

Hellochicken Tue 25-Oct-16 11:51:07

He sounds stressed out with working excessively and earning less than you, maybe jealous of your working conditions.

Your job is important and doesnt mean it is easy. You have a busy life and would expect you to be tired at times. He is being unreasonable.

The thing that strikes me the most is how little he is accomodating you. Also not prioritising any free time with you. He may be busy/do long hours, but ultimately he is choosing. Could he not drop some hours and help you with your business in the evenings, the one you enjoy?

SapphireStrange Tue 25-Oct-16 11:52:07

Sounds like he's 1950's man. He has the 'big important job' and has his dinner on the table when he finishes and his partner has her 'little job' that is totally unimportant and unecessary.

I agree with this. He's a boor. He needs to step up. Stop looking after his fucking animals for a start.

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 25-Oct-16 11:53:19

He sounds a bit like my mum's DP. He does a physical self-employed job, but she works long hours teaching (12 hour days as she does tutoring after school). Whenever she has time off (eg summer holidays) he moans about her being lazy and not doing stuff, conveniently forgetting the fact that she pays all the bills because he's still paying off a (tiny) mortgage on his house that he doesn't live in. And she also does bits of work for him after she finishes work in the evenings, as well as all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I think some people (particularly men, sorry to generalise) will always see their work as more important and lack the ability (or willingness?) to understand the importance of their partner's role.

He really doesn't value you at all, does he? What do you get out of this relationship, because he seems to benefit from your presence but not vice versa.

FlyingElbows Tue 25-Oct-16 11:55:38

Working in farming is not a job it is a life. It's very difficult for non-farming people to understand that. If you want a relationship with a man involved in farming then you have to be on board 100% and probably working in something similar. Tbh at the moment you just sound like staff. Ofcourse your job is important and he's a dick for belittling you. It's one thing to commit to a relationship with a farmer and quite another to commit to a relationship with a dismissive dick.

Manumission Tue 25-Oct-16 11:55:56

He's annoying me and I'm not the one shagging him.

grin

So often the case on here hmm

OP support is either a two-way thing or someone is being a mug.

Applecarts Tue 25-Oct-16 11:58:23

He's a boor.

There's a phrase that isn't used enough! True, too, of the OP's other half.

OP, how on earth did things get to this point, where you are providing hot meals and animal care at his place on a daily basis, so that the only time you see him is when you're actually providing home services on his patch, while he waxes snide about your job rather than overflowing with gratitude that he doesn't get in from his Big Job and have to start cooking and looking after his own animals? When does he put himself out for you? And how long have you been together? I'm just trying to figure out how such a one-sided scenario emerged, and why you haven't ditched him ages ago, when the whole thing sounds so joyless. You sound as if you have three jobs.

Applecarts Tue 25-Oct-16 12:00:03

Working in farming is not a job it is a life. It's very difficult for non-farming people to understand that. If you want a relationship with a man involved in farming then you have to be on board 100% and probably working in something similar. Tbh at the moment you just sound like staff. Ofcourse your job is important and he's a dick for belittling you. It's one thing to commit to a relationship with a farmer and quite another to commit to a relationship with a dismissive dick.

Exactly, Both people fully committed to one another and to a life based around farming is one thing - the OP being unpaid staff, and being actively sneered at for her sedentary job by an ungrateful idiot, is quite another.

ThomasRichard Tue 25-Oct-16 12:01:40

I couldn't live with a relationship like this, sorry OP.

PoohBearsHole Tue 25-Oct-16 12:02:29

he's jealous, he doesn't value what you do, he's not really caring for you and i can't see what you get out of this? he's not a dear partner, he's not a partner! partner= your equal in all things relationship doesn't it? he's not doing his part of fulfilling that.

TheNaze73 Tue 25-Oct-16 12:05:17

Whilst I accept to a degree, that no one will fully understand what it takes to run a succesful business until they've done so themselves, he is actually royally taking the piss

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