Online dating. To find this a complete put off

(37 Posts)
emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 19:39:37

I've done a bit of online dating before I had my Son. I found most guys were lovely but there were always a few who were just after sex and nothing more. I'm not someone who would ever have sex outside of a committed relationship so I'm just not interested in meeting up with strangers for casual sex.

Normally it's really obvious when a guy is just after one thing and I can spot them a mile off before even meeting up.

This will be my first date after being single for two years since my Son was born and splitting from his Dad.

I've been chatting to a guy for a week now and we have been getting on well when speaking on the phone so decided to arrange a date for Monday at a wine bar we both like.

A few minutes ago he text me asking what I was upto. I explained that I was just watching tv. He then sent me a text asking if I needed any company and he could come to my house to keep me company and have a cuddle!

I'm a bit gutted really as this to me is the equivalent to 'netflix and chill' and is code for having sex. My male friends are gentleman and would never have asked a woman if she wanted to meet at his or her house on a first meeting! Am I being a bit too judgemental or am I right to think this shows his intention is just for a hook up?

I replied saying sorry I do not have strangers in my house and he replied, apologising and saying he was just joking. I doubt he was though.

I am a bit sceptical as sadly my friend using online dating but is a bit naive and often has guys over at her house when they ask to see her there. She often is sad and says she ended up having sex with them as she felt pressurised/ that it would make them be her boyfriend.

AIBU to no longer want to meet up for a date?

MrsHathaway Sat 22-Oct-16 19:42:19

Yeah, I'd be put off. It's a clear first rule of OLD that you always meet in public places to start with, so someone who even innocently proposes a home visit so early isn't respecting your personal safety and security.

JellyBelli Sat 22-Oct-16 19:45:33

YANBU. Its a shame that people cant be more upfront about what they really want.
If its any consolation I have three friends who met their long term partners online, so its not hopeless.

emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 19:46:23

Thank you. Yes I find it lacking in respect.

ICuntSeeYourPoint Sat 22-Oct-16 19:48:45

YANBU, it is a bit off-putting, as this is maybe how he sees you - an opportunity for a quick shag, and he hasn't even met you yet.

ladygracie Sat 22-Oct-16 19:49:44

I don't know. Totally see what you're saying but I think people sometimes just say really stupid, thoughtless things when chatting online. Things they just wouldn't say in real life. But if it really puts you off then don't feel that you should meet up with him.

emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 19:53:32

I'm not sure whether to give him a chance. It would be obvious on the date his intentions so I could go and see what happens. But don't feel like I can be bothered now!

ladygracie Sat 22-Oct-16 19:56:50

Well yes thats the thing isn't it. could you meet for a quick coffee on your way to something else so it's not a waste of time but you know either way?

emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:00:15

I suppose I could. I have remembered my last train back is at 9 so I would only have an hour with him anyway.

ladygracie Sat 22-Oct-16 20:19:49

That's defintely enough time to see what he's like.

Destinysdaughter Sat 22-Oct-16 20:22:26

I think it's clear that he just wants a shag and was trying it on. Personally I wouldn't bother with him. No decent bloke would suggest that. Sorry.

emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:29:44

Thats what I think destinysdaughter. I didn't want to think that but it seems so obvious.

SaucyJack Sat 22-Oct-16 20:31:04

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag.

You explained your boundaries, and he pulled back and apologised.

I'm not one to see anything disrespectful in the idea of grown adults wanting to do the squelchy tho.

debbs77 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:31:40

I've had that recently and I know what you mean!

We were actually meant to have our first date today. Due to meet at 12pm. He text at 11.50am saying he couldn't get there for 12 and was working til 1.30pm.

Yet yesterday he was saying he was due a delivery today and was hoping it would be delivered early enough.

Needless to say I told him not to bother any more!!

You know at 11.30am at least if you can't make it on time. Plus I'd arranged child care and everything! Really annoyed. I won't be putting myself back out there for a while xx

Pisssssedofff Sat 22-Oct-16 20:32:41

I agree I had one go really aggressive with me because I said no he couldn't come to the house after the kids had gone to bed, I mean what mother would go that ? I can't decide if the blokes are mental or if some women allow that sort of thing and are letting the rest of us down ?

emmeline25 Sat 22-Oct-16 20:42:05

I know many of my friends do. They just want a boyfriend desperately enough and think if they sleep with the guy they will get him as a boyfriend. I find it really sad.

He has apologised and said he would not have actually come to my house. It was just a poor attempt at flirting.

I will give him a chance and meet him for one hour tomorrow. I'm of the opinion that if he was only after sex he wouldn't want a date in a public place. So we shall see. I will know tomorrow anyway. He's not coming to my house though under any circumstance and if he turns the conversation sexual I will be out of there.

And yes, if a guy cancels or changes plans he's only after a hook up. A genuinely interested guy would at least make a proper re arrnagement and make every effort to go on the date.

Foslady Sat 22-Oct-16 21:20:04

Bloody OLD! So far I've had Mr Lives 60 miles away and doesn't have a car, Mr I'll tell you I'm 10 years older but actually it's 20, Mr I'm too busy to be boyfriend material but hey I'm having a great life, Mr Mysogernistic Racist and Mr No sense of humour but I can pick fun at you.......
Good luck OP - I give up........

SpermThroughASashWindow Sat 22-Oct-16 21:29:38

Sorry, but a man suggesting that on a Saturday night is just looking for sex. Why would you suggest cuddling someone you have never met?

honeyroar Sat 22-Oct-16 21:40:16

Hmm. My instinct says your instinct is right, but I guess that you can go and meet him for an hour, see what your instinct is face to face and make a final decision afterwards. It didn't sound like a clumsy attempt at flirting though.

hotdiggedy Sat 22-Oct-16 21:50:28

Sounds bleurgh to me. Did you not ring when you read his text??

hotdiggedy Sat 22-Oct-16 21:50:42

Cringe not ring!

JennyM9275 Sat 22-Oct-16 22:23:42

Online dating is so difficult! I completely understand your reticence. What has he been like in conversation up until now?

madmother1 Sat 22-Oct-16 22:33:38

I've just met a lovely man. We've been dating for a month now and we are perfect for each other. We haven't had sex yet though, but we are taking things slowly. I'm hoping next weekend we will wink . Keep plugging away girls.

Bluesrunthegame Sat 22-Oct-16 22:34:46

DP and I met internet dating and it's been six years now. So it can work. Don't give up, there are some nice people out there, but also trust your instincts.

We now have a long-distance relationship as he had to move overseas to find work, btw, not sure if this is relevant.

Pisssssedofff Sat 22-Oct-16 22:39:35

Really ? I keep meeting utter pschyos. I am going to write a book, it would be like the evil Bridget Jones !

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