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AIBU?

To be so bloody angry about this?

44 replies

Shodan · 17/10/2016 23:56

Maybe I am. I don't know.

My Dad died, 3 weeks ago. He had been ill with cancer since January; and before that, many heart problems which landed him in hospital since a year ago Christmas. The funeral was on Thursday just gone.

I have 4 brothers and one sister. Three of those brothers never visited Dad in the past 18 months. My sister visited about once a month; the other brother (brother number 2) once every few weeks, but stayed for a couple of days each time.

The lack of visits from two of the brothers didn't bother me so much (numbers 1 and 3)(one lives in Oz; the other has had no contact with Dad for many years and is a violent and unpleasant person.) But brother number 4- he lives an hour's drive away, has no children, owns a brand new car- and never visited. He also has a wife, who, tbh, we've all tried to like but really never taken to.

Now, of course, the vultures are circling. They're all putting in their dibs for Dad's stuff. Obviously, that's one part of what is making me angry.

What's really making me fume is my sister-in-law.

We are unable to email brother no. 4 without her seeing the email. She reads and replies to group emails concerning Dad. They share a mobile phone, so she reads texts. She doesn't work, so is always at home when we ring him.

She keeps proffering unwanted and unasked-for 'advice' on dealing with the estate (I and brother number 2 are the executors). And now brother number 4 is saying that both of them will come and help clear out Dad's flat.

I don't bloody want her there, picking through my Dad's things. I don't want her poking her nose in where it's not wanted. If she had had any kind of relationship with my Dad, it would be different. If she had had any kind of relationship with the rest of us, it would be different.

But she hasn't. She's made it quite clear that she dislikes us as a family.

I know I'm grieving- I had a much closer relationship with Dad than anyone else, partly because I visited him far more often- and emotions always run high at times like these. But I can't stop being angry with the pair of them.

OP posts:

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iminshock · 18/10/2016 00:00

I'd be the same.
My brother's wife - who I actually like a lot - butts in on stuff concerning our family. She doesn't work and they have a joint email account. When I phone him he puts the phone on speaker phone. I only found this out recently and made it clear how upset it made me.
I really hate it.

iminshock · 18/10/2016 00:02

Tell your brother you do NOT want anyone but immediate family going through your dads things.
That's a perfectly reasonable request

JellyBelli · 18/10/2016 00:02

Condolences for your loss.
Let her kick off, you cant stop her, but dont let her step foot in your Dads flat. Your brother has no right to get her involved, she is not an executor.
Can you get a solicitor to write him a letter and set some boundaries?

ilovelamp82 · 18/10/2016 00:05

Have you mentioned that you would like it to be just his kids. It would be very strange if she then insisted on coming.

MakeItRain · 18/10/2016 00:08

Say no.
Do they have a key? If not I would send a brief reply saying "I hope you understand but I am grieving for my dad and would like to sort through his effects myself. Please understand that I was very close to my dad, and find the thought of anyone he was not close to sorting through his personal items very upsetting."
You could add, "If there are any items of value relating to the will I will let you know".
People get very strange (greedy) around inheritances. They will probably mutter between themselves that you want to keep his valuables but just ignore them. They've made it very clear how little they thought of your dad by not visiting when he was alive and they have no right to rifle through his things now. I think legally, as executor, you're within your rights to refuse their "help".

edwinbear · 18/10/2016 00:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. No, YADNBU. This is a time for close family only. Do you actually want/need help? Can you just say as executors you will simply distribute in accordance with your dads will?

Shodan · 18/10/2016 00:10

I don't know Jelly. It may come to that.

I really, really don't want to damage my relationship with my brother. I always thought they were very happy together, which is why I swallowed my dislike of her, but he recently said that they have been having some problems. That may be colouring my viewpoint, I guess.

We all, as a family, have always felt that she has tried to separate him from the rest of us. They have no friends, no hobbies.

Dad called us all together a few weeks ago, and we were so happy to see our brother without his wife. We all spent two hours together. Then, when we left- she got out of their car. She had been there for the whole two hours. She greeted him as though he had been away for weeks- multiple kisses and cuddles. Kinda creepy, really.

I think I'll ask brother number two to have a word. If I say anything it's likely to get out of hand.

OP posts:

Shodan · 18/10/2016 00:13

Thank you so much for all your suggestions and condolences- I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge them before! I'm a bit ranty at the moment

Unfortunately they do have a key. Number two brother did send a group email saying that it should just be the brothers and sisters, but they ignored that. Unfortunately it looks like we'll have to be more direct.

It is good to know I'm not BU though

OP posts:

Inertia · 18/10/2016 00:24

You could perhaps take the view that as executors, you and brother 2 are legally required to take responsibility for distributing your dad's estate according to the will, and you need to be sure that nothing is removed without going through the correct process.

Does your dad's home perhaps need extra security now there is nobody living there- extra mortice locks on external doors, perhaps?

JellyBelli · 18/10/2016 00:28

If she has a key, change the locks. Sorry to be blunt but having seen how my family have behaved (make vultures look tame) dont assume anything is a step too far.

OlennasWimple · 18/10/2016 00:43

I like inertia's suggestions - very reasonable, and surely noone could object to them?

AbBanana · 18/10/2016 00:54

As executors, you really cannot allow anyone else to take anything from the property. Change the locks. Look up your legal responsibilities.

nicenewdusters · 18/10/2016 00:55

OP. You've lost your lovely dad, a loss made all the harder by the various divisions (if that's the right word) amongst your siblings.

Your SIL has absolutely no right to be involved in what's happening now. Even if she had been close to your dad, and all of you, it's not about her now, it's about your father's children.

I think you should be blunt with her. She's not worrying about your feelings. Change the locks on the front door. If you find she's been round with your brother you'll never move past it, and will probably fall out with both of them anyway.

She's showing little respect, forcing her unsolicited opinions upon you. If your brother is prepared to be walked all over then more fool him. But you don't have to be. I'd go so far as to not involve him in any further communications. When he realises he's out of the loop say you wish to speak to him in private. You can then tell him you are only willing to discuss matters relating to your dad with him, not her.

PP are right. These situations bring out the worst in people. Your SIL sounds horrible already, so doubt she'll act with any integrity or decency. You say if you say anything it's likely to get out of hand. I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. If you tell her to get lost, and your brother trails pathetically behind her, what sort of brother is he anyway.

RepentAtLeisure · 18/10/2016 02:06

Just go in as soon as you can, make arrangements outside of the group chat. Perhaps you could sort through sentimental stuff alone as a priority, then let her come in for the general household stuff?

Supertrooperloopthelooper · 18/10/2016 02:07

OP my dad's siblings and nephews and parents were fucking appalling after he died. He left everything to me and my siblings. They were furious and we found out from his neighbours that they day after he died they had rented a van to remove all the valuable stuff from the house before we got it. And his sister who was executer sold everything vastly under priced to spite us.
Don't under estimate how. Ike people can be in the aftermath of a death.
hope it isn't too terrible for you

Supertrooperloopthelooper · 18/10/2016 02:07

How VILE

RubbishMantra · 18/10/2016 03:31

"Does your dad's home perhaps need extra security now there is nobody living there- extra mortise locks on external doors, perhaps?"

^^THIS. You and siblings are his children. Not DB's wife. ddDF presumably didn't make her Executor of his will? So nothing to do with her. At. All.

e1y1 · 18/10/2016 03:32

Sorry for your loss .

Agree with super, I have personally seen this happen 3 times now in my DM's and DH's family. People really do circle like vultures when they think there is something to be had even though they didn't give a shit when they were alive.

I'd straight up tell her to fuck off and deal with the fallout, I appreciate not everyone would agree.

Shodan · 18/10/2016 08:01

Unfortunately I can't change the locks- Dad lived in a block of retirement flats. Up until the group visit, brother number 4 didn't have a key, but Dad gave him one that day. And that key not only opens Dad's front door, it opens the main door to the building. I would've loved to have changed the lock though...

Brother number two has made a few attempts to diplomatically remove SIL from the equation, but so far they've been ignored. I think maybe you're all right, and that I'll have to say something myself. Gah.

You know, out of all my immediate family, I thought it would be my mother and brother number one who would cause all the difficulties. I never imagined it would be brother number 4. I'm so disappointed in him

OP posts:

MaitlandGirl · 18/10/2016 08:14

Can you change the barrel on the front door (keep the old one) and just let the other executor have the key?

That way if SIL tries to get in she can only get into the main building, not the flat.

nicenewdusters · 18/10/2016 08:15

e1y1 says exactly what I originally typed in my post last night, but then deleted it. Thinking about it, telling SIL to fuck off is the most appropriate course of action.

Just reading about her has made me so mad on your behalf. If she does behave as she looks like she will, you'll look back and think how/why did she get away with that. Make sure it never happens. Just picture yourself as a family when you were growing up. Now think of her swanning in and acting as the creep she clearly is.

Tell her not to hit her arse on the door on the way out!

gabsdot · 18/10/2016 08:16

YADNBU
At times like these in-laws should not be included unless they were a carer or extreemly close and when all the siblings are in agreement.
Your SIL should not be included in anything to do with your fathers estate.
Poor you, this must be so difficult.

hellsbells99 · 18/10/2016 08:21

Can you contact your brother at work so your SIL will not be listening to your conversation? Sorry for your loss.

Stormwhale · 18/10/2016 08:28

How awful. What a nasty woman that she can't just back the fuck off and let you all deal with this in the way that is right for you. If anyone tried this while I was grieving, I would not be held responsible for my actions. How hurtful for you. So sorry for your loss op. Do what you have to do to make sure that this happens in the right way for you and your brothers.

Personally I would send a very clear message along the lines of:

"Only myself and my siblings will be going through dad's things. We are heartbroken at the moment and this is very hard for us all. I would ask that anyone who is not one of dad's children respects this decision. We are grieving at the moment and ask for compassion and understanding while we go through such a hard time. Thank you."

Ifounddory · 18/10/2016 08:32

People baffle me. The only time inlaws should be involved in this stuff is if it's for support and if everyone agrees. If there are 4 of you to clear out a flat that's overkill as it is.

I would suggest you go over as soon as you are able and remove anything sentimental or valuable and store it at your house.

Tell brother 2 so he is aware as the other executer.

Then go and do a full clear out with other 2 brothers. You will just have to "forget" to tell brother 4 unless you can find a way to message him without her seeing if she won't take a sledgehammer sized hint.

The only other option is to tell her straight you don't want her there and why (with the other 2 brothers as backup)

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