Dp wants to invite ex-crush to wedding...

(38 Posts)
Grumpybride Mon 10-Oct-16 19:33:24

Name changed as too identifying.

Been with DP 10 years. He works in an office of women and about 2 years ago (before we were engaged) he admitted that he'd developed a crush on one of the women he worked with. It was all dealt with at the time, nipped in the bud and she knew nothing of it - since then he has been promoted in the office and has distanced himself from the women as he is now their boss. He's more professional than 'matey' like he used to be.

Anyway, we are due to get married next year and I've said categorically that I'm not happy with his ex-crush being at the wedding. I want it to be the happiest day of my life and don't want to be reminded of a time when my DP and I had difficulties. We're now so much stronger. I have told DP to not invite any of the women from his office (like I said, he's not friends with them anyway so it would only be out of politeness) and just say we are restricted on numbers.

DP has agreed to this but now keeps making comments that it will be 'awkward' if nobody from the office comes and that the women will be pissed off that they aren't invited.

I've said no- if we invite one, then they all have to come, including the old crush. He seems to think it will make his life 'easier' in work if they're all invited.

AIBU to refuse to invite them? I just feel like the ex crush will taint the day. It WAS just a crush, not an affair, but I'm still not comfortable with her being there.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:37:32

Your feelings should be more important than the feelings of the women at his work!!
Tell him to invite who he likes but not to expect you to turn up!

Hubblebubble64 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:38:04

He made his decision and he chose you. Let her be there she has done nothing wrong, it is usual to invite a couple of work colleagues.

HereIAm20 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:39:07

Even if work people come surely it would be evening only invites. Personally I'd go with none if they are not actually friends.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 10-Oct-16 19:42:06

Do you feel she's still a threat? Your reaction seems out of proportion for a simple crush, if nothing happened, and he behaved appropriately. Does he still have some making up to do?

I think you should both be happy with anyone who is on the guest list, at the end of the day, but her inclusion shouldn't upset you if it's all in the past, and it is normal to invite some colleagues.

Maybe think about it? And if you're still dead against it, but you're sure you're healed enough to get married, he should accept that.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Mon 10-Oct-16 19:43:09

Then again, you're entitled to react however you'd like. Sorry if that doesn't come across! Just wanted to make sure all was well and you're not feeling that you have to go ahead.

SandyY2K Mon 10-Oct-16 19:43:51

YANBU. I wouldn't want her there either.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Mon 10-Oct-16 19:44:18

Sounds like he has already invited them TBH. He is crapping it now as he will have to un- invite them!

MothersGrim Mon 10-Oct-16 19:45:35

Actually I was going to say YABU but I reread. You were together for 8 years and your relationship nearly fell apart and he told you he had feelings for someone else. Presumably you worked through it and then you both decided to get married.

2 years ago isn't that long and I probably wouldn't want her there either if it caused such serious ructions. If it was just a brief fancy years ago then that's a different story.

But are you sure you're happy and not rushing into marriage?

Grumpybride Mon 10-Oct-16 19:46:20

Do you feel she's still a threat? Your reaction seems out of proportion for a simple crush, if nothing happened, and he behaved appropriately.

Not a threat, as such, I just want it to be a happy day and everytime I see her I'm reminded of it. I can't help that unfortunately and I don't want to feel that way on my wedding day. Maybe IABU to feel so strongly about a crush though?

mum2Bomg Mon 10-Oct-16 19:46:29

You should both be happy with anyone invited. Does he not understand why? Have you had a proper conversation about it? It's important that you're his priority for the wedding. We didn't invite any 'work people' as we probably won't know any of them 30yrs from now!

mum2Bomg Mon 10-Oct-16 19:47:08

It really wouldn't matter if she wasn't a crush but you just didn't want them to come!

Strawberry90 Mon 10-Oct-16 19:47:22

YANBU - ex love interests have no places at weddings!

mum2Bomg Mon 10-Oct-16 19:47:45

As in, it's your wedding and you're entitled to an opinion...

SandyY2K Mon 10-Oct-16 19:47:51

If he can't respect your feelings at this stage, I'd be pretty worried. Why would anyone want the woman their fiancé had what sounds like a major crush on at their wedding.

No. Just no.

MargaretCavendish Mon 10-Oct-16 19:48:01

Of course YANBU. Different couples will feel differently about this kind of thing (two of my ex-boyfriends were at our wedding and my husband had slept with one of my bridesmaids, so obviously we're on the liberal end of this stuff!), but he shouldn't think it's worth upsetting you in order to not 'piss off' some work acquaintances. If this was a very close friend of his then that would be different, but this is clearly going to really bother you but make relatively little difference to him.

Grumpybride Mon 10-Oct-16 19:48:17

But are you sure you're happy and not rushing into marriage?

Thanks Grim, it was difficult after 8 years. We are in a much better place now though and I'm sure about the marriage- I just want to look forward, not back.

VladmirsPoutine Mon 10-Oct-16 19:49:55

Love interest or not if you don't want someone at your wedding that's enough reason.

Dontpanicpyke Mon 10-Oct-16 19:53:19

No think it's weird and worrying really. He should be going out of his way to reassure you.

Grumpybride Mon 10-Oct-16 19:53:59

Thanks, it seems most think IANBU. I think I need to put my foot down on this matter, regardless of how 'awkward' it will be for him in work.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess Mon 10-Oct-16 20:09:58

Seriously, fuck that! No chance. It doesn't matter how 'akward' it might make things at work - he made things bloody akward for your relationship. He's lucky he's marrying you at all. This is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life and he wants to taint that to serve his office popularity? Nooooooooo....

Happybunny19 Mon 10-Oct-16 20:16:00

You are not being unreasonable at all, on the contrary I think you're reaction to his admitting the crush is particularly reasonable.

Laiste Mon 10-Oct-16 20:16:11

I'm just sitting here trying to imagine what my DH would have said if the roles were reversed in our case OP. (ie: if i'd have wanted to invite a bloke to our wedding, my feelings for whom in the not too distant past had nearly ended our relationship) ...

... and I can't do it. I honestly think my key board would catch fire and i'm pretty sure there'd be no wedding!

YA sooooooo NBU

DixieWishbone Mon 10-Oct-16 20:19:42

Taking a slightly different line - just the fact that he is the boss would put me off inviting people from work. Presents are kind of expected from guests at weddings and I wouldn't be happy putting an employee in a situation where they feel they have to buy their boss a present. It's just awkward and tacky.

Weddings are a family affair, not a work event. If he wants to socialize with colleagues, do a real department party don't invite them to his family celebrations. Is he supposed to invite them to Christenings and birthday parties too?

John4703 Mon 10-Oct-16 20:23:41

When we got married 12 years ago I put a small notice up on the staff notice board inviting everyone to our wedding and to the evening, the meal was strictly family. I think about 30 from my work turned up for the ceremony and about the same for the evening. No problem at work as everyone was invited.

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