'Daddy was shouting at Granny'

(43 Posts)
Fatbridesmaid Mon 26-Sep-16 09:58:34

DS is 3. STBXH was emotionally and physically abusive.

He's angry, aggressive, and total arsehole.

Have recently reduced contact and said that it needs to be at his mums house (4 hours on a Sunday).

He has been abusive to me on doorstep in front of DS, we now do supervised handovers.

This weekend DS came home very upset and said daddy was shouting at Granny, was very cross, very unkind, granny was sad,

I'm bloody sick of this. He just cannot emotionally safeguard DS and I can't think of any way forward without literally going through a contact centre!

I have suggested mediation, he's still digging his heels in.

I hate sending my baby into this situation.
WIBU to say until he has completed a perpetrators course/parenting course, he needs to go through a contAct centre? This happens regularly!

Lovewineandchocs Mon 26-Sep-16 10:01:20

He sounds delightful! Is there a court order in place? Not good at all for your DS to witness that behaviour sad

Fatbridesmaid Mon 26-Sep-16 10:02:37

No court order yet! That will come after I can get the wanker to mediation if he's that bothered!!

Lovewineandchocs Mon 26-Sep-16 10:03:00

I think a course and contact centre would be the way to go, definitely. Your poor MIL.

Squeegle Mon 26-Sep-16 10:03:58

Can your MIL help and support you to get the contact centr organised,

Fatbridesmaid Mon 26-Sep-16 10:10:27

MIL doesn't seem to quite understand the implications of all this, spoke to her about it today, it's so normalised in that family.

She says she hates it though and can't understand why he is so horrible!

ollieplimsoles Mon 26-Sep-16 10:14:54

Id stop contact on the grounds of his anger problem.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree Mon 26-Sep-16 10:32:27

I'd stop contact too. This is damaging for your child. Let him apply for contact, if he wants, and fight it in court.

Write down exactly what your 3yr old told you and keep it as a record. Also document the domestic abuse you suffered.

GDarling Mon 26-Sep-16 10:33:42

Go chat to someone in authority, this could scar your DS, also anger rubs off onto children if it becomes the norm, I would do something now.

t4nut Mon 26-Sep-16 10:39:00

Stop contact until he agrees to mediation or gets a court order.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 26-Sep-16 10:39:31

Mediation is a wasted effort with such a man and is not recommended for cases of abuse. Even if he does show up to a session, he will simply use mediation as a further stick to beat you, and in turn your son, with.

Such men like this one hate women, all of them. A perpatrators course will have little to no effect on him, this is deeply rooted within his own psyche and abuse seems to have been normalised within his own family.

I would stop all handovers as of now, this action is damaging to your son and to you. He can still control you by seeing you at all directly. Document all of this and your son's comments via the court system.

BadTasteFlump Mon 26-Sep-16 10:41:12

Stop contact and wait for him to take you to Court, where you can lay down some rules. You have good grounds to do so as what he's doing is emotional abuse. Don't feel guilty - it is not in the best interests of your child to see his father if he is abusive, either to him or around him.

As others have said, document everything. If it gets to Court go for a Contact Centre, and in your situation I would also push for him to have to attend anger management or DV perpetrator's counselling. TBH I would forget mediation - it doesn't work when one of the partners has been abusive - this is recognised now by the professions involved and shouldn't be suggested by them in those cases.

flowers to you OP. I know how hard this situation can be to get through, but you will.

BadTasteFlump Mon 26-Sep-16 10:42:01

X-posted with Attila smile

PacificDogwod Mon 26-Sep-16 10:43:38

How awful!

Stop contact until he's done a course AND then all contact is in a contact centre.

Imagine going through life feeling angry like that all the time sad
You don't want you DS to see this behaviour modelled as 'normal' too often.

PacificDogwod Mon 26-Sep-16 10:44:46

Ah. Better informed posts - ignore me.
thanks

GingerbreadLatteToGo Mon 26-Sep-16 10:55:46

Word for word what badtasteflump said.

Enough is enough.

IF DS asks about seeing Daddy I'd tell DS that Daddy is 'busy' - please don't tell him Daddy shouting at Granny was wrong & he isn't allowed to see him. He's too little to understand & will think he caused it by telling you what happened.

BadTasteFlump Mon 26-Sep-16 10:57:40

Also meant to say - not all Contact Centres are equal - so don't pin all your hopes (and fears) on them without doing your research.

A contact centre can mean all things, from one to one supervision with professions in a secure setting, to a village hall with open doors back and front with volunteers from the local Church who mean well but have absolutely no physical or legal control over anything that happens there - which is fine for some who just need a neutral hand-over place, but no so for somebody who has genuine concerns for her child's safety.

BadTasteFlump Mon 26-Sep-16 10:58:09

Sorry just realised how long that sentence was grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad Mon 26-Sep-16 11:14:16

I agree with going for a court order; but don't expect any back-up from your MIL in regard to your stbexh's temper outbursts at hers. I'm not sure mediation is a good idea - isn't it NOT recommended in abuse situations?

I totally agree that you should try to find a different way forward for your DS though - it can't be good for him to be in that situation sad

george1020 Mon 26-Sep-16 11:35:28

Document everything! I'm sure you already are, see if MIL will write a statement of what happened.
Date and time everything and keep anything and everything no matter how small written in a crap shithead ex has done diary.

Stop all contact.

Seak legal advice, women's aid may be able to give you more legal pointers. You may need to start legal proceedings before/instead of mediation if that's possible.

Lweji Mon 26-Sep-16 11:38:16

I agree with a contact centre.

As for court, if you can't agree on mediation, go straight to court. Or, better still, sit tight and let him go to court if he wants contact.

Fatbridesmaid Mon 26-Sep-16 13:34:56

Thanks.
I'm going to think of how best to word my message to him!

Lovewineandchocs Mon 26-Sep-16 13:59:19

I would keep it very factual, something like "Dear STBXH, it has become apparent that the current contact arrangements are not working in the best interests of DS. As his welfare is paramount, I think it's best to call an end to our informal arrangement for the moment and sort out future contact through official channels." Then document everything. Are you in the middle of divorce proceedings?

BadTasteFlump Mon 26-Sep-16 13:59:32

Fat obviously you know him best, but if you think there's any chance of fallout heading in your direction from tell him your plans, I would not contact him directly.

Although there have been huge cuts in Legal Aid, you are still entitled to help with legal representation if you can show that he has been abusive - so it may be worth calling a local solicitor or CAB for further advice. You don't have to deal with all this on your own flowers

Fatbridesmaid Mon 26-Sep-16 21:06:21

I text him telling him what DS said asking for an explanation.

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