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AIBU?

To expect more?

30 replies

Chellykins · 21/09/2016 21:39

My other half can be unimaginably lazy at home and I'm getting to the point of packing his bags.

Give him his due he works damn hard 50+ hours a week but when he is home he does NOTHING! And I mean absolutely jack shit.

We had a baby 6 weeks ago and he has changed 3 nappies, hasn't bathed him or dressed him once ffs he has held him 20 times max and always has an excuse why. Main one being that he smokes "I've just had a ciggie, I can't hold him yet..."

I was washing up after making dinner the other day and the baby cried. He brought him in because he couldn't settle him "I don't know what to do with him" he said!

All through my pregnancy I still did everything as always. The only things I asked of him was to keep the yard clean (we have a dog) and clean the cat's litter tray every few days. The midwife stressed I shouldn't be doing this and I honestly didn't think it was too much to ask for. But he would leave both for well over a week and I would end up flipping out and doing it myself. I'd get so frustrated I would be close to tears and still he didn't think it was a problem.

He never cooks, never cleans and leaves me to sort our 2 children alone.

I remember now why I didn't want anymore children after our first 6 years ago. I once came home from work to find my eldest (8 months at the time) sucking on a piece of plaster while he played on the PlayStation with his friend!

He has this ability to make me feel like I'm over reacting and I end up feeling guilty because he works his ass off at work. Then on the other hand I'm up throughout the night breastfeeding, walk 2 hours a day for the school run, keep the house in order, keep them fed and in clean clothes and everything else in between!

This week for example he has booked 4 days off work for a fricking game but couldn't for registering the baby, I had to go alone and leave father's name blank . He told me he would take our oldest to school each morning giving me a bit of extra time in bed (even though the baby wakes at 5 every morning) and spend time on his game. He spent 18 hours on there yesterday and he is still playing after getting online for 9.30am this morning. "Are you getting him ready for school tomorrow then?" He said. My jaw nearly hit the floor.

I love this man with all my heart but for the sake of my sanity something needs to change and fast!

11 years we have been together and I'm loosing hope of things ever being better.

AIBU? My apologies of it is a bit rambly but my frustration is pouring out right now

OP posts:

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LindyHemming · 21/09/2016 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ecuse · 21/09/2016 21:44

WHY do you love him with all your heart? It sounds like he gives no shits about you.

WordGetsAround · 21/09/2016 21:46

if you've been with him 11 years, why do you expect him to change now?

Chellykins · 21/09/2016 21:48

When it is good it is really good but the light at the end of the tunnel is really fucking dim right now

OP posts:

couldntlovethebearmore · 21/09/2016 21:53

What a wanker. I'm too appalled to find anything else to say. The not being able to find time to register baby would be a deal breaker for me.
Still in years to come I feel you will be most grateful the sack of shits name is not on little ones birth certificate

Domino20 · 21/09/2016 21:57

Wow, that could be my ex you are describing. Personally I am too volatile to live with someone like that as the arguments were CONSTANT. I don't have advice as I ended the relationship and we are completely non contact. It's much easier on me and my son that way. Deep sympathies to you, I know how shit it feels with a 6 week old, no help and an adult taking the piss and making life harder.

ayeokthen · 21/09/2016 21:58

What do you mean a game? A video game?

Evilstepmum01 · 21/09/2016 22:00

I would expect you to expect better for yourself and your DC. Wtf are you doing with a waster like that?
Did his ignoring your first DC not give you a clue? Or, after 11 years, are you conditioned to accept his shit treatment of you and your kids?

Until you find your self-respect and get his immature arse out of your lives, expect more indifference. If you allow it, nothing will change.

wannabestressfree · 21/09/2016 22:06

Cut the plug off the console.... He is a grown man.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/09/2016 22:09

Why do you love him so much? He clearly doesn't love you. Or respect you. Or even like you very much.

Chellykins · 21/09/2016 22:11

To be honest the thought of being alone cripples me with fear and I'm useless in an argument. I end up feeling like I'm nagging.

OP posts:

RootTeeToot · 21/09/2016 22:17

You are alone though really. He's totally checked out. This is not what other people's relationships are like.

ayeokthen · 21/09/2016 22:22

Believe me, being on your own is a million miles better than being someone's cook/cleaner/verbal punchbag/maid. You deserve better!

Fortunatepiggy · 21/09/2016 22:35

Is he addicted to gaming? My Dh is a gamer but only plays after our ds is in bed and if we are not doing something together. I do think it is easy to get addicted to though. He too has booked days off this week because a new game has been launched and he wants to get to a certain level to raid on Friday night with his friends. I don't get it at all! It also annoys me that he is wasting time playing this game when stuff needs doing like cutting the grass but I have to remind myself that I take time off to do things that I enjoy too like having my hair done or having a pedicure and this is something he enjoys But my situation is v diff to yours OP he should be pulling his weight with a 6 week old baby!

Evilstepmum01 · 21/09/2016 22:35

Whats to argue about? He's too busy living his own selfish life.

You're afraid of being alone? You already are. You have your kids, you'll never be completely alone.

Find some balls and LTB. You deserve way, way better. More importantly, your kids deserve a father who cares more about them than an effing game.

Pack his bags. Now.

expatinscotland · 21/09/2016 22:42

YABU. You know exactly what he was like and how he'll continue to be. He doesn't care a thing about you or his kids. He didn't even take time out from a fucking game to register his own child. W.T.A.F?

MidniteScribbler · 22/09/2016 03:50

I hope he's good in bed, because he doesn't seem to have any other redeeming qualities. Why on earth would you procreate with someone like this?

I have no more sympathy left for women who spend years with a twerp, continue to have children with them, then whinge that they don't pull their weight. You've had 11 years with this idiot, you didn't have to have children with him, and you don't need to live your life like this. You are choosing to. So make a new choice - either leave, or put up with it.

TwigletsMakeMeViolent · 22/09/2016 04:04

He chose to take time off for a video game but not to register his baby.

Oysterbabe · 22/09/2016 07:20

Fuck that. I'd have hit the roof about him not coming with you to register the birth. Isn't he upset at the blank space where the father should be?
So you aren't married. Do you work? Whose name is the house in?

Superstar90 · 22/09/2016 07:31

He's acting like a b op - although you already know this. No it's not unreasonable to expect more and you should.
Youvd asked him to help and made clear what you expect and he's still not doing it. Is there anyway you can make him pay if he doesn't pull his weight? He needs to start feeling consequences for his actions as at the moment he's getting away with blue murder. Have serious words and if that doesn't work move out to your mums or a friends with the kids for a few days - that way you get extra help and he gets a taste of life without you all.
You must be fed up - your baba is v little still.

Superstar90 · 22/09/2016 07:32

Ps if you aren't married and his name isn't on the birth certificate I'm not sure he'd had a lot of rights over your baby if you did leave! You might gently remind him of this

Rachcakes · 22/09/2016 07:35

I broke up with my children's dad when my youngest was five weeks old. Same reasons.
My kids are 14 and 10 now. I'm married, and respected. It was tough at first but we managed and I'm really proud of the life I made for us.
It's up to you but being on your own has its merits.

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MrsCaecilius · 22/09/2016 09:06

Why did you leave his name off the birth certificate? Sounds like part of you is preparing to leave him if that is the case?

Oysterbabe · 22/09/2016 09:12

Unless you're married you can't put someone on the birth certificate who isn't present.

RortyCrankle · 22/09/2016 13:23

MidniteScribbler
I hope he's good in bed, because he doesn't seem to have any other redeeming qualities. Why on earth would you procreate with someone like this?

I have no more sympathy left for women who spend years with a twerp, continue to have children with them, then whinge that they don't pull their weight. You've had 11 years with this idiot, you didn't have to have children with him, and you don't need to live your life like this. You are choosing to. So make a new choice - either leave, or put up with it.

A thousand times This .

Unless he has suddenly morphed from being a functioning adult to a useless lump overnight (which judging from your OP is not the case), why complain now? I just cannot understand why women put up with this crap for years. Getting him to change now is going to be almost impossible.

What the hell is lovable about an adult who behaves in such a pathetic way? I can't think of a bigger turn off quite frankly.

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