Aibu to think ex partners new gf is a b***h

(33 Posts)
Queenie3 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:16:31

me and ex partner broke up four years ago we have a ds who is 8 together. in this time I have met new dp and had another ds, he has had many of girlfriends and currently has a new girlfriend of about 2 months, he used to see ds one day every weekend unless he had other plans and sometimes overnight maybe once every two months we've always been flexible as he used to work away and I also like to take ds on days out. so ds has met this new gf and says she just don't speak to him, doesn't answer him unless he's dad is right there. Every week for the first 3 weeks he came back saying the same I always have the same reply you have to make an effort for daddy's sake maybe she is shy. She has a dd of her own who lives with her dad so is only sometimes there and he says she will play with her and not him, I say why don't you ask her if you can join in. When he drops him back she will get out of the car and lean against it watching, one time ds brought he's electric scooter so I walked to the boot with them to carry it in she was in the passenger seat and leant right through the middle to watch the whole time. After the first 3 weeks of every week he didnt see ds for 3 weeks as he says he has prior arrangements then he was due to go this Friday however ex partner rang late to say he was finishing late could he get him Saturday instead, no problem I said. So Friday evening ds has decided to be lippy I send him to bed and take away he's laptop for the weekend, I text he's dad to say just a heads up he's had an attitude tonight so he won't be bringing he's laptop tomorrow he's on a ban. Ex partner calls me up (drunk) and says let me speak to him to sort him out, I said it's not a problem now he's in bed he knows he has no laptop tomorrow, whilst saying this in the background is he's gf shouting "sort him out sort him out" and the rest I couldn't hear so I come off the phone swiftly. So today ds has come back from spending the night at he's dads and says he doesn't want to go again if she is there, supposedly they stayed at hers when they got back from a day out all together he was sent to bed and told not to leave the room under no circumstances and he couldn't call me to say goodnight, the whole time she never spoke to him again. They were drinking and he generally was scared because he'd never been there before. Now I don't see what her problem could be but it's a very tricky situation if I bring it up to ex partner I could come across as trying to cause trouble however ds just doesn't want to go again, he's never had a problem with any other of he's dads ex girlfriends so I really can't see it being him feeling a little jealous. Plus I'm not impressed with her shouting out down the phone but what can I say to ex partner?

hotdiggedy Sun 24-Jul-16 23:20:29

I would be telling him exactly what the problem is and not sending your son there again. simple. She sounds horrible and it isn't worth the risk. Why is her daughter not living with her?

VioletBam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:20:44

There are BIG red flags here. DO NOT send him back there. SHe sounds like an absolute COW angry

Tell the ex partner that you are not sending him back to his Dad's with her around because DS says she's mean and awful and he doesn't want to.

He will probably kick off. But tough. DS health and happiness is more important.

Do you and ex have a court ordered arrangement or is this something you've worked out between yourselves in terms of access?

blondieblondie Sun 24-Jul-16 23:28:08

Please don't let him go again. You can't be seen as causing trouble if this is the first GF you've had a problem with. 2 months is too soon to be meeting a new GF and all spending the night together anyway. Your son is the the priority. She IS a bitch and your ex sounds quite the prick as well! Your DS needs to know you take on board his feelings and put those before anything else. His dad certainly doesn't. I know what it's like not to want to rock the boat and be seen as causing trouble for the sake of it, but it sounds very justified in this case:

VioletBam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:33:41

Taking a child somewhere new and then not letting him out of the bedroom to even call his Mother is shit. It's very bad. A child of 8 still needs reassurance in new situations.

Idontknowwhoiam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:34:52

I'd be most concerned that her own child doesn't live with her.... there may be many genuine reasons but on the whole the kids are usually with their mother.
Can you request information to make sure she's safe for your son to be around? Isn't there a way to do that now?
If your son doesn't want to, I certainly wouldn't make him and I'd probably tell his dad why too.

MadamDeathstare Sun 24-Jul-16 23:35:27

Can you and your DS talk to your ex when the GF is not around? It worries me that she is reasonably fine when your ex is present and unpleasant when he isn't. Your ex might not realize just how nasty she is being to his DS. He needs to know because she may turn out to be a long term GF, even your DS's stepmother in the future. It might go better if you are both there as then your ex is less likely to think you are trying to stir up trouble and you can support your DS when he explains what he has experienced.

As Violet asked, is this court ordered visitation? In which case you and your DS may have little say in whether or not he visits your ex. Can you get legal advice as to how you can manage your ex seeing your DS without the GF being present?

VioletBam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:36:56

I've just seen your last thread about this dick of a man and you won't be doing ANYTHING wrong if you don't let your son in his company again.

He isn't suitable. He sounds AWFUL.

M00nUnit Sun 24-Jul-16 23:40:38

Your poor little boy! He's only 8 and they basically imprisoned him in his room plus they didn't let him say goodnight to his own mum. Vile behaviour.

Queenie3 Sun 24-Jul-16 23:48:10

I have no idea why her dd isn't living with her all I know is she has lived with her dad for the last five years she is seven and the mum has alternate weekends. Which seems strange to me, We don't have any court based agreements it's iust an agreement between ourselves we used to have alternate weekends but it just didn't go well if he had other things come up he would cancel and ds would be let down, and he's not great with giving up he's weekend evenings because he likes to party so it worked better that he had him for a few hours in the day mostly each weekend then he had he's evenings to himself and has him over night very rarely. Ds thinks the world of him so that's why I've accomadated him so much sometimes even changed our plans so he can see him. Which really makes me think there is an issue there for him not to want to go if she's there. I do believe it's still to early but he's dad isn't one who would listen to anything I'd say. He can be a complete arse when he don't get he's own way and he does like a drink that's the reason I left him. We've had an OK relationship the last 3 years have been ammicable I know this is going to cause a major row but I'm just not happy forcing my ds to go if he really feels like this. I'm not really sure what to say though.

VioletBam Sun 24-Jul-16 23:52:46

You should tell him the truth. Tell him DS doesn't want to go because he has an awful time there because of the new girlfriend. Also tell him if he threatens you with court action that he would have no chance due to his previous behaviour with DS....failing to change or feed him.

And say "As long as that woman is near my son, I will stop him coming and I will ensure she has no access to him"

You can also get her past checked out via the police...that scheme which allows parents to check the criminal history of people with access to their kids.

Someone else here will come along to say what it's called..I can't rememebr.

hotdiggedy Sun 24-Jul-16 23:55:07

There's far too many stories in the news regarding young children being left with unsuitable adults. Dont take the risk at all.

crazyspaniellady Mon 25-Jul-16 00:01:22

Tell him the truth OP. my stepmum hated me growing up, ( they got together when I was about 2, hated me then, still hates me now) and I wish someone had stood up for me long ago. it may be the wake up call your ex needs. He should put the feelings of HIS ds first, and ds shouldn't be forced to go somewhere he doesn't feel welcome/comfortable. She sounds like a truly awful person. If you nip this in the bud now it'll save your ds the heartache I went through due to my evil stepmother.

VioletBam Mon 25-Jul-16 00:13:30

content.met.police.uk/Article/Domestic-Violence-Disclosure-Scheme---Clares-Law/1400022792812/1400022792812

Call your local police station OP and ask to speak to a member of staff from the community Safety Unit.

They will advise you on how to get this woman's record checked.

If this were a man we were talking about...who was being a bully to someone's child...a man who only had part time access to his own child...we would all be saying to get him checked.

I think you need to stop DS going there immediately and get this woman's past looked at.

Beeziekn33ze Mon 25-Jul-16 00:52:08

Drink seems to be part of the problem, does ex drink more perhaps now he's with new gf?
You could talk to a solicitor about ex only having supervised access to your son.

Birdsgottafly Mon 25-Jul-16 02:28:29

Your ex and his new GF, are heavy drinkers?

She possibly hasn't got a lot of contact with her children, because of neglect (through drinking), or she could be abusive.

Your ex has never put your DS first.

Your DS, is now of an age were he can express himself and he's telling you that he is scared. Her behaviour is bizarre and your ex isn't protecting your DS.

So why do you want contact to continue and why are you scared to speak up and upset them?

At the very least, do not share that your DS is misbehaving, you will put him in danger.

You can contact the Police, or SS, for information about her.

Garbadgeman Mon 25-Jul-16 03:22:44

Yes to using Clare's Law, you need to find out what you can about this woman. Then I would either call your ex (when you know he's not with her) or, if DS is comfortable with the idea, ask him to come round and see you. Point out that you've always been as flexible and cooperative as possible but that DS has come home upset and is now saying he doesn't want to see the gf anymore. Tell him word for word what DS has said and see how he reacts, thinking about it maybe this would be best done over the phone if you have any concerns about his reaction. He will go one of two ways, he'll either be horrified and assure you he will be seeing DS on his own from now on (we can only hope) or he'll defend his gf and dispute what DS has said. If he goes with the latter I don't think you have any choice but to insist you won't send DS anywhere he doesn't want to go and that, if he wants contact, he will have to apply to court so that the arrangement is formalised and both you and DS have the opportunity to raise your concerns about the gf and allow the judge to make a contact order which is in DS's best interests. The only satisfactory response from your ex is to never allow her near DS again (and actually he should be ending the relationship because what parent would want to be with someone who could treat their child like that?) anything less shows DS isn't his priority and means going to court and letting them hear all sides of the story is the only chance he has of getting near DS again. If you have any doubts this is the right course of action put yourself in the ex's position, imagine someone you're involved with has treated DS this way and think how you would react. They wouldn't get near him ever again would they so dont settle for anything less than the same response from your ex. Rocking the boat is not a comfortable prospect I know but protecting DS is a million times more important and facing a (hopefully short term) shit storm has to be better than sending your boy to see his dad not knowing if he will be safe or happy.

Queenie3 Mon 25-Jul-16 17:41:49

I spoke to ex partner today I have said how ds feels and that I think from now it is best that contact is just them two as he really isn't comfortable and normally is is only a few hours anyway I don't see a problem with that. Ex being himself has said fine ds is missing out he will not be going on the holiday he has just booked because her and her dd will be (first I've heard of a holiday) and he won't be going on days out either and he won't be able to see him as much. I was fuming but I think I handled my response well I said well it's nice to see where your priorities lay and you are forgetting he is only a 8 year old child if he feels uneasy you should be trying to get to the bottom of it, what you are saying is just cruel and I have seen for myself there is a problem there (and listed off everything)and if this is how you really feel then fine contact me again once you have sorted your priorities out.

hotdiggedy Mon 25-Jul-16 17:44:25

If there really is a holiday I cant imagine it would be much (or any) fun at all for your son so think of it all as a lucky escape if I were you. He sounds like a total idiot.

Garbadgeman Mon 25-Jul-16 18:13:54

DS is missing out on nothing by seeing less of a parent who won't put him first. Sounds like you handled it well OP, the most important thing is that DS has someone who listens to him, doesn't dismiss his feelings and protects him and that's exactly what you've done. Ultimately you're not responsible for his relationship with his dad, your ex is and, while I understand you want him to have his dad in his life, you can't force your ex to be a good dad. It's hard watching him disappoint your DS but it's not something you can control. The fact that he's willing to effectively punish DS (by seeing him less) for voicing his feelings about the gf's behaviour towards him speaks volumes I'm afraid. Stick to your guns and the first time DS comes home and says he's been forced to spend time with the gf cut contact completely until/unless your ex is willing to go to court and get a formal arrangement which takes into account DS's feelings about seeing the gf.

blondieblondie Mon 25-Jul-16 19:17:07

What a pathetic excuse for a dad. You've done the right thing. If it were me, i would be feeling sick the whole time he was away. By the sounds of them both, hopefully it won't last with her. But even if it doesn't, he doesn't deserve any more chances until your DS is old enough to decide how much he wants him in his life.

Sooverthis Mon 25-Jul-16 19:23:17

I'm a mum and a step mum usually there are two sides but dear God just walk away you need to listen your ds, he doesn't want to go and he won't be missing out on anything.

happypoobum Mon 25-Jul-16 19:34:27

Well thank God he has swerved the Holiday from Hell!

I imagine they will spend it drinking and if DS was there he would be bullied and ignored from what you have said. He is 8 and no way should/could you bundle him into a car to go to spend time with this woman if he doesn't want to.

Let XH stew and see if he takes his head out of his arse long enough to see that he should be building up DS trust again and working hard to improve his relationship with him

In the meantime, I am sure DS knows he is very loved at home.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 25-Jul-16 19:43:16

Sounds like your DS has got the measure of this woman. Your ex is a dickhead if he things that your DS would want to go on holiday with a woman ignores him. I certainly wouldnt want her to look after him alone.

QueenArseClangers Mon 25-Jul-16 20:35:14

Jeez, what an arse. Your poor lad.
Does the dead weight ex pay any maintenance?

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