Dd is four and I love her and would do anything for her but her behavioural problems are taking their toll on me. Every single day starts with her playing up - refusing to wear her clothes, not letting me brush her hair, not getting ready for preschool. She has friendships but I often witness her being horrible to other children and refusing to share. We often have to leave places because she's tantruming. Bedtime is a nightmare - I feel sick when it comes around because she messes about so much and gives me so much cheek I am brought to the brink of pulling my hair out. Now it's the summer holidays I am confiscating her toys regularly because she is hitting me and being abusive so it's not like she's getting away with it but I'm tired of all the battles and humiliation of her not doing as she's told especially in front of other people. I'm at my wits end, I just want to feel happy again but right now I wish I was dead. Please be kind, I can't talk to anyone I know about this because I'm too ashamed of my failure.
AIBU?
You're not a failure at all. Kids can be bloody hard work, show me someone who says their child is never hard work and I'll show you a liar.
They're stubborn, they tantrum, they give cheek, they make a mess, they run you ragged and, most importantly, they grow out of it! It doesn't last forever.
If it's any consolation my two have been a pair of buggers the last few days as well, to the point I've been in tears.
We're all just chugging along and doing the best we can. Hang in there 
Try turning it around.
Don't punish - reward. Have a sticker chart and every time you can brush her hair or she gets dressed etc without arguing she gets a sticker.
After say, 10, she can choose a DVD or an activity she loves or her favourite food for tea.
Maybe don't take her to places where you know she will play up - do some one-to-one things with her for now.
Reinforce that you won't respond unless she talks politely to you (but be civil in return rather than barking orders)
I know it can be challenging with a 'spirited' child 
but there can be light at the end of the tunnel!
When DD was 4 she went through a similar phase. It sounds a bit soft but the best thing I found was either a firm cuddle and talk of working as a team so that she would have time to watch TV/play before we had to leave or, if they are being stroppy and rude to mimick them and put on a funny voice and frowny face. Maybe dd was unusual but she'd usually crack a small smile and then I could get her to see how funny she looked and we'd laugh and I'd go on to say "so, if you want something you just had to ask with a please/you know there was no point in asking for cake when you just had one, so maybe try again tomorrow" and generally explaining why. I think a lot of her frustration was being big enough to 'do' things but not having the control or understanding of why she couldn't at that moment. I never did time out though (dd wanted it too much and it put me off thinking it would be a punishment!) and would just say no and ignore if worst came to the worst and all else failed. Keep explaining though don't just think once should be enough. IME they can be a bit like fish or have selective hearing
Your DD sounds like my almost 3 year old DD! She's so bloody sassy it's not even cute, it's just annoying and irritating.
No words of advice but sympathy and lots of 
It's hard. Kids are hard. You're not a failure.
It all sounds pretty negative in your house at the moment. Is there maybe an element of a vicious circle going on? She misbehaves/is difficult, you become grumpier and more tired the worse her behaviour his, she responds to this with more difficult and bad behaviour... round and round it goes?
I found this was the case with DS. He is naturally a negative little soul. He gets it from his dad 
and sometimes it's hard to manage - we're opposites. We went through a stage of just completely pissing eachother off. I found it hard to break the cycle, he isn't the type to be naturally cheerful so it was up to me. I also discovered I wasn't spending nearly as much 1-1 time with him as I thought I had been, so we weren't connecting at all.
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