Rude child on play date - AIBU to be so pissed off about it

[inlovewithhubby]

Venting here as don't really want to discuss in RL in case it gets back to the parents as children attend a small school.

So my elder daughter had a play date. 6 going on 7. From the moment of pick up the child was rude to all of us. One word answers from the minute she got out of school and lots of I don't like that drink, I don't like that food, I don't want to play that game, I'm bored, etc, all said in very rude, dismissive tones that we don't tolerate in our house. No pleases and thank yous which I confess I automatically corrected as that's not how we work here. Visit culminated in the two older ones conspiring to break a toy of my younger one. Deliberately - visitor said my daughter did it and my daughter said visitor told her to. My daughter has never done anything like this before and we had a good old chat (for chat read a bollocking followed by a chat) about how we behave to others, how not to be pushed into misbehaviour etc. My daughter is no saint but I did not like how this girl changed our family dynamic and turned my now rather confident daughter someone who panders and simpers around this girl, who clearly wore the trousers and was, quite frankly, an absolute pain in the arse all afternoon. I didn't like how that bad behaviour was rewarded by my daughter trying to please her instead of telling her to fuck off (in a six year old non sweary way)

I know it's end of term and they are all tired but that doesn't excuse extraordinarily bad manners.We've only had one other play date with this child and it was over a year ago. It went similarly though not as bad and no ganging up on younger one then.

AIBU to want to discourage this friendship? It's so unbalanced, I don't think the girl chooses to play with my daughter much at school and it's bloody awful to think she's being spoken to so rudely and bossily by someone she says she likes. And more practically, is there anything I can I help her to deal with this sort of thing, other than sit back and let her learn herself that some people are just fucking rude?

[YoungGirlGrowingOld]

No more play dates - agree she sounds a horror. Personally - other than never inviting her again and never letting DD go there - I would let things take their course at school. It sounds as though they are not close at school. Trying to micromanage your DD's friendships may backfire -especially as they get older. Given time I expect your DD will get the measure of this girl. Or the girl will be going through a horrid phase and will be a delight and a good friend in a year or so.

[BikeRunSki]

DD(4) has a friend a but love ie this. I put up with it (with lots of correcting) because they have day-long play dates (only just finished nyrsery), which means that every so often I have a day to myself when I'm not at work (I work p/t), DD is out and DS is at school. They are going to different schools in Sept, so I am hoping the friendship might die out.

[acasualobserver]

Rather involved analysis of petty misbehaviour of some six year olds. Don't think so much about it - just refuse to have rude girl back.

[NickiFury]

No more play dates with this child. We had a similar one who was rather sly and mean towards dd when they were at school but all sweetness when I was around. I tried to kill her with kindness, play dates and inviting her on outings but she remained unpleasant towards dd so no more invites and gentle explanations to dd as to why not, dd moved on and made new friends.

So yes fine to discourage it but you do sound like you're dwelling on it a bit; the child is only six.

[Beeziekn33ze]

Can you get DD involved with other children during the holiday? Playgroups, sport or drama activities perhaps, so she doesn't see or ask after her rude little friend. Are you in contact with the parent of another child she gets on with who is more pleasant who could come over for a play date?

[inlovewithhubby]

Thanks all, yes it might seem an in depth analysis, but because it was such an awful play date I was being asked to intervene all the time, whereas usually on play dates the kids go off and play and I don't see them for 3 hours. Im sure similar stuff happens, and both ways too, but I just don't see it so it doesn't register on my injustice radar. They sort it out themselves usually but obviously felt unable to on this occasion.

Elder daughter was historically quite introvert, and has blossomed socially this academic year, so I guess I am feeling it more than I might if that hadn't been a historical issue. I do feel it keenly, and know that's unreasonable, but can't help it. Inwardly the tiger mum emerges when you see someone unpleasantly dominating your child and I want to give that child a big swipe with a large paw. I know that's totally unreasonable and I haven't communicated this to either that child or to my own.

We've got loads planned with friends and activities for the holidays so that should reset the play date balance. I think I just needed to vent.

[Birdsgottafly]

Don't sit back, encourage your DD to be assertive.

Make sure that you are all respecting her boundaries and that likewise your making sure that you and your possessions are all being treated with respect.

Some children behave like this little girl has and then are different children at nine, some never change.

Distance your DD from her and look out for books/stuff about positive friendships. It's natural for some children to not be in any way assertive until a bit older, though.

[Imaginosity]

I think you're completely overthinking this.

Children will naturally pick who they want to play with at school and you will limited influence over this.

If it's not working out doing play dates with that child just don't do them anymore and forget about it.

Children will come across all sorts of behaviour from other children and the most important thing is to teach your own child how to cope with it without taking it to heart and to keep behaving well themselves

One of my children has aspergers so I'm quite tolerant of behaviour from children that is not ideal. Some children have behavioural issues through no fault of their own, some are awkward and unsure of how to behave and some just need better guidance as to how to behave.

[inlovewithhubby]

This child has no additional needs other than needing a big lesson in manners. She is a perfectly normal girl who is able to present with beautiful manners when she wants to. But accept she's only 6 and may grow out of being a little shit. I'm sure my own are little shits sometimes too.

[Fadingmemory]

Don't ask her again. If her mother asks why just say she was clearly not happy at your house which made the visit difficult for everyone. Don't go into detail.f

[fruitscone]

I have this problem. Long standing friend of DD (a boy) has mutated into a cocky wee shite, who bigs himself up constantly, bosses my kids around and tell my younger one he's fat (he's not!) Because they've been friends forever and because we are friends with the family, I was finding it hard to extracate ourselves from playdates.

For the past year DD has become more friendly with a little girl, who is totally on her wavelength, well behaved and polite (although she doesn't like my cooking!) and having her here is no trouble and really just a delight. It really made me realise I am not obliged to put up with aforementioned rudeness and am slowly and steadily retreating from family interaction with the gobshite.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Yep be pissed off and just don't invite her back - you can give her another chance in a year if they are still friends. I don't expect older siblings to allow younger ones to play with them when they have friends over but will not let them invite anyone back who is out and out horrible to siblings (older or younger) or rude to me (forgetting please and thank you is fine - tbh we have linguistic differences anyway meaning my kids are expected to say please and thank you more than is normal for their friends) but outright unpleasantness and spite means no return invite.

Its OK to tell your DD why IMO. :o

[CaptainCrunch]

My DC had some horrible "pals" over the years. It's difficult but you can't get over involved. They have to figure these things out for themselves. My Mum would no more have interfered in my friendships than flown to the moon. Parents are way too quick to butt in these days and try and control and engineer every aspect of their DC lives, it's not healthy.

[Aworldofmyown]

This makes me sad. This child is 6 and you spent what, 3 hours with her? twice in a year.

Now most people on Mumsnet think its ok to label her a horrid child, discourage the friendship and never invite her again.

Children go through phases, they grow up, learn different behaviour and whats appropriate. Thats life.

They can't all be excellently behaved from a young age, some have to work at it.

[StarryIllusion]

I'd have rung her parents and told them to come and get her as her behaviour is disgusting. I know if I got a call like that about one of mine, I'd be embarrassed enough to knock some bloody manners into them.

[BakewellSliceAgain]

I just never got round to inviting one child back again.

Sometimes doing half an hour in the park straight after school with all parents present is the best bet.

[diddl]

" she was clearly not happy at your house"

Exactly that!

[gandalf456]

I have had playdates like this but realised that if the playdate were difficult, I did not have to invite them back. It is your house. I don't think it's wrong to discourage the friendship and give your DD the skills to be assertive with her because it will improve her confidence and make it easier for her to meet more like-minded people.

For now, I'd invite friends that make your life easy and, if she's still friends with this girl a year down the line, you can try again IF you feel like it. I have found that a lot of DD's friends, who were little shits at 6 or 7, grew out of it and grew into well-mannered children so it's advisable not to take these things too personally.

I think it gets more difficult if you are overly friendly with the mum. Sometimes, I think it pays not to be and to keep mum friends a bit more 'business-like.'

Overall, though, I prefer it if it's just me and the kids and we go out somewhere. They can always meet people at the park or whatever and that way, you are not responsible if things go wrong.

[Fairenuff]

'so and so told me to' is the biggest excuse children of that age give. And the stock parental reply is 'If they told you jump off a cliff would you do it'.

They know that they've done something wrong and are trying to shift the blame. Your dd will meet people like this in life so teach her how to take responsibility. Instead of bollocking her, teach her to say 'Yes it was me, I did it and I'm sorry'.

And don't invite that friend round again.

[gandalf456]

It is. My DS (aged 7) is like that. He completely changes with certain friends but is really easy on his own. He also changes when out of his environment. I'm hoping it's a phase and that he grows out of it while I keep plugging away at him.

[JimmyGreavesMoustache]

i agree that playdates at this age can often be tricky
I wouldn't write a 6yo off on the basis of one bad afternoon. even the nicest of kids can get hyped-up and silly on a playdate.

plus they're in a new environment where they're not sure of the boundaries, which for some kids triggers an instinctive response to push until they find them. I have found that certain kids' behaviour has improved on subsequent playdates as they already know the bottom line.

IME it helps to keep them short (2hours is perfect) and to have a semi-structured activity up your sleeve to calm any feral giddiness.

[amidawish]

never invite her again!
simple.

and yes i would write her off based on one bad afternoon. she sounds like a horror. why would you encourage this friendship?

imo playdates are for:

1. helping out the other parent
   
2. inviting your dc's good friends over to spend time with each other
   
3. encouraging a friendship
   
   this child does not fit in any of those categories. block!!!

[thisisafakename]

She sounds awful. I had a nasty friend like this when I was young. She would ignore me at school but come to my house and encourage me to hit my younger siblings and stuff. I would have loved it if my mum had banned her from coming round.
Also, I wouldn't feel bad about labeling her. Lots of kids are little shits and many grow up into shitty adults. It's not like the nastiness suddenly manifests itself at 18 or something. Personality traits develop early and just as there are many not so nice adults, there are many not so nice children. Not because they have special needs but because they are bossy, bullying and controlling. Sometimes it can be due to a traumatic upbringing but during my school days I came across plenty of nasty kids who had not suffered trauma at home. They just weren't nice people and still aren't.

[lljkk]

Ooh, you guys are harsh.
She's SIX. If a 6yo is already ruined for life, what hope is there for the rest of us?
I might decline to invite back (for a long time), but I wouldn't write her off forever.

OP's story would make me laugh, mostly. Good fodder for discussing how to be nice with the OP's own DD, too.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Yes children can change a lot in a year and the child might be very different in a year. No need for all the "little shit" comments.

Manners - meh, could be the whole boundry pushing thing or being over excited (or in some cases overwhelmed though it doesn't sound like it here) or just parents not having the same priorities. The whole "I'm bored" thing is stroppiness and immaturity probably - yes, I'd go with the "she wasn't having fun, maybe she shouldn't come back for a while". Spitefulness to another child in the family though - that does deserve a refusal to invite her back for a good long while, and any future invite being subject to thinking she'd improved!

You can't do anything about the school friendship unless you think she is bullying your DD or encouraging your DD to collude with her in bullying others at school the way they did with your younger child in your hime, and want the teacher to step in and keep them apart for that reason.