Ds almost 9 is always saying mean things about me.

[Colourfulpast1975]

He is a very demanding child and he is never satisfied with anything he gets. He is always after the next thing. I work from home which allows me to do lots with my ds during the holidays. Last week we went to the park loads, café, cinema, fun fair, various treats...this week we are on holiday, he has been horrid, asking for stuff which he got (thank you Dh)...at one point I was having a laugh with Dh and he interrupted asking why I was talking gibberish. The day after we went out after dinner and he was complaining a lot, wanted this and that..being very ungrateful. I was really upset and I went to bed upset. The day after I talked to the dss (I have 2) and I explained I was disappointed by their behaviour as they get so much (I never had as much as they get while I was growing up). I stayed at the cottage while Dh took the kids to various activities. I read my book, faffed on the iPad etc... In the evening Ds asked to play a game but I really didn't fancy it, he then told me oh yes I know you like to chill a lot implying that I was lazy. I do everything for these kids, all my life turns around them. I booked this specific holiday for them. Yet I'm told I'm lazy by my 9 years old.

Dh just told ds that he was not very tactful saying that...what is that supposed to mean that he believes that I'm lazy ? Do I have to be 24 hours a day doing things with my family, can't I take a day for myself ?

[LordoftheTits]

"Not very tactful"? What a shite way of putting it and yes, I would also feel that he thought I was lazy if I were in your position

[PeppasNanna]

With the greatest of respect, the child sounds like an absolute brat.

Stop spoiling him & he will learn to appreciate things!

[BishopBrennansArse]

Punish all disrespect. Pull your DH any time he undermines you (which sounds frequent).

[BishopBrennansArse]

Pull your DH up I mean

[llhj]

Hey sounds obnoxious, I'd crack down right now or that teenager is going to be completely revolting. Instead of going to bed upset, pull the brat up on his words and punish him. He needs some tough love.

[TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat]

You need to act on this now - and by that I mean come down on him (and your sap of a DH) like a ton of bricks. What he gets away with now will help set the tone for how he speaks to his future girlfriends/wife - and I'm sure you don't want to raise a kid who is capable of that do you?
Is there any incentive for him not to behave like a brat? Do you punish him? Do you tell your husband that he's about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike? Do you stand up for yourself at all?

[Buzzardbird]

I wonder where he is getting that attitude from?

Don't stand for it, you sound like you are not very strict tbh. You need to teach him the meaning of respect.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Do you really let him get away with talking to you like that?! Even my 4 year old would get a very sharp 'excuse me?' and would know that talking like that was unacceptable.

Your sons and your DH are being extremely disrespectful, it should be them being upset that they have upset you, not you being upset.

I agree with others. Your sons need punishment when they are so rude and your DH needs to step up and be a father not just someone who completely undermines you.

[leelu66]

Are they your sons or step-sons?

You need to be very firm when they are respectful.

No messing - take away things they value - tablet time, etc. Don't engage with them, don't cry in front of them. And your DH needs to back you up on any punishments.

[leelu66]

disrespectful, that should have been

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

That does sound out of hand and just unpleasant.

I find with my kids the more I devote myself to them and give them stuff the more they want. They are actually both happier and more appreciative if they get less materially, and if the time 100% devoted to their wants (by which I mean doing this purely for their entertainment, like playing with them or taking them places that are not interesting to me but are to them) are a bit more restricted.

If I promise to play a specific board game at some specific pre defined point, but get on with my own stuff for the preceding 4 hours they can entertain themselves perfectly well and really enjoy the board game, but if I play something on demand and them agree to play again, and then one of them wants to play something else, inevitably the moaning about things being "boring" starts, or they complain when I say I need to do something else and not play a 4th or 5th game...

Kids need to be able to amuse themselves not be dependant on their parents for entertainment - if you leave your son to get bored he will be a nightmare for a few hours, but if you can tough it out he will then suddenly realise he can entertain himself, most likely.

Stop buying him anything except at birthdays and Christmas and give him a sensible amount of pocket money once per week or month (no top ups) to either save up or spend on himself. If you wish to you can offer him the chance to augment it by doing chores for you.

[GlitterGlassEye]

Sorry but it's your own fault. Stop spoiling him and stop getting upset when he puts you down. I'd be livid if my kids spoke to me in such a bitchy manner and they'd know all about it! I think once you've set him some guidelines and shown him who's boss, he'll get a fright but do it now before he hits his teens.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Yep and definitely talk to your DH when the boys are in bed and make yourself very clear - you both need to be on the same page. Specifically address the "that's not tactful" comment - maybe he worded what he wanted to say clumsily and meant to say that it was a hurtful comment... but actually I think the child's comment could have been let go with a raised eyebrow and stern look from you; it was your DH'S comment that made it into a proper insult!

[Colourfulpast1975]

They are my sons. I have another one who is 12 years old. He has been complaining one evening but stopped when I told him off and apologised. I haven't joined them today again, I really don't want to. I'm seen like a waste of space by my own child if I don't give him everything he wants or wants to do. I'm feeling really down, I work hard at a job which is really not for me so they can have nice things and do more things but I messed up, it doesn't make them happier.

[JapaneseSlipper]

"he then told me oh yes I know you like to chill a lot implying that I was lazy.
Dh just told ds that he was not very tactful saying that"

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you guys all sound pretty dysfunctional.

I see the above in two ways. Either your 8 year old simply meant what he said - "I know you like to chill a lot" - which, on the face of it, is not unkind. There is nothing WRONG with saying that, if that is what you mean. We all like to relax. No shame there.

OR, as you have assumed, and your husband has confirmed, your son was being passive aggressive. He said one thing, with a subtext to imply another: you are lazy.

If the first is true, you have no problem. If the second is, yes, you do have a problem. I'm surprised to hear an 8 year old would be so catty. I'm surprised your husband encourages your son to be "tactful" rather than honest or kind. (He needs to back you up more with the consumerism, by the way. I'm sure you know this but it's time to talk about it with him.) And you need to stop being offended and hurt by your son - your EIGHT YEAR OLD son - and start laying down some boundaries.

And I do think that you as a family need to start working on your communication. Start saying what you mean, stop letting little veiled barbs go, and don't let this weird dynamic carry on any longer.

Good luck

[leelu66]

He sounds like Dudley Dursley.

Unfortunately there's no magic wand to undo what made him into a spoilt child. It will take hard work on your and your DH's part. Let him scream, shout and tantrum if he doesn't get his own way.

When he makes fun of you for talking gibberish - I think it's jealousy and it's his way of controlling the situation, by making you feel like crap. Next time he says it, tell him it's rude and unacceptable and send him to his room until he is ready to speak properly to his family.

Don't hide away from your family. Letting him go out with your DH is letting him have his way. He shouldn't get the privilege of going out (even on hols) if he is disrespectful to you.

[Colourfulpast1975]

Thank you all... A lot of food for thought. I'm going to show this thread to Dh to start a discussion.

[HPsauciness]

I find with my kids the more I devote myself to them and give them stuff the more they want

I so agree with this, if I go through a phase of really spoiling them, getting them drinks/food all the time instead of making them get at least a glass of water for themselves, or taking them on a huge amount of meals out and rides on fairgrounds and days out- the end result is often a quite wingey child who wants more and more and more all the time!

I notice from your description though, OP, that you don't seem to be directly communicating with your sons, or at least you had a word with them but now don't want to be with them today. I would articulate this out loud- I'm feeling annoyed because you seem very ungrateful and I now want some time on my own while I figure out how to solve this.

I've had these moments before, very similar, and in the main it's just a bit of bad behaviour from basically nice children (I think mine are anyway) who just need the boundaries of being helpful, being grateful and being polite reasserting! And that's what you have to do.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

When we go on holiday DH and I spend an awful lot of time sitting on the terrace of the static caravan or cottage reading and watching the kids play with half an eye... they get dedicated time on probably two "big" days out at an attraction, maybe 3 half days out on foot or bike exploring and buying an ice-cream, and with a few hours at the pool or beach or lake and a board game in the evening most days, over the course of a 10 day self catering holiday. For a good chunk of the time the kids play outside - they inevitably make friends whose parents are doing exactly the same and whom I have no problem having playing around our caravan and keeping half an eye on and chucking the odd ice lolly from the freezer or glass of water to too, but I don't "entertain" them. That is usually the highlight of the holiday - DD still writes multiple times a week to the two girls she hung out with on our last holiday, last June.

If my kids said I like to chill I would agree... but then my husband wouldn't validate it by saying it wasn't "tactful" and would remind him we aren't their court jesters (and he's lazier than I am anyway :o ) The gibberish comment would be cracked down on properly - that was worse (before your DH chimed in on the chilling comment not being tactful and therefore validated it).

[EveryoneElsie]

I would crack down on that now. He's old enough to start doing chores and earning his allowance and his expensive things.
That sounds like an unloving family.

[midnightlurker]

Things don't make children happy. Time spent with them does. Make sure you and DH model that spending time together is what makes a family happy, not having stuff. Attractions are fun to go to but then the time is spent marvelling at the thing you are seeing/doing not paying attention to each other. Take him to the park, play football with him, listen to him talk about his interests, play games with him. No money, no things, just time.

[KondosSecretJunkRoom]

Kids need to be able to amuse themselves not be dependant on their parents for entertainment - if you leave your son to get bored he will be a nightmare for a few hours, but if you can tough it out he will then suddenly realise he can entertain himself, most likely.

It was so nice reading this. For a whole lot of boring reason this Easter holidays has been the pits and I've felt constantly hen pecked by my 2 older dcs who would rather I were able to execute a fun-filled schedule of entertainment and activities - it's good to hear my waving them away to entertain themselves for a few hours might have a positive effect.

[midnightlurker]

Also make it clear that you are a person just like him. Be sad, be happy, have hobbies. Challenge him on his 'the world is all about me' attitude. My 3 year old tried that. He gets told that there are lots of people in this family and they all matter equally. So he will come to my hobby and I will take him to his!

[JapaneseSlipper]

"actually I think the child's comment could have been let go with a raised eyebrow and stern look from you; it was your DH'S comment that made it into a proper insult!" Exactly!

[LunaLunaLovegood]

OP you sound absolutely lovely. for you. You are clearly SUCH a good provider for your family that I think your DH and DSs now take you for granted. 'Good old mum will do everything for us and we can still talk to her how we like.'

This jumped out at me
I'm feeling really down, I work hard at a job which is really not for me so they can have nice things and do more things but I messed up, it doesn't make them happier.

I sympathise. We all want to do the best for our children - I run myself ragged over mine - and I am stuck in a job I don't want any longer, because it suits 'the family as a whole'. Luckily for me this is just for a certain amount of time (which I am counting down!!) though, and DH appreciates me, and teaches DC to appreciate me too.

I expect your children are lovely but you do need to explain that Mummy is an equal person to them, and not here just to make sure their needs are met.