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AIBU?

To be in a difficult position re son best friend & drugs?

28 replies

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 16:45

Oh hell.......DS1 has told me over a period of some weeks now about his best mate,who is a few weeks younger than DS1, who's 15.
He told me his friend had started smoking weed,now he has progressed onto 'E's' and there's footage on social media of his friend on 'trips'. Friend has tried to persuade DS1 to try weed,then E's,which DS1 is having none of. He has told me that he feels his friend is now getting in 'too deep' and he's worried about some of the idiots his mate has started to hang around with.
He has started to have violent & abusive outbursts,and DS1 has been a witness to some of these. I am so glad that DS1 has spoken to me about these things,can't have been easy for him to tell me,or witness these things.
The thing is,just one single E can kill. If it were my son,I would want to know.I want my son alive. I cannot have a death on my mind,through drugs. I have to prevent a tragedy. My sons friend is from a good family,well off, far more than us. I went to the school this afternoon,as I know the person supplying is from the same year in the school. I am bricking it. I cannot tell the boys parents,as I don't want to be shot as the messenger.Was I BU in what I did this afternoon?

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Gatehouse77 · 22/02/2016 16:50

Nope, good call. I'd pass it on to the school to deal with unless I knew the parents really well and how they'd be likely to react.

ImperialBlether · 22/02/2016 16:52

I think you did the right thing by going to the school. It would be difficult to go to the parents, not least because your son would be seen as the person who spoiled the boys' fun.

Lemond1fficult · 22/02/2016 17:19

You did the right thing. If you went direct to his parents it would surely come back on your son. If the friend is hell-bent on exploring drugs, he's going to do it. but at least his parents can try and nip it in the bud. You'd want to know if the shoe was on the other foot.

BarbarianMum · 22/02/2016 18:52

My dbro has been a drug addict since age 15 I would keep talking to your ds, go to the school and encourage him to cool the friendship, esp out of school where using is likely to occur. Drug experimenters mix with a wide variety of undesirable people and he doesn't need to get mixed up in that.

My db was introduced to weed by his best friend and it was all downhill from there.

Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 19:22

You do sound like you are panicking - lots of teenagers "experiments" with drugs.

E has killed very few people.

Only 3% of people who use drugs recreationally will go on to have a substance misuse issue (I was one of the 3%).

You sound like you aren't very informed (you don't trip on Es).

The school probably already know - do you know if the lad wants help?

If there are no consequences for him ATM then I doubt he would engage in support and you risk his friendship with your son.

Mistigri · 22/02/2016 19:28

The really crucial thing is to educate your own children. And if you come out with this "one ecstasy can kills" stuff you will instantly lose credibility (most serious drug researchers think that ecstasy is among the safest recreational drugs - safer than alcohol and dope and fags). That's not to say that you want to encourage it of course - but that if you peddle nonsense the average teenager will see straight through it. Your DS sounds very sensible - don't lose his trust.

The violent and abusive outbursts are concerning, and suggest that he might be taking something more harmful - or have some mental health problems that are being exacerbated by his drug or alcohol use - I think tbh I might have a word with the parents if you know them well enough. Wouldn't you want to know if it were your son? You don't necessarily need to spell out drugs, just say that your son has witnessed some uncharacteristic behaviour and you think they should know about it.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 19:30

Cutecat78 not very well informed?!?! Don't care if it's called a trip or not....whatever the hell it is, they do kill,and don't exactly do much for your mental health,do they?!
And I've dealt with psychosis first hand from those who think smoking weed is harmless.
I know very well that there are risks with friendships,etc. Just because 'lots' of teenagers experiment with drugs is not something to be relaxed about.

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Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 19:33

I think it's important to be well informed if you are going to have conversations with your son about it.

Talking rubbish makes you look like an idiot and as a PP said lose credibility.

I would prefer my child taking Es (which are ridiculously weak these days) than binge drinking.

I say that as someone who was a drug and alcohol worker with teenagers for 7 years.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 19:33

Mistigri

'The one E that kills' is my own opinion. I have not discussed this with my son,so am not worried about credibility here.

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oprahfan · 22/02/2016 19:37

Cutecat78
I appreciate your opinion as a drug and alcohol worker, however,I do not appreciate your opinion that I'm talking Rubbish and some kind of idiot.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/02/2016 19:39

I think you did the right thing. I suspected my daughter was being supplied with weed by her best friend's brother. (She has since confirmed this.) She was 16 and I managed to nip it in the bud, but I never told his parents or anyone else. I think they knew he was a user but not a dealer, they didn't realise how deep he was in.

Four years on he has a serious substance abuse problem that seems to have impacted significantly on his health (hospital trips etc) and is on bail on a fairly serious supplying charge (cocaine I think). I feel a tad guilty that a bit of tough love early on may have made the difference.

PosieReturningParker · 22/02/2016 19:41

I'd be most worried about the habit forming weed that totally stagnates a young brain.

I've done lots of recreation stuff, way before kids.

Two kids I knew died of Es at university. Loads more totally made nothing of themselves through a weed habit. Weed today is very very strong and can have a life long impact if smoked a lot at 15. I think the advice is over 21 and not skunk.

PosieReturningParker · 22/02/2016 19:42

You did the right thing OP.

Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 19:45

I wasn't implying you were talking rubbish I meant people in general talking rubbish about drugs.

We wouldn't talk to our kids about sex of we weren't armed with the facts so why fill their heads with "scare" stories about drugs.

Most kids see their parents use the worst drug every single day.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 19:46

TinklyLittleLaugh
It's interesting you mention the 'in too deep' comment.
That's exactly what DS said yesterday. He is getting really worried about his mate,and he says he doesn't think he can reach him anymore,hence my visit to the school today.
I think it's the escalation to other choices I would like to try to understand.
I understand that many want to experiment with certain drugs, that's a dead cert.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/02/2016 19:54

Oprah.
I think lots of kids can have a bit of a dabble with drugs with no ill effects. I imagine my two student kids do now; I certainly did. But for some kids, it just seems to consume them, it becomes the most important thing they do. They are the ones who need help.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 19:55

Cutecat78
I think DS's mate is living in the shadow of his 'successful' brother. He doesn't seem to think he has much to offer. I understand WHY his mate has chosen to go off down a certain route.......but one day,there will be something that could light a fire in his heart and he could make better choices in life.
I know it is down to his mate to make his own choices. He's throwing things about the house,off the walls,stopped getting involved with sport (which he was very involved with and a great team member) and generally shouting/swearing/at his mum and dad.
He's now also disappearing out of school.

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Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 19:57

Does he attend a Youth Club?

If so a quiet word with the Leader in Charge would be the way to go.

Some schools have zero tolerance in drugs that's the thing.

Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 19:58

Tbh if his attendance is becoming an issue it will get looked into anyway and he should get offered support if he's honest.

cocochanel21 · 22/02/2016 19:59

You did the right thing.
My dd started out using recreational drugs at university.
She then moved on to hard drugs.
3 year's of hell and heartbreak.
She lost her fight with drugs last year.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 20:02

Cutecat78

He has some most excellent coaches for his sport.
Tbh,they are fantastic mentors.
Hmmmmm,maybe one of the coaches in particular could be a way to go,as I've known them for years and is a very good person indeed.

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Cutecat78 · 22/02/2016 20:04

Yes that sounds good - someone who isn't just going to give him a massive bollocking.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2016 20:07

It's great that you have such an open relationship with your son. He must feel he can tell you a lot. Is he aware that you have alerted the school and does he know how you feel about recreational drugs?
I do think it was reasonable to inform the school and leave them to deal with it. Maybe think how you plan to move forward with this. It's an ideal time to have a honest discussion with your Ds and as of other posters have suggested, educate yourself a bit more so you can discuss the whole thing calmly. Drugs have evolved over time so what you perhaps knew as weed, is not what your son's generation are smoking. There are also a range of legal highs which are popular so it's all worth looking into so you are armed with the facts.

oprahfan · 22/02/2016 20:08

Cocochanel21
Oh that is terrible,I am so sorry to hear about your DD. I hate to think what you've been through. Life will never be the same, I'm so gutted to read your words.
Tbh,getting different opinions is helping me to see what else I can do,I can't just sit back here.
X

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ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/02/2016 20:10

cocochanel so sorry about your daughter

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