To reduce EXH constant after this weekends poor show of parenting?

[Inneedofadvice553]

DS has a rather useless man child of a father. My Exh.

Ds came home today after a weekend at his dads where his only contact with his dad is EOW. Things has been getting progressively worse.

DS was not bathed or washed in three days to any degree
His hair was unbrushed and teeth not cleaned
He witnessed shouting between EXH and his DP
He was not taken out for a walk or any exercise all weekend
He was collected late from school for no clear reason
He was kept in a dark flat watching tv all weekend
He was allowed to watch films with a 12 rating.
He allowed ds to watch clips on the internet of content that contained swearing and "bad words" my DS said

As a side note EXH has nothing to do with my DS school, has collected him twice (hes in year one and that covers nursery, pre school, reception and year one
He refuses to take ds to playdates or birthday parties

Would I be unreasonable to reduce EXH contact from EOWeekend to every third weekend, maybe even one night?

I think his behaviour and parenting is disgusting, aib over the top??

[19lottie82]

i don't think any of these things could really be classed as neglect over a three day period...... Did he brush his teeth at all over the weekend? How much shouting? How old is your DS? Films are a 12A which mean it's up to the adult in charge of they can watch them or not. I don't think that's necessarily a big deal.

BUT if things, as you say, are getting progressively worse then maybe it is time to re assess the arrangement.

I guess the most important thing is, does your DS WANT to go stay with his dad?

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Kind of agree with the above

Is contact court ordered?

[Inneedofadvice553]

he didnt brush his teeth at all for three days as stated.
There was an arguement where EXH was calling his DP names (he has anger issues hence why I divorced him)
The film was not a 12a it was a 12. It is an action scary film, totally not suitable for a 6 year old

[iMatter]

YANBU. That's shit, lazy, crap parenting.

[Inneedofadvice553]

No not court ordered, private arrangement.

I just cant believe how little he gives his DS, I feel like DS's weekends are being ruined by this contact

He has hardly any toys over there and I have had to send paper to draw on as EXH forgot twice in a row to get some paper (I mean who doesnt have paper???)

[Inneedofadvice553]

Thanks Imatter I agree

I'm a bit shocked other posters think not washing or basic care is normal!!

[Howdoesironmanwee]

6? Yanbu

[19lottie82]

If you don't think your DS is being looked after properly then yes, you have every right / reason to reduce contact, if you believe it's in your sons best interest.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I'd try cutting it down to one night eow so he could go Friday after school until Saturday afternoon. That way he can still have a nice weekend day and the time with his dad will feel less oppressive.

[m0therofdragons]

Only brushing teeth once in 3 days isn't neglect? Wow, okay, clearly I'm on a different planet. The bathing I can excuse to a certain extent but my dc only tend to bathe every 3 days depending on what we're doing. Hardly sounds like they were too busy but it was only Friday and Saturday night. Teeth in my house is twice a day. The rest is just crap parenting rather than neglectful. How does dc feel about it? Take care not to put words in his mouth and don't put his df down in front of him. Exh parents differently to you but try not to point out how crap he is. I'd probably big it up to dc as Oooh you had a lazy weekend then did you?
How old is ds?
So long as he wants to go I'd support him but I'd encourage independence like teeth brushing and hair brushing.
Sorry it's crap op but like it or not he's you ds' dad.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

What would happen if you ended the private arrangement.

is your X likely to go the court route.

did you take pictures. could school back up the turning up late?

how does your ds feel

[Inneedofadvice553]

What would be the benefit of keeping it every other weekend for one night over a weekend every three weeks?

EXH lives 1hr travel away so doesn't like to do over nights

[ExasperatedAlmostAlways]

I'd speak to him first if you haven't about it all.

Was he so unhygienic/lazy whilst you were together?

Your ds woukd definitely have a better time at home being taken out, kept washed etc rather than being plonked infront of a TV.

How does your ds feel about going there?

[CocktailQueen]

Yanbu. He's failing to provide basic care. It doesn't sound as though he's actively being abusive, but how low does the bar have to be?!

No hygiene, no activities, no exercise, no care. Sounds awful and I would be looking to reduce contact.

Does DS enjoy seeing him??

[greenfolder]

If it's not court ordered, do what you think is in his interests.

[Inneedofadvice553]

Thanks for all the responses I'm very confused.

EXH is quite verbally aggressive to me in front of DS, and disrespectful to women in general so my view is quite clouded.

I doubt he would go down the court route he doesn't seem that bothered.
When I moved away for three months a couple of years ago he made not one effort to see our son but instead abused me via phone calls and emails, and txt messages

I guess I'm just annoyed as I work very hard to give our son a good life and our week days are spent with his clubs and homework, so by the weekend I want to have fun with him and as it stands, EXH is getting a lot of DS free time and I think not using it well

[Inneedofadvice553]

My ds does like the tv experience, as here he only gets 25 mins a day.... sometimes none if were out late on a weekend.

Plus his dad gives him lots of sweets.

He is sad they never go out, sad about the shouting

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Honestly. I'd stop it all together. he clearly doesn't give a shit. and maybe he's doing a bad job in the hope you don't ask him to do it again.

I think going and being. g neglected and ignored is worse than never seeing him. at all. and he sounds like he's not even worth the effort your putting in to keep him.on your child's life.

[greenfolder]

Move it to 3 weeks, one night. Your little boy deserves better.

[PurpleDaisies]

What would be the benefit of keeping it every other weekend for one night over a weekend every three weeks?

From your ex's point of view I'd imagine not seeing his child for three weeks would be quite a long time.

He definitely needs to sort himself out regarding keeping your son clean. Have you raised it with him?

[Gileswithachainsaw]

of course he will like it. free reign to watch TV and eat a Ton of sweets.

won't he so good though when he's left alone in the house as his dad goes to the pub or he's in the dentists chair having his teeth drilled.

[Inneedofadvice553]

I have raised it with him, as i always do on a sunday night by text in writing. As yet no clear response.

I am so angry with him, he is between contracts at work at the moment so is under no major stress, it is just purely shit parenting

For those of you using the word neglect, I havnt used that word, I have used the words disgusting, lazy and shit parenting

[annandale]

It sounds completely crap but I think the benefit of a relationship with both parents is so huge it's worth persevering to some extent.

Moving to one night eow sounds good - limits the length but keeps the frequency.

[LeaLeander]

It sounds horrible; I would be tempted to reduce contact at least until the child is old enough to fend for himself. Age six he is still dependent on adults for meals, help with bathing/guidance re bedtime, TV etc.

Was he always that horrible of a person or did he recently become that way?

[LittleBeautyBelle]

It doesn't sound a good environment for your ds to be in. Are you able to have a civil conversation with your ex, is he reasonable at all? If so, you could talk to exh, kind of listing what you told us, and say you're concerned, and that if he won't try to improve on those things, then it's best to not have ds go with him for a while until exh decides to take better care of ds.