AIBU to end this friendship?

[ScarlettOHara8]

I think it's ended anyway!

Long story, but I don't want to dripfeed.
I work with a friend of mine. We met through work and became very good friends, have socialised a lot outside of work, introduced our partners to each other etc. We have both confided in each other a lot, and she is the only person other than my husband who knows about a very difficult time I went through earlier this year. She was very sympathetic at the time.

Now, the place where we work is not a nice place. In fact, it's been a completely toxic environment for a good few months now. I've really struggled, and it all came to a head two weeks ago. I went to my GP and went to pieces. I've been diagnosed with depression and my GP gave me ADs and signed me off work for two weeks. I'm going back to the GP today and although I feel a little stronger and I am still totally anxiety ridden about going back to work. (As it's got closer I've not been able to sleep and have been panicking about it).

Now that you know the back story, what is REALLY upsetting me is that this 'friend' has not been in touch, at all. Not even a text. A few other people from work have dropped me a wee message just to say they are thinking of me, and that has been so appreciated. I have responded to thank them too.

WIBU to completely cut her out of my life? I cannot believe she could do this. Obviously her job is more important to her than her friends. It's really upset me, at a time where obviously I could do without this.

Also my husband saw her DP at a sporting event last week and he did not acknowledge or mention me at all. My DH will be seeing her DP again this week- I know he doesn't want it to be awkward but part of me wants him to say 'you know, ScarlettOHara8 is really upset that yourpartner hasn't been in touch at all' but to be honest I don't know what that will achieve.

I should mention I did text her last week to reach out and she ignored it. It's over isn't it?

It just really,really hurts.

[AbeSaidYes]

If this is the ONLY thing then I think you are being a bit over the top to completely cut her out of your life.


How would you realistically achieve this when you go back to work?

[MsMarthaMay]

Maybe she's going through something crap herself!

[Stillunexpected]

I was coming on to say the exact same thing MsMarthaMay. Unless she has form for doing this kind of thing previously, I would definitely not end the friendship over one incident.

[lizzydrippingsghost]

text her again and ask her if everythings ok, if something has upset her you need to know what so you can clear the air. if you dont and the relationship is over your always be wondering why

[ScarlettOHara8]

Thank you all for replying.
@Abesaidyes I know, that is what worries me.
@MsMarthaMay That's why I text her last week, just in case, so I was making the first move but no reply
@Stillunexpected thank you
@itsmine Maybe. I know I may be over analysing because of how I'm feeling so I appreciate your response
@lizzydrippingsghost Thank you, I might try that.

thank you all for responding. I'm willing to admit I may be being unreasonable here, because I'm not myself at the moment. thanks again.

[ScarlettOHara8]

oh and I'm more of a lurker than a poster so sorry I don't know how to reply properly :(

[scatterthenuns]

YABU.

Too soon, too self-centred.

[ConstanceMarkYaBitch]

Wow. You know there is a tiny chance that she does have her own life and its not all about you? Way to only think of yourself though.

[Justmyluck1]

Stop texting And worrying and call her on the phone. Chat properly.

She may be giving you space, she may be going through a hard time herself.

Call her.

[Lackadonkical]

Grr why do posters escalate the meanness? Of course your not feeling yourself, you've just gone on ads. Give yourself a bit of time to get used to them, and forget about your friend for now.

[LetsSplashMummy]

I don't think you are in the right place to be making dramatic decisions and the way you are viewing this is really a symptom of your depression. I think you should only cut people out/leave a friendship over something the person actively does (being horrible to you) not when they don't behave exactly as you think they should - that way you will have a lot of unnecessary pain in your life, as people all behave differently. She is probably giving you space and waiting until you want to talk in your own time - not a bad thing.

Also, she also works in a toxic environment, it is possible that she is struggling herself with her friend off sick, having nobody to talk to and is having her own moment of reflection on her life.

Don't get your DH to pass on your message, you just come across needy and then you will doubt her anyway when she makes contact with you - there is no good outcome. You say you "could do without this" but surely if you take a step back you can see she hasn't actually added to your problems, your very particular expectations have. The absence of a "Hope you're okay" text is not a disaster and I think you know this on some level. Don't let depression take away a very good friend as well as so much else.

[experiencedhider]

I think YWBU to cut her out completely over this incident. As you have said, you are not feeling yourself and may regret hasty decisions you make now. I do understand how you feel, but as pp have said, she may have her own issues at the moment. Best I think to give it some time, concentrate on feeling better and then give some thought to your relationship with your friend.

[MrsTedCrilly]

I can totally understand your knee jerk reaction, I've been through similar recently.. My dad died earlier this year and I've had several friends (who I thought were close) go totally quiet on me.. haven't heard from them in 7 months. It hurts. I was all ready to never get in touch again.. Then I thought about it. Sometimes people don't know what to say.. Then they leave it too long so think it will be awkward.. They have lots going on themselves. I'm trying to remember all the good stuff they have done before. Don't end a good friendship for this, see how she is when you go back x

[eddielizzard]

yes, text her again. don't make any decisions right now. you're in a bad place going through a hard time. yes, it's shit she isn't in contact, but you don't know what's happening in her life yet.

i'd ask to meet for coffee rather than just a general text. something like 'hey i'm missing you. fancy a coffee this week?'

[shovetheholly]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to be deeply upset. If you know someone is ill with depression, and that person is a friend, you get in touch - end of! I'd do this for someone I only knew a little bit, and she sounds much closer to you than this.

I would leave any decision about whether you see her in future to a later date. You don't know what the reasons for her silence are (there are no real excuses, but there might be mitigating circumstances). She might be a colossal MH bigot with awful views on depression, or she might be going through something major herself and not want to burden you. It's probably wisest to focus on yourself and the people who ARE supportive for now, and to shelve this for a time when you feel a bit more able to handle it.

I hope you feel much better soon.

[Dieu]

YANBU, and hope things improve soon

[LagunaBubbles]

Wow. You know there is a tiny chance that she does have her own life and its not all about you? Way to only think of yourself though

Wow indeed. OP has depression and anxiety and this can clearly affect your thought processes. Talk about the most nasty and unhelpful reply someone could come up with and yours would be up there!

OP dont text, go and see her or phone your friend and ask her if shes ok and whats going on because you havent heard from her. Its always better to try to sort these things out in person or at least physically speaking to the other person and not relying on texting. You might not like what she has to say but its always better knowing.

[StayWithMe]

It may be, as a previous poster suggested, that your friend is finding work even tougher without you being there. I've been in a toxic work environment before and it's incredibly tough if your friend goes off as your left feeling even more vulnerable. TAF I've also been in your position, but try night to hold it against her. It may be that she's going through stuff and doesn't want to stress you any further by letting you know. Depression a fucker and it does mess with your thinking process.

[StayWithMe]

TBF not TAF.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Firstly if you're anxious about returning to work go back to your GP and tell him you're not ready to return.
Now how true this is I don't know, but i've heard that if your depression and anxiety is caused by your work environment and you can prove it beyond all reasonable doubt then you can make a claim against your employer for failure In their duty of care. But like I said. How true it is I don't know. But with so many lsw suits now. It doesn't seem too far fetched
Some people are able to work find with A and D. Some aren't. And if your GP has said you're not fit to work then with the greatest respect. He should have more sense and realise that it doesn't go away after 2 weeks. This isn't the flu. FGS.
On to your question. I wouldn't make any rash decisions. Certainly not ATM.
I do get your thinking though and that you're hurt and in this life, it does seem that In times of crisis, you find out who your friends are.
There is sadly still s bit of s stigma on MH, and it could be that she feels awkward and doesn't know what to say. She could have her own stuff going on.
By your own admissions you have said she has previously been very sympathetic, so my instincts all though not infallible. Do tell me that she is not a cold hearted bitch who doesn't give s shiny shit about anyone but her self.

[gamerwidow]

I think give her the benefit of the doubt. People find it really hard to know how to deal with someone who has depression. She is probably holding back because she's worried about upsetting you.

[naitimum]

That's tricky OP. I think I'd be hurt by this too, and I suppose as she supported you through difficult times earlier this year, you thought she would support you now too. Did you tell her you were going to the GP and the outcome of the appointment? Maybe she felt left out by not knowing and thought you needed space. The only way to know may be to gauge how things are on your return to work. You may not be able to cut her off completely if you work with her though.

[Mrscaindingle]

In the nicest possible way YABU to end this friendship so suddenly over this although I understand why you are hurt. But depressive symptoms colour how you feel about everything and now is not the right time to make any major decisions. It sounds to me that your friend may not really get what's going on with you, some people don't understand depression unless they have first hand experience.

It also sounds like it is much too soon for you to be going back to work, AD's often take much longer than 2 weeks to become effective and often its a case of trial and error to find the right one, right dose etc. If I were you I would go back to your GP and get signed off for a bit longer.