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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it's ok that I didn't bond with my son straight away?

79 replies

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 17:25

Just that really! It's taken me 5 months to feel a deep bond with my beautiful ds and while I feel guilty about that sometimes, there must surely be other mums out there that felt overwhelmed at the start and struggled to bond a bit! Or aibu??

OP posts:

cailindana · 17/09/2015 17:27

God yes. Newborns are overwhelming and thoroughly horrible at times. It's when a baby starts to really light up, recognise you, laugh and smile that that overwhelming feeling of love takes hold for many people. No need to feel guilty, he adores you no matter what.

Binkybix · 17/09/2015 17:29

I took longer than that probably, but we got there in the end!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 17/09/2015 17:30

It's quite hard to bond with someone that just eats, sleeps and cries ??. Can't remember when I started to feel the bond with DD1 but it certainly wasn't instant. DD2 is 10 weeks and I have definitely bonded with her now but it's a recent thing!

StarlingMurmuration · 17/09/2015 17:35

It took me at least 3 months. Once his colic died down and his cmpa was identified, he stopped spending every waking moment screaming, and then I found him a bit more bearable.

Tootsiepops · 17/09/2015 17:38

I'm due in 9 weeks and I worry about not bonding all the time. I don't feel bonded with my bump yet, and whilst I'm pleased I'm getting lots of kicks if it means the baby is healthy, I don't find the thumps cute or endearing or anything mostly just weird and sometimes painful

PurpleSkyatthewateringhole · 17/09/2015 17:41

I bonded with Ds as soon as I could feel him move (those tiny little movements that feel like butterflies). So imagine how guilty I felt at not bonding with dd. I faked it and somewhere, around 2years into faking it, I realised I really had bonded with her. As long as you get there somehow...

feckitall · 17/09/2015 17:43

I always maintained that you cannot love someone who sleep deprives you and subjects you to unrelenting noise ...it is used as torture for a reason...

KanyesVest · 17/09/2015 17:55

I hated being pregnant with a passion and struggled a lot in the early weeks. I absolutely loved my children but that Hollywood bull shit eluded me for a long time. I warn all my pregnant friends about it.

Misnomer · 17/09/2015 18:01

I didn't bond very well with my second dc. I loved him to bits but I didn't feel the connection that I did with my first and I felt very bad about it. It was at least a couple of years before I felt fully bonded. He's now five and curled up on the sofa with me and that feeling of disconnection and the guilt is now long gone.

MaltaVestrit · 17/09/2015 18:03

i didn't bond with any of mine (3 of them) until they were several months old. I loved them but it was a while before I got that overwhelming 'you will have to kill me before you touch my child' sort of feeling.

I never bond with my pregnancies though, expecting DC4 currently and whilst the kicks are good to know baby is ok I feel like pregnancy is just a hideous thing you have to go through and at the end someone gives you a baby! I have no connection at all to the bump and kicks to the newborn I'm handed.

when they were newborn I went with 'fake it til you make it' - no-one would have known, in fact with the DTs my HV (on week 3) said 'ooh, clearly no issues with bonding here!' when they were still just sleep deprivers and nipple destroyers!

Original poster

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 18:05

Thank you for so many quick responses! looking back now, I'm fairly certain I was struggling with some kind of pnd. My beautiful water birth didn't go to plan, ds wouldn't turn round and I ended up being whisked in for an emcs. I think this affected how I felt towards him at the start. Don't get me wrong, I would have jumped in front of a bus to save his life. I just didn't feel that rush of love I always imagined I would feel. I was exclusively breastfeeding him at first aswell, but after I collapsed in the hall one day due to exhaustion and hardly eating, we decided to combination feed, which made me feel even more guilty and i struggled to bond with him even more.
Sorry I'm rambling on a bit, but I guess I was just trying to make sure I wasn't the only one to feel like this in those first few exhausting months!

OP posts:

AutumnAnne · 17/09/2015 18:06

It took me a long time to bond with ds1. In retrospect I can see I had PND. He will be 20 next month and we are well bonded now. Don't feel guilty, just enjoy him!

WyrdByrd · 17/09/2015 18:08

I had an EMCS and PND and five months is pretty much bang on when I started feeling 'the bond' too.

You are not the only one, and if it helps my DD is 11 now and we couldn't be closer .

Original poster

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 18:08

Misnomer this makes me feel better, thank you!

OP posts:

ijustwannadance · 17/09/2015 18:09

Few months for me. How was I meant to instantly love a complete stranger? I found it all very weird at first.

Original poster

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 18:11

WyrdByrd thank you, the older he gets, the more my "unhappiness" seems to fade, my scar is no
Longer sore so I can walk about with the pram which also helps loads. I remember lying crying in bed one day when he was about 3 weeks old thinking this wasn't what I signed up for! I genuinely thought I would never feel happy again. I don't know if that was pnd or post baby blues, but either way I felt shit lol. But as he gets older it gets easier- as so many people told me at the beginning!

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 17/09/2015 18:12

YANBU! Some people fall in love with their children immediately, others need to get past the squawking alien stage and get to know them as people. Both are fine.

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 17/09/2015 18:17

I bonded immediately with two of my three DDs, and it's made no difference to our long term relationships (they are adult and teens now). Even if you knew there was one I took longer with, you'd never be able to tell which is was from how we are with each other. TBH the one you might guess if forced to pick one, is actually the one I "wanted" most pre ttc, and the one who was easiest as a baby.

It's normal, and a lot more common that people would like to admit I suspect.

horsewalksintoabar · 17/09/2015 18:19

Oh goodness OP....you just said out loud what most women keep to themselves. My second DC was from birth/is incredibly loved...in many ways she's my little pet of my 3. We have a special bond. But in her infancy, though I was hands on, did all the right things, etc, I didn't bond with her as quickly as I did with my other two. It was a stressful pregnancy, one with lots of emergency scans, bleeding... loads of stress at work while pregnant. I wonder if I was just too tired/too afraid to assume the pregnancy would bring about the happy ending I so longed for. OP the years of beautiful bonding, tenderness, and deep, unconditional love will abolish any guilt you feel now. Don't worry and don't be hard on yourself. There's lifetime of love ahead. The greatest love isn't always at first sight.

Embolio · 17/09/2015 18:19

YANBU at all! Lots of people feel this, they just don't admit it.

katemiddletonsothermum · 17/09/2015 18:20

errrrr I took about 3 years to bond with my son.

I absolutely adore him now (he's 8).

Original poster

guajiraguantanamera · 17/09/2015 18:25

horsewalks that made me feel all emotional reading that I am guilty of being too hard on myself but after reading these responses I will try to be less hard on myself and just enjoy my perfect little man!

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 17/09/2015 18:34

As long as you met his needs, both physical and emotional (fake it till you make it) and are now developing that protective bond then no, it won't have done him any harm.
If your lack of bond manifested in a lack of positive attachment behaviour then it could have a longer term impact but at his young age that can be repaired.

Shenanagins · 17/09/2015 18:57

Took me a while as well, don't beat yourself up over it as it is so hard at the start.

sunshinehitme · 17/09/2015 18:58

I don't have a clue how long it took me to bond! I felt very detached from him for a while. He is now 2.5 and the absolute light of my life. Even with the 5am wake ups and constant arguing.

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