To be so conflicted about having another dc

[Inim]

DS is 2. I really really really want another.
Staring at tiny baby clothes in shops is almost a hobby

but I never had a proper job (I worked. Just in shops and bars. Not that that isnt a proper job, bit you know what I mean) I messed up at school and so had to re do GCSEs late then did my a levels late too and was 21 when I got pregnant and havent worked since then. I'm 24 now. The plan was to go to uni but then I got pregnant and decided to not go.

My worry is that if I have another, it wold end up being so long out of work it would be Impossible to get a job, kind of different to women who say have dc after being in work for 10 years and then take a few years out. I'd end up being about 26 and having no experience or anything.
No way can wr afford childcare for two dc, even with tax credits etc the extra on top would be more than I could earn near enough.
I'm going to uni in sept but its not a very good one its just the local one, and the degree is part time over 6 years. Of I had another now, I could use the 6 years to study and be a sahm then they both be at school when I'm done but I'm just worried I'd find it I.possible to get a job.

How do people decide things like this. I'd love a sibling for DS but I don't want to accidentally mess my life up (more than I already have due to be an idiot when yonger)

Adult life and decisions are no fun.

[pinkdelight]

What's your set-up like? are you married? Do you rent/have a mortgage that DH is happy to keep covering? Does he want another baby? Personally I'd start working and do the degree part-time. Even after 6 years you'll still only be 30, but have a career and more options, and plenty of people have gaps after their first baby. But then I've always loved working and felt happier having financial independence. If I was unmarried, however much my DP loved me, I'd be scared of ending up a lone parent of two with no home, income or earning power.

[Inim]

Not married no. We rent a housing association 2 bedroom flat atm its £600/month and is in my name so I couldn't end up homeless atleast.
If I do some insane planning I could possibly do all 3, baby, degree and part time job if it was a very part time job and if dp can change his shifts at work around the hours I work but is that too hard?

[boovmoves]

When I was your age with a dc. I worked 25 hours and studied for my degree at same time. Then when 1st dc was 4 I had our 2nd and have worked full time since then. I then did another degree on top and had our 3rd. All very possible with a hands on partner.

[Unhappyuser]

I didn't work until I was in my late 20s after children and uni and I now have a good job, good salary. But don't have any more children without getting married. If the uni course is not very good then don't waste your time and money doing it

[pinkdelight]

What Boov describes shows it's possible, but also not easy. She must have been incredibly motivated. Does that sound like you? Realistically are your DP's shifts flexible enough to enable him to be hands on enough? Are you happy to stay in the two-bed while you raise two DC with no extra income for a good while? As you say, childcare costs for two are prohibitive. Not insurmountable, but you are definitely limiting your options still further. I'd really struggle to countenance having kids I couldn't pay for (as in, pay the rent myself), but if you feel you have what it takes to do a Boov, go for it.

[Inim]

Dp isnt that hands on tbh, he works 7am to 8pm so isnt around a lot, he does help with cleaning etc but he's a bit... Odd in what he expects eg when I said I was going to uni in September he was complaining that he would get any "days off" if he is using his non working days to watch DS whilst I'm not here. He did soon shut up when I explained that I have DS every day and he's being an idiot you don't get weekly "days off" where you don't have to do anything when you have kids it isn't like that.
I would be doing the majority of the childcare/housework. If I could afford nursery is halpily have another and worm part time but I don't know if I'd be able to afford it and juggle studying, working and having a toddler and baby because in not very organised at all but I do try I can just see that situation ending up in a muddle for me.

[coopernicka]

I started my degree f/t once dd was born and only started f/t work when I was 32, straight into a graduate level job on a good salary. I think the stories about not being able to find work after having dc tend to apply to those without good qualifications so wouldn't necessarily apply if you get a good degree and are going into the labour market as a fresh graduate. I find that I'm in a better position now than many of my colleagues who have stopped work to have dc, as I only started my career really once DD was in school so haven't had any extended time off while they've taken several mat leaves.

I was a single mum of a baby when I started studying and didn't do p/t work, there was enough support in student finance/benefits to cover childcare and other costs. That meant there was plenty of time for studying and to spend with DD despite having no support from her dad.

If you are worried about employment prospects think carefully about your uni choice and subject. I have a local uni which has a poor reputation but travelled a bit further to go to a top 5 RG uni and did a STEM subject which made a real difference to my employability. Don't settle for just the local uni out of convenience as it may effect your prospects long term.

[Inim]

Unhaplyuser- the degree course is fine, its accredited so has to be a certain standard wherever you study it, It's the uni that isnt great, but there isn't a good uni near me, even this one is an hour away.

[IndomitabIe]

I didn't start in my career till I was 27. I worked and studied before then, but not really related to what I do now. (And then had my first DC in my second year of work as I turned 30)

Having children and studying now, aiming to start a career by 30 is not a bad idea. Remember 30 is young when you have to work till 68!

If the course is right, do it! Although if I were you I'd save the second baby for a couple more years! By the time you finish the course, your first will be in school, second will be eligible for 15 hours free (except that might have changed by then) and you'll be able to start a career knowing you'll be taking no more time out and will progress quickly.

[Inim]

Oh I feel like I've really messed up again.
I was off to a really good uni before I got pregnant. Having known dp for a whole 4 months before hand.. FFS.
Now I'm in a big confusing mess that seems impossible to fix. I think I may be a professional idiot

[Gingermakesmesick]

Sounds to me like it's actually a good time for you to have a second.

[IndomitabIe]

I think if the choice for you is between the 'local' uni (an hour away) or not at all, then you're right to choose that one.

People in more metropolitan areas forget that in some parts of the country forget there are places with only one uni in the entire (enormous) county.

If a "better" uni isn't an option for you then the one you've already chosen is better than nothing.

[IndomitabIe]

Sorry I've managed to make no sense there. Hopefully you catch my drift.

[ZebraLovesKnitting]

I don't want to sound doom-laden, but just thought I'd offer a different perspective.

Before I got pregnant with DC1, I was working full-time and studying for a degree with the OU. I was due to start a new module when DC1 was a few weeks old, but deferred for a year as he was premature and had health issues. Eventually scraped through that module, not doing v well at all.

Then had DC2. Was due to start new module again, when she was a few days old. I clung on for 3 weeks before realising that it just wasn't going to happen. I just couldn't give the degree the time and attention I needed to having 2 DC. (I don't know if it's relevent, but the degree was Physics).

Anyway, I ended up giving up the degree. My plan is to now try & go to an actual uni to start a degree again once both DC are in school.

I guess my point is, I've heard lots of amazing stories about incredible people who manage to do everything at the same time (& all credit to them, they are truly brilliant) but I just couldn't manage it. It took me a long time to accept that that was actually ok. (& I believe it contributed to my PND as well).

[sliceofsoup]

Actually, I think you are looking at the wrong thing. What age is your DP? Are you happy with him?

How does he feel about having another?

[pinkdelight]

Can I ask again if your DP wants another baby? The 'day off' mindset you mention sounds more like a young man who wants some freedom in his 20s rather than one raring to add to his financial and emotional commitments. If a bit of childcare for one DC causes friction, it's nothing up to the stress of two little ones. Sounds like you'd have all the childcare and housework, he'd be working long hours, you'd be too tired to work/study and resentment builds... Maybe I am the voice of doom here, but this is how people get stuck. You know yourself. If you can work, study and have two DCs, then nothing should stop you. But there's already an undertow of regrets (messed up again etc) in your posts, which makes it seem like the only thing in the 'pro' camp is the broodiness, which really doesn't stack up against the reality you describe.

[Rainuntilseptember15]

Is there a nursery attached to the college? Some do.

[Rainuntilseptember15]

Uni, sorry. Might be a cheaper option.

[sliceofsoup]

I agree with pinkdelight.

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking "well I have come this far, I might as well continue".

It sounds as though you feel like your life has taken a turn that isn't ideal. DS is a blessing in that, but you need to think very carefully before you tie yourself down with TWO children to a man who still expects days off.

[ZebraLovesKnitting]

What pinkdelight said. That's pretty much what happened to me. I had all the childcare, housework etc. Originally DH said he would support me to study. Turns out that just meant he wouldn't actively stop me. He certainly wouldn't look after the kids for a Sunday afternoon so that I could study.

I ended up trying to get the baby to sleep and the toddler to play by himself just so that I had some time to study. Then realised I was missing out on so much.

[Inim]

Dp is 25. He wants another.
He has two children, our DS and his daughter he had when he was 16, he doesn't see her (long story, not his choice, she is in foster care, have spoken to social worker about it myself so I know he is telling the truth, but he hasn't looked after her since she was 2.)
But not sure what will happen there in the future with contact etc because he never wants to talk about it but another thing to think about is whether having another might make it harder for him time wise if she does ever want to see him? I'd hate to be the cause of that.

[Unhappyuser]

So he already had one accidental child but still you Got pregnant after 4 months? Why isn't he looking after his daughter? Why is she in foster care? Surely the father could take her out?

[Inim]

Ok wow. When I got pregnant it was an accident, I was drunk and stupid yes, but that was 3 years ago now and its not as if I can (or want to) undo it.
No he can't take her out. I'll explain but I don't really see why I should have to.

He lives with ex and his DD, let's call her a, for 2 years. Relationship ended. He continued to see a 2 nights every weekend, and 1 to 2 days during the week.
Ex got a new partner. Who turned out to be an abusive dick. Ex got pregnant, he rnew boyfriend didn't want him seeing a and contact was stopped and a lot of false accusations against dp were made. 3 years (yes. Years) of court battles and fact finding cases later the judge said he should be allowed a to live with him. However during this time a and two siblings were taken into care due to abuse (a was fpund by nursery teachers to he bleeding anx wearing a sanitary towl basically and involved ss ) and neglect from ex and new partner.
Social services arranged contact with dp and a (who was 6 by this point) and dp because as far as a was concenerned he was a total stranger to her, and her mum had told her he was bad and scary. She didn't like him. Didn't want to see him. Last time shed seen him sje was 2 so didnt rber him. This went on for a year no improvements, a hated the contact and wanted to go back to her mum, her mum was telling her if she could come back to live with her but that wasnt allowed obviously. Social services decide that a would be better adopted and dp signed his parental rights away which I think he now realises was stupud,but he thought she'd have a better chance that way being adopted rather than in care.
So technically he has no right to just take her out of foster care, and she wouldn't want him to either.
He does however care about her an awful lot its not like he just dumped her and didn't care! Or he wouldn't have spent so long in court.

[pinkdelight]

I get that it's a long story and you won't want to go into it, but still, it doesn't sound like a great set-up, or like he needs to have more children just yet. I'd worry that you're too dependent on him and would become much more so. I'd definitely insist on getting married before having another baby with him, or there's nothing to stop him going when it inevitably gets more stressful.

Also, I do wonder how much the fixation with baby clothes is intensifying as your uni course looms? It's easier to stick with what you know than do something new and it sounds like you're already talking yourself out of it, saying it's not a good uni etc. But you must see - the first DC has limited your uni options from a good one to a less good one. Another DC would limit you still further, in terms of study time etc. It's doable, and really if it's the right degree it doesn't matter if it's OU or wherever, it's better than nothing, but I'm just wondering if you've got the fear about it doing it at all?

I've banged on too much already, but just try to keep a cool head and not be swayed too much by broodiness and little outfits. Realistically, what's best for you and your DC, long-term?

[pinkdelight]

(cross-posted there,sorry - you didn't have to go into it)