Visiting family(29 Posts)
DH's parents live 200+ miles from us. We visit them twice a year for a few days, and in the summer they come down and stay fairly near us for a month in their caravan.
Normally when they come for their long visit, we have them over for dinner a few times, go on a few days out, and spend a few days down at their caravan site with them. We both work full time so take a few days off and fit in what we can. This works fine.
But ... this year we have our little girl, who we adopted earlier in the year and they're dying to see more of. I'm also in my last few weeks of leave from work so am at home.
I get on ok with them but do find it hard work without DH there.
He has taken one weekday off each week they are here, and we will see them every weekend, either sat or sun, so they'll see us, and LO twice a week for the month they're here.
I suspect that I'm going to come under subtle pressure to see more of them than this because I'm off work, but it's my last few weeks of leave and I really want to enjoy it with LO, do plenty of things just us, as I'll never have this time again. I've also got other friends and family who like to see LO regularly to fit in and I could easily end up pleasing everyone but myself here.
Would I be a terribly unreasonable dil to say that I don't want to see them anymore often than the planned twice a week while they're here, to allow myself time to do all the other things I'd like to with LO before I go back to work?
Feel free to be honest, I've posted here knowing the reputation for taking no prisoners!
Yanbu to see them at the weekends and one day during the week. That's plenty of time together. I'm sure they will understand.
Maybe a little bit unreasonable but I can see where you are coming from. As a compromise I would stick to the twice a week but throw in a couple of extra impromptu visits if and when it's convenient to you or invite them over for dinner once or twice so you have the day to yourself.
I do think it would be nice and accomodating of you to do one extra day each week just you and dd. Maybe pop and see them at the caravan for a couple of hours or similar. Not even a whole day.
It still leaves you four days a week to do other stuff.
Och they are her grandparents and they live a long way away so fairly low demand/impact the rest of the year. I would prioritise them over other people whilst they are here as they live so far.
That said, I would pre-empt and diffuse any pressure by proposing a couple of other days/afternoons out and also do some spontaneous popping in/inviting over or going out for tea (so not to have their company all day). I wouldn't want more "regular" slots.
I would also plan some specific time to have just you and DD and not let that be chipped away.
I do agree that local friends and family who see you and your dd regularly should probably take a bit of a back seat.
Oh you only see them six weeks out of the year, and they seem to be really looking forward to seeing your DD. If it was me, I would certainly make my schedule clear for them. I understand that you're going back to work soon, but that doesn't mean the end of the world, (though as someone who has returned from mat leave, I know how it can feel like that.) Agree with "popping in" and also, how do you feel about maybe letting them babysit for an afternoon or two? Let's you catch up with other things you have to do, but still allows them bonding time with DD
Yabu, let them get to know their grandchild, it's only a month
I should have said that where they stay is still almost an hour from us so not really pop in-able, but I like the ideas of shorter time slots. I hadn't thought of that for some reason! There are lots of nice places to go which would be halfway for us both that I could suggest meeting at for a couple of hours. Thanks all!
The babysitting would be a great idea but is a no for now because of the issue of DD being adopted. She's only been with us 6 months and isn't ready to be left with anyone else yet. That's part of my problem, I think. We're still getting to know each other and building our immediate family bond, and now worrying about building wider family bonds too.
I think you are being U. They want to be devoted grandparents to your DD, twice a week won't enable a bond to form.
I think local friends and family would need to take a bit more of a backseat once PIL are visiting as your PIL don't see you very often. You'll still have weekends (and days you're not working) to do stuff with them going forward.
I'd second organising some meets during the day while they're down. You could meet at a farm/zoo/play park or something, so PIL could spend time with DD but you're not stuck in the house and they could really get involved if they want to (thinking helping her feed the animals, pushing her on the swing etc depending on her age). Meeting halfway for a couple of hours still leaves you plenty of time together too.
I definitely agree with booking in some days just you and DD though, but I don't think that needs to be 5 days a week. The only way they'll get to know her, and for her to get to know them, is to be given the opportunity to spend time with each other.
When are they coming down? I'd start using the time now to do lots of special things with DD too. So you're not trying to cram so much in when PIL are down. Or indeed book some special trips for the first few weekends when you're back at work so you've got some nice things to do already booked in. Maybe meets with friends/family or just something relaxing with just the 3 of you.
If you need to see family and friends with DD, then also start doing this now so it 'frees' up the time when PIL are down.
Congratulations on your little one
I would second the suggestion of meeting up part way at an activity (provided DD can cope). Being outside is less full on and gives stuff to interact with too.
But also, don't agree to anything that would be too much for you or your LO to handle. Have they met DD before? Do you need to set up any expectations regarding GP behaviour before they meet?
(Adopter of 8 years).
Thanks again all. Purple, they're not coming for a week yet, so I can use this time wisely!
Teen, thanks for that. Definitely best to be out and about doing something, they have met her before but it was winter, and freezing cold so we were stuck indoors - hard work. They are pretty good about not overstepping the boundaries to be fair. They don't like it, but understand the need for funnelling etc.
How old is DD? And congratulations I have to agree with other posters that YABU. They travelled a long way and also want to get to know their grand child. I think one extra day a week is reasonable although I know if it was my parents we would honestly see them most days! but I get why you want less.
I think you need to keep your dd routine s much as possible, while letting her slowly get to know them.
Might be worth posting this in adoption as you might get some helpful advice on managing this so that its the best for dd.
Yep, Nikinaki - if if was my parents I know I'd be feeling differently and see them more. It's that pils and I don't get on, just that I am so much less at ease with them.
I do post in adoption sometimes and always had great advice - but I suspected I might need a bit of a slap on this one. DD is doing brilliantly and all my instincts tell me she can cope with a bit more interaction now, just me being a bit selfish with her - I waited a loooooong time to be a mummy
It's NOT that pils and I don't get on, that should be.
She's almost 3 by the way.
I know if it was my parents we would honestly see them most days! but I get why you want less.
And as a grandmother, I would be hurt. That may not be your problem, but it would be the case.
I agree with meeting up somewhere out of the house. That way you can control when you leave and it doesn't turn in to an all day thing, and you can choose somewhere you like as compensation (I don't mean that in quite the way it sounds). The more you have to focus on (cute baby ducks, slides, picnic food, ) the less you'll feel uneasy with them and you can all be distracted by how very lovely your DD is.
Oh and take tons of photos so you can remind them what a lovely DIL you are through the medium of photo gifts...
NannyOgg just to clarify when I made the statement about I see why you want less, it was not because they are ops in laws and not parents, I was referring to the situation of the adoption, so all a bit more new for op.
Now I see the child is 3, I would say now is the perfect time to spend as much time with gps. I think the fact you've admitted you would see your own parents more says it all.
sorry but if you only see them a few times a year then yabvu and quite frankly selfish to want to prioritise your local friends and family more and not see that much of them. Im sure the locals wouldnt mind less contact for the next few weeks. I understand that you both need routine and want to build on the bonding but they are her grandparents who live hundreds of miles away and would probably love to spend time with her. Please let them.
They've already shown how unobtrusive they want to be by having a caravan near you instead of staying in your house. They sound like nice IL who would follow your suggestions about time together.
Is your little one their first grandchild? If so, I think they're being remarkably restrained!
I think this visit is the perfect time for you to think out how you want your GP/P/C relationship to be once your leave is over and work out a schedule with them, so no unexpected surprise visits and predictable days off for you. Agree with lots of photos, too!
Congratulations to you all!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.