To miss good sex? (A bit tmi)

[Justwondering321]

I know this would be better placed on the relationships board, but feel that things might have got a bit quiet on there lately due to recent troll issues.. rolls eyes
I've been with my dp for 2 and a half years, talked about possibly getting married next year .. Sex was pretty fantastic in the first 6 months or so but then started to peter out a bit.. I do have a few insecurities but feel these are getting better with time - however I can't help but miss amazing sex , I mean the passionate kissing - can't wait to get clothes off type stuff.. Since I moved in with him sex is quite routine like everything else (sounds bad to say) .
Last night we were watching TV and a sex scene came on.. It was pretty steamy to say the least and I think we both felt awkward ... I ended up storming off upstairs which made me look like a total idiot!! I'm actually dreading him coming home cos I still feel embarrassed :-/ I think I just felt a bit sad in the moment that I'd probably never have that type of sex again. He came upstairs and asked if he'd done anything wrong. I just said I don't like unrealistic romantic stuff on TV and would rather watch something else.
tmi bit, if you'd prefer not to read then stop now
I think what got me the most was that the scene involved a couple having sex in a toilet cubicle (nice eh?) and 6 or so months into us being together he admitted he was once given a bj in a toilet once in a nightclub (nice again eh?) is this a normal thing to relay to your new gf??? And I think it just made me remember the slight hurt and confusion I felt when he told me that. To be honest I wasn't sure how to react..,
Sorry, for the rant and the tmi.
X

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

There is a new sex topic if you want to have it moved?

Sounds like you need to talk properly about it. If you both want more/different etc, its not impossible. But you need to communicate first.

[cleanmyhouse]

I think storming off and lying about why you did was wrong. Why is it his fault your sex life has waned?

[putthePuffindown]

I'd probably never have that type of sex again
^^ It doesn't sound like you thought it was unrealistic, sounds like you miss it. Next time tell him that instead and then maybe you can discuss how to get back to that?

[AuntyMag10]

Have you even discussed this with him instead of huffing off and expecting him to read your mind. It works both ways, if you aren't happy then you need to communicate this to him.

[ImprobableBee]

Giddy lust is not sustainable. It either grows up and matures into a different kind of passion/desire, or it burns out. A couple considering marriage should know this. YAB a little bit U.

[Justwondering321]

I'm going to try to discuss things with him tonight because I acted like a complete idiot. I have tried, in the past new things, like dressing up, ect but I get turned down so it's hard to pluck up the courage to try again. If I try to talk to him about things I get shouted at, which I find really frustrating.. As all I'm trying to do is talk, not have an argument. :-/

[loveareadingthanks]

Sorry but YABU.

It's YABU to be upset about a consensual blowjob he got well before he met you.

It's weird to storm upstairs and be upset because of a sex scene on TV. It's weird to then lie to your concerned DP about why. This would have been the chance to say you felt a bit sad or upset because your own sex life seems to have got a bit routine and you miss the livlier times, so what shall we do about it. Your sex life as a couple is not his responsibility, it's down to both of you, unless he is just selfish and not interested in what you want.

[peggyundercrackers]

why did you storm off then lie about it? if you want a different kind of sex then you need to somehow broach the subject. men aren't mind readers... if you are not happy with your sex life the only person that can do something about it is you.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

Bit harsh, but then it is aibu. Not everyone finds it easy to talk about sex, even with the people they are having it with. And OP has been rejected before when bringing up new things, which is going to make it even harder.

He doesn't sound very responsive either. OP, does he shout at you often? Do you think the sex issue is indicative of wider relationship issues?

[Justwondering321]

Ugh. Feel like a complete idiot. I'm actually dreading him coming home - maybe I'll just run away lol.,..
So it's normal to talk about the types of sex you've had with casual partners to the person you plan to marry a few months into the relationship? I kind of feel relieved that this is ok, but also feel like a t*wt for it playing on my mind all this time.
He doesn't shout at me often, no. But I have suggested things that I would personally really like to try sexually and it gets brushed off. Then I feel like maybe he had more exciting times in the past before he met me.. I'd like it if we went out occasionally but this gets brushed off too.. I think he feels he can't go out with me because I come across as mental.. :-/
I feel so old, like a baggy old hag, and I'm only 30 (only... Lol ) I mean in the sense I feel like I'm 60 or something .. :-(
I think I need to start considering leaving so he can find someone decent..

[Justwondering321]

Like a nagging old hag, rather

[dominogocatgo]

Sounds like a thread for the new sex section.

[ItsTricky]

It is a bit disappointing once the lust bit wears off. And I can see why the very dramatised sex scene on TV might have pissed you off a bit if you're not getting the passion you want.

There are ways to spice things up but if it's the wild passionate early relationship sex you need, then I don't think you're ready for marriage.

Talk to your partner. Do you think he feels the same?

[breastalanche]

" I'd probably never have that type of sex again. "

This looks like the seed of marital resentment, to me. If you've given up on your sex life together or having good sex already, just because the honeymoon period is over, and are going to hold on the idea internally that you are entitled to better sex with other people, you might have to adjust your thinking completely before you get married.

Avoid sabotaging yourself and your marriage with resentment wherever possible.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

I think I need to start considering leaving so he can find someone decent

Or consider leaving so YOU can find someone decent?

It's not that theres normal and abnormal per se, its more that you have a similar approach and idea about it all. And tbh, it doesn't really sound like you do. And its not something that generally gets better with time, so you have to consider how you are going to feel if its the same in a year, or 5 or 10. Or if its worse, and you're unsatisfied for the rest of your life.

It's ok to want to be happy sexually. It's ok to think of yourself and what you need. And from what you are saying, he doesn't sound like he makes much effort to make you happy either in bed or out of it. You don't go out together? He won't talk to you when you have a problem? This doesn't sound good.

[Silverweed]

Does sound from your posts just now as though there's a bit more going on with you than just missing that 'first flush'. You certainly shouln't 'just feel so baggy and old' - I don't , and I actually am baggy and old. But its not an issue in our sex life or our relationship generally.

Sounds like he iis making you feel uuattractive and unloved - possibly as a defence against insecurities of his own, or maybe thats just how he rolls. But it doesn't sound very loving, and six months actually is quite short for the lust to have died down as much as you suggest it has, IMO.

Maybe you would be happier with someone who was able to listen and talk. DP might become that person, but it would have to come from him obviously.

Good luck OP and please don't put yourself down

[cleanmyhouse]

Actually, so now it sounds like he's rejecting you sexually which makes a bit more sense with the storming off thing.
So you're trying and he's saying no? Does he ever initiate? Is he no longer willing to do things he did before? Or no longer interested in experimenting?

[Justwondering321]

Considering one last ditch attempt, tonight (if I have the guts) I'll do my hair, make up, don my red heels and outfit and see what happens. If he gives me a look as if to say, 'you look like an idiot and this is blatantly about you trying to make up for storming off last night' then I might just consider getting myself sectioned.. At least I'll be in the company of others on the same wavelength and I get food and a bed and pills to keep me sane.
Might have to check out the new sex section..

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

I wouldn't be thinking of marrying this guy if I were you.

[Malenky]

Yes but don't act all hurt and wounded if he doesn't immediately respond. If he comes in wanting a sit down and a moment to watch the TV he will just give you a sort of bemused look and you'll strop off and make it all worse. Just ease yourself into it and don't take it so so so so seriously, sex usually comes when you feel really happy with each other and have had a nice day, not when you try to force it. Maybe give him a massage after his day of work and see if that leads to sex?

[Justwondering321]

cleanmyhouse not willing to experiment. Or do some of the things he did before. It was like I had a small breakdown during sex scene, I had to get out of the room.. Just keep thinking; he must want that, as he is a man with a sex drive, who's had plenty if casual sex in the past, but I'ts not me he wants it with. I thought, if someone younger and prettier just happened to come along he probably wouldn't think twice about another toilet romp.. As long as he was sure I wouldn't find out.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Red heels and make up are not a substitute for communication. Talk to the man!! It's unrealistic to expect your sex life to be 100% plain sailing for the whole of your marriage, so the sooner you learn to discuss it with him the better. And the chances are that will be a relief to both of you.

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

Getting all dressed up is not the way to approach this. It will put huge pressure on you both - and how can you possible have passionate sex when there is clearly a huge issue between you?

You need to sit down and talk to him. You sound very immature, and not ready for marriage at all.

[Charley50]

Hi OP, what do you mean, ' I think he feels he can't go out with me because I come across as mental.. '? Do you never go out together?

I don't think he sounds very nice. it sounds like when you try to communicate with him, he shouts you down, or just can't deal with the conversation. You shouldn't feel unattractive and unsexy in a relationship, and 2.5 years isn't even really very long.

Personally I don't think the cliché of red high heels and sexy underwear is necessarily the way to go right now the way you are feeling, as it can feel very pressurized and you sound like you don't need any rejection at the moment... can you think of a more low-key way of getting sex via being intimate? e.g. just cuddling up on the sofa and having a nice (dirty) chat.

[CelibacyCakeAndFuckThePO]

Don't go from storming off last night to sexy outfit as he walks through the door.

He won't know whether he's coming or going and is more likely to turn you down.

Talk to him. If you feel.he won't respond well or will shout you down,.write him a short but to the point letter.

Dear Fred,

I love you, I fancy you, I want our sex life back. Can we please discuss this?

Worth a try?

You don't sound "mental" (coming from somebody with MH problems who doesn't act the way you are describing) You do sound confused, hurt, a bit chaotic of mind, insecure, a bit childish (not meant nastily)

You need to stop bad mouthing yourself and ask yourself why you feel like this. Is it him? Does he put you down? Is it your past?

What's good about your relationship?

You're going to spend the rest of your life with this man. Either resolve it or reassess the relationship and move on if necessary.