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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my husband he can't go?

82 replies

cookielove · 17/10/2014 20:21

Hello, bit of background, my husband and I usually have a relationship where we don't ask each other permission to do things but we do discuss engagements and whether one or both of us will attend.

Ok so we had ds 9 weeks ago, I have done all the nights with him i go to bed around 7-8 for a nap and dh has him till 10.30 - 11.00pm then brings him into me, he goes and sleeps in the spare room. I have ds all day obviously.

2 weeks ago dh went away for the weekend, the weekend after that his mates showed up on the pretence of dropping round gifts but they took dh to the pub for several hours and tonight last minute he went to the cinema leaving me with no nap. Now he wants to go away for another weekend and he must know he is pushing his luck cause he asked if he could go! I haven't given him an answer yet but I really want to say no.

Even when dh is home I do the lion share of the baby care and house work!

Aibu or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/10/2014 20:23

I would tell him to jog on

MadameJosephine · 17/10/2014 20:26

YANBU! Tell him its your turn and you are having this weekend off, cheeky bugger

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/10/2014 20:26

Do you get to have little trips and me time since you had DS? If not tell him so and more hes taking the piss.

Purplepoodle · 17/10/2014 20:27

What do you want him to do?

CaptainAnkles · 17/10/2014 20:27

If you point out that you're doing everything for the baby and are absolutely shattered, would he realise that the nice thing to do would be to stay at home and help? Or does he need to be told he shouldn't go?

Titsalinabumsquash · 17/10/2014 20:28

I would ask him if he thinks he should go with one of those looks and a certain tone of voice but then again I'm a PA cow when I want to be.

In all seriousness though, you are well within your rights to not only tell him you'd rather he didn't go but to also have a chat about the division of free time that is happening atm, it's hardly a fair split.

amyhamster · 17/10/2014 20:28

I would start booking nights out for yourself & writing them on the calendar asap

sooperdooper · 17/10/2014 20:29

When do you get your night out/weekend away??? Cheeky bugger, he's taking the piss

Rebecca2014 · 17/10/2014 20:29

You sound like you let him get away with everything so now he is taking the mick.

grocklebox · 17/10/2014 20:29

I don't think telling each other what you can and can't do is ever a good idea, you don't own him or control him (and vice versa).

But then I don't think this is your actual problem....which is that you feel he is not taking a proper share in caring for his child. Talk about that properly instead.

LokiBear · 17/10/2014 20:29

Tell him you need him at home with you and the baby. It isn't no but it is letting him know what you need.

Iggi999 · 17/10/2014 20:30

If he works during the week you'd think he'd want to actually see his ds at the weekend. Babies change so fast.

azurepapallo · 17/10/2014 20:30

YANBU (not even a tiny little bit)

He needs to be spending more time with the baby on his own at weekends (just bringing him to you for feeds if bf)

Original poster

cookielove · 17/10/2014 20:31

I want him to stay home and start pulling his weight. I think I've made life to blooming easy for him and now he needs to pull his finger out and help!

Although to be fair he did say I should go away for the day and he would look after ds but I don't want to be away for the whole day yet, I just want him to help more!

OP posts:

ithoughtofitfirst · 17/10/2014 20:32

Say no. It's a terrible idea.

gointothewoods · 17/10/2014 20:33

Is it a timing thing? i.e. are the weekends away stag parties or something similar that means that he doesn't have a say regarding dates? The cinema thing is a bit rich - last minute random things like that are surely to be approved by both partners IMO.
To be honest none of what you say seems really awful to me, friends bringing him out for pints for a few hours is what men do for their male mates (leaving darling wife at home with baby).
If you're anything like I was after PFB was born, I hardly noticed he was there to be quite honest!

Owllady · 17/10/2014 20:36

Did he have to go away for a weekend when your baby was 6 weeks old?

RJnomore · 17/10/2014 20:39

"what men do for their male mates "

Which men are these??

Op I think you would be quite within your rights to say no and also to say you are peed off he has put you in Thr position where you HAVE to say no.

Oh and it's time he did a night. High time.

skylark2 · 17/10/2014 20:41

I think you need to say "look, I don't expect you to be here every day or every weekend, but you've left me alone for the last three and now you want to do it for the next one too, this isn't reasonable."

Owllady · 17/10/2014 20:42

I hare ppl justifying stereotypical male behaviour
If the op was going out getting pissed in the afternoon, was going away on weekends when baby was a few weeks old. The reaction would be very different

Ok. I think you h e been too kind for whatever reason. But he needs to help you at night, he does not need to sleep in the spare room
This is not the 1950s
I

notagainffffffffs · 17/10/2014 20:47

Say no! Ds will only ve this small and tiring for a short amount of time, thrres plenty og time in the future for him to go away with his mates

notagainffffffffs · 17/10/2014 20:48

Also he should be helping at night

museumum · 17/10/2014 20:49

what is he doing away for the weekend? if it's sport or events like weddings or stag dos then maybe i'd be ok with it but my dh did not go away at all for the first year of my ds's life (neither did I) except for a couple of individual nights for work. I was first to go away for a weekend two weeks ago. dh felt that was my right after ebf-ing so doing all the night feeds and doing more childcare as I work p-t.

My dh knew i needed him to cover the 8pm to midnight slot. He also knew how much I relied on him taking some of the strain all weekend. Does your dh feel like the baby is 'your job'? does he feel needed in terms of baby care? Some couple work very much with the mother doing the vast majority of baby care, we didn't, we share what we can (outside of the six months ebfing and my working less hours).

Original poster

cookielove · 17/10/2014 20:54

He just text saying he was grabbing dinner, I said it better be fast food, he said it was nando's so I text back saying he couldn't go. I am so pissed off!

OP posts:

BolshierAyraStark · 17/10/2014 20:56

Oh dear, time for you to sit him down & do the 'grow the fuck up' talk.

Either that or tell him to fuck off...

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