to be annoyed with mum interfering

[DragonFlyx]

I wrote about this on another thread but I'm really losing my cool about it, maybe it's my hormones but I've had to put up for so long with my mum interfering with everything. I'll list you off a few recent things...

It's my daughters birthday next week and if pretty much bought everything, she's rang to say she's bought all the party food and when do I want it, I explained I already had it and she's now insisting I need to take it off her hands. As gifts she's also bought things I asked her not too, because of room or the fact the things are just too old for her that she won't bother for a while. Argh! last year she didn't want too many children at dd's party And said it should be a family thing for a few years, even trying to have the parties at her own house. She decided to take an instant disliking to a friend of mine and basically told her 'i don't like you, or your daughter' which this friend hasn't spoken to me properly since.

Insisting on feeding my daughter with McDonalds when she takes her out or comes to visit twice a week, if its not McDonalds its sweets, cakes or greggs! Apparently I'm just controlling with dds diet and let her be a kid, she will even buy her these things and tell me a week later.

Ringing and texting every hour to make sure I'm ok whenever we go out for long periods of time or for the day or a day out.

I'm only 13 weeks pregnant and she's bought everything for my hospital bag although I asked her not too as I don't like this done till the end, I don't want to jinx anything and my oh wanted to do me a nice hospital bag for me and baby, he told her this before and feels like one thing he found meaningful and nice was spitefully taken from him. She also bought loads of clothes when I said wait till 12 weeks, she's decided to tell me Shes bought loads And kept it a secret which is upsetting.

She won't let dd's other grandparents have her especially over night, she will kick off at even the mention and asking why she needs more than one set of grandparents and only those on the mother's side really matter!

I might seem ungrateful, but I'm not, I'm 25 and have had my own house with oh since I was 20, iv worked hard despite her thinking you shouldn't work when you have kids and no matter how many times I tell her to stop, she won't, or sometimes she will make me feel really guilty about it, I know she probably thinks she's doing it out of the goodness of her heart but it's driving me insane :(

[Janethegirl]

I'd try and distance yourself and your family from DM. Also do not give her as much info on your current life and plans so she finds it harder to preempt you. And reduce her contact time with your dd.

[DragonFlyx]

Tried that, she ends up ringing me until I answer, giving me the guilt trip, making mefeel like the bad one until I give in and have her round. I never feel like I can sit and have a conversation with her as she never sits down, she's always too preoccupied with what needs doing in my house, I tell her not to, because I end up going round redoing everything :(

I feel like a horrible person.

[rembrandtsrockchick]

You are not horrible but your mother is!

[Writerwannabe83]

She sounds like an absolute nightmare!!! It would drive me absolutely insane - I just wouldn't be able to cope with that!! Her behaviour and comments are really not acceptable!!

Wharmt does your dad and DH/DP think?

Does your mother have quite an empty life??

You have my huge, huge, HUGE sympathies!!

[ILovePud]

It sounds rather annoying but I hope she means well with most of this stuff. You may not be able to stop her buying the stuff you don't want but you don't have to accept it, let DH buy the hospital bag, her buying one already doesn't mean the world will implode if he buys one too and you use that one. Similarly you may not be able to stop her ringing but you can choose not to answer. As for trying to dictate about your DDs parties and whether she can visit other grandparents, you may not be able to stop her expressing these opinions but you don't have to take any notice. It sounds like your giving her too much power to control your life just stick firm by your boundaries and so what if she 'kicks off' treat it like a toddlers temper tantrum and ignore, if you allow yourself to be held to ransom by this behaviour you'll be setting yourself up for years of frustration and it's not fair to DD or your DH or his parents. Good luck.

[Redhead11]

Screen your phone calls (we do this with DD1 who is incredibly self-centred). Make sure your mother does not have a spare key to your home (my father had one and drove me nuts letting himself in whenever he wanted). You call her when it suits you. If she is at your home, you need to tell her, nicely but firmly, that she is NOT to do anything. It is your home and if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. Remind her that you love her, but your child has 2 sets of grandparents and is very lucky to have them. you set the rules for your child, but i think you have to accept that grandparents will spoil their grandchild to a degree. Your mother may be upset, but you have to stick to your guns with her.

[DragonFlyx]

My father died a couple of years back, they had long split beforehand. Her partner doesn't say much, he thinks she's just doing her motherly duties and I need to be more laid back with it. Theyv been together since I was about 3 so he's not new on the scene and has played a part in bringing me up. Neither work or go out really, iv offered to pay for her to go out and I just get interigated with 'where have you got the money from' or comments like 'well it's ok for you with all that money' and always refuses because apparently there is just no where to go. sigh

[DragonFlyx]

And I understand gparents spoil kids, and Iallow it completely, I just think all this unhealthy food isn't needed. Buy sweets for later on if must, but dd is just as happy with a cbeebies magazine or small toy, because when anything food wise is brought in, she insists dd eats it there and then, when dd says she's not hungry she spends the rest of her visit trying to persuade her to have it.

It's so bizzar, I can't even explain how she is, it's not controlling, I'm not sure if it's really interfering, i just find it frustrating and I love her so much but it has to stop eventually.

[Nanny0gg]

Follow other's advice and stop feeling guilty. You're not a horrible person and if she won't be told you'll have to distance yourself. If she asks why, tell her and keep repeating.

If she still won't listen then you'll have to make a decision.

And it really isn't up to her to decide what the other grandparents can and can't do. I would be very upset if I was them. Stop telling her your plans.

And as to but I hope she means well with most of this stuff. I don't think she does, actually.

[Nanny0gg]

it's not controlling, I'm not sure if it's really interfering,

Yes it is. I'd have been long since given my marching orders if I'd done half of what your mother's done.
She's treating you like a child. Don't let her.

[Woodenheart]

she will kick off at even the mention and asking why she needs more than one set of grandparents and only those on the mother's side really matter!

Thats worrying, sounds like she wants rid of them, because she is unable to control them.

[4umbrela]

Hi

Please don't feel guilty. Hope this doesn't sound horrible but you need to be more assertive with people like this. She is the one who oversteps the mark and if I was you I would have moved house long ago and just answer the phone once a week when you have time. Enjoy your life and your children, don't let overbearing people control you , as you can tell I'm speaking from experience.

[thegreylady]

Gosh I am seen as an indulgent grandma but my dd wouldn't put up with any of that! As for the other grandparents, I hope you ignore your mother and let your dd have the occasional sleep over, regular visits etc. Tell your mum that she will lose out if she continues. Let your dh do your hospital bag and use that one. Take control.

[Humansatnav]

Its controlling, pure and simple. She dresses it up as concern.

[ILovePud]

It's sweet of you to offer to pay for her to go out (though if she stopped spending her money on all the unwanted stuff for you and your DD she could spend that money on going out herself). I wonder if you've fallen into the trap of waiting for her to change and trying to make her change (she probably won't). The only part of this situation that you have direct control over is your behaviour and how you respond to her guilt trips. I know it'd difficult to change ingrained patterns of responding, particularly to a parent but (especially with a new baby on the way) you're storing up more trouble for yourself if you don't tackle it now. It might help to look into some assertiveness training or maybe some counselling to help you manage some of the (IMO unreasonable) guilt you experience around this.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Just because she buys stuff does not mean you have to accept it. Be it food for the party, clothes for your baby or things for your hospital bag just say NO!

She sounds like absolute hell, if she were your MIL not your DM everyone would be asking where her boundaries were! I am flabbergasted that she thinks she can stop your in-laws having your child over night, if you and your DH are happy with it that is all that matters! Her opinions on who you and your children see and what you do are just that, opinions, they don't matter in the slightest.

[taxi4ballet]

It sounds as though she has no life of her own, and is living it through you.

Perhaps she is finding it very hard to cut the apron strings.

[ILovePud]

She also sounds very anxious (ringing to check you're ok every hour) and it's clear that you love her very much but I think it's unhelpful for you to be drawn in offering reassurance around this for her, it will only perpetuate the problem in the long run and she needs to take responsibility for addressing this herself.

[4umbrela]

I have to agree with ILovePud she sounds anxious to me but it just becomes a vicious circle and will continue that way until you make more of a stand. It's not easy when you love someone though.

[MsAstronaut]

It is NOT kind or heklpful to buy people stuff when they have asked you not to and it clearly makes them unhappy. That's what she's doing, and obviously she's not doing it for you, as you've made yourself clear. So who is she doing it for? Her. She is being controlling. She wants to be in the centre of everything, be the most important person in your child's life and make all the decisions.

As for trying to block the other grandparents and pushing out your own friend, wtf? She has serious boundary problems and is behaving outrageously.

Please don't feel bad about finding this frustrating or saying no. What she's doing is making you really miserable. I do know how hard it is to try to refuse this kind of controlling behaviour, especially when the person pleads that they just want to help, are concerned etc. but that is exactly how they get away with it.

Say no. She presents you with hospital bag stuff, say "I did say I didn't want you to buy this stuff for me, can you take it back please." If she won't, give it to the charity shop. She buys party food, say "I told you I am doing that. I'm sure the food bank will have it." As for trying to control your and your child's social life - "No, this is my friend and she is very welcome" / "XX are her grandparents too, just as much as you are, thanks."

I would also make yourself a LOT less available, as others have said you don't have to answer the phone, you don't have to agree to meet up. "I am busy".

I stopped answering the phone to my mum years ago because she REQUIRED that I drop everything and listen to her moan for hours, and after having DC that just wasn't on. Different situation but as regards the phone, realising that you do not have to pick up gives you a lot of freedom.

[LittleBearPad]

She is extremely controlling. By buying the food, the toys, the hospital bag she takes away your choices in the matter.

When she rings and rings is it on your mobile or the landline. I would turn the volume down and ignore but I'm mean

[fairgame]

She sounds like my mother.

I keep my mother at arm's length purely for this reason. She is a complete PITA, know-it-all with selective hearing. She does whatever she wants re DS and doesn't give a flying fuck about what i say. She picks to annoy me because DSIL can get away with ignoring her.

I have to be firm with her which causes her to go off in a mood for a few weeks before the whole cycle starts again. I know it's not malicious she's just bloody interfering.

Don't answer her calls when you are out. Ring her when you are ready and tell her why you haven't answered. She will soon get the message.

Don't tell her any plans for birthdays, christmas until you absolutely have to. This will stop her buying things you don't want. Don't even mention toys that you don't want her to buy. I told my mother not toy buy DS lego last year (he has over 5k pieces!) so she bought him 4 sets . This year there will no mention of Lego at all so she won't even think about buying it.
I no longer invite DM round for christmas morning now as she never used to let me open any presents with DS, it was always her!

The thing about the other grandparents and the hospital bag is plain rude of her. You need to be firm and tell her NO! Don't let her control what you do with YOUR children. She will soon get the message. She may throw a few tantrums about it but it's your life not hers.

I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like she is excited about her grandkids and wants to be involved but has just taken it too far. My mother has a thing about being DS's 'special' and favourite grandma because she is the maternal grandma and i wonder if your mother has the same sort of idea.

[Littlef00t]

Check out the but we took you to stately homes thread under relationships. She is rude and manipulative and has managed to transfer the guilt of you not appreciating this behaviour onto you.

[cleanasawhistle]

My MIL tried to be like this...not buying anything but telling us what we should and shouldn't buy,just a very bossy domineering woman.
I found the only way to stop her in her tracks was to be rude to her which isn't really in my nature but I don't like being bossed about either.
When she would say don't buy that I would say its my money and I will spend it on what I want.
She would insist on phoning the house at 8am every morning to speak to OH.We stopped answering and when she phoned later I would tell her we had ignored it because we are busy getting ready and there was no need for her to ring at that time.She soon stopped.

Don't accept the hospital bag,let your OH buy you one and make sure you show it to her.If she kicks off tell her straight.Ignore her tantrums.

[AgathaF]

She is extremely controlling and manipulative. She is not going to change, so you have to learn to manage her in a different way. Give her far less information about you and your life. Stop answering the phone to her, put it on silent and leave her to it. Refuse the stuff she buys. If she just leaves it at your house, make it clear it is unwanted and will be going to the charity shop.

I hope the other GPs get to spend time with your DD. Your mother cannot physically prevent this happening, so it's up to you to encourage contact.

You need to start to rein this behaviour in now. In time, this is going to become very confusing for your children, and you can be sure that your mother will try to manipulate and control them as much as she does you.