Quite willing to accept might be...it's got step mums in it too!

(77 Posts)
3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 21:43:56

I have a song I've sung to the DC every night since they were babies (you are my sunshine) it accompanies scratchy back (like a stroke/tickle on their backs) all 3 of them have it in turn and it's their two minutes that is sacrosanct and not to be disturbed by the others just before sleep!

DD informed me tonight that this routine has been adopted by step mother/dads girlfriend.

AIBU to think I should be able to keep this just for myself?

Namechangearoonie123 Wed 13-Aug-14 22:42:22

Swallow it.

Being miffed is fine smile, I would be very miffed too.

But the kids come first, if they like it, fine.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:44:07

The story I got was DD (4) asked for scratchy back and the song. Girlfriend them did the same for the other DC. DD (9) said to me oh I don't let her I ask for a book instead.

Of course I want them to feel comfortable and happy with her. But scratchy back and the song is mine!

I don't think I can say anything without looking ridiculous and petty but tbh I do think she could get her own bloody song!

ThatBloodyWoman Wed 13-Aug-14 22:45:43

So the dc's asked?

Sorry but yabu.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:47:01

One of my (only) find memories is my
DM singing it when I was little, usually when drunk hmm

I suppose I just wanted them to grow up and remember it as our thing we always did. Not our thing and dad's girlfriend.

But I did say I'd accept YABU. I'll just chew my bloody fist.

hoobypickypicky Wed 13-Aug-14 22:48:32

So is she as permanent as any partner/spouse might be? Or is she "just" a girlfriend or new to the relationship with your ex?

I really think that the answer to that would make the difference to how I saw it.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 22:49:53

YANBU at all to mind. Anyone would. But she's NBU either if they asked her.
I'd mind a hell of a lot, but I helpfully I don't have suggestions for what you can do. (At least DD9 doesn't want it.)

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 22:53:17

Been together just under a year. Don't live together but seem quite serious. I haven't met her so can't judge but DC like her.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 22:55:31

Do you get on well enough with your ex to suggest she has a different song? I'm a stepmother, and I'd have understood completely. I wouldn't have thought it petty at all. I think it would be mean-spirited to find it petty.

DontPutMeDownForCardio Wed 13-Aug-14 22:55:43

You're being precious. Would you rather she didn't care about your kids?

fairylightsintheloft Wed 13-Aug-14 22:56:46

Sorry but not "everyone would mind". I don't really get this possessiveness about kids - people on here who are upset that someone else saw first steps or whatever. A friend of mine stayed at home precisely because she couldn't bear the idea of a CM having a special role in her DD life - I'm delighted that our CM loves my two and they her, that they accidentally call me by her name sometimes. It shows how well they are cared for and how happy they are in the many hours I am not there. If your younger DD asked for it as a comfort at bedtime, I would be more concerned if it was denied.

dickiedavisthunderthighs Wed 13-Aug-14 22:58:32

Your DC asked for it specifically and she did it. I think it's lovely that she's listening to what they want to settle them before bed. I'm sure there are plenty of SM's around who'd blow a perfunctory kiss and close the door.

Foolishlady Wed 13-Aug-14 23:02:24

It sounds like she's just being nice as they asked her to do it - they must find it comforting - but understand you feeling miffed. Not sure what you should/could do about it though, if your kids like it...

Lucyccfc Wed 13-Aug-14 23:03:47

Sorry, but scratchy back and that song aren't yours -I've been doing exactly the same with my DS for 9 years. Chuck in God save the queen at bedtime and I would think you have been stalking me.

If that's what your children like, want or need, it shouldn't matter. I think it's nice that there step-Mum makes such an effort.

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 23:06:53

Dontpuedown, I think there's probably amiddle ground between not caring for the kids and singing a song which is sung during a special two minutes every night. Wheels on the bus maybe? wink

3stripesandout Wed 13-Aug-14 23:08:44

Ok Lucy....now close your eyes and image DS snuggled in bed and your husbands GF doing it...you don't feel a little twinge anywhere?

If not then you're a better woman than me

wheresthelight Wed 13-Aug-14 23:09:37

YANBU to be a little upset but if your youngest has asked her to do it then YWBU to say anything to put a stop to it.

Look at it another way - how would you feel if your youngest came home distraught because she couldn't sleep without the song etc and dad's gf refused and put her to bed and walked away?

I am a SM and if my DSS had asked me to do something like that aged four I would have thought that he was doing it because he missed his mum and it reminded him of her/got him into his familiar routine, not that he saw me as comparable to her IYSWIM.

I can understand why you would be a little sad though, I probably would be too. All I can say is that it won't mean as much to the SM so hopefully it won't stick for long?

ADHDNoodles Wed 13-Aug-14 23:14:03

Think of it this way. Your children want your song you sing to them because it reminds them of mommy, you. It means they miss you. smile

BarbarianMum Wed 13-Aug-14 23:15:43

It wouldn't bother me at all. She was doing just what your dd asked her to, which I think is rather nice of her.

SallyMcgally Wed 13-Aug-14 23:17:07

It's not possessive to cherish special rituals that are special to you and your child.

wishmynamewasdave Wed 13-Aug-14 23:20:42

I had a similar thing with my Mother-in-law. When I stopped breastfeeding my 25month old I was pregnant, and my daughter replaced feeding with placing her hands under my top on my belly. It continued even after I'd given birth, and still now, a year later.

My lo came home from her Nanas the other week and told me she'd touched Nanas belly. I was so upset! I felt like she has breastfed her, and offered her comfort which should have been mine.

I did tell my girl that belly touching is our thing... but no idea if it went in, and I've no asked or broached the subject since!

I won't be saying anything to my mil though - as far as she was concerned she was just comforting her.

Stupid thing is, when I have my belly held my mil rolls her eyes at me!

Lucyccfc Wed 13-Aug-14 23:34:38

3stripesandout -I would want what is best for my DS. If he wanted my Ex-H's girlfriend to sing a specific song and scratch his back in a certain way, why should I want to stop that happening.

It would be about me putting the needs of my DS above my own feelings.

You asked if people thought you were BU - yes you are I'm afraid.

ThistleDoMeNicely Wed 13-Aug-14 23:37:46

I can absolutely see why it would bother you and I'd want to scratch her eyes out buuuut if you DD asked for her to do it then I can see why she did.

promisedyouarosegarden Wed 13-Aug-14 23:44:48

So a 4 year old asks for a particular song at bedtime, and the woman sings it for her?

That's just subhuman.

ThisFenceIsComfy Wed 13-Aug-14 23:53:05

Your DS did ask for the song.

I don't see any reason to call this woman a bitch like some people have.

If your DD asked for the song then it shows she likes the stepmum and is comfortable with her, so take that as a positive. You need to swallow your unreasonable yet understandable feelings, sorry.

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