to feel very anxious about respite carers (that I don't know) coming in to my home to look after my dc (so I can go out?)

(38 Posts)
Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:29:00

DS recently diagnosed as autistic.

We have never had any outside help and I am scared leaving him with strangers even highly trained ones. The system is that they will look after all the kids (3) to allow us to get out for a couple of hours.

It is a council run scheme. All peoples vetted etc.

I am just scared that he/they will somehow come to some harm (ie especially sexually).

I know well I think I know that IABVVVVU sad But it GENUINELY scares me as ds could not say if this was the case AND I feel like he / the kids are miine to keep entirely safe sad

In a quandry.

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:29:36

Ps. Please do not flame me. I am not trying to be antagonistic just being very real!

woowoo22 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:31:51

Sounds hard. I think you know you're being a wee bit irrational though? How old are all the DC? How many carers are coming?

SaucyJack Wed 06-Aug-14 20:32:50

He'll be fine, you all will. Relax.

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:34:33

I know.

I dont know why either.

Think the news doesn't help with teachers, GP's, pediatricians etc blah blah suddenly being busted in pedophile rings hmm

It makes me feel very protective.

Dc all 10 and under.

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:35:12

plus I am a self confessed weirdo grin

CafeAuLaitMerci Wed 06-Aug-14 20:35:43

<hugs>

How old are your other kids? [would they be able to tell you if the carers made them uncomfortable?]

I think what it comes down to is that to be the best parents you can be to all of your children, the best partners to each other and hanging onto your own sanity, you need a break from being a carer. If you don't have family who can give you a break, then you have to accept outside help and just accept that any kind of abuse is actually quite rare.

It is hard, it's bloody hard x

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:37:16

Hi op

I had a little girl who was fully disabled and terminally ill, I used drop her off to a wonderful lady at her house, so I could go home and have 4 hrs sleep.

She also used to go to a little play group who were all fully trained and even took her swimming.

Lovely sometimes when your at it all day everyday it's really hard to let go I was a complete control freak, because no one could do it all but me.

But not once did I ever have cause to worry, try and relax you've earned this and your son may gain from a new face and a more relaxed mummy, you certainly will.

My mantra has always been martyrs never live very long thanks

Upandatem Wed 06-Aug-14 20:37:31

I hate it when people reply line this to a thread but I wish we could get respite for us.

Anyway, you will become more comfortable with it over time. Stay there initially, do whatever it takes to be as sure as you can that all is ok. And most of all, get a break.

How old are your other kids? How communicative are they and him? Do they know the NSPCC rules about what is and isn't ok?

canyou Wed 06-Aug-14 20:37:58

My friend has carers into care for her non verbal 10 yro, she stayedat the home with them for the first few visits she then left them just to pop tonthe shop or next door for a cup of tea forbthe next few visits and built it up. He ds loves his carers now and she gets to spend 1 to 1 time with her other dc, but thiswas built up ovrr 6 months and she had time to get to know the carers and see her dc interact with them
thanks be kind to yourself and taketime to know your carers

PumpkinPie2013 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:39:04

I think it's always hard to leave your dc with other people especially if they are new to you.

I understand what you mean about the news articles but do try to remember that it is a very small minority of people and the vast majority are totally fine.

Try to enjoy your few hours out and have a well deserved break.

It will get easier to leave them in time flowers

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:40:43

Thanks guys

I think my problem is it is only 10 sessions of care per month so not really much time to get to know carers.

Friend says they are different ones every time sad

You know, I am going to ring them tomorrow and be brave

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:41:32

lol at martyrs never live very long.

How true xxx

mumminio Wed 06-Aug-14 20:42:15

I think you're being very reasonable. This is why I could never leave my little ones in the care of any individual until they were old enough to say no and tell/call me if they felt uncomfortable.

Could you have a friend or relative there to supervise, or put up web cams etc? (obviously telling the carer about them). Or have more than one child/carer present?

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:43:56

mumminio

are we twins wink

CoffeeTea103 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:45:24

Yanbu to feel wary about leaving your vulnerable children in the care of someone else, I think it's totally understandable
The first time will be hard but give it time it will get easier. Take care of yourself too.thanks

Firsttimer7259 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:47:51

I know its hard - we get respite - but you need a break, try your hardest to take it. If you cant shake your feeling do a settling in period. We dropped off 4 year old non-verbal ASD dd at emergency respite care for 48 hrs the first time. I nearly said no - called two professionals I trusted and they helped me understand we desparately needed to take this break and dd would be ok in fact likely to enjoy it. We met them watched them respond to a huge meltdown, and were totally fine having seen them in action for just 15 mins. The question they asked, their reactions everything made us relax.
She goes regularly now and smiles when we pull up in car, looks settled and happy when I drop her off in front room Gives the lady kisses and giives me a huge hug when we get home again. Its saving our family. Please try it

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 06-Aug-14 20:50:56

It is totally understandable you are nervous at first. Just see how it goes and see how you feel about the carers when they come.

It's a shame it's always different people..DD's respite carer has Becker a good friend to her.

I think you may find that some lovely people arrive and you will feel less worried. That has been our experience.

Firsttimer7259 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:52:42

Sorry your scheme sounds very different to ours. Bit pants the carers keep changing. I do think these people are far more vetted than what you'd get through a regular agency. I know its hard with our children so vulnerable, but if you dont get enough breaks you wont make it.

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 06-Aug-14 20:53:02

Err has become, not sure why iPad brought Becker into it.

Loveneverfails Wed 06-Aug-14 20:54:47

lol at becker.

My problem is I am after MARY POPPINS grin lol

Tartanpaint700 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:57:11

I care twice a week for a child with autism. I'm just a normal mum (like many of the other carers) and have been working for my company for 10 years now. Over the years I've worked with a variety of children and I've never witnessed any abuse, just the opposite really - respectful, considerate, positive, endearing relationships. I can understand your concern but maybe you could be in the background for a few weeks until you are happy?

pillowaddict Wed 06-Aug-14 20:58:57

I used to manage a service providing this kind of respite care and please be assured that a registered care service will screen and train staff to a safe level. For the sake of consistency for your son it would be reasonable to request a core group of staff so that you and he could build relationships with them. Makes sense for workers and for you. Also don't feel obliged to leave immediately/use whole time if it makes you feel better to pop in and out or stay in the house for the first few sessions this should be fine for workers, and may help your anxiety.

Ragglefrock Wed 06-Aug-14 20:59:32

I have heard of people getting teddy cam (its a teddy with a camera built in). Not saying it would be a good idea and I don't know about the legality - but could be an option

hollie84 Wed 06-Aug-14 20:59:45

It is hard leaving your children with other people, but the risk is very small. Most people are essentially good!

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