A single girl in the train felt vulnerable.

(50 Posts)

I will try to keep this brief. I can't make up my mind in AIBU or not as this happened to my Dsis.
There was a really drunk man on the train. He almost didn't get on but the mannies were keeping an eye on him. dsis initially had been asleep at the table with her boyfriend and his mum and dad. Her bf then moaned about being uncomfortable and asked Dsis to move. so Dsis moved to a seat of 2 by herself. About half an hour before they got in the man sat beside her and she was really scared. He had previously sat down next to another girl and She said to them all 'omg I feel so sorry for her'.
Bf's mum then gave the man crisps. The man said 'is this tie daughter' and then she said 'no it's his girlfriend'. The man then asked Bf (very politely considering how drunk he was) if he would like him to move. And bf said oh no it's totally fine.
Dsis mentioned when they got off the train that she wasn't entirely chuffed with that response because she very uncomfortable and wanted nothing less that to have a very drunk man dropping crisps all over her. Her bf then went in a huff saying that he could have been beaten up but considering it was the man that asked if he should move then that would be unlikely. Bf's mum then spoke to dsis about how Dsis could have moved and it's not fair on Steven who would have just been avoiding confrontation. Dsis merely pointed out that she was uncomfortable and if the situation
arose the take the drunken man up on his offer to move away from me. The bf and his family are now in the living room and Dsis in the bedroom. Bf's mum says that it has ruined the holiday.
Her bf is coming to bed and Dsis has just heard his mum saying 'now I don't want things to kick off'.hmm
AIBU in thinking bf's mum should just stay out of it?
And AIBU to think Dsis bf should have moved to the single seat himself instead of asking a girl to make herself vulnerable like that?
Background: his mum has a habit of only seeing bf's side of things and telling Dsis she is wrong all the time.
Bf lives with Dsis without contributing to the household as he is a student.
None of bf's family drive but expect Dsis to run them around everywhere. She doesn't then they sulk.
This had been a holiday Dsis and bf had arranged then his family decided to come too, expecting Dsis to pay more towards this. Again Dsis said no, cue more sulking.
Dsis really loves bf. He is a nice guy but the apron strings are very tight and he is in no hurry to cut them. I think she should consider their future as bf's mum would be a 3rd person always in their relationship.
There is the added problem that our mum and dad have both passed away. Bf always asks his mum for advice instead of making decision by himself. Dsis feels rail-roaded into things without having her parents to run things past. Therefore everything they do is always done the way bf's family do things. No compromises. I think that will become a huge issue if they were to have kids.
AIBU to think Dsis should think carefully about continuing this relationship?
It is hard as I want to support her like my parents would but don't want to become overbearing like bf's mum.

Wow! That is long, sorry.

HappySeaTurtles Wed 06-Aug-14 02:52:08

So many, many things wrong with this.

Dsis is NOT bf's property, and as such the man should have asked HER if he should move, not her bf. But we'll stick idiot drunk aside for now.

Dsis, should have spoken up herself and moved if she was nervous or told him to go away. I have refused to share a spare seat with a drunk man before. But if everyone was fine and sharing snack food, she probably gave the impression she was fine.

I'm rather concerned that bf would rather put Dsis in "danger" than to risk getting in a fight. He should not have spoken for her without asking her if she was alright first. If this was DH, he most likely would have told him to go away, but assuming he didn't he'd be making sure that I was comfortable, not catering to someone else. BF's loyalties belong to Dsis first. I expect him to have her back, and her his.

But, eh.. She's dating a mama's boy. I'm not sure what she's really expecting out of this relationship. He's a boy, when she wants to be an adult she'll want a man.

KnackeredMuchly Wed 06-Aug-14 03:29:42

That is the biggest pile of crap.

I can't even begin! She moved, someone sat next yo her, nothing happened and it's blown up into such a big deal that her SISTER is asking for comments on it?

I'm not bothering to read the background, it's got bollock all to do with the fact when the man sat next to her she should have moved back to her PIL table if she wanted to.

greenfolder Wed 06-Aug-14 03:39:43

If she was uncomfortable, she should have just moved. As for the rest of it, its her life

JellyMould Wed 06-Aug-14 03:52:17

Ruined the holiday? Wtf! A drunk but polite man sat next to a woman, her husband was also polite and this has 'ruined the holiday'? I think they should all avoid train travel in future, if it's this upsetting.

musicalendorphins2 Wed 06-Aug-14 04:22:46

Your sister should have said "He may not mind, but I do" . Or she could have said "Excuse me", got up and moved. She may benefit from an assertiveness course or book. She needs to be able to speak up for herself.

Floop Wed 06-Aug-14 04:31:44

How much danger was she really in. In a train carriage with three people she knows there?

I'm in the camp that she should have moved back if she was uncomfortable. There was really no reason for the boyfriend to be involved.

MinesAPintOfTea Wed 06-Aug-14 05:11:20

If she's going on holiday with her boyfriend then presumably she's an adult woman, not a girl. She wasn't single either, her boyfriend and other adults she knew were in the vicinity.

The only thing that could be criticised is her boyfriend not saying the drunk man should ask your dsis rather than answer for her, but that doesn't seem to be what she wanted.

In short, overreaction, move on.

ilovesooty Wed 06-Aug-14 05:20:08

Not sure that drama follows you. Your post sounds as though you might be seeing more drama than is actively there.

No issue here for me either.

Your DSis could have moved as she didn't and didn't speak up I would have assumed she fine (unless I was a mind reader!)

As for the other stuff, she needs to put her foot down if it's an issue.

greenfolder Wed 06-Aug-14 05:59:17

If she was uncomfortable, she should have just moved. As for the rest of it, its her life

googoodolly Wed 06-Aug-14 06:03:49

Wow, what a drama over nothing hmm

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Wed 06-Aug-14 06:17:57

The train situation is fine.

Family inviting themselves on holiday and expecting to be funded and chauffeured is not.

PedantMarina Wed 06-Aug-14 06:30:00

The train situation is not fine. It is a glaring snapshot of the family's priorities and DSis' safety/comfort does not fall within this. Whether she was truly in danger is immaterial, she was concerned. And it is disingenuous to say she was accompanied by three adults: they would all have happily thrown her to the wolves.

The rest of the relationship sounds abusive, sorry. Financially, emotionally. Let this holiday be the wake-up call she needs.

Happyringo Wed 06-Aug-14 06:36:57

The guy shouldn't have asked bf, like your dsis is his property or something! But that aside, does your dsis not have a voice? She absolutely could and should have just moved herself if she wasn't comfortable, maybe her bf assumed that, being an adult and all, that she would have said herself if she was uncomfortable...

As for the rest of it...you don't really say whether your dsis is happy with the relationship, it's more that you aren't. Are you older by any chance? I say this as someone whose parents died quite young and my older sister felt in charge. His family don't sound that fab but if she's happy then it's really none of your business.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 06-Aug-14 06:40:54

Erm, the drunk man sounded fine. The family, not so.

And she is not a girl, but a woman.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 06-Aug-14 06:55:18

Your title is misleading.

londonrach Wed 06-Aug-14 06:56:09

Why didn't she move if she felt uncomfortable. Drunk man asked. She could have responded. He sounds normal. Also she not a single girl she was with three people she knew. Very strange non event and don't understand the Aibu. As for the family if she feels used by them, just leave. She's a adult i take it?

thornyhousewife Wed 06-Aug-14 07:01:13

'vunerable girl?' it was only a drunk person, and a very polite one at that. Your sister needs to get a grip. As for the rest of it, it sounds like they all love drama. Let them get on with it.

sunev Wed 06-Aug-14 07:09:57

Surely if bf was uncomfortable he should have moved, not your sis.

JeanSeberg Wed 06-Aug-14 07:11:24

How is she a 'single girl'?

temporarilyjerry Wed 06-Aug-14 07:20:23

Her bf then moaned about being uncomfortable and asked Dsis to move. so Dsis moved to a seat of 2 by herself.

HE was uncomfortable so SHE moved. hmm shock

I couldn't think how to word title. Sorry if it has offended people .
Yes I am older, considerably older than her. That is the main reason I did the AIBU. I will always look out for her but don't want to be "in charge" as a pp put it. She is a young woman.
I agree she should have either just moved herself or said something.
I get the impression from her that bf's mum made her feel silly for not wanting the drunk beside her.
I really like her bf but he always puts his mum first. Even when our only other relative died, things were still all about him and his.
It is her life and her decision wrt the relationship. It just doesn't seem right that a small complaint/disagreement between the couple should get blown up by his mum and Dsis gets blamed for nothing again.
I try my best to just stay out if it but at times it feels like his family gang up on her. I don't like that.

FrontForward Wed 06-Aug-14 07:34:46

Don't rescue her because tbh it seems from short excerpt of her life it appears she relies on other people to do just that.

However do draw alongside and point out that this relationship is not a good one

My DD is a student and would never sponge on someone else. She gets a grant.... Your sis deserves more but she has to go and get it

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