to feel so overwhelmed?

[lonelyhermitmum]

I have NC'd for this as I don't want my MNet friends to know how pathetic I am

I have a much longed for dd, 15 weeks old, who I am very grateful for and love very much.

I just feel so completely overwhelmed with life at the moment and I can't see any way out. DD seems to be to be quite a high needs baby. She will only amuse herself in the bouncy chair for 5-10 mins at a time before she starts screaming. I find it difficult to get even little things (like cleaning my teeth or going to the loo) done. She seems to get bored very easily and needs constant play and stimulation. Due to sleep deprivation I am struggling to give her so much attention all the time, I have little patience as I feel so on edge, and my lovely dog gets so little of my time any more .

She sleeps for 30-60 minutes around four times during the day, but during this time I am running around doing housework and washing. I am very house proud and really want dd to live in a clean and tidy home. I have a cleaner who does a couple of hours a week but there is always so much more to do. I use cloth nappies as I have read somewhere that they are best but they are so time consuming to rinse, wash and dry etc. I would love to go back to disposables but I think i'd feel guilty.

I have had PND and though I feel a lot better I still feel quite down most of the time.

My partner works long hours, and is usually out of the house for over 10-12 hours a day, so he normally doesn't even see dd or can help during the week as she's in bed when he leaves and gets home.

I have become very reclusive, as I am too scared of leaving the house and messing up her nap routine - she then becomes very difficult when we come home and sleeps badly that night. It's like a military operation getting ready to go out and i'm so tired anyway that it just isn't worth it. I don't know any other mums, and I am a real introvert so struggle to meet people - I don't know if people would understand about the PND and how difficult I find things. I wouldn't want them to think i'm a bad mum.

I know this all probably sounds very normal to some of you, but i'm just finding it so hard. I look to the future and see 4 month sleep regression, teething, terrible twos, tantrums, potty training problems etc in front of me and it just makes me want to cry. I would love more children but the thought of having a newborn and a toddler seems impossible. If I can't cope with one child, how on earth could I ever have two?!

Thank you for reading my novel

[ROARmeow]

Have a

You are not alone. Seriously up and down the country there are hundreds of women who feel/felt the same. I most certainly was one!

Take it a day at a time, don't rush yourself to be 'perfect', don't compare yourself to others.

Do you have support in real life? A partner? Good family/friends?

You actually sound a lot like how I was after I had DC2.... If you're struggling with the washable nappies (like I did!) then get rid of them. Your baby won't care a jot and approx 2 years down the road when she's toilet trained you'll wonder to yourself what you were beating yourself up for.

[MizK]

I would advise two things. One, go onto disposable nappies don't wear yourself out over this it really isn't worth it if it's adding to your yo do list. Two, don't feel ashamed of feeling like this. It isn't just you who struggles, believe me. I identify with the need to have everything clean and tidy but it seems that your high standards are exhausting at the minute. Really, truly, you must relax the perfectionism for the time being. There is a world of difference between immaculate and messy...inhabit the space between the two until you are getting enough sleep.

People really underestimate the difference that getting enough sleep makes to mental health and happiness. Don't beat yourself up because you're shattered and finding things tough. Things will get infinitely easier especially if you give yourself a break. Although your DH is very busy perhaps there are ways in which he can help if you talk to him about this. Good luck x

[lonelyhermitmum]

I have a DH but due to working long hours he can't help with dd during the week. The weekends are great because he can have her so I can get things done and have a nap etc.

My dad is the only member of my family close by. He comes over sometimes but doesn't help out. In fact I think it makes it worse really as I end up running around getting the house ready and making tea and food for him when he's here. Some of my friends work during the day. I have a good friend who is retired and lives close by but i'm often feeling too down to see her. I don't want to admit to her how bad i'm feeling. Maybe I should.

[ROARmeow]

Whereabouts do you live, OP?

Are there mother and toddler groups near where you live? Some people hate them, but others like them as it helps them to mix with other mums.

I live near Belfast, NI. If you're anywhere near there I'll be your friend :)

[Namechangearoonie123]

I'm sure someone has already pointed out to you that you're supposed to sleep when she does so that you're not sleep deprived.

I've never rinsed nappies either, just thrown them in the washing machine.

[lonelyhermitmum]

Your last sentence made be cry ROAR . I am unfortunately nowhere near Belfast. I'm on the Sussex coast.

I think there must be loads of baby groups here but I think i'd find it all too overwhelming. I'm a real introvert and struggle with meeting people and social situations.

[Wilberforce2]

I completely get how you are feeling, my dd is 5 months and I also have PND it's just shit. I am feeling better day by day but I have massive anxiety over dd's sleep and naps so much so that I don't want to go out in case I disrupt everything. I am thinking about joining a baby group just to force myself out of the house. I do get how you feel and I just wanted to say that it does get better, I'm almost starting to feel normal!

[Thurlow]

[tea] Lots of [tea]

It is so hard during the first few months, especially when you are so tired. Don't feel guilty for feeling tired, stressed and on edge. I promise that is normal. It sounds as if your PND is still there, and someone else with good advice about that will be along soon.

But I had a couple of suggestions that might help on a more practical front

Cleaning - can you write down what you are doing on a daily basis, perhaps try and take an overview of what does and doesn't need doing so regularly, maybe change what the cleaner is doing so it is focusing on what you are most concerned about? It is difficult changing your standard, but for the first few months it is all about just getting through the day. As long as there is food and clean clothes for everyone, and no surface is an inch thick in dirt, everything else can wait. The windows do not need cleaning

Nappies - sod the reusables. Get onto disposables. Yes, cloth nappies are a lovely idea but they do need a lot of washing, and in the wider scheme of things, if you are stuck for time, they would be my first thing to go.

Getting out the house and naps - I feel you on this one, DD loved a routine as a baby and went mental if she didn't have the right naps. Can you try and work out very roughly when she does want to nap, maybe not specific times but roughly how many hours she can stay awake for? Then have a look at baby groups nearby and see if any fit in timings wise. I used to make sure the changing bag was packed the night before, then in the morning after the usual few hours to get us both ready, we'd head out for a baby group but go the long way so that DD would fall asleep in the pram on the way their. Or if the baby group is earlier, she would fall asleep on the way back.

Even if you don't fancy any baby groups, a walk or two a day will really help.

(I also made friends online through MN and, dare is say it, NM - but they were less pressured, just found people online, agreed to meet for a coffee etc)

Another thing I wanted to mention - I look to the future and see 4 month sleep regression, teething, terrible twos, tantrums, potty training problems etc in front of me and it just makes me want to cry.

It's so easy on MN to only see the bad things that can happen with children. People come on and post when they have problems, not when things are going well. I promise you, not all babies have regular sleep regression. Not all babies suffer a lot with teething. Not all toddlers have epic tantrums. Not all toddlers are difficult to potty train.

I used to scare myself silly looking forward at all the problems other Mnetters were having with older babies but actually, very few of them ever occurred. So please stop reading those bits and worrying about it!

[lonelyhermitmum]

I would love to sleep when she does but there's always stuff to do that I can't do when she's awake - and whilst it's not 'life and death' stuff as such, they are important to keep the house running e.g washing (or dd wouldn't have clean clothes and bedding), litter tray, feeding the cats, feeding the dog and giving him his medication, taking the bin out, doing online banking stuff, loading/emptying the dishwasher. These things all need to be done and there's no one else to do them. Most can't wait until the weekend. It wouldn't be fair on DH to leave things until he gets home as he works long hours and is just as sleep deprived as I am.

[manchestermummy]

Your baby's tiny: give yourself a break. Have a , and a big bunch of from me.

I can be introverted too, but with a baby, you have a ready-made icebreaker for baby groups: all you need to do is find something to comment on - "how old is your baby? What a lovely outfit he/she has on/What a lot of hair"" etc. etc. I know it's hard to make those first moves but once you've done it once, you won't look back.

Also, get out and about as much as you can. I walked to the next town every day on maternity leave. I had a coffee there some days, and then walked back. The walk was good for me in all sorts of ways. If your baby's not sleeping while you're walking, commentate on your journey .

Do talk to your DH. He may not realise how you're feeling.

[lonelyhermitmum]

You sound like me Wilberforce

Thurlow thank you so much for such a long and thoughtful post. Your advice is good and much appreciated x

[manchestermummy]

Oh and you can do "stuff" while she's awake: an inflatable nest was a Godsend for me with DD2 (who sounds much like your baby). Plonk the nest in the middle of the room and do your stuff. She'll probaby enjoy watching you. That's entertainment at 15 weeks!

[ROARmeow]

No idea where Sussex is, but sorry, OP for making you cry!

You'll find a routine that works for you and your family. Really you will.

Take it day at a time.

breathe

[BrokenCircleBreakdown]

Have you tried putting your dd in a sling lonely - it was the only way I could get stuff done/get out easily with mine. I found using a sling quite liberating, and all my 3 dss loved the closeness

[lonelyhermitmum]

Where did you get it from manchester? Sounds fab.

[lonelyhermitmum]

broken she does actually like the sling, but for some stupid reason I only use it when I go out (which is rarely!). I should use it around the house more often!

[manchestermummy]

It was this one: www.preciouslittleone.com/product-information/119/25018/galt-toys-triangular-playnest-(farm)/?gclid=CNmdjr2u_L8CFcrjwgodgmkAHg

We were actually given it, but it looks like you can get it from a few places

[ROARmeow]

I was just about to mention slings!

Is a treasure trove of possibilities!

I used a stretchy wrap when my DC were the age of yours, then moved onto a ring sling when they were bigger. DD is now 2 years old and I still use a buckle carrier for her when we're out and about.

read this

[Picklepest]

Washing? Do when she's awake. I found doing jobs helped if dd was in chair as watching me entertained her better than me using that time to sit down.

Baby's are harder than they look. My first scared the shit out of me. It was a bit easier with second. More practiced I guess. Much of it is practice. Seriously. I've had to learn how to pack/prepare us to get to x location by y time with z results . It's difficult but with practice it gets better.

It is important you admit how you feel. Don't stop doing that

[lonelyhermitmum]

Thanks! I think dd will love it

[RiverTam]

my most basic suggestion would be to let the housework slide, your cleaner will be doing enough and your baby won't mind or care. But if that's hard for you to live with (I'm not houseproud at all but I can understand that if you are then living in a mess will bring you down) then could you up the cleaner's hours?

Ditch the cloth nappies, or could you sign up to a cloth nappy laundry service?

Try to leave the house at least once a day, even a trip to the supermarket will get you out there with other people.

Invest in a sling (see if there's a sling library near you) - obviously they are not for everyone but if they work for you then you can be getting on with some house stull and your baby will be content being close to you.

just a few thoughts. I found it very very hard in the early days.

[lonelyhermitmum]

ROAR I have this one:

slumber-roo.co.uk/product/127/boba-wrap/boba-/wraps-amp-specials

[yummymumtobe]

Don't worry so much about the cleaning. By all means be clean and hygienic but don't stress about putting things away all the time as you will only get it all out again. Try and get into habit of just doing one tidy at the end of the day after baby is in bed (or at least is down for a few hours!).

Try and get out and about, it will make you feel so much better. There will always be someone who has had less sleep than you and you will realise you're not alone, it's the same for all of us! Don't worry about naps and things. With no 2 I never really tried a nap schedule and one seemed to develop naturally. Babies can always sleep in the buggy too.

I don't really like the term 'high needs' baby, unless the baby actually has special needs. All babies like to be given attention, fed and played with. Calling a baby high needs suggests that they are somehow too demanding but they aren't. They are allowed to be demanding while they're tiny x

[CultureSucksDownWords]

I was fully intending to do cloth nappies, but after a horrible birth and first week in hospital it became an irrelevance. We decided to use the Naty disposables as they have less of an effect on the environment. You could also just use disposables for a few months and then swap back to reusables when things are less stressful.

With getting out of the house, could you just get out each day for a walk with your baby in the pram? I'm also v antisocial but I did find getting out into the fresh air and sunshine is helpful for mum and baby. You could just go round the block if you're worried about times and routine.

I also went to baby activities (a music class, baby sensory type things). Because they are organised around a specific activity you don't need to chat if you don't want to, as you're busy doing whatever. I also made a conscious decision in advance not to go if I was feeling overwhelmed and not force myself. However, I found I usually did go unless I'd had a really bad night.

I also think you should talk to your retired friend about how you're feeling. Could she not come over to you rather than you go to her?

[BrokenCircleBreakdown]

I would-especially if your dd likes it

So much in your posts resonates with me-I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Agree with others who say ditch the washables-I used them with DS1 but looking back have no idea why I put myself through all the work! I did sell them on ebay a while ago-maybe you could do that at some point and use eco disposables like bambo nature as a compromise.

Hope things get easier for you soon