...to think that just because no-one's complained

[twofingerstoGideon]

Just because no-one has complained about your behaviour doesn't mean there isn't a problem with it.

I'm always amazed at the threads on here where people think their loud music, barbeque smells, bonfires, cigarette smoking, etc., are fine because 'no-one's complained'. The threads that insist 'my garden/house, my rules...'

Have some consideration, folks, especially if you live in a terrace/flat/semi/anywhere else where your neighbours can see, smell and hear you.

AIBU? Obviously I don't think I am!

[Crinkle77]

You do need to be considerate of other people but you can't spend your whole life worrying about every little thing you do.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

YANBU. British culture still being on the repressed side of normal, few people summon up the nerve to complain about anything. Instead of articulating the problem more choose the 'anything for a quiet life' option, seething behind the net curtains & swallowing ADs down with the cuppas. So just because no-one has complained, it doesn't mean you're in the right.

[OneDreamOnly]

Works both ways.
You can't hardly stop your neighbourhood to have a BBQ because if the smell, to smoke (smell again), t

[WorraLiberty]

Well there are plenty of really easy going people who wouldn't mind any of those things...although you wouldn't know it to read MN at times.

So actually unless you do receive a complaint, what's the point in never doing any of those things?

[OneDreamOnly]

To listen to music in their garden (not too loud).

So YY to be respectful of your neighbours and YY to learn and accept that people might do acceptable things you don't like.

[mumblechum1]

YANBU. We often used to have to come inside as the garden was unusable with 5 barky dogs and a cockerel on one side, and a very shouty, aggressive family on the other.

They have all moved out in the last few months but when it was a cacophony I didn't complain, just inwardly seethed at the lack of consideration.

[twofingerstoGideon]

You do need to be considerate of other people but you can't spend your whole life worrying about every little thing you do
True, but I am not suggesting people should 'worry about every little thing'. I'm suggesting they think before they do things that have potential to cause annoyance. (Neighbour who lights chimenea/bonfire 2-3 times a week - I'm looking at you, for example.)

[EarthWindFire]

I get embarrassed about complaining about thinks... My DP is a complainer and will do so if needs be. It is often a bone of heated discussions

[OneDreamOnly]

YABU if what you are referring to us having a BBQ though. Or smoking in your own garden.
Or letting your dcs aying at 11.00am etc

[chockbic]

It's weird isn't how we generally respect the social norms and rubbing along with each other. Except when it comes to a person and their home.

I've actually had the 'It's my house, I will do what I want' line...

[twofingerstoGideon]

So actually unless you do receive a complaint, what's the point in never doing any of those things?

You see, this is the attitude I find questionable. I live in a Victorian terrace. There's someone who regularly plays loud music in their garden. I know it's several doors down to the left of me, but I actually can't tell which house it's coming from. Who shall I go and complain to? What I do know is that when it starts, the neighbours within my view all close their doors and windows to try and block it out. Why should they have to?

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I hope my neighbours ever use MN, I love their teen daughters music and I enjoy being out my garden while she has the music up full.

[BomChickaMeowMeow]

It also works the other way round. Just because someone else had complained it doesn't mean your behaviour is unreasonable. Their complaint may be unreasonable. Which is rather the point of AIBU.

[WorraLiberty]

I do understand what you're saying OP...that we should all be considerate of our neighbours.

But one person's idea of considerate, is often very different to another.

For example, when my neighbour warned everyone he would be lighting a bonfire at 8pm, my other neighbour said he was a selfish bastard because she'd only just hung her washing out to dry overnight.

I think he was very considerate - she however doesn't.

[chockbic]

Makes me wonder if people aren't aware or if they just don't care.

I'm not talking about one off things. It's the repeated nuisance, designed to annoy.

[twofingerstoGideon]

An occasional bonfire lit after giving due warning to neighbours is acceptable.
Chimenea several times a week and only yards from neighbours' back doors isn't.
Isn't this common courtesy?

[Icimoi]

Yes, I'm a bit surprised at the number of times a complaint about thoroughly inconsiderate behaviour is met on MN by a response along the lines of "YABU, it's perfectly legal and none of your business". Just because something is legal doesn't automatically make it either right or polite.

[Vintagejazz]

YADNBU. Very often people know bloody well that they're annoying their neighbours but excuse themselves by saying 'oh well, nobody's complained about it'.

It's very unfair to put the onus on your neighbour to come knocking on your door about stuff. It puts them in a very difficult position as most people dislike confrontation and no one likes to be seen as a complaining grump. Also a lot of people are becoming increasingly reluctant to make direct approaches to neighbours about various issues because you can no longer be guaranteed a polite and considerate response. More often than not you get a defensive, rude or disbelieving attitude which makes the unfortunate person feel like shit.

[WorraLiberty]

Yeah that would get on my nerves I must admit.

But then again, I'm a polite but firm complainer and touches wood if I've ever had to complain to a neighbour, they've taken it on board with good grace.

Some people aren't so lucky with their neighbours I guess.

[twofingerstoGideon]

It's very unfair to put the onus on your neighbour to come knocking on your door about stuff.
Yes, this is what I mean.
Also, in my experience, some anti-social behaviour leads to more. Years ago I lived in a converted house. Everyone was pretty quiet, although like most conversions, we were aware of each others' comings and goings. Loud man moved in his 100 watt speakers and within a month or so everyone was playing loud music in an attempt to drown out their neighbours' noise!

[chockbic]

Some neighbours feel entitled to do whatever they want, and probably realise there won't be consequences.

[Anarchy99]

The problem with "common courtesy" though is that, as one of the examples above shows, what is acceptable to one person isn't to another.

For instance, I never complain to my neighbours about the noise (upstairs bloke rows with his DP all the time and downstairs has the noisiest child on the planet!) because I am aware that my alarm is very loud every morning. Therefore, if they don't complain about me, I don't complain about them.

there is often a noise thread where, eg, someone complains that neighbour's music is too loud and is waking the children up - fine. As long as they don't then mind the neighbours complaining if the children are making a lot of noise early in the morning.

Whilst I am the least tolerant person ever, I do tend to use the "live and let live" motto as much as possible.

[twofingerstoGideon]

A degree of 'live and let live' is fine. I wouldn't argue with that. But I think there are some things that are common courtesy/universally un/acceptable. For example, I don't know anyone who would think it was okay to let out a loud fart in the workplace, or pick up someone else's phone and use it without permission. These are normal social boundaries and I don't see why boundaries around noise, etc., can't be observed in a similar way.

[SweetsForMySweet]

YANBU. I hope think that the whole bbq nightmare neighbours are few and far between thankfully and the exception to the rule rather than the 'norm'. There is a big difference between being considerate and 'worrying about every little thing' imo. Just thank your lucky stars that your own neighbours are thoughtful I guess.

[Anarchy99]

For example, I don't know anyone who would think it was okay to let out a loud fart in the workplace, or pick up someone else's phone and use it without permission

Those may be "common courtesy" but I know plenty of people who think that is acceptable behaviour and wouldn't see it as outside normal social boundaries. There are very few hard and fast social boundaries.

I think you can only complain if you can guarantee not causing a similar problem yourself. Like my example about the loud music/noisy children in my pp, the issue is that one person complains about the music, the other one complains about the children, and, whereas it would be nice if the result was that everyone was a bit more thoughtful, it is more likely to be that the same thing continues, just with added resentment, iyswim.