To feel sorry for myself

[Knackeredmum13]

And a little miffed with DH for going out?

We have a baby so going out together is a rare occurrence. DH goes out quite frequently but my social life seems to revolve around daytime activities with babies these days. If I go out at night it has to be pre planned a while in advance. Partly because I need DH to be home from work to look after the baby, and partly because most of my friends also have babies or else don't live close enough for spontaneous meet ups.

DH has been saying how much he has been looking forward to this weekend to spend time with me and DS as it's the first weekend in ages where we haven't had anything on. I mentioned watching a film together tonight after DS had gone to bed and I thought he'd agreed.

All day I have been saying to DH that I really fancy going out tonight, that I wish we had a babysitter etc. We don't have anybody so we both knew it was wishful thinking and that we would have to settle for a bottle of wine on the sofa. However, DH's friend then texted him and asked if he fancied going for a pint tonight and DH has gone.

So here I am sat in by myself for the 3rd night this week. I feel a bit miffed at DH because he knew I fancied going out but can't and he has just been able to toddle off at the drop off a hat. It feels a bit insensitive. Plus I'm a bit hurt that he jumped at the chance to go out the moment his mate text him. I could have asked him not to go but what was the point? He obviously preferred the idea of seeing his mate than spending the evening with me.

So AIBU? Prepared to be told I am but I must admit that after being on my own with a baby all day during the week I do really look forward to evenings and weekends when DH is around. So another evening on my own this week does make me feel a bit lonely.

[grocklebox]

yabu. Get a babysitter like the rest of us do.

[wonderingsoul]

Ynbu.

I think he was out if line you two had had plans he even said he was lookimgnforward to spending time with you.

It was selfish.

I can offer cyber hugs and wine though. X

[MostlyMama]

Oh don't be a cow Grockle, no need for a comment like that.

[Knackeredmum13]

It's not always easy to get a babysitter. No family or suitable friends nearby.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I called off my engagement to DH and went gallivanting up the the town with my male neighbour the first and only time he tried to do this.
This was 14 years ago so you get the gist of how I feel about 'men' who fuck you off for a better offer

[Knackeredmum13]

I'm not overly bothered that we aren't watching a film really. I think it maybe just feels a bit like his life is continuing on as normal, whilst mine has changed. In the pre baby days I would have joined them in the pub. Obviously now we can't both go out at the last minute, somebody has to stay home. It just seems to always be me.

[DoJo]

You say your friends don't live close enough for a spontaneous meeting, but why can't you plan to go out more often? Surely your husband getting home from work can't be that hard to organise - you tell him when and he makes sure it's arranged. What kind of night do you want? Is there a reason you can't plan to go out together with the baby?

[Knackeredmum13]

But maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm unreasonable to expect DH to stay at home with me and I should just suck it up.

A few weeks ago we had a day out with other friends, all have similar ages babies. It became apparent during the planning that alcohol was going to be involved. I was surprised by this since there were babies to be cared for, and driving to be done. It was just taken for granted that the "women" would stay sober and take care of both of these things so the men could enjoy a few beers. Only I seemed to be peed off by it. So maybe it's just me.

[bouquetofpencils]

Yanbu. Your DH does have a babysitter. You.

Actions speak louder than words.

Pre plan a night out but don't tell him. Just spring it on him last minute and assume he'll be staying in with baby.

That sounds a bit petty but if your circumstances were different and your friends a bit nearer, would you just dump him last minute when he thought you were spending a nice evening in together?

His life HAS changed too. He has responsibilities now too. He is meant to support you as the mother of his child. His should be explaining to his friend that no he can't just pop out for a pint, he has family commitments now.

This needs to be established otherwise it will just continue and you will have lots of evenings alone.

That's my opinion anyway. I am sure others will disagree.

[Knackeredmum13]

I can and do go out. But it has to be planned. I can't just say oh I fancy going out tonight and then go. DH can just call and say that he's decided to go to the pub after work, cos there's the assumption that I'm ok to carry on looking after the baby. I'm already home doing so after all.

[bouquetofpencils]

You are not the babysitter so his life can continue uninterrupted.

My DH comes home from work and relieves me of baby duty so I get a bit of a break. He has never once been to the pub on the way home. Supermarket yes. Pub, no.

His friends know he can 't go out on a whim. His nights out are pre planned weeks in advance as are mind. They are made with mutual agreement.

I would keep an unofficial tally and explain that he owes you. So for every spontaneous pint you get a spontaneous hour or two to shop, or go to the gym, or browse online uninterrupted, whatever your pleasure is.

Just announce you are off to the local shopping centre.

[DoJo]

Well, that sounds unfair, but you might have to take the bull by the horns and make sure that you have equal leisure time/off duty to him regardless. Even if you go to an event where there are alcohol and babies and all the other women are driving/taking care of the children, there's no reason why you have to conform - they are all juggling their own commitments, but that shouldn't affect the way you and your husband choose to share the duties. Likewise, if you want to go out then arrange it and make it happen. It may not be spontaneous, but things rarely are with a child, and it's not your husband's fault that you don't have local friends to invite you out on the razz, but could you do a class/take a walk/ engage in a hobby that allows you to get out without the need for meticulous planning once in a while?

If you are annoyed that he has chosen to go out instead of spending the night with you, assuming that you won't mind, then that's thoughtless of him, but you have to speak up at the time rather than agreeing to him going and then being annoyed about it while he's out having fun - that's the worst of both worlds for you and he probably hasn't given it a second thought!

[DoJo]

BTW the reason I am up at this time is because I have brought our son home from a party and left my husband there (with my blessing, but pre-kids we would probably both have been drinking and both partied till dawn and then stayed over!), so I do understand how things can seem unfairly skewed towards one partner when it comes to socialising - I don't want to seem unsympathetic, but I'm trying to come up with practical suggestions for ways you can redress the balance as well as commiserate with you and I fear the former may have overshadowed the latter!

[cinnamongreyhound]

If he's already been out twice this week I think I'd have said it'd be nice if you stayed home with me. Did you tell him how you felt?

You can try sitters for a babysitter, all have to have worked with children for 2yrs and most have DBS check and first aid training as well as being interviewed.

[BoldBlackCherry]

Yanbu I know exactly how you feel.

One of the reasons I left my Exdp was because of this. He regularly just buggered off whenever he felt like it never ever asking me if I had plans etc. If I wanted to go somewhere, even to the shops for an hour I had to plan it in advance, tell him I was going out and get back as quickly as possible. He never even asked half the time, just arranged stuff and left.

It's really difficult and you need to talk to him about it or it will ruin your relationship like it did mine. It's completely unacceptable that he has a brilliant social life and you are indoors all the time. You need to have equal leisure time and don't let him use the 'but I work all day I need to unwind' shitty excuse for his need to go to the pub, he chose to start a family he needs to grow up and accept that his spontaneous nights out with the boys are over

[Joysmum]

Tell him you are going out 3 nights next week to match his for this week. Keep score, make sure you take equal time.

[dobedobedo]

YANBU.

One thing that annoys me so much is why does my life change beyond recognition when we have a baby, but dh's doesn't?

Your dh should choose to spend more time with you and the kids and say no to going out on his own mostly once in a while. I totally know how you feel and it's crap.

[grocklebox]

Like I said, do what most of us do, and pay one. Why do people cite lack of family as a good reason to sit at home every night? There are these people that you pay to sit in and watch the kids, they are called babysitters.

[GoldenGytha]

Maybe OP doesn't want to leave her baby with just anyone grockle. I certainly never ever left my DDs with someone I didn't know,

I was unusual in that I've never liked going out, was always happy to stay in, and even now when my DDs are 23 and 21, I still don't go out anywhere in the evenings.

On the very rare occasions that XH and I did go out, the DDs were only left with my oldest and dearest friend, and that was maybe only once a year.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

YANBU OP. He knew you wanted to spend some time together but has buggered off with his mate instead. You are not his convenient childcare.

[grocklebox]

then maybe she shouldn't complain about not going out. You can't have it both ways.
Anyway thats not actually the issue. Its more that he's an ass-hat, and she lets him away with it.

[ApplebyMennym]

I looked into paying a professional sitter for my child this weekend, since I am in a similar situation to OP's with lack of childcare.

The company I looked at charged a £7 booking fee and £7 per hour, minimum three hours. So we're at £28 already. Then factor in taxis to and from the place, I have no idea really but I guessed £15 ish. So £43 (and that's only 3 hours, I'd guess the average person would want to be out longer than that) on top of drinks and whatever for a night out? I wouldn't be paying for drinks had I gone because it was my friend's house.

I can guess that's why some people don't pay for babysitters.

But anyway, the whole point was that the OP can't go out without significant arrangement, she can't, unlike her dh, decide on a whim to nip out to the pub. Which while not exactly "unfair" , it's thoughtless of the husband when he had already been out twice that week.

YANBU op.

[grocklebox]

You looked at one place and think you know why people don't get babysitters?
Very few people, outside of the NW london, use agencies for babysitters.

[fairylightsintheloft]

Grockle don't be so blase. We have three 20 ish year old girls living next door to us who would happily babysit but if we pay one of them + the cost of dinner / cinema etc its going to be the best part of £50 for a pretty low key ordinary night out. Dh and I also plan evenings in to make them more of an event, a particular film or box set that we are watching together and I would be miffed if without checking with me he just assumed it was fine for him to go out. We both do go out a fair bit, and away for weekends, just not that often together. OP you do need to address this. Don't know if an exact "keeping score" approach is necessary but your DH does need to be aware of how you feel.

[ApplebyMennym]

So where does "everyone else" in this situation go for childcare then? A little confused, apparently everyone else uses paid babysitters but nobody apart from those in NW London uses agencies.

Genuine question. Because I would count friend's teenage children, neighbours and the like as friends - which I and I'm sure others just don't have.