My DM looks after our DS (2 years) for two days and nights in our own home every week during the term time (I'm a teacher). She travels from afar and she offered to do this, we never asked, as she wanted a regular relationship with him.
She is someone who can turn from a nice to an incredible nasty person in a split second. She has 'episodes' of anger that last from 3-10 weeks in which she becomes aggressive with her tone of voice, sits with a permanant scowl on her face, takes no interest in anyone, can sit for hours chain smoking, swinging her leg whilst seated, staring into space, bang things and be a very intimidating person to be with. This bevhaviour has been going on since I was small, but with each period either she is more outwardly aggressive and scary or as I'm getting older, i'm noticing it more. She is also bringing this attitude with her when she looks after DS and making us feel intimidated and nervous in our own home. The last time this happened was from late September until early November. All my life, I have always known friends and family to come and go, my DM always blaming others.
She has no contact with her DS (my brother) as he cut ties with her, She has no contact with her own brother (my uncle) - not sure who cut ties but I think it was her, she has had an on-off relationship with my grandma (gran left DM when she was 14) and currently no contact with her for last decade at least, on-off relationship with her sister (my aunt), currently unknown but I don't think she has spoken to her in months. She has only one friend who is someone else she cut ties with for 20 years, found again but after a decade in each other's life, she has decided that she no longer wants the closeness that she had with her.
Three weeks ago, she asked me if I was doing anything at the weekend to which I replied I was not and then proceeded to request DS for the weekend and she would bring him back on what would have been her last day of the week caring for him at our own home. I agreed and asked why this was to which she replied that she was under no circumstances going to spend another day or night freezing her butt off! I was taken aback and said okay. This attitude was because the night before we had doors and windows open for fumes to escape after having a new wooden floor laid and it had just been varnished. DH then decided to turn the aga off for the summer. I did say this was daft and leave it until DM went home but he didn't. Having said that, Agas take a few hours to cool right down!! But on the night that this took place, we were all chatty, eating some treats I had brought back after work!?!?
So the following week, three days after taking DS to visit DM and my dad, she brings him back as agreed. I walked into the dining room to find her on the sofa with her back turned to DH and a friend who were chatting (friend is also a work colleague of DH). I could immediately tell she was in a bad mood. She basically said she was very annoyed with DH and friend and she'd tell me later. I never said anything to DH or friend that night BUT on attending a class together, friend asked if DM was okay as she seemed to be in a mood. The following night I asked DH about DM's arrival and DH said he said hello as they came in, DM looked at him, looked at the cat and said to DS "Oh there's the cat" and ignored DH!!! On asking my dad two weeks later (tonight) she said to him that she was being ignored?!?!? DM asked me to ring her the folliwing night to which I agreed but then got a text to say not to bother until the weekend as she had serious thinking and decisions to make and not when still angry.
As it happens, that weekend FIL died so this took priority. I telephoned my parents to tell them but DM was not as chatty - concerned but I could tell by her voice that she wanted to say very little. DH did get a sympathy card. She also said that my dad would attend the funeral (hadn't been arranged at that point) but she would have to check to get time off. The following day, we had a date, venue and time and I text them with it. A WEEK later (yesterday), DM still hadn't contacted me to let me know if she was attending the funeral so I rang. It was a painful conversation. It was obvious she didn't want to talk to me. She was cold and frosty and replied "Nothing" to every question I asked. She passed me quickly to my dad to arrange particulars about them attending the funeral.
It's getting to the stage that my dad wants a divorce (been threatened many, many times before) but then she's 'come round'. TBH, I think she's with him for the 'lifestyle'. My dad is a taxi driver and works 10-12 hours a day, 6/7 days a week. The shifts are dictated by DM. The other night he came home because there was no work (to her surprise) to which she said "Oh, only working 9 hour shifts now!".
I do think this childcare arrangment is having a detrimental effect on their martial health as well as her physical and mental health and a huge financial burden. We've offered to give money for fuel but she declined. She is a very 'proud' woman who won't accept defeat or help and takes offense at it. She is unlikely to admit it is harming her life and marriage and would never 'give up' looking after DS yet if WE ask her to stop and tell her why, she'd take offense at that and claim that we've used her, stopped her from seeing DS - which of course is not true.
Just not sure what is wrong with her. AIBU? Or is she? Does she sound like she has mental health issues (the mood swings are common and long-lasting caused by trivial things!)? We're seriously considering putting DS in full-time childcare from September but with a view of us visiting DM and dad once every half term and giving them four days with him. Not all grandparents see there grandchildren every week and those who don't, still have a meaningful realtionship with them.
We're just fed up of the mood swings, feeling intimidated in our own homes and we're beginning to dread the day she comes to us!
Also, congratulations for getting this far down my post!!! And for the record, DS adores DM and vice versa and she has in no way, given us cause for concern about the way in which she treats DS.
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AIBU?
What's wrong with my mother?
39 replies
junkfoodaddict · 21/04/2014 21:46
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