upset by the possibility of only having 3 months maternity leave

[Melissamissa]

Hi everyone, sorry this is rather long and rambling....

this might also be the wrong place on the forum to put this question, but I could do with some advice and maybe reassurance from people who have for whatever reason taken very short maternity leave. I am not sure if I'm being reasonable in being so worried about only taking 3 months off.

I'm from the UK but have been living in the UK for ten years. I got married recently and my partner and I (we are in our early 30s) really really want to start having children... But because I'm working in the US I will only get 3 months maternity leave and the idea of having so little time is really breaking my heart. I just can't imagine it.

I have lived in the US long enough to know that even 3 months is generous here (American friends of ours went back to work after one month and thought they were lucky). But I guess because I'm from the UK I always imagined that I'd be able to take more time to bond with my baby and look after him or her, and I think I've always thought of that 9 months as something that would be a really special part of my life.

Plus, without being alarmist, there are a couple of serious genetic issues in my family and while it's not a massive risk, there is the possibility that my baby might have some serious health problems when he or she is born that we would have to deal with in the first year. Its not likely, but the possibility is there and something I need to consider.

It would make more sense for my husband to be the stay at home parent in the longer term because his salary couldn't support us, and given how we each respectively feel about our jobs we would both be much happier with this arrangement. But as much as I love my work, I am really having a hard time persuading myself that I'll be ok with going back to work after 3 months and missing that first stage.

I've thought about the option of us moving back to the UK, but the restrictions on visas to bring non-EU spouses home have got so tough recently that (for reasons I won't go into here) it could take several more years before we could consider doing that. Then I'd have to work at a job long enough to qualify for maternity leave, which altogether could mean I'd be in my mid/late 30s before we even start! So that's not really viable.

So I guess I'd just like some realistic points of view from other mothers who have gone back to work after 3 months or so, to let me know whether I'm being unreasonably upset about this. Thanks!

[BackforGood]

When my dc were babies, 3 months is what everyone took, as it's what you had. End of. My friend worked in a job that allowed her to take a year (unpaid) and then return and she did that. She reckons it was much harder to go back after she'd become used to being at home, and all that meant. The rest of us didn't have the time for it to become our new routines, and the 'new' life with baby was in the hours around working hours.
It's fine. Our dc have grown up fine. We love each other and have 'bonded' or 'attached' or whatever other words are in fashion at the moment with our dc, and they with their mothers.
You, and your dc will be fine too.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I went back when DS was 5 months old, it killed me but he was well taken care of.

It's only natural to feel like you want to be there.

I found that is not the 1st milestones that matter, DH and other people keep quiet so I found out on my own. But the DC need me more than they was babies.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Ds is almost 8 and DD almost 5, what they love is me being there for school plays or day trips out.

[meditrina]

When I had my first (in UK) paid Maternity Leave was 18 weeks. So we all went back after only a few months. It was absolutely fine.

As long as to have somewhere to leave your baby where s/he will be properly cared for, it really is fine. And childhood goes on for years. You will not be short of special moments.

[HazleNutt]

I'm not in the UK so got 3,5 months with DS (9mo). Like you, we could afford DH to be a SAHD, so at least I knew the baby was in good hands.

Not saying it was not hard, it was. But it will get easier, once you see that the baby is still fine and you will still get plenty of time with him (well, depending on your work, but there are still mornings, evenings and weekends). DS does not seem to be harmed by any way.

It will be ok.

[heavenstobetsy]

I had planned to go back after three months with DC1. I actually went back after 4 months because I had a pretty difficult birth and it took me a while to recover ..... But returning was fine and was actually easier than going back after the 8 months I took off after DC2.

As Backforgood says, the longer you have off the more time you have to develop a 'life' and routine away from work. With DC2 I had time to get involved with local life, which was hard to leave behind when I went back to work in the city.

You will be fine OP - 3 months is definitely do-able

[Suefla62]

As Backforgood says it us what it is. I have 2 DDs (now grown) and I got 6 weeks leave for each. You do what you have to do.

[Melissamissa]

"She reckons it was much harder to go back after she'd become used to being at home, and all that meant." -- that is a good point.

I know people here do it all the time and people in the past did too in the UK. It just seems really hard. And maybe its partly because, at the back of my mind, I've always looked forward to the idea of that time as a little break I would one day get to do something other than work in an office all day. I'm fine with working late night and weekends now, because I like my work. I am out the house at 7am and home at 6pm every day, but in the longer time my partner would be able to stay home.

I guess on the one hand I'm anticipating the fact that its going to be pretty hard to be away so much when my body/head is still recovering from having given birth three months prior. And the other hand I'm finding it hard to let go of an expectation I always carried around in my head that one day I'd get a little period of time to spend just focusing on a baby, and not on my work.

[Melissamissa]

These comments are really reassuring. Thank you!

I guess part of it is expectation. My mum was a wonderful, wonderful stay at home mum/grandmother to many children -- I think maybe I've internalized more of her opinions on what is possible and what isn't than I realized! Plus when my dear SIL (living in the UK) had to go back after 3 months it was very traumatic for everyone involved and is still talked about many years later as a disastrous thing... So I'm coming at this perhaps with other people's baggage.

[missmargot]

I have gone back after 3 months, in theory part time but in practise two days in an office and the rest of the week juggling the baby with emails, phone calls and working whenever he sleeps (own business and work freelance). I was dreading going back to work and felt very resentful that I had no choice but to if I wanted my business to survive long term, but in the end I actually felt ready when the time came.

I have been back at work for 3 weeks and so far it is going well. DS was sleeping through which really helped but has starting waking again this last week. It is hard working whilst tired, but today I've been off work and have actually felt more tired as I haven't had the distraction of work and the mental stimulation. DS seems really settled at nursery, he smiles when I drop him off and when I look through the window at pick up time he is smiling and laughing and looking happy.

If you have no choice then my advice would be not to beat yourself up over it and don't waste the time you do have at home worrying about work and feeling resentful. I wish I had spent less energy on the negative emotions and more on enjoying the time I had.

You will be fine. You may even enjoy it.

[soaccidentprone]

Ds1 is 18. X'd'h was sacked just after I found out I was pregant

I went back to work f/t when ds1 was 7 weeks old. Fortunately he slept through most of the time, but he was ebf till he was 6 months. I have to say it was tough, I was constantly knackered. But I had a lot of support from family and friends, without which my situation would have been completely untenable.

Ds1 had his name down for nursery as soon as I found out I was pregnant. We were offered 2 1/2 days a week, which I rested to 2 full days when he was 1.

So, it is doable. But you will need back up for when your dc is ill, or you or your dh are ill. Ds1 used to go and spend a week with his grandparents about once a month after he was weaned, which was a complete lifesaver, and meant I could catch up on sleep etc.

With ds2 I had 7 months off, and had a f/t nursery place from that time.

You just have to make the best of it. We have used nurseries, friends, family, and as they have grown up, after school clubs, child minders and play schemes. As well as having to take last minute leave from work. My manager at the time said I should have some back up childcare in place for when ds2 was ill. But not even family want to take a child who is throwing up!

Spend as much time with your dc as you can. Sod the housework. That can wait. The time you spend or not spend with your child can never be replaced. But you need your salary to live. And try to look after yourself.

[pommedeterre]

I'll be going back after three months this time. Went back after 7 months with my other two.

I think it will be hard but we now have great childcare in place that I am very happy with. I think you'd be best researching childcare options very thoroughly during your pg.

[eltsihT]

I went back to work when my ds was 4mo, I would have gone back sooner, but it was the school holidays.

My ds is now 3 and has an amazing bond with his grandparents on both sides who looked after him while I went back to work. It's lovely he is so comfortable with them and I wouldn't have done it any other way

[Melissamissa]

This is making me feel a lot better. Our parents all live a long way away (mine in the UK, his at the opposite end of the country) but we do have a lovely family of friends nearby who would be our support network. I guess a lot of my anxiety also comes from accepting that I really do now live here and realistically I'm not going to be able to go 'home' to the UK like I always expected I would. But maybe having a baby here would not be the end of the world after all :) Thank you everyone, for your kind comments.

[theoldtrout01876]

Im in the USA and went back after 3 months. Most of my friends went back after 2-6 weeks though as thats all the leave they had.Ds1 I went back after 3 months unpaid. Ds2 I wasnt working anyways. Dd1 I went back after 8 weeks but was only part time. Dd2 I had 3 months off,6 weeks full pay as I had accrued leave and 6 weeks on short term disability and maternity was considered a short term disability. All was fine,didnt do any of us any harm

[MariaJenny]

I had 2 weeks. 3 months is acres of time. Better for the baby and you if you go back sooner. Much better for everyone. I wonder when women in the UK started to think 3 months was a short time.

[LostInWales]

When I had DS1 (back in the mists of time) we had 16 weeks maternity leave, he was very late so I went back to work when he was 12 weeks. It was hard initially but I suppose that happens whenever you go back. He is a lovely giant of a teen now who appears to be completely unharmed by his mother abandoning him at such a young age. I quit work when I had my second child and DS1 was two years old and I think he appreciated having me around at that age much more than when he was a newborn.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Three months is a short time.

But it is definitely doable. I understand why you feel uneasy about it but it can be done.

[Gen35]

I worked in the US and had a dc here - two things: it got much harder to leave dd at nursery when a toddler and she knew me, at the baby stage she didn't have any issues at all, so it's your anxiety probably rather than the baby's to consider and also can you ask to take extra unpaid leave? My US firm would let you take extra unpaid leave or if you resigned, most likely hire you back, check into that. Also, can you wfh half a day or one day a week? They may be able to offer some other flexibility.

[Babyroobs]

I went back to work part time when ds2 was 5 months old ( he was born 6 weeks prem so wasn't really even 5 months). I had no choice as i was living abroad in a country that had no maternity pay. We are very lucky in the Uk to have mat pay for 9 months.

[jackstini]

Hi Melissa, - congratulations on your pregnancy

I went back pretty early because I earned more that dh (& this was 8 years ago so he could not have much paternity leave/share my maternity - did a mumsnet article in The Times about it but that's another thread!)

I also work for a US company, although based in UK so only got statutory ML

Anyway, I went back 7 weeks after my dd was born (emcs) and 12 weeks after ds was born (elcs)
dh went to a 3 day week and I worked some from home but it was amazing how we did manage. I got a bf friendly nursery close by which really helped and work were great about bf time and expressing (in fact I fed both until they were past 2 yrs)

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned they need more time now - mine are 5 & 8 - and I can now spend more time with them on flexible hours now and know they will remember this.

I would have loved to have spent more time when they were little, but if I am honest, my dm did this for me and I don't remember it at all.

You will make it work whatever the circumstances but just want to let you know it is absolutely possible to have a happy shorter maternity leave x

[angeltulips]

I had a 11wk mat leave - was in the middle of a really testing time at work and really couldn't justify taking more (I was one of those women who are always sneered at for taking work calls in the post delivery suite but it was important) and it was fine. By no means the best time of my life, but I'm so glad i did it and dd is absolutely thriving. Good childcare is a must, but it's definitely doable.

[MariaJenny]

Euph, 2 weeks from choice. It worked really well. We need to move away from expectations of fixed leave periods for both men and women and ensure that where people want to return quickly that is fine too rather than everyone thinking all women must take a full year off which is not always the best way (never mind being hard to afford for many).

[BoomBoomsCousin]

OP not all US companies stick to mandatory minimums for maternity leave. Ernst and Young, for instance, offer 39 weeks leave at full pay. And many firms would let you take longer off without pay if they think you are a great employee they want to keep. While I expect you would manage fine, just as so many of the mothers posting here have, if you went back after 12 weeks, I just wanted to point out that you may be able to pursue a different path if it is really important to you.