To not want to look after MIL in old age?

[Knackeredmum13]

Before I start I should point out that for now this is entirely theoretical.

We are looking at houses with a view to moving in the next year or so and DH keeps pointing out places that have room to extend or areas that could be converted into granny annexes. When questioned it seems that he has the expectation that one day either his or my mother will probably end up living with us. The idea horrifies me!

I would never want to live with either my MIL or my mother. MIL has occasionally "joked" that she will come and live with us as she isn't particularly happy in her relationship. I've always ignored her as to me this is not and never will be an option.

MIL is nice enough but I do find her a bit irritating. DH is equally as irritated by her and usually ends up being quite snappy with her when she visits as she doesn't know when to let things drop. I feel the same about my own mother. My own mother would never expect to live with us and has often said that she would never want any of her children to give up their own lives to care for her.

So am I being selfish as my DH says? I suppose I am but is it unreasonable? It would be me who would end up doing the donkey work if such a situation ever occurred as DH is a lazy arse.

[mercibucket]

so you are selfish but dh is not??

sounds to me like he is seeing you as free carer for his mum. just keep deflecting onto him

'oh, will you just go part time when mil lives with us?'
'do you think you will be able to do her personal care or were you planning on employing someone'

dont say no, just always frame it as 'him'

he will soon get the message

[t3rr3gl35]

I don't think it sounds particularly selfish. You chose to live with your DH, not his mother.

If you find her irritating in small doses, it isn't likely to get any better if it's a permanent arrangement. I'd be finding a way to pour icy water on her "jokes" and making it absolutely clear that moving in with you as a way to escape her relationship is absolutely not an option.

[scarletforya]

Yanbu.

Let him know in no uncertain terms it won't be happening.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

It's not quite theoretical if your DH is factoring it into the house that you are buying now. When is he expecting his mum to move in OP?

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

You are not being selfish or unreasonable. Why on earth is it up to you to care for his mother. As someone said above ask him if he's going to go part time to look after her or give up work.

If she sells her house then it will pay for the care package.

[thebodydoestricks]

No one should become a carer unless they want to as it's unfair to the person reviving the care and the carer.

Is you dh hoping to sell his mothers house and keep the money rather than spend it on care home fees? You provide the care?

Tell him to do one. If she needs care she deserves to get it from someone who is willing not forced.

[Forgettable]

Yes as merci says, keep batting the comments back, turning them to him doing the legwork and organisation

[SnakeyMcBadass]

Oh hell no!

[Chopsypie]

I agree it doesn't sound theoretical at all if he is looking for a house with space for her.
Are you sure they don't have some sort of 'agreement' already that when you have the space she can come to you?
Fwiw, I would care for my MIL, as I would my own IF it was needed. It sounds like she doesn't need care, she just doesn't want to remain in her relationship/home

[Littledidsheknow]

My mil is starting to suffer from dementia. It is a worry. My DH and I have mentioned to her that she sell her house to move near us. I told DH outright that moving in with us wouldn't work, but we could help her if she was close. He agrees, luckily. If moving in with us had been mooted, I'd've responded as a previous poster did: how will DH have time to look after her (because I won't)? We have 5 children and when they're older I'm looking forward to having some time to relax, not be a carer!

[Martorana]

Well, if I had my time over again, and circumstances allowed, I would most certainly get a house with a potential granny flat.

Having been though the stress of my mother getting old and frail 80 miles away from me, and having to supervise her care from a distance, and with the prospect in the next few years of us doing the same for dp's mother, the thought of them being next door would have been heaven. The difficulty is, even if you don't particularly get on with your older relations someone has to look after them. So finding the easiest, most guilt free way of doing it should be a priority.

[Knackeredmum13]

We aren't going to be moving just yet. We are just browsing online as we hope to be able to afford to move in a year or so. His mum doesn't own any property she lives with her partner who does.

I don't think they have any arrangement between them I just think my DH is making an assumption. His grandmother lives with one of her children ( in another country) so he may be thinking that's what naturally happens. Though I must point out he's not from a different culture where that would be expected.

I think we are also thinking of different scenarios. He is probably thinking his mum ( or mine) will just live alongside us. Whilst I'm envisaging the prospect of having to physically care for them, washing them and getting them dressed etc. I would not be prepared to do this sort of care on a regular basis.

I've said ( tongue in cheek) that as a compromise she can one day live in the same town as us.

[Martorana]

"I think we are also thinking of different scenarios. He is probably thinking his mum ( or mine) will just live alongside us. Whilst I'm envisaging the prospect of having to physically care for them, washing them and getting them dressed etc. I would not be prepared to do this sort of care on a regular basis. "

You need to talk about this openly. It is entirely reasonable for you not to want to physically care for her- I didn't want to care for my mother in that way. But I cannot tell you how much easier our lives would have been for the last few years of hers if she had been next door to us rather than 80 miles away. And if we had planned in advance that could easily have happened.

[Grennie]

Make it 100% clear that if MIL stayed with you, he would be doing the caring. I suspect he will be less interested in the idea then.

[Floralnomad]

YANBU and you really need to make it clear to your DH that this will definitely not be happening .

[Latara]

How old is your MIL now?

Btw if she irritates you then I agree that living together is NOT a good idea at all!

My mum & nan tried living together temporarily (while my mum was looking for a new flat) and lasted just 1 night, they got on each other's nerves so much!
Now my mum has decided that if my nan needs care she can get carers in, although she will do nan's housework if nan agrees.
But they are mother and daughter, your MIL isn't even a blood relative.

[Knackeredmum13]

I see what you're saying Martorana. At this point I'm not entirely sure how we are going to afford a simple 3 bed house (London) let alone one with space for independent living quarters for MIL.

Also, MIL had DH quite late and I've had DS quite late, so realistically if MIL ever did need care we would still have children living at home with us anyway.

I've made my feelings perfectly clear to DH. I don't think he has really thought it through himself.

[Knackeredmum13]

Latara - she is late sixties. She is cagey about exactly how "late".

[Jubelteen]

Does DH have siblings? If so why is DH assuming responsibility for MIL's care, even in a jokey/hypothetical way?
Caring for elderly parents is a huge commitment and YANBU to not want to do it if you don't feel as if you could cope.

[Grennie]

As you have made your feelings perfectly clear, start making joky comments back e.g. out for a meal - won't you miss coming out for a long meal when you have to rush back to bath MIL? Or if eh says something positive about work - you will miss work when you have to give it up to look after MIL.

[Latara]

OMG Knackered that's not old anyway; my mum is just turned 65 and still works, so does my dad who's 66 in fact he works more hours than I do.

My nan is nearly 89 and she lives alone quite happily in sheltered accommodation.
In fact suggest a ground floor flat in a warden assisted flat if your DH goes on about MIL moving in any more.

Your MIL could potentially live for another 20 - 30 years; could you face living with her for that long?

She won't need 'care' until her 80s at least if she's lucky.

[Grennie]

Latara - Plenty of people need care younger than that. Your nan is very fortunate.

[Latara]

Maybe MIL needs encouraging to get a social life / love life of her own or to take up volunteering or a class in something - rather than just passively 'waiting to get old'.

[Latara]

Grennie I know that, I said ''if she's lucky''.

[Martorana]

My mother started needing care at about 83ish.

I wish we had thought about older relations when we bought our "forever" house..........