To go to a girls only kinky meet up? (I'm married)

(80 Posts)
StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:13:12

So there is a women only BDSM munch near me soon. I am going to ask/tell DH I am going to go tomorrow. Well, unless you lot tell me IABU! It is vanilla, so normal clothes, in a pub! It is just a place for kinky women to meet up to find friendship, they meet up once a month.

DH knows I am into submission and fetish stuff. When I say into I mean reading about it/bit of porn and I enjoy it the once every year or so we do have kinky sex. He is not really into it though..i doubt, he is quite vague on the subject.

Anyway, he is always talking about life passing him by and wanting to go and do more things but then just watches shit on TV and goes to work. We don't have that much sex, maybe once or twice a month (one of those often being a quickie). I want to go out and meet more people and live life a bit more before we try for kids in a few years time. I will never cheat on him, ever, I just crave this lifestyle and sitting watching TV most nights is driving me crazy.

AIBU to say "I really want to go" and if he has a problem with it just go anyway?

EyelinerQueen Tue 18-Mar-14 23:49:35

Go for it Star.

It actually sounds kind of fun. I wonder if there's one down my local grin

StarShank Tue 18-Mar-14 23:56:42

EyelinerQueen You never know! ;)

KissesBreakingWave Wed 19-Mar-14 00:42:33

EyelinerQueen, there almost certainly is. Or one of your locals, anyway. The one round here is second wednesday of each month. Gather, chat, have a couple of beers. That's a mixed all-ages one, and pretty typical.

Apart from the actual subject under discussion, it's exactly like any gathering of hobbyists in any pub anywhere.

No idea how a ladies-only one woud be different, but in my experience elderly dominas tend to be an absolute hoot with a couple of sherries down them.

fuckwittery Wed 19-Mar-14 05:30:06

I think you are just going to find thus frustrating. It will fuel your interest, which at present you are not able to pursue if you do not intend to cheat. You need to improve sex life at home a bit first, focus on what does turn your partner on to try and find some middle ground?

HillyHolbrook Wed 19-Mar-14 08:59:05

You should go! It's a good chance to meet new people and make new friends, and maybe someone there had similar problems with their DH and has advice on how to get around it.

If he properly hates it though, don't push it on him. You need to figure out a way to get him to talk about it though. Does he have hang ups about sex in general? Is it a difficult topic for him to be open about? I know a few people who were raised to believe it's a dirty thing, done purely out of necessity under the cover of darkness.

I've been to a mixed munch before. The stench of halitosis and brylcreem hit me as soon as I walked in. Hopefully the women only ones are slightly better

Hoppinggreen Wed 19-Mar-14 09:24:18

Just hope you don't meet your GP or the vicars wife or your child's teacher there!!!
Go for it, what's the worst that could happen?

OTheHugeManatee Wed 19-Mar-14 09:28:35

If you're worried about your life becoming dull and suburban I don't recommend the fetish scene as a solution - I speak from experience when I say few things are more suburban grin But I suspect I'm missing the point of your OP.

TBH I suggest paying some attention to the state of your marriage is a higher priority than having white wine spritzer sand oo-er missus conversations with a pubful of leathery swingers.

ItIsAnIdeasGame Wed 19-Mar-14 09:35:37

I think you are sexually frustrated and are looking to accidentally create options. Do not have children with a man you ate sexually incompatible with.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:15:28

Whatever happened to considering the thoughts and feelings of your partner. Try putting yourself in his shoes.

My hubby and I have a good and varied sex life. At various points in our life we've had times where he's wanted to try things I haven't, and I've wanted to try things he hasn't. Sometimes with much time the other has come around to the idea, sometime not.

Our golden rule is that everything sexual is only done with 2 ticks in the box, in otherwords consent from both.

If your situation were to come up in our situation, there's no way we'd go solo, solo doesn't equated to 2 ticks in the box for consent for the munch, and it would take one of us down a path that leads further away from the other. That's not good for the relationship so it wouldn't happen.

Now think about how he might feel. Inadequate, insecure, unimportant etc. it's no wonder he doesn't want more sex if he feels it's not satisfying you and that you are ignoring his preferences.

If you value your marriage, concentrate on that, on enjoying and making the most of the things you like to do together so you can both feel secure in each other.

BlackeyedSusan Wed 19-Mar-14 10:21:55

neb =nosy also used as a verb. stop nebbying=stop poking your nose in

MizTiggle Wed 19-Mar-14 10:23:24

Go! It's not like you're hitting Torture Garden or anything. Never pass up an opportunity to make some like-minded friends.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Mar-14 10:25:49

You must be young still - if kids aren't on the cards for a few years -

Are you sure this relationship is the one you want? It sounds v. dull for people in their 20s without kids.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:27:47

I don't think I'd be at all comfortable if my DH wanted to attend a similar thing and I am very open minded about sex...

I think meeting up with other people...strangers...because you share a fetish is one step away from swinging to be frank. Why share your sexual "thing"? It's private surely?

Meeting new friends is one thing but meeting potential new friends with your sexual fetish as the thing you have in common is a recipe for disaster.

Why don't you meet some friends who share something less personal with you??

MrsGoslingWannabe Wed 19-Mar-14 10:39:53

If your relationship is crap now, believe me, it'll be even worse once you've got kids.

growingolddicustingly Wed 19-Mar-14 10:43:48

For information swinging and BDSM are two completely separate things.

OP go to the munch and use it as an opportunity to talk to like minded submissive women about how they manage in their relationships with their other halves. BDSM is not all about sex either. It may be that you could meet your "submissive" needs by the way you and your OH interact with each other. Read as much as possible, talk to others and talk to your OH. I hope you both find some common ground.

HadABadDay2014 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:26

I think you need to accept that your DH is not a Dom, bdsm is a very personal thing and it looks like your DH will never be into this lifestyle.

Go to the group, it may or may not be for you however your sex life at home needs to be sorted before the sexless marriage is distroyed.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:47:07

GrowingOld I KNOW they're different things. What I am saying is that sharing your fetish as "something in common" is odd...it's something which is a step towards the next step. I made that clear.

Joysmum Wed 19-Mar-14 10:52:37

I'm really surprised at the amount of posts who don't see how damaging this would be to the relationship and how lacking in consideration it would be.

A munch is about sex, sex is part of a relationship. This can't be likened to a hobby which can be persued as a solo activity.

It's no wonder the divorce rate is so high. sad

SamandCat Wed 19-Mar-14 10:58:21

joysmum I agree with you entirely.Be honest with yourself. what are you hoping to get out of this meeting?Honestly?

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Mar-14 11:00:21

Meh, I think the relationship is the problem.

Op, I think you married someone you are not compatible with. This is going to be a big problem in a few years, if not now.

BumpyGrindy Wed 19-Mar-14 11:01:02

That's what I think. Sex is private...unless you want to join in with others...which is your own choice...UNLESS you are in a relationship and your partner does not agree.

Then you decide which is more important.

dustarr73 Wed 19-Mar-14 11:17:22

I wouldnt go its disrespectful to your partner.If the shoe was on the other foot it would be cries of LTB.If your life is crap now and im assuming your only in your 20s,cut your loss.Either fix your marriage or end it.At this stage you should be hopping on each other and enjoy your life.Not sitting watching it disappear before your eyes.

StarShank Wed 19-Mar-14 12:26:57

I just want to go and meet women my age with something in common, I'm not secretly looking for an opportunity to cheat. I just don't have many friends sad If he was really against it I would not go.

We are so in love! I don't think a problem in our sex life is 1, unsortable and 2, means we are incompatible. It can be improved...I just have no idea how to do that if he wont discuss it without freaking out. He is more important to me than anything in the world.

I just don't want to have a midlife crisis either when I'm 40, doing the school run and realise I'm not going to have the opportunities for fun I have now.

LiberalLibertine Wed 19-Mar-14 12:36:24

Oh go! I think you'll be forever wondering if you don't.

Your partner is being really unfair by not trying as hard as you to resolve your sexual problems.

Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him how detrimental it will be to your marriage over time, because it will.

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