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to think that telling a child is Shut Up on a regular basis is bad parenting?

(71 Posts)
Wishyouwould Tue 18-Feb-14 08:28:50

My STBXH often told me to shut up. He didn't and still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

When my 10yr old son told me to Shut Up (I chastised him for saying it but he didn't see a problem - 'Why not say it to you, Dad does?) I was beyond upset.

I know that my EX tells our children to Shut Up. Last night my DD phoned wanting to come home because her Dad had shouted at her and told her to Shut Up again. Am I over reacting to be so upset that this is how he speaks to our DC?

isitsnowingyet Tue 18-Feb-14 08:32:51

You're not over reacting.

bochead Tue 18-Feb-14 08:42:58

No this isn't an acceptable way to speak to a child. They only learn to be polite, kind adults if we role model behaviour for them throughout their formative years.

ClaraFox Tue 18-Feb-14 09:29:04

I think it's unacceptable. Having said that though, I've been known to go through a cycle of ' quiet please' and ' will you be quiet?' To an abrupt ' that's enough now. Shut up! ' so it depends on the context.

Oh and I'm not in the least bit shouty or abusive.

ZenNudist Tue 18-Feb-14 09:31:05

Yanbu.but when pushed by my very loud ds I hAve been known to snap and say shut up and similar bad terms. Always feel guilty afterwards.i know its setting a bad example.

There are two things utterances that have always raised my hackles.

Someone being told to shut up and someone being told they're stupid.

It's belitting to be spoken to in such a way.

There was a thread about this a few weeks ago. Prepare to be harangued by parents who believe they are entitled to speak to their children however they wish, that shut up is not harmful and that you are patronising them to indicate otherwise. That's what happened to me when I agreed with the same viewpoint as yours on that thread.

Joysmum Tue 18-Feb-14 09:45:11

Shut is needed but should be used to back up more reasoned explainations.

I've liked to point out to my DD in restaurants and public places when children and adults are loud and badly behaved. I've made my point by asking her what she thinks of these people. She knows how people who are loud, dont allow others equal time to talk and don't listen, or are badly behaved are thought of by others.

So if she is any of those things, she is reminded gently backed up with what it is she's doing wrong, but if I need to ask a second time it's a sharp instruction and I will talk to her about the situation at a later time.

'Shut up' should never be the first response but I'm not anti 'shut up'.

Jinty64 Tue 18-Feb-14 09:46:01

It's a horrible thing to say to anyone.

SaucyJack Tue 18-Feb-14 09:51:20

I kind of agree...... but I still end up saying it most mornings. I only have so much patience for nine-year-olds and their stupid tantrums over getting dressed.

Would "Be quiet" or "Enough" be acceptable?

Joysmum Tue 18-Feb-14 09:53:14

Jinty why?

If a child knows the reasons why and still continues, how long does a parent wait before actually parenting and issuing an instruction?

There are so many others ways to stay 'stop talking' without sounding so aggressive. It's a horrible thing to say and I do not say it to my children or anyone else.

permaquandry Tue 18-Feb-14 09:57:36

Echo what youstayclassy said. Not nice, it's just nasty, IMHO. They almost sound like swear words and can damage you even more.

Talk to him and ask him to stop, just because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, clearly your dd does and he should want to avoid upsetting her.

It's not about his opinion of a word, it's how it affects others.

Hope you get this sorted and your dd is ok.

It's a terrible way to speak to anyone, flame away if people disagree with the sentiment but that's what I believe < shrugs shoulders>

When my 3 boys were younger, noisy and being irritating [14, 16 and 18 now, so there are still times] I'd say iirc

I've had enough of this, please be quiet.
Stop being so loud, it's irritating.
Stop arguing , you're being rude.

Or words akin but never shut up.

wonderingsoul Tue 18-Feb-14 09:59:50

i dont like it.. but i have said it.. when be quite , stop shouting and being loud. enough.. has not worked.. normally when im at the end of my teather.

i dont like it becasue it comes across as quite agresssive i think.

whilst i dont liek it and not proud of using it at times, i think if thats the worse and it is i say to my children than im not emotionally damaging them for life.

Burma Tue 18-Feb-14 10:00:14

Oh I say shout it when they push me to the brink grin! I do feel cross with myself afterwards but honest to god children really do know how to push you sometimes.

MrsOakenshield Tue 18-Feb-14 10:00:38

yes, agree, I hate and won't use 'shut up' or 'stupid'. I only ever use it in jest to adults, but I won't use it with a child. It's horribly aggressive and dismissive.

A firm 'be quiet' or 'that's enough' should be effective and are civil.

RedFocus Tue 18-Feb-14 10:01:55

Oh not this one again, there will be another thread about parking in a minute grin

wonderingsoul Tue 18-Feb-14 10:02:13

stupid is just vile.. its an actuall insult and can go very deep.

Topaz25 Tue 18-Feb-14 10:03:20

YANBU, it's rude and doesn't teach children good manners. I can certainly understand why people would snap and say it under stress but it shouldn't be repeated regularly.

GretaWolfcastle Tue 18-Feb-14 10:03:27

had this before
i said it was

was roundly shouted at for being a smug twat

i have never ever said it to any of my kids

HoneyDragon Tue 18-Feb-14 10:03:37

I think shut up to mean shut down and dismiss is wrong.

However I have been known to wail

"Please, please just for 5 minutes will you all shut up, please?"

And it works because they know they broken me

I think its like calling your child stupid. No you shouldn't at all, but a hug and a hair ruffle and and a don't be stupid in silly play, is entirely different to gelling your child they are stupid.

GretaWolfcastle Tue 18-Feb-14 10:03:44

if that makes me a better parent - hey i take it!

GretaWolfcastle Tue 18-Feb-14 10:04:03

you talk to your kids as you want them to talk to you and others....

Greta I missed that thread.

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