to consider having a baby with my gay best friend?

(81 Posts)
confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:21:10

This is a name-change, for obvious reasons!

Context: I have a funny relationship with my ex. We met 16 years ago and split up three years later, just before I found out I was pregnant with our son. It was an amicable enough split, just in different places with our lives (and age gap was a problem). But we have stayed amicable, to the extent that he has a key to my house and we are very much raising our disabled son together, as he needs us both to be consistent. He comes to our house and doesn't have our son at his, and we go on holiday together BUT we don't live together and definitely aren't together.

However, we slept together on holiday last year and it continued happening when we got back. I ended up pregnant, and didn't tell him, while I decided what to do. I was very confused about the pregnancy and only told a couple of close friends. I eventually decided to go ahead with it and had started to get excited, despite all the many reasons why it would make life difficult, and was due to tell ex over the Christmas holidays, but had a miscarriage before I did so.

I am (obviously) in a funny place after the miscarriage and have gone from thinking being pregnant was mostly difficult and complicated to wishing I still was. I had got myself in a positive place about it and to miscarry was pretty shattering.

I don't want to properly get back with my ex, and I don't know if I'm able to think about meeting someone different, for complicated reasons that I won't bore anyone with, mainly to do with my son's acceptance of new people in my life. However, I am pretty convinced now that I do want another child. I don't think my ex would want another child, and I don't intend to 'get pregnant accidentally', so I am thinking about options.

My best friend is a gay man. We used to joke about having a baby together if I didn't meet anyone by my mid-30s, but it was just jokes. He is the closest person to me apart from family, and we are very similar in many ways. When I told him I was pregnant, I could tell he was struggling with it a bit; he kept joking about how people would think it was his (which is possibly true - some people do think we're a couple) and I really wanted him to have a role in it all. He looked after my son for me when I went to hospital and has been really supportive with it all.

He's a really amazing man who I love (not in that way, but that's a good thing in terms of stability) and would make a great father. And I think he has started to want children. I am used to sharing parenting with a man who doesn't live with me and there'd be no romantic/ sexual complications like there are with my ex.

Is this completely bonkers or is it something that could work? I know people will say I'm just reacting to the miscarriage, but in reality, I think the miscarriage has just woken me up to the fact that there's something missing in my life that I used to want. There's no going back to before the miscarriage but, even if there was, I'm not sure I'd want to as life had got very stagnant. I have a career that I love and my son has progressed massively, to the extent that I think he will be an independent adult, but I have got so used to living life around work and my son that I feel I have forgotten to think about what I want.

And I want another child, and don't have much time left. So, AIBU to
be even considering this?

Back2Basics Sun 19-Jan-14 00:29:16

It sounds mad but so what. Think about it for a few more months and if its still what you want to do then talk about it.

I would hate to be sat in a nursing home at 90 wishing I had done what I wanted.

JohnCusacksWife Sun 19-Jan-14 00:31:39

I think it depends on how active a role your friend would take in any child's life. If he would be a fully committed, active, involved parent then it might work despite being an unconventional arrangement. If he was to be, effectively, a sperm donor only and take no active role in the child's life then I think that's unfair and to knowingly bring a child into the world without a father would be a selfish thing to do. I realise this is probably an unpopular and unfashionable view though....

CailinDana Sun 19-Jan-14 00:32:18

So sorry you lost your baby.

Have you considered what would happen if you did meet a new partner, or your friend did?

It's not an awful idea but it would be wise to think about how well you would work together as parents (as views can vary very widely) and what would happen in the event your friendship broke down.

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:45:57

Back2basics-that's exactly my fear: I reach old age and think 'I wish...'.

Jcw: no, I agree. I would want him to be very much involved (and we do see each other every day now, so not seeing him would not be the plan). I want a baby with him, not from him.

Caillindana: thank you. New partners would be complicated, but I already have so much baggage with ex and son that they'd have to be a bravve man anyway!

Thatisall Sun 19-Jan-14 00:50:23

So sorry for your loss OP. I don't think it's mad to consider having a baby with a stable person who would make a great parent. Have you spoken to your friend yet?

Whatever he thinks I'm sure that you're sensible enough to wait a few weeks at least to try and recover somewhat from your miscarriage.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:52:00

Or brave...
The friendship is pretty solid. Over a decade. I trust nobody as much as I trust him.

SumBex Sun 19-Jan-14 00:52:18

I can see why you would want to do this but I would be worried it would change your relationship with your friend. I mean it would definitely change, but what if that change was for the worse? You stand to lose too much.

But on the positive side, this has started to make you think and now you can really explore your options, looking into sperm donation etc.

I'm also sorry for your loss op flowers.

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:52:49

X-posted,

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:53:19

Th

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:53:24

X

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:53:53

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confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:54:02

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I can think of few worse things than scuppering a good friendship by complicating it like this.
OK it'll be (I assume AI)

But isn't it worse to regret having a child than to regret not having the one that you don't have?

In your shoes , if I really wanted DC2, I'd do it via Sperm Donor.

(-Actually, in my shoes, I wouldn't at all)

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 01:14:17

Sorry, my phone is playing up! Was trying to says thanks to you, thatisall. I have spoken to him as I couldn't not. We tell each other pretty much everything. He is thinking. I really couldn't lose him from my life, but I kind of wonder why I would? Ex and I had more barriers to us getting on than he and I would.

I don't want a sperm donor as I do think two parents, in a relationship or not, is something I want for a second child. It has massively benefited my first.

Thank you all for your advice and best wishes. It's obviously not easy to discuss it in real life, especially as so few people knew that I was even pregnant before.

cerealqueen Sun 19-Jan-14 01:29:29

I would tentatively discuss with friend and see what he thinks and just go for it. Sounds a much better basis for a warm family life than many I know. Good luck.

BumpNGrind Sun 19-Jan-14 01:29:34

Have you spoken to your ex about this? From your post it seems as if you may still be sleeping together because you talk about not wanting to get 'accidently pregnant'. I would have a proper heart to heart with your ex before you start thinking of other fathers.

Your ex sounds like a good bet to me, it seems as if your ex already offers a stable shared parenting relationship, you already care for your ds,you holiday together and you imply that he is reliable and loving to your ds. Maybe he would actually like more children but has never wanted to say that to you. You should definately tell him about the miscarriage, it may allow him the same clarity that you have had.

I would go down this avenue before even contemplating complicating a brilliant relationship with your friend, even if you were 100% positive he wanted children.

Thatisall Sun 19-Jan-14 01:29:46

I think his concerns are sensible. Many strong romantic relationships are tested by the arrival of a little one. I'm sure he's concerned that likewise your relationship as friends would be tested and I'm sure it will. Plenty to discuss. It could work out brilliantly for all involved.

BumpNGrind Sun 19-Jan-14 01:32:29

Also i wonder if the dynamics between you and your ex would change considerably if you were pregnant with a baby by your friend. Would you be prepared for this and would this affect your son?

Catsize Sun 19-Jan-14 08:08:21

How old are you OP? Might you meet someone and have another child?
Christmas is a very recent time. It may be that you are just so keen to fill the void you now feel. Gay parenting websites are helpful re:known donor advantages and disadvantages. Look at the legal ramifications too.

MissPryde Sun 19-Jan-14 08:18:30

My biggest worry is you're creating a very complicated and confusing parenting situation for your child and potential child. Will having a baby with your best friend complicate relations with your ex? If you meet someone later, are you prepared for having three father figures in your children's life?

I really think you need to talk to your ex, especially about your miscarriage. If I'm reading correctly he is not aware at all? I believe you need to discuss it, and I think you may have unresolved feelings in part by keeping this information from him. And if there is a chance to have a baby with your ex and continue to co-parent both your children, I think you should explore it for your children's sake, before bringing in another potential parent.

I am sorry for your loss, and I hope before anything you can take some time for yourself, I cannot imagine the emotional ordeal you are going through.

hopskipandthump Sun 19-Jan-14 08:36:03

A friend of mine had a baby with a gay friend. It was very clear between them that he was just a sperm donor and not an active parent - although her DD knows who he is and calls him her 'Dad'. He and his partner visit once a year, and speak to her by Skype - but take no decision-making or caring role.

It has worked very well for them, the DD is nearly 3 now. My friend has a new partner now, who lives with them and for all practical purposes is her DD's dad, but is not called 'dad'.

My friend did a lot of thinking about it beforehand, and there was a lot of discussion. I advised her at the time to have a written contract with her friend, though I don't know if she did or not.

All sorts of things to discuss and all sorts of eventualities to consider (new partners, death of one or both parents, wills, disability/special needs, financial contributions, parental rights and responsibilities etc.

I also think you need to fully discuss what happened and what you're thinking with your ex. If you go ahead with this idea it could massively disrupt the relationship you have with him and therefore the one he has with his DC, so he also needs to be on board with the idea.

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 09:15:47

Yes, ex would struggle a bit. But less so than if I had a baby with a new partner. And my son thinks I'm going to marry ex or best mate interchangably and adores both of them. The 4 of us spend a lot of time together; the men get on well as they're not threatened by each other. Though I'm not daft: I know a baby would complicate the current happy arrangements.

rainydarkskies Sun 19-Jan-14 09:25:18

I'm not sure it would be complicated at all. Two parents who do not live together but have shared custody is a situation which can of course be complex but here it is clear from the outset what the terms are and plus the OP is already used to managing that situation.

As far as I can see the only 'difference' is that of two friends raising a child, not two lovers.

confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 09:27:46

I'm 35, by the way, so I do feel time is running out. A good friend who has been there for me throughout it all says it's my own version of a mid-life crisis...maybe.

It's all just made me re-evaluate my purpose in life. I know that sounds cheesy, but it's true.

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