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AIBU?

to feel hurt and upset by this?

41 replies

penguinsforever · 29/12/2013 12:27

I am pregnant so maybe it's just pregnancy hormones....

DSis is planning a wedding, she's been looking into options for a few months and has been phoning for my advice, thoughts etc on venues and ideas. Dh has been chuckling along the way by her phone calls and excitement, she asked me to be her chief bridesmaid and my ds to be page boy, it's only a small wedding of ten or so people, close friends and family.

Last night she phoned me to tell me she'd decided she doesn't like the UK options we looked at, so she's chosen a Caribbean hotel instead. She went on to say that she's booking the wedding for June, the same time as my baby is due. She said if my baby is early then maybe I could come, but if not then not to worry as she understands not everyone can make it as its abroad. I haven't spoken to parents about it but apparently they are fully supporting her plans.

I understand that she should choose the wedding she likes, but Aibu to feel hurt that after the zillion phone calls and asking me to be chief bridesmaid to just cut me out like this is a bit hurtful? I feel that even if my baby is early I won't go :-( dh was shocked by her rudeness and I'm really upset, plus if they are all celebrating abroad clearly no one will be bothered about supporting me with my new baby...

OP posts:

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DameDeepRedBetty · 29/12/2013 12:30

Yes it's incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, particularly being demoted from Head Bridesmaid.

I would speak to your parents, I doubt very much that they think it's as brilliant idea as she thinks they think.

DameDeepRedBetty · 29/12/2013 12:31

Especially as if your mum is anything like mine, there is no way she won't want to be waiting on the doorstep of the post birth ward panting to get in the second she's allowed!

Nancy66 · 29/12/2013 12:38

maybe she'll change her mind again once she realises that the reason the Caribbean is affordable in June is because it rains every day and is prone to hurricanes

ChristmasStrumpet · 29/12/2013 12:41

Its hurricane season in June in the Caribbean.

She has been very thoughtless and sounds as if she has morphed into a Bridezilla where nothing else matters one iota.

Call your parents see what they say and drop in there that you always thought June was the start of hurricane season.

MintyChops · 29/12/2013 15:15

That seems really mean, I'd be upset too. Is she usually a thoughtless brat?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 29/12/2013 15:18

I absolutely hate it when people do this.

A friend of mine tried to do it. Her family aren't well off at all so were astounded that she actually expected them to pay for flights, hotel, etc. They couldn't have managed it. She threw an absolute FIT. She didn't end up getting married, they split up.

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2013 15:19

I agree that's a really selfish and mean thing for your sister to do.

Why would anyone want to the start of their marriage and one of their life's biggest and happiest occasions to cause someone else hurt?

I think some brides get so wrapped up in glossy wedding world that they completely lose sight of what actually makes a good wedding.

winkywinkola · 29/12/2013 15:20

It's weird how she's changed her mind after contacting you so much about it all.

I would be v hurt too.

Don't be the one to tell her it's hurricane season. It will look like you're looking to spoil it for her.

Sit tight keep schtum and see what transpires.

NinjaBunny · 29/12/2013 15:21

Expecting anyone to fly anywhere at anytime for a wedding is pretty rude.

Unless everyone is uber rich and retired then it's just too much to ask people.

Cluffyflump · 29/12/2013 15:22

I can see why you are hurt, but I don't think your Dsis is BU.
Weddings are expensive and she was having a small do anyway.

You could always have a party when she gets back :)

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2013 15:22

The more I think of this the more I feel sorry for your mum.

I'd be gutted if one if my children ever knowingly and deliberately put me in the position of having to choose between missing one of my children getting married or missing one of my children having a baby.

JollySantersSelectionBox · 29/12/2013 15:23

What support were you expecting following the birth? Have you discussed this with your mum?

ChristmasStrumpet · 29/12/2013 15:34

Do you think she has done this because she is jealous of you and your pregnancy and any attention and excitement its attracted?

Pancakeflipper · 29/12/2013 15:37

I agree WooOwl, your mother is going to feel pretty torn in 2. Are you sure she wants a wedding in hurricane session ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2013 15:38

Expecting anyone to fly anywhere at anytime for a wedding is pretty rude. That's hilarious. People at my weddings flew from about four or five countries. DH and I are different nationalities and I have lived abroad and people move abroad.

In this case, however, you DSis is being really unreasonable.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 29/12/2013 15:43

I do think that's pretty hurtful to be honest.

I couldn't imagine leaving my sister out no matter what dream wedding I wanted. If she was pregnant, or going to give birth, or was very ill then it would be postponed or somewhere more reasonable. We are a close family though and I'm not sure if every family would be as accommodating.

I really do sympathise. I imagine your Mum is probably not as happy as you think she is with the arrangement, considering it's her other child who is having a big event happen in their life too. Try talking to your Mum?

formerbabe · 29/12/2013 15:47

YANBU...I can't see how even if your baby is early, that you would be able to go..it would be a huge undertaking... Very strange to ask you to be head brides maid and then do that.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/12/2013 15:50

I would be hurt too especially after being asked to be bridesmaid. Hate weddings abroad though, they are very selfish and put the costs onto the guests which is unfair.

On the baby support, this should be down to your partner not family.

Joules68 · 29/12/2013 15:53

Stay quiet op.... It will probably fall through anyway. She's got to get other people to agree to it all

Just sit back and watch it all fall apart.

revivingsnowshower · 29/12/2013 15:54

Yes this was mean of her. I've always thought people did those foreign holiday weddings to get away from the family, but now there seem to be a lot of people who want to take the whole family along.Unless you are like mrstp I think it is a bit unfair, I can't afford a trip abroad so if I were invited to a wedding like this I couldn't go.

onedev · 29/12/2013 15:57

YANBU - that is very hurtful & I second the comments about your mum too. She's put her in a terrible position.

And yes, it is hurricane season so the weather may be awful.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 29/12/2013 15:59

woowoo makes a good point.

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lunar1 · 29/12/2013 16:00

I think this is pretty nasty of her. Not only is she excluding you from the wedding but she issuing sure your immediate family will be out of the country when you child is born.

Who do you have lined up to look after ds1 when you go into labour?

loveandsmiles · 29/12/2013 16:03

I don't disagree with people getting married abroad ~ it's their day! but she IBU planning to do this when you are due to give birth IMO. Almost as if she is trying to steal your limelight............

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/12/2013 16:07

I'm sorry you're upset OP. I very much doubt though that she sees the asking of you to be head bridesmaid as a 'promotion' nor in changing her plans as a 'demotion'. She sees the wedding as being all about her. It really is, though, isn't it.

I think your DH is floundering at being in a potential crossfire between you and his sister rather than actively siding with you.

If it were me, I'd abdicate from head bridesmaid role anyway as I'd have my hands full and take a decision later on regarding attending when I knew what the plans were.

Please don't let your SIL's thoughtlessness potentially blow up into long-term bad feeling, it's just not worth it.

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