To be getting irritated by my want it all dd?

(88 Posts)
Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:14:39

I need some outside persepective and feel like a bad mother so feel free to be harsh and put me back in my place.

Anything anybody has or is doing my dd wants a piece of the action but not in a rude way but it really grates on me for example:

Someone walks into the lounge with a can of coke - ooh coke please may I get a can of coke.
I was given chocolates as a gift, my dh asked if he could have one I said do I get to keep nothing in this place ok have one. I've gone to the box and four are gone, I said to dh why did you eat four and he said he had two and dd asked so he gave her two.
If I go out anywhere dd asks to come too even if its not something she'll enjoy she'd prefer to come along than be left out.

Because I feel bad about not wanting to always include dd due to the cost (she's an old teen so adult cost) or share items with dd, I've stopped doing stuff and purchasing items.

But this is making me begrudge her behaviour more.

If I decline her wants she isn't rude she just accepts it but then I feel guilty. If I don't invite her I then feel guilty.

This is more my issue than my dd's isn't it?

Would I BU if I was to exclude (or not include) dd sometimes?
Would I BU to decline her having something that someone else has sometimes?
Everyone else in the house shares everything with her. No one else in the house is like this, i.e. they don't ask if they see someone with something, they choose to come to things that they ony really really want to do.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 19:44:14

Would it work if you bought things separately for everyone, eg everyone has one packet of biscuits a week, everyone has X number of Cokes a week/month, etc?

I know it's not ideal but for those people who can't rest if there's something nice to eat in the house <DD, I'm looking at you, missus> then they know everyone's got to have the chance to have something too. It's not fair if your DD is having 4 Cokes to everyone else's one.

I have two children, now adult, and this worked with them.

IamInvisible Sun 08-Dec-13 19:45:36

YABU

I wouldn't dream of keeping a box of chocolates, gift or not, for myself. I'd offer them round without a second thought.

I quite often don't fancy something until I see someone else with it.

She is being polite, wants to spend time with her mum and you "begrudge her"!hmm. I feel quite sorry for her, tbh.

Casmama Sun 08-Dec-13 19:47:53

It doesn't sound like you like her very much!
I think if you tried to articulate to her what is irritating you would realise how petty you are being.
If you have a few kids then decide at the beginning how many cans of coke they can have and tell them.

GideonKipper Sun 08-Dec-13 19:50:09

You're BU. I don't see what the poor lass is doing wrong. Surely you're buying food for the family to consume - it shouldn't be that hard to say 'Oi missy, you're not having another can of Coke, leave some for everyone else!' but I can't see the problem with her wanting one after seeing someone else with one.

If she's running round at the softplay entertaining her younger siblings then I probably wouldn't begrudge that all - you could relax with a coffee knowing she's keeping an eye on them for you.

I think your attitude with the chocolates sounds a bit mean. I wouldn't dream of opening something like that in company and not offering them round. Would you do the same if you were in a group of friends?

annielouisa Sun 08-Dec-13 19:50:10

It appears that you are trying to shut your DD out of part of your life. Are you younger children her full siblings?

If I am wrong I apologise but it reminds me of a friend who had two young DC in her second marriage and an older teen from an earlier relationship and although the older teen was a lovely girl her mother constantly seemed annoyed by her.

As you say DD does not ask for money and is working hard for A levels surely an extra £7.50 to allow her to enjoy time with her siblings is not too much?

NurseRoscoe Sun 08-Dec-13 19:54:07

I get annoyed when my 2 year old does this, because I know he doesn't really want whatever I've got (for example I will have a boring cereal bar that he doesn't like and he would have a bag of chocolate buttons that he chose himself at the same time but still ask for mine, or whinge for a bottle of formula milk that his little brother has after I'd already given him his own drink)

However I don't think that is the same as someone who is nearly an adult wanting something because someone else has it, have you never walked past starbucks or mcdonalds or anywhere and fancied something after seeing a picture of it? I think that is similar. I buy drinks and things for the family so anyone would be welcome to them as the kids get older, obviously they aren't allowed coke or anything like that at 2 & 6 months lol.

I do get my own special sweets and things that are mine, DH won't even share these but I won't make a thing of eating them in front of everyone else and not sharing them, they are for my nights when DH is working and the kids are in bed.

Like others have said she probably just wants to spend time with you, even if it is a boring trip would you not be glad of the company? if you are going out with friends for a coffee or something I could understand that but maybe make other plans to do the same thing with her for another day so she doesn't feel upset and you don't feel guilty?

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 19:59:16

The soft play she sits with me on electronic gadget so doesn't want to natter, I try to chat with her and she'll answer the questions but conversation doesn't flow.

Chocolates were in the larder I hadn't hidden them, dh asked who's they were and I commented they were mine but if he must he could have one, he left the wrapper on side dd saw it and asked him where they were and could she have one he said yes and asked her to get him another one so she saw it as he had two it was only right and fair that she also had two. There were only 6 in the pack, if one other dc was the same I wouldn't have got any.

She's same parents.

Maybe as a pp said it's an anxiety thing and she hasn't got the confidence to ask first so needs to wait for someone else.

She is very young for her age.

paxtecum Sun 08-Dec-13 20:02:24

Stop buying coke. It isn't good for anyone, child or adult.

I think you are being a bit UR.

Enjoy her company.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:04:22

NurseRoscoe that's exactly what it's like, she can be eating an apple and someone walks in with a banana and she'll say oh can I have a banana. It's like the bananas were there when you got an apple you are seeing someone else with something so you've got to have it so then she's had an apple and a banana. (It's not only food/drink those are just the easy examples its continuous every single item someone has).

Younger child had hole in trainers, brought new shoes dd was with me picked up a pair of shoes and said these are nice can I have these too, I did say no then she didn't need shoes she didn't want the shoes she just saw and wanted at same time.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 08-Dec-13 20:05:07

You talk about your dd as if she is an annoying acquaintance. You also sound extremely petty.

frogspoon Sun 08-Dec-13 20:06:04

Sorry, but I don't really see what she is doing wrong. She asks permission before taking something and isn't rude if you decline. Your DH on the other hand took 2 of your chocs when you said he could have one, then gave 2 more away without asking either.

Is the problem that she does not share with others but expects to have stuff shared with her
e.g. she won't share her chocolates but wants yours

Or does she expects others to get/ make stuff for her but won't reciprocate.
e.g. She never offers to make tea, but will ask you for some when your making

If she shares to an equal level as other family members, I fail to see what she is doing wrong.

It sounds like you are excluding her a bit from family life, by only doing things that her younger siblings (are they a lot younger?) enjoy, but not wanting to spend any time with her.

Why don't you do some things together that the whole family can enjoy? Or say to her that you don't expect her to come to soft play with her younger siblings as she is older, but you will have a grown up bonding session together e.g. shopping or trip to a spa.

rabbitlady Sun 08-Dec-13 20:12:51

what has happened is that your dd has grown up and become another female in your den. if she minds her manners, you'll tolerate her, but otherwise she can move on and start her own group. she's above herself, demanding everything she can get.you'll need to nip her on the rear quarters, maybe cuff her with a strong paw, box her if necessary, if you're sure you can win. don't let her step out of line. your mate is supporting her, that's not going to help. undermine her with him, gently.
its just nature, that's all.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 08-Dec-13 20:13:59

She sounds a bit of a greedy pain but nothing major.

"Mum can I have a can of coke".

"No, I only bought 6 cans and you've already had 3 of them. There are
X other people in this house that would like one too".

It's that easy.

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:16:17

I do things that are in five categories (or I see them as 5 categories)

1) Time with my friends (no children) this she accepts and doesn't ask to come to
2) Time with dh (no children) she'll normally ask to come to this one and I'll say no and dh will say to me later there was no reason for her not to come with us (true she can sit in the restaurant with us or whatever but I want time with dh (he's not fussed by it)).
3) Time with dd - usually this involves me spending copious amounts clothes shopping grin
4) Time with all - eg cinema trip of course she's invited and is included
5) Time for younger ones - e.g. soft play as say she comes too.

I currently don't exclude her, I am just aware I'm cutting back on numbers 2 and 5 because dd will want to come.

She never makes anything herself and always asks, for eg tea. She won't want a tea until someone else is making one. But by the same token no one would say to her go and make the tea.

ImperialBlether Sun 08-Dec-13 20:17:21

So you were given the chocolates and only ended up with the same number as your husband and daughter? That is wrong of both of them and I'd have words about that. I know you're all part of a family but ffs if someone gives you a gift you should be allowed to enjoy it.

Your DD sounds quite anxious from the way you talk about her. Does she have many friends of her own? Does she go out?

Suspectunknown Sun 08-Dec-13 20:18:03

Rabbit that is a very good analogy and I think you've hit the nail on the head.

I really don't understand the problem. I was expecting this to be a dd who was asking for a load of things for Christmas, but in fact all she wants is to go out with you occasionally and drink the odd Coke etc. Am I missing something?

WhoNickedMyName Sun 08-Dec-13 20:19:38

Is there a big age gap between her and your other children?

CaptainSweatPants Sun 08-Dec-13 20:20:46

sounds like me whe I was a teen full of hormones and my mum going through the menopause
everythign I said or did wound her up the wrong way
I still tread on egg shells to this day and I know it's a hang up of mine from when she snapped at everything I did

not sharng chocolates is mean
all this they're mine, not yours
jeez!

frogspoon Sun 08-Dec-13 20:22:09

Ah ok suspect, that makes things much clearer, I can see your point.

Just remind her when she asks that this is an activity for younger DCs, she wouldn't really enjoy it, and that she has family cinema trip/ shopping with you next week to look forward to. And be firm about 2, that is private time for you and DH (and tell DH to be firm as well).

Maybe ask her to make tea occasionally (my parents did this all the time- I don't even drink tea!)

She sounds quite lonely, I am surprised at her age she even has time to go out with family rather than seeing her friends. Does she not have any friends?

gimcrack Sun 08-Dec-13 20:30:44

Set some boundaries. What isn't acceptable and - most importantly - what is. It sounds as though she's a tiny bit annoying sometimes but you find her annoying a lot of times. Think about what is fair. If she is overstepping, be honest. But also be honest with yourself. You should also set aside some time just for her.

moldingsunbeams Sun 08-Dec-13 20:31:21

Our house is like this, very often my mum will say that she does not feel like x or y and then when she sees someone with it she suddenly fancies it, I have done it too.

Why does she not just go to the larder like the others?

I think tbh its what teens do, particularly the shoes example, my friend takes her son for shoes and his brother will always spot a "cool" pair and ask for them, she says no and thats that, resenting her over it when she is over wise seemingly well behaved and polite seems a bit ott.

Helpmestaysane Sun 08-Dec-13 20:32:02

How old is she?

Fairylea Sun 08-Dec-13 20:35:54

I think you sound a bit mean to be honest.

Why on earth get so stressed over a can of coke or some chocolates? You can either afford for everyone to have some or you don't buy them. You can't buy them and then be tight about it. If she's having more than her share then fair enough tell her so.

And she wants to go out with you... what's so bad about that? If it's a money issue you need to either do things with the younger one when dd is at college or readjust your budget so that you can find things to do together.

You seem to expect your dd to be an adult and she isn't quite there yet!

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 08-Dec-13 20:43:56

You need to find a new softplay! £7.50 for an adult is outrageous!

<misses the point>

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