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to feel hurt that my Dparents don't want to see my DCS (or me!) at Christmas.

(58 Posts)
SeeYouNT Wed 06-Nov-13 09:50:26

since dbro and i were tiny, my parents have stayed at my aunt and uncles house in the cotswolds for the whole festive period (ie 23rd dec to 2nd january). they live 120 miles away from our (and my parents) home town. we always went with them as children of course and before dcs i would drive up on my own for 2 or 3 days so as to still see my family.

however since having DCs christmas has become difficult. we have other family we need to see, such as my ILs, and also my elder DC is from another relationship so he needs to see his dad and his dads family etc. plus DH doesn't get a massive amount of time off work.

so the last few years, JUST to see my parents and so they can see my DCS, we have driven up to the cotswolds boxing day morning, and stayed at a hotel (as no room at aunts house for us all), then come back on the 27th. it costs a couple of hundred quid ie petrol, the hotel, and also they all like to go for a meal. we are not poor but we can;t afford this extra expense really. we went last year but was very tiring for us and the DCs as well as expensive and we decided we probably couldn't carry on doing it

so earlier this year my parents mentioned they would maybe stay at home until boxing day so they can see us and the DCs then going to the cotwolds for the rest of the christmas period

well the other day we had the "christmas conversation" with dparents. and we said we are definitely not coming, for the reasons above plus i will be 21 weeks pg by then. and lo and behold, DM announced that they would be going away from the 23rd dec to 2nd january as per sad

obvs its up to them what they do, they are adults and so am i, but it makes me sad that they just seem completely not arsed about seeing not just me, but their OWN GRANDCHILDREN at christmas sad and next year they will have 3 DGC they will be missing out on.

sorry its long but AIBU? or are my dparents?

yonisareforever Wed 06-Nov-13 09:53:01

When else do they see the DGC, is it only once a year?
why cant they drive to you at other times of the year?

owlbegoing England Wed 06-Nov-13 09:56:57

Bit of both I think. You're BU expecting them to change their routine they've had for 20 odd years. And they're BU not wanting to see their grandchildren over Christmas. Do you see much of them over the rest of the year?

WaitMonkey Wed 06-Nov-13 10:01:11

Depends on how much you see them the rest of the year. Some people just aren't bothered about Christmas.

SeeYouNT Wed 06-Nov-13 10:04:25

oh i know it would be U for me to expect them or ask them to change their routine, and i don't "expect" them to, but i just wonder why they don't want to

if / when i have grandchildren i absolutely know that i will want to see them at christmas, and i will always want to see my dcs as well (as long as they want to see me of course grin )

To be fair, they do see us and the DCS fairly regularly, as we live in the same town, but christmas is a special time isn't it es for small children

plus my dcs are now getting to the age where they want to see my parents, they are really disappointed we are not going to the farm this year and my eldest in particular is making me feel really bad about it

SaucyJack Wed 06-Nov-13 10:06:25

YABU.

It's their Christmas too.

WholeNutt Wed 06-Nov-13 10:12:41

Your parents had their christmas is special for the children when they had you and any siblings you have. I think it's unreasonable to expect them to now want to share your christmas moments with your children when they have a long standing tradition.

Could you maybe have 2 Christmases might sound silly but maybe if they were to spend a day with you as your Christmas Day either just before they go away or just after they get back? If they're missing out that's down to them start your own family traditions and enjoy the festive season with them.

SavoyCabbage Wed 06-Nov-13 10:14:31

Yabu. They want to have the Christmas they have always had with the people that they have always had it with. Not wait until Christmas is over then go.

I totally understand why you don't want to go but I also understand why they don't.

I couldn't enjoy my Christmas knowing that my parents were waiting for my visit before they could go away.

Tuppenceinred Wed 06-Nov-13 10:14:59

Don't be daft, it will be nice for them to go away for a break and relax together.

Tuppenceinred Wed 06-Nov-13 10:16:54

p.s. You set the tone for how your children respond to this. Your reaction will influence theirs.

Aeroaddict Wed 06-Nov-13 10:19:56

YANBU to feel hurt. Unfortunately as you have said you can't do anything to chance their minds, so all you can do is try to make the best of it. Could you do something with them just before they go, exchange presents, and have dinner together? You could maybe start a new tradition along those lines to replace what you used to do on boxing day?

Chopchopbusybusy Wed 06-Nov-13 10:21:23

You live in the same town as your parents so presumably see them throughout the year. You can have a Christmassy get together a few days before Christmas surely. YABVU

MMcanny Wed 06-Nov-13 10:25:02

Oh dear, well I have an opposite AIBU to this in that my parents always want to see us/make a big deal out of Xmas and we can't be arsed. It's not that I don't like my parents and my children do adore them.

I think YABU to take this so personally. It would appear that this one day of the year 'being together' means more to you than them. It doesn't mean they don't utterly love you. Also I notice an interesting reverse in that you expect your parents to be MORE keen on seeing your kids than on yourself. I kind of expect my parents to be more interested in me than my rugrats.

Our reasons for not prioritising a family get together: DH and I like to be alone together and not be rushing around here there and everywhere generally. I also think Xmas is 'for kids' and think it makes for a much more enjoyable day for everyone if the kids get to stay home on that day playing with all the goodies they've coverted for a year and are finally allowed to indulge. Having to meet up with extended family there is the inevitable strained nerves, moaning at each other, rushing them to get shoes and coats on, share with cousins, come and sit at the table etc etc.

Perhaps your parents find the over excitedness of little ones on the day draining and would rather have indulgent uninterrupted adult time? Even if aunt has grandweans your folks are a step removed from that and don't need to be crawling on the floor with them. Don't take offence. Why not find some like-minded old dear on gransnet who's not allowed to see her extended family on Xmas day and hook up?

Sorry if I sound like I'm making light of it but it really sounds to me like you're making a big mountain out of a molehill and making it all about you. They don't share your ideal - simples. Have a nice relaxing day yourself, you're going to be very pregnant. Let DH do the cooking while you lie on the couch watching dc's.

Ragwort Wed 06-Nov-13 10:28:36

YABVVU. Your parents clearly want to enjoy an 'adult' break wink - Christmas with young children can be fun - but it can also be tiring, exhausting, stressful, messy and I can quite see the appeal of a civilised break with adults.

I know I will get flamed for this but I can't be the only parent who really doesn't enjoy Christmas day with a child that much, I look back on Christmasses before children - a quiet Church service, a long walk, an elegantly served meal, challenging game of Backgammon or similar etc and miss those days. I have horrible memories of watching my DH put 'Mousetrap' together one Christmas, took ages, I was bored stiff and the game was totally dull and tedious. grin

Just have a different 'special' day to get together with your parents.

bigbrick Wed 06-Nov-13 10:29:03

yanbu - your parents should be with their grandkids at christmas not with other family. I would just do your own thing and be happy you aren't treking to the Cotswolds and spending money unnecessary on a hotel etc

YABU - My folks visit other family, go on holiday etc. over the xmas period, so sometimes we see them, sometimes we don't. We live in the same town, they see their DGCs all year round.

Sure, Christmas is for family, but I cound DH, me and the DCs a family even without the grandparents around.

Why should grandparents be with the grandchildren on xmas? Its their lives and its a bit silly to expect otherwise.

Kamer Wed 06-Nov-13 10:45:47

The OP asked was she BU to be hurt that her parents didn't want to see her DC at Xmas and YANBU to be upset at their priorities. However it is their choice, do they perhaps feel obliged to go to the aunt and uncle as it is such a long standing tradition? Do aunt/uncle have their own DC/GDC there or would they be on own?

Spaulding Wed 06-Nov-13 10:48:34

YABU. They shouldn't break with their Christmas tradition and it's time you made your own with your own family.

I like it to be just me, DS and DP on Christmas Day, even though my parents are just 15 mins away. When I was little I stayed home with my parents. Now I have my own little family I want it to be just us too.

YABU - it's the way they always spend Christmas and just because it doesn't work well with your plans this year doesn't mean they should cancel. As you said, you live in the same town so see them regularly anyway.

Ragwort Wed 06-Nov-13 10:56:53

bigbrick - why 'should' the grandparents be with their grandchildren at Christmas? hmm

bigbrick Wed 06-Nov-13 10:59:48

Ragwort - why do you think they shouldn't?

headoverheels Wed 06-Nov-13 11:01:27

YANBU to feel hurt. Last year my PILs chose to spend Xmas day on their own, just the two of them, even though we invited them to come to us and see their DGCs. I don't understand it myself.

Ragwort Wed 06-Nov-13 11:05:43

I put my views in my earlier post (10.28) - I just don't think it is healthy to have expectations of what other people 'should' or 'shouldn't do' - it invariably leads to disappointment, as in this case here.

Everyone's family relationships are different, we have always made it a point not to have the same sort of Christmas every year, it results in certain expectations - I would hate my parents to think they 'had' to spend their Christmas with my family every year for example. Yes, if one of my parents was left on their own I would make sure they were included but whilst they are healthy they enjoy different things - sometimes they go abroad, sometimes they stay at home, sometimes they come to us or we go to them. smile. I don't 'expect' them to want to spend time with their grandchildren.

Ragwort Wed 06-Nov-13 11:08:05

head - I do grin.

My DPs are in their 80s and spent one Christmas with my DS and her family who are VERY lively - think huge pile of presents, no structure to the day, no sitting down to meals, complete chaos, tv on all day - they didn't enjoy it, probably DS & her family thought they were being old fogies and not getting into the spirit of things - but they were being honest (as I would be grin).

mitchsta Wed 06-Nov-13 11:09:39

YABU. They've done the same thing for years, I wouldn't be upset that they didn't want to change this just for my family. I think it's great that they aren't insisting on seeing you/forcing you to split Christmas Day between them and ILs and having to spend the day driving round visiting people - like many, many other families end up doing (and hating!)

You will have a blast and so will your kids. Christmas isn't about one day, it's about the whole festive season. Make time to see them before they go away - have them round for tea, visit garden centres, go to Santa's grotto, have a mooch around the Christmas markets, make Christmas decorations or do whatever else you like to do to get in the Christmas spirit. You can spend a whole flippin' month enjoying the festivities if you really want to.

You're being too precious/over-sensitive when there are so many ways you could be enjoying Christmas with them.

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