To be angry with my Dad?(Long)!

(40 Posts)
festered Wed 30-Oct-13 11:22:30

Okay so my Dad's always been an issue for me. We stopped speaking really when I was about 2 years old (I guess when I began showing some sort of personality!) because he didn't like me very much.Over the years we've gone from attempting to get along to not getting along at all, as a child and teen I was terrified of him because he was so loud and frightening to me , I was a quiet, shy child and he was scary to me.I left home just before I turned 16 after he gave me a black eye and college spoke to me about it, before that I guess I didn't really realise that being hit wasn't normal!Mealtimes were horrendous, he'd shout and intimindate me until I cried and got upset.
I used to dread xmas because he seemed to do his best to upset me when I was there for dinner and make nasty comments, I kind of darent' speak a lot of the time.
Anyway fast forward, the last couple of years we have gotten along better. We were both interested in fitness and did some long fell running events together, and xmas wasn't an issue any longer, he was nicer to me. I think I've been a disappointment to him. I went to university (funded by him and my Mother) and got good grades, but Ive never really known what he wanted from me, he never approved of anything I did, any job, any ventures I did, the way I dressed (I'm quite alternative) the things I was interested in etc. I guess he expected me to be something else entirely. I had a lot of rubbish relationships with men as a young adult but I avoided relationships for a long time, I never had any confidence aside from in work places, as a young woman and let people walk all over me a lot-I grew up thinking I was shit because of how my Dad spoke to me and made me feel, I wouldn't say boo to a goose and thought other people were somehow 'better' than me so I let them mistreat me.My Dad is an angry, volatile human with serious issues, shouts and storms about , uses violence to state his authority on my Mother and myself. My older Sister was treated similar to me as a youngster.
Anyway, I met my current partner 3 years ago, and he has been very good for me . My inner confidence has gone up, I'm a much happier person. I guess before him I always expected men to treat me like crap , I even found myself questioning DPs kindness toward me when we first began dating. DP isn't like this at all , he treats me very well and with a lot of respect.
HOWEVER, DP has an alcohol issue. He is very dependent on it. We're getting help for him and although It's a struggle and upsetting at times, we're getting through it slowly.
My Dad won't let DP visit my Mum and Dad's place. I understand he may be disappointed that my partner is an alcoholic, but DP is a very nice person, an intelligent man, he takes good care of me, we're happy.
For this reason I have been visiting alone but they live a long way away and I resent the fact that we cannot do things together. I guess I feel that, addiction issues or not, DP is a much better person than my Father, and I wonder is my Father resentful of the fact that I am happy with a man who doesn't shout and intimidate me? In fact, my Dad has even said in the past that he knows I like the fact that DP doesnt put any pressure on me and accepts me for who I am, but this is wrong and I need somebody who has authority on me.
I've mentioned the alcohol issue because my Dad has mentioned it however I have also been told by my Mother that one issue my Dad has with DP, is the way he looks-he thinks he's ugly!

Now obviously I don't think DP is ugly, but I am inclined to think that even if DP looked like the elephant man, why does it matter?!
I am one of those women who is stereotypically good looking I guess, and my Dad thinks I should be with somebody who is. But I think there are more important things than looks. I also happen to like the way DP looks even though he may not be what my Dad regards as good looking. I feel uncomfortable even typing that . I don't think looks matter really if you love somebody. :/

My Dad DID once let us both visit as a one off, on my birthday and he treated DP horribly, kept making jibes at him, trying to intimidate him, waited until he went to the toilet and said very loudly 'WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!!!' luckily my Sister stood up for me and DP and told him to keep his trap shut and like him for today as it was my birthday.

My Mother has suggested I write my Dad a letter. I've not visited for a few weeks now because I resent the fact that despite my Dad's lack of care toward me he can't accept DP for whatever reason, despite the fact he's improved my inner confidence and made me happy. I know alcoholism is an issue but I love DP and as far as I'm concerned, he's just a person with a problem who needs help-I trust if it was me who had an issue, he'd help me too. I dont even know if this is the issue. I kind of think my Dad doesn't like the fact that I'm with a kind, compassionate man and would prefer it if I was with somebody like him.
I daren't outright ask him. I'm still a bit scared of him tbh which is pathetic as I'm a grown woman now.
WWYD?

Hallowhuey Wed 30-Oct-13 11:28:01

What's your mum's take on it all? She thinks you should write him a letter? Does she not think your dad should just stop being a twat?

Your DF is abusive and has been for, what, 20 years? More?

Cut him out of your life. Things are not going to improve.

BurberryFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 11:28:18

honestly OP?
I would cut him off completely, your dad I mean, not the partner.
without wishing to sound unkind though, are you really aware of what being with an alcoholic means?

whois Wed 30-Oct-13 11:32:49

Uk, your dad hits/used to hit you. He shouts at you. Hates your DP and is very ride about him and to his face. He hits your mum. He hit your sister as well. He destroyed your confidence.

You are being very unreasonable to have anything to do with the vile creature.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 11:33:22

Your dad is a bullying nasty cunt. If i were you? I would have nothing more to do with him and get on with my life.

You don't need to convince your dad that your partner is a nice person because his opinion doesn't matter.

You don't need his approval.

You don't have to see him at all.

You don't have to have any sort of relationship with someone who was violent and physically and emotionally abusive to you as a child.

Your dad has been disapproving of you your whole life and will continue to do so. Why care about a man and the opinion of a man who beats a child?

Did your mum just stand by and let this all happen? You have every right to be extremely angry with her and not see her either if you don't want to.

I would consider counselling, because its a huge amount to go through and a huge let down by the people who were supposed to care for you and protect you. Its extremely damaging for a child. Its great that you are doing well know but counselling would probably help you anyway.

festered Wed 30-Oct-13 11:37:22

Burberry, can you explain what you mean by am I aware? I think I am.

My Mum is very passive really Hallow. And that's the thing, I can't really cut him out! My Mother and I have a good relationship, and my parents have been married for 31 years, he has mellowed as he has got older, he used to be very volatile but they seem happy now. Also they run a business that they've expressed in the past that they want me to get involved with in the near future.

I wouldn't even know what to put in the letter TBH, 'Er hi, can you explain what's wrong, why you don't want to talk to me and why my partner isn't welcome?'
I guess I think cutting my partner out, even if there was something very wrong with my partner, isn't going to help matters at all.

I would like us to bury the hatchet and get along... But I'm confused. I also have noted that the last few times I have visited (alone) he has kind of ignored me and not wanted to even talk to me or anything.
I was very underconfident as a young adult but work helped me deal with it, and I discovered things I was good at. DP's love has been the icing on the cake really.
Thank you for the replies. It's nice to know I'm not being unreasonable in thinking this isn't on.

BurberryFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 11:40:21

festered I do not wish to sound dismissive of your partner but do you know how to tell if an alcoholic is lying?

A. they open their mouths.

thebody Wed 30-Oct-13 11:41:17

hi op. your dad would dislike any partner you had regardless of alcohol issues or not.

he wants to control you and he still is controlling you.

your mother has her chance too of leaving this frankly vile vile man and that's up to her.

why would you write to him? why have him in your life?

he's poisonous and you don't want him poisoning your relationship now.

concentrate in you and your partner.

wishing you happiness op sounds like you deserve some.

Lottiedoubtie Wed 30-Oct-13 11:46:23

Burberry that's an exceptionally unhelpful thing to say to a vulnerable poster.

The OP has said repeatedly that her DP treats her well and is seeking help for his alcoholism.

Alcoholics don't deserve to be treated like pariahs because they have an addiction. And they are not all 'the same'.

BurberryFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 11:49:41

yes they are, sorry.
I do not mean to be unhelpful, my mother was married to one and I have had a 'relationship' with one myself. They are liars to a man/woman.

festered Wed 30-Oct-13 11:55:09

Thank you everyone.
Burberry, I know what you're saying-I can't think of anything he's lied about other than he has in the past, hidden the extent of the issue from me. He's in therapy now, his family are helping too. It's an issue I won't pretend it isn't, but I cant think of anything else he's lied (or is lying) about to me.
Sincere thanks to everybody who has replied, I didn't expect this reaction. I guess because I am happy and confident now, I've kind of 'forgotten' about the past. It did damage me for years but I decided to concentrate on the now and I can't make up mmy mind why my Dad's being like this.
My childhood wasn't great, but others have had worse and I'm generally happy now. However, I won't dismiss that I may still have some issues I need to address and counselling may be a good idea. DP is in counselling and it seems to be doing him a lot of good.
Dad hasn't hit my Mother for a long time. He's very aggressive in his mannerisms and still upsets her on occasion but they do seem happy now, sorry I didn't make that clear in my first post-I dont know when he last hit my Mother but I know It's been a good few years, however he still does throw his weight around in other ways, shouting, slamming things, generally storming around.Maybe he is angry in some way that now I'm happier and in a loving relationship, he knows I won't take as much crap from him (hence this thread!)
One thing my Mother has done is make excuses for my Dad because his childhood was violent and nasty, much more so than mine. These replies have been very interesting, thank you again everyone. I am going to speak to my Mother again about it. I can't cut him out though, not whilst my parents are still together and seem happy. My Dad is 58, my Mother 67, I don't think they're going to part ways now after 30 odd years.

festered Wed 30-Oct-13 11:56:59

Lottie that's how I see it too. I dont think Alcoholics are a homogenous group.DP has never been aggressive or abusive toward me or any other untoward behaviour associated with alcoholics. He's always been supportive and loving.

BurberryFucker Wed 30-Oct-13 12:21:31

well anyway apart from your partner, if
I were you I would keep your mum and dad at arms length - your dad is an abuser and your mother enabled him and did not protect you.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 12:26:45

And that's the thing, I can't really cut him out! My Mother and I have a good relationship, and my parents have been married for 31 years, he has mellowed as he has got older, he used to be very volatile but they seem happy now. Also they run a business that they've expressed in the past that they want me to get involved with in the near future.

You can still have a relationship with your mother without having one with your father. The length of their marriage or the fact that he no longer beats you isn't reason to not cut him out. He is a toxic man who is still emotionally abusing you with his disapproval of everything you do and ignoring you, refusing to let your partner visit. Its abusive, manipulative etc and your mum wants you to placate him with a letter? How about him just not being a cunt? Does that even cross her mind? Or yours? No? That will be because you are used to being treated like this, and its affected your impression of how others should behave. Victims of abuse often have this problem because you were not taught how a normal non abusive family interact, as a child. Its hard to unlearn which is why i will suggest counselling again. I can't say that strongly enough.

And do you really want to be running a business with these messed up people? How would it feel running a business with one person who used to beat you and still acts like a cunt and disapproves of everything you do? And another who stands by and watches you be treated appallingly and abused and then expects you to placate the abuser?

It would be incredibly damaging to your fragile confidence and further confuse your idea of how is a normal way to behave. Its an extremely bad idea. You do realise that just because your family want you to be in the business that it doesn't mean you have to do that?

You're an independent adult now who doesn't have to do what they tell you.

The fact that you are surprised by the reactions shows that this behaviour is normalized to you. This means it has damaged you long term and you need counselling. Please do it!

I know a recovered alcoholic and she is doing great. Not every alcoholic is the same.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 12:32:17

and I can't make up mmy mind why my Dad's being like this.

As is often said on abuse threads, its not up to you to figure it out or placate him or find ways around it. You already know what sort of a man he is as you've been at the end of his fists and emotional abuse.

My guess though is that it is just more emotional abuse. As simple as that. He has just switched from one kind of abusive controlling behaviour to another. He can't hit you anymore so he punishes you by making life difficult and not accepting your partner. He hasn't changed op. They never do. He just uses a different technique.

Can you imagine what life would be like if you were tied to a family business with these people?!

GET HELP!

bunchoffives Wed 30-Oct-13 12:44:31

I'm sorry you've had such a bad time with your parents OP. The trouble with a childhood experience like this is that you grow up believing it is normal and do not develop boundaries to avoid people who treat you badly. If you go to the Relationships section you'll see a lot about this.

I know you say your DP treats you well but red flags are waving all over the place here. It is a classic situation that when you have been treated poorly as a child you end up with a partner who also treats you poorly as it is normal and familiar to you. Your DP might be ok now despite the alcoholism but how long will that remain the case? How long have you been together? I'm afraid I agree with Burberry, deceit and alcoholism go hand in hand.

Firsttimer7259 Wed 30-Oct-13 12:47:56

Feel awful for you - your father is messed up. Get some distance from him even if that means distance from your mother and let yourself see what he's done to you. Your parents are meant to love you when they don't it leaves scars. It's not your fault and it doesn't mean you are unloveable. But get some help

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 30-Oct-13 12:51:55

I think I've been a disappointment to him.
And he has hardly been Dad of the Century!

I guess he expected me to be something else entirely.
He formed a low opinion of you in your infancy, I don't think he would ever have been satisfied or proud or like a normal dad. He stopped talking to you aged 2 and I'll bet he was bullying you before then.

I understand he may be disappointed that my partner is an alcoholic
He can form any opinions regarding you or your lifestyle and chosen partner, but as far as you are concerned his opinions are worthless, let alone disappointment or disapproval.

I am glad your DP is getting counselling, I am glad he is supportive and loving, long may that last.

I guess I feel that, addiction issues or not, DP is a much better person than my Father...my Dad has even said in the past that he knows I like the fact that DP doesnt put any pressure on me and accepts me for who I am, but this is wrong and I need somebody who has authority on me.

Where to start. I rarely use the expression "sperm donor" but that was your mother's sexual partner's contribution at your conception. I don't think he merits the name Dad. I feel for you because you love her and she has spent the majority of her life with that man. That was her choice. But she also chose to stay by him even though he treated you the way he did.

One thing my Mother has done is make excuses for my Dad because his childhood was violent and nasty, much more so than mine.

That last phrase is chilling, I can't imagine how he blighted your childhood and adolescence, it probably wasn't a bed of roses for your sibling(s) either.

I would sever contact, you will never be happy with this creature about.
Dh had a similar upbringing and although he doesn't see pil much, even seeing them once can tear at his very soul all over againconfused

It doesn't sound as though anything positive will come from this, you will be much happier when you distance yourself x

Hopasholic Wed 30-Oct-13 13:00:50

Please don't keep going back for more OP sad

They really don't deserve to have you in their lives. If your mum happily sat back and let him abuse you, then she's as bad as him.

I know what the content of any letter I wrote would be.

'You have both abused me my whole life and I no longer wish to give you this pleasure. Do not contact me again.'

Is your partner still drinking? I'm worried that your boundaries are so messed up that you could possibly be accepting a situation which is harmful.

flowers

The stately home thread may help you too, there are many people there who have had similar experiences and may be able to help you x

Davsmum Wed 30-Oct-13 14:07:20

Please stop trying to please your Dad. You never will!
He is not going to change - but you can change how you deal with all this.

Why not consider counselling to help you break free of your Dad?
He obviously has some hold over you emotionally but you really do not 'need' him.
You do NOT need your Dad's approval.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 30-Oct-13 14:13:20

Its so common for victims of abuse to seek approval from the abuser. My dhs dad is emotionally abusive in a non obvious sneaky way that it took me years to see and my dh even longer. His dad seems to have taught my dh that it is imperative that he has his dads approval and that love is conditional on that approval. My dh is terrified of his dads disapproval yet can see that he's an arse and says that he doesn't care about what his dad thinks of him. Its so ingrained that its hardly even traceable.

festered Wed 30-Oct-13 14:16:36

Justthisonceortwiceorthrice
'How about him just not be a cunt' lol that made me laugh (I know it isn't meant to be funny. I totally get the victims of abuse thing. It's bizarre really, I 'watched' this happen to myself.
When I first met DP and he was so kind and supportive and happy in my company, I actually began to explore the past-and I got angry.. This was my 'unlearning'. I actually called up my Mother and said some not so nice things to her. I told her I was now being loved by someone who appreciated me and I was now realising just how bad my Dad was and how he had held me back and made my life difficult as a youngster. She kinda dismissed it but it did happen. I watched myself get more confident. DP actually did it actively once he realised and learned things that had gone on with me, he explored it with me and we worked on my issues together. This is one reason I am so patient with him now, he made my life a lot better.
Regarding the business,I feel I would be a bit daft to not take the opportunity.it's a very successful business and my parents are very well off.

A year or so after meeting DP I moved in with him, previous to this I was renting a house from my parents. I think this may be something else my Dad doesn't like, that DP enabled me to no longer rely on them for anything. I know I don't 'have' to run the business with/for them but It's a good opportunity, one that many people would love to have.
I hope I've not made my Dad sound worse than he is/was. I wasn't beaten every day or anything, but I spent a lot of childhood scared and I always felt I was a substandard individual.

I expected the reactions regards DP's issues but honestly,he's been so , so good for me and I owe the majority of my current happiness and confidence to him, I cannot stress that enough.

Bunchoffives, I definitely did that in the past. I was surprised when people were shocked by it!
DP and I have been together three years.He doesn't treat me poorly, I am totally understanding of your reasons for being concerned though, it makes sense that you'd think the things you're thinking. I can assure you that he's a placid, kind individual who has an issue that he's in the midst of sortin out.He's been nothin but helpful in my issues, has given me nothing but love. I know probably other women may say this when it isn't true, though!

Donkeysdontride bikes, thank you. Yes he's in counselling and is doing well. I have a half sister who is a lot older than I am, I wasn't around when she was growing up but so I hear, she had worse experiences than I-probably to do with the fact she isn't his daughter.

Pumpkinsweetie-I used to get upset but I don't any longer. I know the thread title says I'm angry but I'm not like, crying or outwardly angry or anything. I know DP has helped me deal with a lot of this and I feel stronger now I'm with him. I'm 'okay' I just needed other's opinions on what to best do and I am grateful for all of them. I hope your DH is doing well.

Hopsaholic, same as I said to Bunchoffives, I totally understand why you'd say this-in fact if it was me talking to somebody who had started a thread like this I would probably say similar! But I'm strong enough to write this thread because of DP. I've been strong enough to stand up to my Dad and not accept the way he speaks to me sometimes even now, because of DP. Close friends even noticed a change in me when I met him. He's a great person. I'll help him through his issues. He's on a program that supports alcoholics and has a rationed intake. He can't 'stop' as his dependency is too high.

I will say one thing though, the NHS are bloody useless with this issue!They've been no help at all for me or him when we've tried to get help. This is scary really as It's a rather common issue in this country. They've been more of a hindrance, if anything. But that's another thread.

I am going to approach this subject with my Mum, and Dad I think. I cannot visit my Mother without seeing my Dad. I can't even visit my Sister and her children without seeing him really, they live next door to one another! I'm perhaps too understanding now. I used to get very upset, and at times I used to be bolshy and dislike my Dad a lot and want nothign to do with him. Now, I just want to be an adult and make things the best for everyone. It's a very difficult situation. I do want to get involved in the business as my parents age, I feel I would be daft not to. But again, I dont want to accept abuse. I kinda think that because I am so happy now, I've mellowed because he can no longer hurt me, DP is here for me and he cannot touch me any longer, I am being too easy on him. Does that make sense?

I'm confused I admit that. You've all been brilliant and very helpful, I'm very grateful, thank you!

festered Wed 30-Oct-13 14:21:55

Thanks DavsMum and justthisonce.

I honestly feel that my Dad is horrible to DP because he's watched me distance myself from himself. He knows I'm happy and somehow doesn't like it. Is that feasible?!

My Dad did tell me that he feels when you meet your daughters partner you should be jealous because theyre better than you, and he didn't get that with DP and that's a reason he doesn't like him.
My Mother told me a few weeks ago that DP and I were allowed to visit one evening. We travelled over, visiting my Grandmother on the way, (my Dad's Mum). And when I called my Mother to say we were at my Grandmothers and would head over to hers shortly she said not to come because my Dad wasn't happy with it.
Grrr! I expressed that I was pissed off at us travelling over (it's about a 90 min drive) to see them and then being told we werent allowed to. Mum came to my Grandmother's to see us both.
I think I might send Dads xmas present back lol.

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